A/N: Let's pretend Orochimaru was slightly less twisted for the time of this one-shot, okay? It was his one good day. I'm quite obsessed with the Sannin at the moment.

"Where's Tsunade?!"

"She isn't well, Jiraiya." Hiruzen gave a heaving sigh, rubbing at the bridge of his nose. The white haired twelve-year-oldsighed, and his dark-haired, lanky teammate's face was poised in thought.

"She was ill last month. And the month before." Orochimaru's voice was deadpan as ever, and Jiraiya crossed his arms across his chest.

"This is stupid, sensei! I'm going to go and find her and make sure she's not faking it!" Jiraiya exclaimed, but Hiruzen cleared his throat.

"Jiraiya, she's not feeling the best. Leave her be." Hiruzen existed, and Jiraiya clenched his fists, bringing his hands to his sides.

"She should go to a doctor or somethin', sensei!" he cried, and Hiruzen sighed once more.

"It isn't that simple. You've already wasted a lot of training time." Jiraiya and Orochimaru's teacher crossed his arms, and Jiraiya gave a loud and entirely unsubtle groan, Orochimaru rolling his eyes and his thick-skulled teammate.

"Fine." Jiraiya whined, and Hiruzen nodded, but just before he began the session, he stopped.

"You have to promise me that neither of you are going to press Tsunade. If you see her, you leave her alone." Hiruzen demanded, and Orochimaru gave a small nod, and despite furrowing his eyebrows Jiraiya did the same.

"Good." Hiruzen stated, before beginning the training session.

"I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry. And broke."

"Cheery as always, Roachi." Jiraiya grinned, and Orochimaru swung around and hit Jiraiya in the arm.

"Don't call me that." Orochimaru hissed. Jiraiya grinned and shrugged before the two young ninja made a beeline into the general store. As Jiraiya was heading down one of the aisles, he saw a familiar blonde kunoichi holding a box that looked intentionally subtle.

"Tsunade?" Jiraiya's voice was, on the other hand, not subtle, and the blonde jumped and hid the item she was holding behind her back. It was at that point that Orochimaru walked around the back of the aisle and was met with the back of Tsunade.

"Tsunade."

The blonde whipped around to face Orochimaru and Jiraiya pounced, running forward and stealing the package from Tsunade.

"What is it? Lemme see!" Jiraiya took the package away and Tsunade's face was stricken.

"I hate you!" she screeched, and she ran out of the store with her face buried in her hands. Orochimaru approached Jiraiya slowly and their eyes flicked over the packet.

"What the hell is men… mestru… menstray… that?" Jiraiya asked, pointing to the offending word on the package. Orochimaru and Jiraiya focused hard to read the few words which were on the packet.

"I don't think that we're going to work it out here." Orochimaru murmured.

"Gimme money." Jiraiya held out his hand and Orochimaru recoiled.

"Why me?!" he exclaimed.

"Because I'm broke and this is all in the name of inquiry, Roachi!" Jiraiya exclaimed.

"Don't call me that!" Orochimaru's voice was quite animated, and Jiraiya sighed.

"I didn't mean to! But we need to find out what this is." Jiraiya stated, and Orochimaru sighed and buried his hand into his pocket, pulling out a few coins and putting them in Jiraiya's palm.

"Is that going to be enough?" Orochimaru's voice was quiet and stoic again and Jiraiya shrugged, walking up to the counter. The shopkeeper gave Jiraiya a discerning look and placed the item in a bag for the young ninja, who slammed down Orochimaru's coins and looked back at the shopkeeper.

"Is this enough?" he asked. The shopkeeper, still slightly bewildered at the boy's purchase, nodded.

"Good! Come on, Roachi, we have investigation to do."

"Don't call me that!"

"… What is that?"

"… I'm scared."

Jiraiya held the small package up to the light, and it was completely opaque. He found a small tab and pulled it, opening the small package to reveal its contents.

"What the hell is that?" Jiraiya asked. The product was white and almost like fabric, and it was the same shape as an ironing board.

As he tried to pull this thing off of the packet, he felt some give. When he finally removed it from the packaging, his hand wrapped around the back and it stuck.

"It's sticky." Jiraiya smirked, and lurching forward, he stuck the product to the dark-haired ninja's forehead.

"Jiraiya, no! Get it off!" he exclaimed, but Jiraiya was far too engrossed in laughter to notice. Orochimaru ripped the product from his forehead and sighed, reading the back of the box it came in.

"It says absorbent." he furrowed his eyebrows in thought and walked quickly to the bathroom, Jiraiya following not long after. Placing the mystery item in the sink, he turned the tap on full blast. Apart from now being saturated, the product was no different, much to their discontent.

"Maybe there are instructions in the box?" Jiraiya asked, and Orochimaru gave a thoughtful nod, walking back out to the pox and fumbling around for a moment.

"Aha!" he cried, triumphantly, and he unfolded the small page. Jiraiya stood in front of him, impatiently waiting for him to read.

