One Big, Happy Family

Harley Quinn had to put up with a helluva lotta crap in her life. She was madly in love with a man who didn't return her burning affection to quite the same degree, and who was frequently emotionally distant and bad-tempered, taking his rage out on her with both mental and physical abuse. She also had to deal with a man whose hobby was beating the crap out of her man, and herself if she wasn't lucky, and her man's peculiar obsession with him. They were fugitives from the law, so had to move from hideout to hideout, without a lot of creature comforts, and they were frequently broke, stealing whatever they wanted and needed to survive. They had to deal with incompetant henchmen, and often horrible failure, when Mr. J's schemes didn't go quite according to plan. It's not what any woman would exactly call an ideal life.

But it was worth it, all of that, on date night. Harley had these few rare evenings, only a precious few a year, where Mr. J would put aside his plans with the Bat, and put her first, treating her just like a normal guy would treat his gal, taking her out to dinner, or the theatre, or the movies. True, these nights more often than not ended in disaster, usually by Batman showing up to arrest them, or Mr. J doing something homicidal, like spraying acid at the waiter when he didn't bring the food fast enough, or getting bored during the play and shooting the actors to speed up the finale (that time they had seen Cats had been a regular bloodbath.) But occasionally they ended just perfectly, with Harley in bed, lying in his arms, exhausted and indescribably happy, gazing at him in adoration and never regretting for an instant her decision to stay with him through thick and thin. Those were the nights really worth waiting for. It made them all the more special because they were so rare, and tonight, she hoped, would be one of those evenings.

It had started out well – the carnival was in town and Mr. J had decided to take her there. Usually when they went out, Harley tried to dress a little more normally and not in her usual costume, but Mr. J was pretty recognizable wherever they went or however he dressed. Harley was used to the looks of unease and terror from the people who passed them as they strolled through the stalls, hand in hand.

"Hey, look, Harley doll, a shooting range!" exclaimed Joker, pulling her over to one of the booths.

"Aw, Mr. J, doncha have enough gunplay in real life without playing with guns here?" asked Harley, frowning. She didn't want the night to be spoiled before it began, and Mr. J with a gun usually led to trouble.

"Relax, pooh, I'll be good. And anyway, can't a guy show off for his doll?" he murmured, kissing her.

Harley squeaked happily, beaming at him as he picked up the pistol and aimed at the targets. If she was honest with herself, she really was impressed and turned on by the way he seamlessly shot one after another, not even pausing to aim, just naturally skilled with a weapon. God, he sure was skilled with a weapon. Harley couldn't help fantasizing about him using his own weapon on her later that night…

"I think that's what they call a perfect 10 in gymnastics, ain't it, kiddo?" laughed Joker, turning to her and grinning.

"Oh, Mr. J! No one can use a gun like you can, puddin'!" sighed Harley adoringly, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him.

"You can have any of the prizes," said the attendant nervously. His nervousness relaxed only slightly when Joker put down the gun to study the prizes.

"Whatcha think, kid?"

"I want that one, Mr. J!" exclaimed Harley, pointing at the giant teddy bear.

"What my baby wants, my baby gets," he said, grinning at her. The attendant handed her the huge stuffed animal and Harley squealed in delight, hugging it tightly.

"Oh, Mr. J! I just love him! But not as much as I love you, my gorgeous, wonderful, precious puddin'!" she breathed, covering him with kisses.

Normally he would have shoved her off or pushed her away, but tonight he chuckled, patting her head fondly and kissing her in return. Harley already felt it was going to be a good night.

And it only got better. They went on the ferris wheel and looked out on the Gotham skyline, the sky twinkling above them, and the city twinkling below them. As they reached the top of the wheel, it stopped, and Harley turned to gaze at Joker, feeling butterflies of excitement in her stomach even after all this time. Without a word, he brought his lips down to hers and kissed her, the most wonderful, the most tender, the most magical kiss she could remember. It was the most perfect moment of her life.

And it was ruined by the sound of a clown horn. "Sorry, baby, that's my phone," he said, drawing away and reaching into his pocket. "Hello? Yeah, now's not really a good time, Roc. Uh huh. Uh huh. Well, you can always depend on him to be a Bat-wrench in the works. Massive Bat-tool all around, really. Uh huh. Look, I can't really handle it at the moment – I'm busy. With Harley. No, not like that! I wouldn't have answered the phone, would I?! Look, I'm on a ferris wheel, I'll call you back in a second."

He hung up the phone. "Sorry about that, sweets. Where were we?" he murmured.

Harley smiled, tilting her face up to his as he took her in his arms and kissed her again. Only to be interrupted by another clown horn.

Joker growled. "What?!" he snapped, answering it. "I said I'd call you back! Yeah? Yeah, well I don't really care right now! Busy, like I said! You understand what busy means, right?! I'm paying you to handle it, so handle it! Hello? Roc? Hello?"

