Worthless

Chapter 1

I suffocate.

I plummet down into an absolute abyss of nothing.

Drowning deeper and deeper…

Everything becomes a blur in an excruciating pace. My lungs burn. They ask for air. Begging for mercy. And the pain becomes poignant. It becomes stronger.

You are a fool.

Feelings of joy and satisfying laughter that tugs at my stomach are foreign to me. Broken smiles are all that I can give. All I can afford. Seconds pass and I keep drowning. I let myself go. I let everything become a distant memory and embrace the welcome of a false bliss of paradise. A reverie I desire so much that makes my insides twist and turn but know I will never have. Every sound, every noise provoked is tuned out. I don't want to hear it.

The screams.

The loud bangs on the walls. Those white, impeccable walls tainted with memories of a sticky and crimson substance.

The pleading, the whimpering resounds over and over outside. I wish I could stop it all. I wish I could replace it all with absolute silence.

I slowly close my eyes and I can't breathe. My hand spread across my chest. My nails claw into my skin; and I inflict pain on myself. But I can't feel anything. Nothing will ever compare to the pain, to the misery he puts us through every single day. My lungs- oh how they yell for air! Their pleads are forgotten as questions drown me deeper.

Why?

Why must it all come to this? To the point where my grasp of life diminishes into something non-existent. Something that's not there anymore. It feels like I'm at the edge of a mountain. Only one hand holding me up, and I struggle to pull my meek body up. And he is standing on that mountain-at the top of his world- with his feet on my hand. Pushing hard, penetrating his filthy feet on my hand until I'm falling.

Then I'm dead. And nothing would be more giving than that: to have the pleasure of disappearing from this pathetic life.

Why so bitter now?

I forced myself to stay there and slowly suffocate. This is how it was always supposed to be. I was never born to survive. I closed my eyes completely and at that moment I was determined to stop this suffering. But the noise was so loud. It demanded to be heard. I don't want to hear it. I don't want to be woken up every day in a mess of nightmares and wonder how I will tolerate another day of pain. I don't want any of this.

I won't ask anymore. I won't wish for anything anymore because I'm always granted the exact opposite.

My lungs beg for air and I feel myself suffocate altogether. Ever so slowly, I'm dying.

Foolish girl. You're already dead.

And then I hear it.

The impact of metal hitting the floor ringing through the walls and through the frigid water which locked me into a chilly void. I immediately clutched both edges of the tub and I pushed myself upwards. Sudden gasps for air liberated my imploring lungs. Trembling arms wrapped around my naked body. My skin was almost a perfect shade of light blue, and I hissed as blood began circulating in me once again. My breathing was hitched as I swallowed. I took all the oxygen I could get to tame my still aching lungs. Tears vigorously began rolling down my cheeks. A whimper escaped my lips. It was an unconscious action I had planned to sustain. I ended up bringing my knees closer to my shaking body and almost immediately, I began rocking back and forth.

At the end of the day that is all I can do, nothing. Nothing to prevent this nightmare that has been going on for too long.

Pitying yourself is not going to solve anything.

When will I wake up? Is this reality?

Disturbing yells from downstairs thunder into the bathroom. My eyes close and my hands cover my ears.

I don't want to hear it.

This is not how it's supposed to be. I don't want things to be this way. What did I do wrong to cause all of this?

It's all your fault, isn't it?

I bit my lip to stop the whimpers. I bit it hard enough for blood to start dripping down my lip, to my chin, down my throat, and to the water. I opened one eye and found myself in a pool of red water. I licked my lip and the metallic taste busted my taste buds. I swallowed the blood. And slowly, I got up.

The screaming had stopped.

I pulled the drain out and heard the water flush down. I turned on the shower and all the red liquid rolled of my body. I stepped out and wrapped myself in a turquoise cotton towel. I sighed and leaned forward on the granite counter to stare at the stranger on the mirror.

Who are you?

