Embrace - a Post-Shiva Fic
by Taygeta

Author's Note: I wrote "Hands" from Ziva's perspective as a one-shot and it came to mind that I should write "Embrace" from Tony's perspective. I hope you enjoy my interpretation on how Tony learned those lovely words in Hebrew.

Her arms around him, tightly around his neck. Her closeness.

These were things that lingered in his memory as he walked away. This was the moment that came to mind as he glanced up to see the emptiness of her desk while she was gone. She would be back. There would be their trademark banter and maybe that moment would mean nothing in the grand scheme of things.

But she had hugged him when she was at a lost for words. Was it a thank you? Was it an acknowledgement that she knew he cared?

At lo levad.

He had whispered these words in her ear. He had been trying to find out what to say, something that could reach out to her, so that she knew she could trust him during this time.

He had talked to Shmiel about his concerns.

Ziva had just gone to take a shower and the water had just turned on. So he knew she couldn't hear them talking. Tony and Shmiel were sitting at his dining table.

"I'm worried, Shmiel, she's - " began Tony.

"She's being Ziva," he said knowingly.

Tony explained to him what had happened with the dream, how she had turned away from him.

"She's so preoccupied by trying to show everyone that she's okay - when she's not. I just want her to know that...that it's okay to not be okay."

"Tony, I do not think I need to tell you that Ziva has always found it best to be strong...in times when she should let herself be weak. She does not take kindly to showing the world that she cannot handle what it throws at her. I often wonder the strength of her faith in times like these - I have seen her lose so much...and so young."

He sighed, "Shmiel, I know...I know what Ziva has gone through. I know I can't ever fully understand that kind of loss. I lost my mother when I was young, but that - that's only a fraction of what she's gone through."

"But...?"

"But I think it's important for her to find strength in being weak, in letting other people take care of you when it's okay to not be strong."

Shmiel looked at him with a smile, "I know you want to take care of her, protect her. I see it in the way you look at her."

"Look, Shmiel..." said Tony, beginning to try and clarify his intent, even though he wasn't exactly sure the details himself.

Shmiel raised his hands up, "I do not mean anything by it. I do not even dare to describe what exactly any of that means. The older you get, the more you realize that there are things that are not worth explaining to others. I am just letting you know that I know you care and I know you care deeply. How and why is no business of mine." He paused and continued, "But I am glad. I am glad Ziva has you willing to stay by her side in this most difficult time. I am glad that you knew to call me here, exactly where I should be for our Ziva."

Our Ziva.

"So should I just leave her alone? Should I just let up? Seeing as how that's what she wants?"

"I do not really believe that that is what she wants," said Shmiel. "I think it is enough for her to just know that you are there...as you are. So if she does need you, she knows she can turn to you."

Tony sighed, "I hope."

"And when she does, I know what you should tell her..."

It was Shmiel that told him the meaning of "At lo levad", and it surprised Tony to know how much it described what he wanted to say, what he wanted her to know. He hadn't been sure how to say these words to her, to let her know that she was not alone...to remind her that he was there...that he would always be there.

And there it was. That sudden hug when she had no words. That sudden hug when he realized how perfect those words were.

At lo levad.

You are not alone.

And what had she said? "I know."

But did she? Did she know?

Did she know that even though she was miles and miles away - in another time and another place - he was thinking of her? That this feeling and memory of her came even when she was sitting a few feet away.

Did she know that when she held him, he did not want to let her go?

Shmiel had told him during that conversation that he didn't need to know how Tony felt, that there were things that were not worth explaining to others. But lately Tony was caught in trying to explain what it meant to himself...what exactly he wanted, how exactly he felt?

He felt as if what he wanted to express was like Ziva's embrace, something more set in actions than ever in words. He had no words either and the words he did have might never be enough.

Even "At lo levad".

And if he had no words to speak - and if an embrace spoke more than either of them could ever actually say - Tony wasn't sure what to do. He wasn't sure what was next...only that he couldn't wait for her to come back.

He couldn't wait for her to come home where he would be always.

End