He sighed in annoyance, replacing his phone in his pocket. "Sorry, kiddo, Daddy's gotta go. It's an emergency."

"Batman?" sighed Harley.

"Yeah. Trust him to ruin everything," growled Joker. "Can't let me have one night off. Guy's got a real unhealthy obsession - he's clingier than a girlfriend!"

He laughed. Harley didn't. The ferris wheel reached the ground and they got out. "Look, pumpkin, I'd hate for you to have your night ruined, so why don't you stay here and have some fun? When I'm done with Bats, I'll come back and join you," said Joker.

"But it won't be any fun without you, puddin'," murmured Harley. "And what if you don't come back?"

"I will, pooh bear, I promise," he murmured, kissing her. "Trust Daddy, hmm?"

She nodded sadly. "Now how about a nice big smile, sweets?" asked Joker.

Harley forced one. "That's my girl!" he exclaimed, kissing her. "See you later, cupcake!"

He rushed off, leaving Harley standing in the middle of the carnival holding a giant teddy bear and trying to hold back tears.

She sat down by one of the stalls and ripped the head off the teddy bear. Then she began pummeling it furiously, imagining it was Batman, until finally her sorrow overcame her rage and she burst into tears. She knew she shouldn't feel sorry for herself like this, but she didn't understand why Batman had to ruin everything, or why Mr. J always put him first. Tonight was her night – she didn't have many, and he shouldn't let the flying rodent ruin it. She was hurt and confused and angry at both of them.

"Why are you crying, my dear?" said a soft voice. Harley looked up to see an old woman standing in front of her, dressed in bright clothing and wearing a shawl around her head. "No, don't tell me, let me see," she said, holding up her hand and staring into Harley's eyes. "You have been hurt by the man you love. He has put someone else before you, and this is not an uncommon occurance. Well, I suppose when one loves an extraordinary man, one must endure extraordinary hardship, is that not so, Harley Quinn?"

Harley stared at her. People didn't usually recognize her without her costume on, especially when she wasn't with Mr. J. "How…do you know who I am?" she whispered. "And how do you know about…Mr. J?"

The woman smiled. "I am an adept in the ways of the mysterious and the supernatural," she murmured. "I know many things hidden from others. Past, present, and future."

"You're like a fortune teller?" asked Harley.

"I am employed as a fortune teller, though I daresay my skill is far less common than that name would suggest. But sadly one cannot live entirely in the spiritual world without reality intruding. One must pay the bills somehow, and one can't call on the spirits for help with that, so even the greatest of us must practice occasional charlatanism for the sake of a monetary reward. But my skill is genuine. Is there anything I can do to help you?"

"I'll say there is!" exclaimed Harley, jumping to her feet. "I mean, you can really see into the future?"

"Yes, I can catch glimpes of it. The future is never set in stone, of course, but I can tell you where the road you now travel on may eventually lead if you do not veer off onto other paths."

"So you can show me how my life will turn out if I stay with Mr. J? I mean, not that it'll change anything, I'll stay with him anyway. I love him, even when he acts like a big jerk, but it would be nice for me to know that it's all worthwhile. There's a difference between believing something and knowing something. Not a huge one, but it's there. It would be nice to see how things turn out for us."

The fortune teller smiled. "Come with me, then, my dear," she said, taking her hand.

They entered her tent nearby. It was dark and smelled of strange herbs, and Harley saw a glowing crystal ball set on a table between two chairs. The fortune teller gestured her into one and took the chair across from her.

"I hate to even bring this up and ruin the magic, but like I said before, mystic powers don't help you eat," said the fortune teller, holding out her hand.

"Oh…right," said Harley, fumbling in her purse for some money. "Is this like a payphone? Five bucks will get you ten minutes, that kinda thing?"

"We'll start with five dollars and see how it goes," replied the fortune teller. "You can always pay more later."

She handed Harley a goblet. "Drink this first. It will relax you, and prepare you for the visions the spirits are about to reveal to you."

Harley obeyed, drinking what tasted like bitter wine. The forture teller than took her hands and placed them on the crystal. "You must keep your eyes fixed on the crystal," she said. "If you break the connection, the vision will end. Are you ready?"

Harley nodded, feeling nervousness in the pit of her stomach. The fortune teller passed her hands over the crystal ball, and Harley stared into its depths. And she saw…herself.

"Oh Jesus, I've got fat!" she exclaimed. "Mr. J won't like…" But then the realization struck her. "Oh my God…I'm pregnant," she whispered.

"Don't speak – just watch," murmured the fortune teller. "The shadows will speak to you."

It was like watching a television show – the images and sounds were crystal clear, and the pictures were like a video. And this is what Harley saw.