All I saw was a body without a single ounce of life. All the spark filled with youth in my eyes was gone to be left with a dull brown replacing the once hazel. Pallid and fragile as if by the slightest push I would break. Heavy bags marked around my eyes showing my lack of sleep. All my flaws, all signs of how screwed up I am are there. Out to the open. To be judged and used against me.

A ragged suspire came out. My gaze rested upon a razor- his razor. It was like any ordinary razor, black and silver. This one, though, dared me to pick it up and taint it with the blood that ran in my veins. I found myself picking it up and taking the shielding cap off the metal. I looked at my naked wrists, staring at their pale bareness for a moment before I hesitantly lifter the razor to them. I licked my lip again and blood flooded my mouth. A few drops landed on my still unmarked wrists. My eyes widened and an overwhelming sense of shame overpowered me.

What the hell am I doing? My entire being began to shake. And I felt the tears so close to come out. This time I didn't let them.

I quickly threw the razor to the garbage and covered it with toilet paper in an attempt to make it vanish so I wouldn't be tempted to take it out again. My body was still shaking, and a wave of desire to take it back out lashed at me. I clutched my head forcibly and I slid down against the bathroom door.

I'm losing myself.

No, I'm already lost.

I held incoming tears and my heartbeat increased. I blinked a couple of times and a tear rolled down. I wiped it away as soon as it came. I can't show weakness. Not now. Not ever.

He feeds on weakness.

I dried myself clean and began dressing. I ignored how baggy my clothes fit me. I checked myself in the mirror and frowned disapprovingly. I tugged my black sweater down and took off my skinny jeans. Hastily, I put on red sweatpants and without another look, I got out of the bathroom. I carefully leaned on the hallway wall and slowly peeked down the stairs. My keen ears listened for any noise. When I heard none, I took the first step down.

Bam!

Startled, I quickly went back to the wall and hid behind it. I breathed heavily, and my hands automatically clenched. Please don't come up, I implored in my head. I bit my throbbing lip while closing my eyes. I waited for him to come up the stairs. I waited for his heavy footsteps to mark his territory. I leaned on the wall and anxiety washed over me when I couldn't find anything to hold. My chest heaved up and down rapidly.

"Loren, honey," a voice so faint called, "he's gone."

I opened my eyes at the weak and soft voice of my mother. I stood there frozen for a moment, listening to any sign that he was still here. When I heard nothing but the harsh breathing of my mother, I carefully went down the stairs. I clutched on to the handle on both sides of the wall. I turned the corner and held my breath as I watched the scene in front of me.

The scene caused a knot in my stomach to form. It stung. And I felt like crying, but I couldn't. For her, I couldn't. I walked towards my mom and she smiled. The knot tightened itself deeper in my stomach.

How can she smile?

How can you when you're lying on the floor covered in scattered glass? Look at you. Bruises, old and new, hiding your kind and beautiful face. Sore parts making your body breakable. Hours of crying and yelling taking the song out your voice. Look at us. What happened?

I lent her a hand when she attempted to get up but failed. She took it gratefully and cautiously stood up. I cringed at the vulnerability that shone out of her. She sighed and walked past me. Her brown wavy hair fell delicately on her shoulders, and I noticed how she limped into the kitchen. I watched as she grabbed the broom to walk back to the mess and clean it all up. To clean all the evidence of what he does to us. Not being able to stand watching her limp around anymore, I stalked over to the refrigerator. I fiercely opened it. A bitter smile formed.

"You bought a cake."

"Yeah." I heard glass hit against the garbage can.

"I told you I didn't want one."

I turned to her and ran a hand through my hair. She shrugged and smiled again. I couldn't tell if this one was forced or genuine. Either way, it hurt to watch her smile.

"So? It doesn't mean I can't get one. And plus, I promised you last year that I would get you one."

"I don't remember asking for one last year."

"You were fifteen," she reasoned, "your mind was elsewhere, and you probably ignored everything I said."

"Yeah, I was thinking of how to get by the next day without any yells."

