Herpaderp hi guys. So lately I've become sort of obsessed with the horror game Slender, which is weird because I'm so pathetic when it comes to horror stuff, but dear god this game is amazing. PLAY IT NOW! I wrote this because I got more than a little spooked, and I figured this would help lessen the fear. Wait, is this my first update of 2013? Happy 2013, guys!

DISCLAIMER: I DON'T OWN SLENDER. I KINDA WISH I DID, THOUGH. KAPEESH? GOOD!

The woods were completely silent. Actually, they would be completely silent if it weren't for the completely out of shape woman trekking through it. Her sweaty blond bangs fell in her eyes, but she was too lazy to brush them away. All she was focused on was the dim light coming from her iPhone and the ominous woods surrounding her. Above her head was a black sky, sprinkled with stars. Mmm…sprinkles….

The girl's phone frequently turned off from lack of using it (which is so annoying), so she would stiffen for a moment when the light turned on until she remembered to click the center button which provided light. Did I mention she'd been doing this for three hours?

The girl journeyed on with one goal; to collect eight sheets of paper that were littered across the abandoned park. Sounds easy, right? Well it wasn't, because she probably moved at a mile per mother fucking hour and Slenderman was following her. Who's Slenderman, you ask? Well, he's this super sexy thin guy with a suit and no face. He also may or may not be a pedofile. Nobody knows…

"Where could those notes be?" the girl muttered to herself. She probably had some kind of disorder, because she talked to herself more than the average person. She checked her twitter account in case anybody had tweeted her since she had gone. Nothing. So she decided to tweet, "collecting random sheets of paper in a forrest while Slenderman is following me! Hope I don't die! YOLO!" The whole world shunned her for this.

So, with her flickering phone she ventured into the forrest, trying to find at least one sheet of paper, because any other number would be pathetic. The trees towered above her, making her feel unusally short, which was odd because she was around 5'11". Out of seemingly nowhere came a huge-ass tree. With a sheet of paper on it. The girl tore off the paper and read it.

"O-M-G that Slenderman guy is, like soooo hot!"

"I know, right?"

"Sally, you already have a boyfriend, Slenderman is, like, mine!"

"Well excuse me for—" the diolauge ended abruptly. Maybe they ran out of space? The girl flipped the paper over to find a yaoi drawing of Slenderman doing something that's censored for a reason with a Pictonian from the Hetalia movie, Paint it White. Selfcest?

Slightly baffled, the girl shoved the paper in her pocket and continued forward. All of a sudden a booming sound appeared out of nowhere. What the fuck? She thought. Seriously, what was that? She entered a field of iron dildos which were actually silos but shhh don't tell. Another note was stuck onto one of the objects. This one just had a picture of John McCaine on it. Gross, right?

So the girl stuffed in in with her other note and found a suspicious looking room. Why she went in I don't know. Oh right, there could've been a page. I should listen to myself more often.

Anyway, when the girl walked in it turned out to be an oversized…bathroom? There were several cuadrants and a long corridor. She thought she could hear the song "Pretty Fly (for a white guy)" by The Offspring playing somewhere, but she figured she must've just been hearing things other than her obnoxious panting. She wandered in and out of rooms, finding nothing, until she walked into one near the back. A chair was tipped over and a guy was sitting in the corner. He was tall, had no face, and had a black suit.

"And all the girlies say I'm pretty fly for a white guy!" he drunkenly sang, taking a swig of whiskey.

"Who are you?" The girl asked timidly.

"I'm Canada! Wait, sorry, I'm Slenderman." He slurred, taking another swig.

"Uh…what's your deal?"

"Hey, Shane Macgowan, can you do something for me?" Slenderman asked, staggering to his feet.

"Yeah…only if you tell me who Shane Macgowan is."

"You don't know-ah, kids these days. Shane Macgowan was on…uh…she's a model. Yeah, a model. A hot one too. Now please do something for me?" the girl looked skeptically at Slenderman but nodded nonetheless.

"Get me a tub of ice cream and some Adele music."

"Why? What happened?" the girl asked, because we all know Adele's music is depressing and only good for moping about breakups or dead parrots or whatever.

"I got evicted. This guy who I think was a transvestite fairy landlord saw me make out with his girlfriend and he evicted me. I also may or may not have been on speed," he admited sheepishly.

"Uh, well I have Adele on my iPhone, and I can get ice cream at a seven-eleven," the girl offered.

"Thanks, you're awesome. I love you," he slumped in the corner again. "Why doesn't the transvestive fairy landlord also see that I'm pretty fly for a white guy? Dexter Holland is the only one who gets it!" Slenderman cried.

"Slenderman, shut up! Are you drinking again?" a voice from afar shouted. The girl saw a few lights flicker on from an apartment building a short distance away.

"I'm sorry, Claire! I just want to be accepted for who I am!" Slenderman sobbed.

"This is batshit," the girl muttered and stalked out while Slenderman had passed out from all the alcohol.

Uh…review?