"Product for women… used for…" Orochimaru's expression dropped slightly as he read the next words, "feminine hygiene… okay… used to absorb excess blood… from the…" Orochimaru's eyes widened further than they ever have before.

"What?" Jiraiya asked.

"Oh, my God!" Orochimaru cried, and Jiraiya raced over to him, snatching the instructions.

"Yada yada, blah, blood from the… Oh, my God!"

"No!"

"Help!"

"You stuck that to my forehead!"

"Oh, God!" the young ninja were frozen in horror, and Orochimaru was the first to break from his stupor.

"We need help, Jiraiya." he trembled, and Jiraiya nodded, rendered speechless for the first time ever.

"We need sensei." Orochimaru said again, and Jiraiya nodded gormlessly. Picking up the box and hiding it in his bag, now understanding the shopkeeper's surprise at their purchase of the products, he grabbed Jiraiya's arm and dragged him off.

"Sensei!"

"What are you two doing here? What's wrong with Jiraiya?" Hiruzen enquired as the lanky ninja helped his white-haired teammate onto the training field.

"Sensei, we need to talk to you." Orochimaru began, and Jiraiya finally broke his silent stupor.

"They bleed from their … from their lady parts!" the words fell out of his mouth, and Hiruzen's eyes widened.

"I thought I told you to leave Tsunade alone." he hissed, and Orochimaru bit his lip and Jiraiya looked as if he was about to pass out.

"We didn't mean to, honestly. We went into the convenience store and Tsunade was there and she had these." Orochimaru dropped Jiraiya's arm and buried in his bag, pulling out the box of offending products.

"You bought them?" Hiruzen asked, and Orochimaru crossed his arms.

"I didn't buy them." Orochimaru frowned, and Hiruzen sighed and shook his head.

"You boys can be very stupid, you know that? And stubborn." he remarked, and Jiraiya looked up at Hiruzen, still stricken.

"But… how do they… why do they… I…" he babbled, and Hiruzen sighed.

"So neither of you knew that…" he began, and the boys shook their heads. He sighed and shook his head.

"How did you find out?" he asked, and Orochimaru pulled the leaflet from the box.

"This." he stated, and Hiruzen sighed.

"There are far more pressing matters at hand than me explaining this to you – which, may I point out, was not in my job description." Hiruzen stated.

"What?" Orochimaru asked. Hiruzen grabbed both boys by the collar and started walking back to the village.

"You're going to apologise to Tsunade."

The blonde kunoichi sat across from her two teammates and her teacher, not able to make contact with any of the three.

"Jiraiya, Orochimaru… do you have something to say to Tsunade?" Hiruzen asked. Orochimaru was the first to look up, but Jiraiya was still shocked.

"We're sorry, Tsunade." he mumbled, and Tsunade's eyes flicked up.

"Jiraiya…" Hiruzen prompted.

"Sorry." he barely mumbled, and Tsunade crossed her arms.

"Why did you even bother making them come and apologise, sensei?" Tsunade asked, indignantly.

"Principle, Tsunade. I'm sorry, but they were persistent." he explained.

"I'm never ever going to be persistent again." Jiraiya murmured, and Tsunade's eyes flicked to the white-haired ninja.

"What did you do?" Tsunade asked, and Jiraiya looked up sheepishly, and Orochimaru sighed.

"When you raced out of the store. He decided it was a good idea to buy the products you dropped." he explained. Jiraiya swung around and hit Orochimaru in the arm, his eyes fixed to the floor.

"You gave me the money." he mumbled, and Orochimaru sighed.

"And we opened it and we… we read the piece of paper in there and… that's why Jiraiya's catatonic." his voice dropped, and Tsunade crossed her arms.

"You didn't know?" she asked. Jiraiya looked up and his eyes were wide.

"No! We didn't! We didn't!" he whispered conspiratorially, and Tsunade sighed and shook her head.

"You two are never getting girlfriends." she sighed. Hiruzen sighed and looked down at the two sheepish male ninja.

"Alright. Now, will you ever question Tsunade's absence ever again?" he asked.

"No, sensei." they both murmured.

"And when I tell you to leave something alone, will you leave it alone?" Hiruzen asked.

"Yes, sensei." they replied. Hiruzen nodded.

"Right. Let's go. We still have training to finish." he said, and he walked out of the room before the young ninja. Orochimaru stood first and glanced at Tsunade.

"Sorry." he mumbled, and Tsunade nodded. Jiraiya pulled himself from his seat and looked down at Tsunade as he walked past her.

"You don't actually… bleed the whole week, do you?"

Orochimaru and Hiruzen watched as the white haired ninja walked to the training ground, clutching a rapidly reddening spot on his cheek. He walked up to the two and glanced at the ground.

"What happened?" Hiruzen asked.

"I walked into a door on the way here." he mumbled, and Hiruzen rolled his eyes.

"You're so clumsy. We start in five minutes." he replied, and he walked further out into the field. Jiraiya walked alongside Orochimaru, frowning.

"What did you ask her?" he asked. Jiraiya frowned.

"Shut up." he replied.