She glared at me for a second before walking up to me. Her hand gently caressed my cheek. I wanted to give in to her touch, to pull her close to me and let everything out. Instead, I took her hand and pushed it away from me. Her eyes filled with sadness. She shook her head and forced another smile.

"It'll get better."

"When?" I snapped suddenly. "Tomorrow? Next week? Two years from now? Or never?" Her eyes searched my face and I noticed how watery they had become. "It will. I promise."

I pulled away from her hold completely and grabbed my house keys. I took my wallet out of the drawer and snatched my phone from the island. I opened the kitchen back door. Once I stepped out, I inhaled the fresh air and flinched as the sun's ray hit my face.

"Where are you going?" Her voice gave the slightest crack.

"Somewhere," I muttered.

"Alright…"

I closed the door and began walking away from hell. I turned the corner and ventured into the sidewalk. I looked to the side of me and stared at the two-story white house. It was big for three people. It was big enough for him to do all that he wanted with us without the worry of getting caught. I flickered my gaze away from the house, not being able to withstand looking at it any longer.

I placed my white hoodie on top of my head and avoided eye contact with the short, rimmed glasses, curly haired, and white lady. She looked at me a second too long. I quickly noticed she was staring at my throat. Hastily, I pulled the neck of my hoodie as high as I could and sped up my pace. I felt the lady's questioning gaze on me. My feet turned around the corner and I caught another glimpse of the white house- my hell.

This is how it's been for as long as I can remember. And it's how it will always be.

My mother, me and my abusive father.

I extended my arms as far as I could and looked up at the vast, blue sky. I blinked once. Twice. And took in the glorious view before me. I stood on the tip of my toes and waited for the sky to suck me in and take me far away. A smile played around my lips, but somehow, it didn't form. I undid my messy bun and straightened my hair around my neck to cover my throat. The questioning look of the stout lady made me self-conscious of the finger-print bruises. I pulled my hoodie back up and observed the view again.

This is my sanctuary. The only place he can't touch.

The soles of my shoes were back on the ground and I brought my hands to both of my sides. They limply hung there. My mind took me back to happier times. To when I was five and I came home with hands tainted with paint. We had finger painting that day and I remembered the drawing so well. It was a rainbow, a messy one, but one regardless. And on top of that rainbow was my mom, and my dad, and me. We were all holding hands and I felt like luckiest five-year-old alive because when I came home with my painting, my dad laminated it and placed it in front of the living room on top of the TV, showcasing it for everyone to see.

I shook my head instantly. Even my happiest memories bring pain to me because it reminds me of what I have lost. My mind turned to a darker time. It was midnight and I heard my mother yell-

Swiftly, I detracted away from that memory and looked up into the sky again. I focused on other things. I noticed a flock birds flying together. They weren't in any particular form like some birds were when migrating season kicked in. These birds seemed so free and happy. I suddenly felt a pointless twinge of jealousy.

What does it feel like to be free?

I ignored the grayish looking birds. I squatted down and picked up some rocks. I threw them to the distance, squinting my eyes to see where they landed. I kept throwing the rocks over the hill and attempted to spot where they landed. I was entertained by it for a few minutes that I didn't acknowledge the faint footsteps behind me. It was weird because I have trained my ears to pick up any noise from the drop of a paperclip to loud bangs on the door.

"Hi."

The soft greeting startled me. I turned around quickly and found myself looking at the person walking towards me. I dropped the remaining rocks and nodded gradually. He smiled and I saw how his brown eyes sparkled wonderfully. I wonder what it's like to actually smile for real. Not the ones where they don't reach your eyes or the restrained ones, but the genuine smiles that light up every inch of your face that even your body throbs with happiness.

"Um, hello."

I waved my right hand awkwardly at him. He stood beside me and I crossed my arms while he placed his in his pockets.

"It's beautiful here."

I looked at him and he was looking at the scenery with profound admiration. Just like me, he gets hypnotized by its beauty. I wanted to smile at this but found that I couldn't. I averted my gaze to the sky again. After a few moments, the silence became awkward and I wanted to get out of it. I cleared my throat, capturing his attention. This place is not big enough for both of us, I thought. His eyebrows were raised, and he curiously looked at me.

"So," I began, "what are you doing here?"

"I come here a lot." He answered. My gaze drifted away from his. His eyes never left me, and I felt curiosity flare out of him.

"Me too." Can this guy leave already? I felt him discreetly lean into me and I panicked at our closing proximity.

"Um," he said slowly after a moment, "so-"

"Can you leave?" I blurted. My cheeks were instantly covered with a pinkish color at my sudden bluntness.

"Excuse me?" He leaned away from me and I sighed in gratitude. He looked at me taken aback and incredulous to my sudden question. I shrugged in annoyance. "I just needed some alone time. So, can you please go?"

"What if I don't want to leave? Maybe I want some alone time too." He argued back and I noticed his brown eyes gleam with challenge. I twitched. He is beautiful. I fully noticed the boy beside me for the first time and he wasn't hideous to look at. His dark brown hair was slightly overgrown, and it was messy, but he somehow pulled it off. He had fair skin with full round lips and red cheeks from the cold. He wasn't very tall, yet he was a head taller than me. He was lean, I noticed, his biceps bulged out his sweater just slightly.

"Okay," I said flustered as I became aware of the beautiful boy smiling at me with a strange emotion in his eyes. "But I was here first. And being alone here is a need for me."

He narrowed his eyes at me, his full lips perked up just a little. I stood my ground and politely pointed to the direction he came from. He flashed me a smile, his abnormally perfect white teeth showing with his goofy smile. "Nope." I sighed dejectedly and turned around to the scenery. I knew he was smiling with triumph, and his gaze was still placed on me. I bit my lip but hissed at the sudden pang of pain. I forgot the bloody hell I gave it.

"Are you okay?" I looked at him and his triumphant smile had vanished. Concern was evident in his eyes. He looked at my bleeding lip and they widened for a millisecond before he looked at my eyes again.

"Never been better."

I wiped my lip with my hand. I looked at my hand and there was blood. He-who-I-don't-know out of nowhere shoved a handkerchief my way. I looked at it skeptical. Maybe he's some rapist or a pedophile. I looked at him and shook the thought away.

"Take it."

He shoved it to me again, and I reluctantly took it. "Thank you," I murmured. I wiped my lip and my nose scrunched up at the pain. I observed his hanky and let out a raspy laugh, "People still carry these?"

I noticed his smile return, "I do. I'm Eddie Duran by the way."

I stared at Eddie unfazed from the corner of my eyes. He flashed me a smile that was supposed to make me weak on the knees and make my heart skip a beat. It didn't though. I internally frowned that it almost would have if I hadn't been annoyed at the fact he was still here.

"Good for you."

He opened his mouth slightly, obviously taken aback by my ignorance or something of that sort. Then it dawned to me. His last name rang a bell. Duran.

"Hey, aren't you Max and Katy Duran's son?"

He smiled at my late recognition. "Yeah."

"Cool. My mom was a huge fan of MK. I grew up listening to their music."

"Yeah. They're amazing. They inspire a lot of people with their music, myself included." He ruffled his hair oh-so-coolly and I think my heart was supposed to stop at that moment. It was still functioning well. His lips twitched up into a smile as he thought of his parents. I stared at him and thought of mine.

What is it like to be loved by both of your parents unconditionally? Where your mother is not delusional enough to think that he will change his ways? That every day is not hell instead a sweet surprise? What is it like to be free and not worry over if you are going to survive the next day? I sighed and pressed the hankie harder on my lip, causing more blood to come out. I swallowed and turned around while ignoring Eddie's eyes following my every movement.

"Where are you going?"

"I have to go."

He nodded and smiled, but it wasn't like the other ones. This one seemed disappointed. I shrugged the thought away. "It was nice meeting you."

"You too." And I meant it. He was refreshing, not that I would tell him.

"Hey," he took a step forward and his arm twitched, like he wanted to reach for me but stopped himself, "what's your name?"

I smiled weakly, and his smile dropped because he noticed how fake it was. He saw through my façade and it bothered me that he did. "It's not important," I said, and he looked at me with furrowed eyebrows wanting to question me further, but I left.

I am nothing.

Four Days Later

"Listen to me carefully, sweetie."

I breathed harshly as I gasped for air. He had me pinned on the wall and his hands tightly clutched my neck. The healing bruises around my neck were quickly being replaced by new, painful ones. I felt his grip intensify as I tried to get out of his hold. I panted as all air was ripped away from me. He leaned down and slowly kissed my cheek. His kiss lingered for a few moments and I whimpered as a few tears rolled down my cheek. He delicately wiped them away and I dared not to look at him. To not look at his dangerous eyes that were revoltingly the same shade as mine.

Why does it have to be this way?

My mother was lying unconscious on the floor. Blood surrounding her and each passing second, I become aware of how her body looked so dead. The knot in my stomach was on the verge of ripping me apart from the inside. The pain from my lungs was nothing compared to the thought of having my mom gone forever. He violently cupped my face with his free hand, squeezing forcedly. I kept my eyes on my mom, pleading for a sign that she was alive. If she's gone, then I won't have any reason to be alive. If she's gone, then I shall be gone too.

My eyes began to close, and I was prepared to ask him to take a hold of my head with both hands and give it a strong twist to the side. Then I heard it. It was quiet, and weak but I heard her. Her cough was enough to give me fuel to start punching on his arms. It did nothing, but it was something.

"This is what you are going to do."

He slowly let me go and I fell on the floor. I curled up bringing my knees to my body and wrapped my arms around them. I wanted to go to my mom. I wanted to cradle her, and whisper lies in her ears. "Everything will be alright," I wanted to say. He softly placed a hand on my head, and I cringed at his touch.

"You are going to pick this mess up. Clean it all. You're going to have to wake Nora and get her clean and gently tuck her in bed. Then you are going to go get something to eat because there is shit in this house. And after you come back, like the good daughter you are, you're going to check on your mother and then go to sleep and pretend nothing ever happened."

I breathed heavily as I looked at this man with so much venom. The resemblance we both shared was undeniable, and I distasted it. He squatted down and smiled at me. A crooked, cynical smile. I pulled myself tighter and turned my head away instantly as he placed a kiss on my head. He chuckled.

"I'm not going to hurt you, sweetie. You know I never will."

He took a fist full of my hair and yanked at them. I contained the small cries. I cannot be weak, especially not in front of him. He stood up and I heard his footsteps fade away from me.

"Good girl."

The door closed softly. I stood up and ran to where my mother was. I carefully picked her upper body up and held her closely to me. This time I didn't hold the cries. She turned into a dangerous fit of coughs and I held her. I couldn't say anything as she began to cry in my arms.

I sat there, with my mother struggling to contain her cries and me not knowing what to do anymore.

I need to put an end to this.

How can you when you, too, are afraid?

Six days later

"Can you leave now?"

"No can do."

"Why not?"

"Because I don't want to."

"You're annoying."

He smirked and raised his eyebrows fastidiously at me. I internally groaned as this is the fourth time I meet up him on this hill unplanned, and it's been the same song every time. I tell him to leave, he adamantly says no, and we bicker back and forth until I give up. And every time he always has a triumphant smile, but above all, he always seemed so happy and I was confused as to why he hadn't grown tired of our bickering.

I pulled my hoodie up and tried adding an extra layer to cover the bruises around my neck. They were hidden by my turtle-neck shirt. I cleared my throat and brought my legs to my body. I hugged them and rested my chin on my knees. I felt Eddie's gaze scrutinizing me. I looked at him from the corner of my eyes and pressed my lips together. He was looking at me weirdly. I looked up at the grey sky and sighed.

"Why do you that?"

"Do what?"

"Cover yourself up."

I turned to look at him and shrugged, "why do you care?"

He scratched the back of his head neurotically and rapidly turned to face the view in front of us. He laughed nervously and I waited for his response. A few moments later he turned back to me and there was a small smile on his face. He gently placed his hand on my head clutching the top of the soft material of my hoodie, reminding me about how close we were sitting next to each other. And slowly, he took the hoodie off my head. He entwined locks of my hair with his fingers and in a caressing manner, he put them behind my ear. He gently caressed my cheek with the back of his hand. I felt goose bumps immediately and my breath got caught in my throat. I cursed as I felt my face heat up idiotically.

"I don't know," He shrugged involuntarily telling me that he was truthful. His hand was now cupping my crimson cheek. "I just think it's kind of sad that you don't see what I see."

I slightly parted my lips and looked at him confused. "What do you see?" He smiled warmly at me. His eyes held a sudden affection in them that was unknown to me. Only my mother has every looked at me like this, and at some point, my father. Eddie didn't turn away from me.

"How beautiful you are."

My eyes widened as he let those words slip out of his mouth. He was still smiling at me and no sign of remorse of what he had just said was evident on his face. Instead, he continued caressing my cheek as my heart started beating at a strange pace. What I was feeling at that moment was foreign. I didn't like it at all. No one had ever made me feel like this. And what mystified me the most was that I was not repulsed from his touch. In an instant, I pushed his hand away and looked at the view in front of me. I ignored whatever I was just feeling and tried to forget what he had just said. I inhaled and shook my head.

How can you find someone so broken, so lost, so weak beautiful? I am anything but beautiful.

He heaved a sigh and laid on the ground. His arms coiled behind his head as he used them as a pillow. I had the urge to lay down with him. Instead, I pulled my legs closer to me and put all my effort not to look back at him.

"I hate you."

For making me feel like this.

"I know."

He said in a soft, sweet voice that seemed to be reserved for me ever since we met.

Two weeks later

"Mom?"

"Yeah, honey?"

"We need leave."

I looked at her with helpless eyes. She stared at me for a mere second before shaking her head. "Loren, not now."

"Mom, please. Let's go right now. Leave everything and just take the car and get away from him. Mom," I swallowed exasperatedly, "we need to go. Please, this is the only chance we got. He won't be here for at least a few more hours. Let's take this chance."

She shook her head. I watched her back as she walked away from me and I couldn't have that. I was fed up of watching opportunities go to waste because we were too afraid. I was fed up of watching her give up after so much emotional and physical abuse he inflicted on us. I was determined to take the car and leave far away from him.

I inhaled deeply and stood in front of her. Her eyes darted away from mine. I cupped her cheeks and forced her to look at me. She had tears rolling down her cheeks. It took everything within me to not start crying with her. But I needed to be strong for her. For the both us. She gently gripped both of my wrists and stroked both with her thumb. She nodded and I held my breath in hope.

"Where would we go? We have no one." She uttered out helplessly.

"We'll think of that later." She was right, we didn't have anyone. But that didn't matter right now. "We need to leave right now. Get away from here and then we think of where we would go after. I-I-" I was on the verge of breaking too. "Mom, I can't take this no more. This nightmare needs to end. We need to escape from Trent."

I let her go and she wiped her tears away. I ran a hand through my hair and simultaneously picked the keys up. I turned around and my mom was gone. Panic shot through me. Did she change her mind? She can't. She couldn't.

"Mom?"

"I'm packing!"

"No! We don't have enough time." I followed her up the stairs and she began taking out a suitcase from the closet. I took it off her hands and shook my head vigorously. "We're wasting time. We need to get out of here as soon as possible. We can't risk this chance. Let's go." I grabbed her hand and she, confused, let me drag her down the stairs.

I gave her the keys and she reluctantly grabbed them. I began walking faster towards the door as I felt her face rise with terror. No. Not now. We need to leave. I pulled her towards the door, but she suddenly stopped. I tried pulling her, but she was stronger. She shook her head uncontrollably and dropped the keys. I quickly picked them up and placed them in between her hands. Both of our arms were trembling. She didn't want to take them.

I wanted to scream at her. But I knew that wouldn't do anything. I closed my eyes and I saw how this chance was slowly slipping away from us. "No mom," I wanted to say, "Please realize how much we need to leave."

"We can't go, Loren," she shook her head and my heart stopped, "we can't leave Trent. How will he manage?"

"Trent will manage by himself, but we need to go because if we don't, he will keep abusing us." I was surprise at how calm I sounded while inside I wanted to end.

"Trent-"

"He will never change," I snapped. There's so much patience I can hold with such little time. "He will always keep torturing us. No matter how many times he tells you he will change, he never will. Why can't you see that? We need to go. Please mom, do this for the both of us. Let's go search for that better life you always told me about. The one you promised we would have."

"Honey, I-"

"Don't you want the best for me?" She cupped my cheeks and pulled me into an embrace. We're wasting time, I wanted to say. "Don't you want to protect me?" This is our only escape. "So please, let's get out of here. Away from Trent." She shivered and pulled away from me. I gave her the keys and she grabbed them this time. She walked to the kitchen and I wanted to pull every strand of hair out of frustration. Then she came back with a roll of cash in her hands.

"Where did you get that?"

"I've been saving this for the past couple years."

She grabbed my hand and we began walking towards the entrance. My heart was pumping out of my chest as we inched closer to the door. This is our only escape. The keys shook uncontrollably telling me that my mother was just as nervous and as excited as I was. She quickly held the door knob and opened the door.

And everything came crashing down.

"NORA!"

Nothing comes easy, little girl. We were supposed to be gone. He was supposed to be gone.

My mom whimpered as we stared at the rabid man shooting daggers at both of us. He chugged down the last drop of his bottle and I stared at him disgusted as liquid rolled down his beard. I squeezed my mom's hands and we began backing away as he walked forward. Our hands were trembling, and I swallowed as he lifted his hand up, the one with the glass, and smashed it to the ground. My mom held a scream and my tears were stinging.

We had our chance and we lost it.

"You ungrateful bitches! Where the fuck do you think you're going?"

I made a run for it, bringing my mom with me but was cut off short when she was pulled out of my grasp. I quickly turned around and he had grabbed her from her hair. She screamed in agony as he violently shook her.

"To all that have I done for you! This is how you repay me?"

She looked so small, so fragile next to him.

He continued shaking her head and her limp body tried escaping from him. Without another beat, I charged at Trent and attempted to push him off her. I kicked and punched him as hard as I could, but it did nothing. Like always.

He unexpectedly turned around and in one swift movement he lifted me up and threw me away blindly. I flinched in pain as my back hit the mirror on the wall. Glass was sent chattering around me and I landed on one broken piece. It cut through my skin on my left leg and I contained the scream. Tears rolled down my cheek. It blurred my vision and for a moment I didn't see him hurting her. All I heard were screams. But I knew what he would do to her. It was all part of a routine.

"Please don't- No! No-"

He pushed her to the floor.

Kicked her once.

Twice.

Three times.

He squatted down, grabbed her by the hair and shoved her head against the floor. She yelled and all I could do was hear it all. Hear as he tortured her because I was too much of a coward to do anything.

Why am I so useless? All I can do is just sit around. Why? Why can't I stand up? She'll die because of you. I can't let him kill her. No. I can't. He needs to pay for all that he did. I screamed, letting all my pain and anger out.

I grabbed the closest thing I could reach and painfully stood up. My leg and back hurt so much but I ignored it. I limped and grasped the metallic tube on my hand. This is my chance, I thought as I held it, to get away from all of this.

He was too distracted harassing my mother to notice me struggling my way to him. He was too busy laughing to hear my small cries of pain. He was too busy enjoying the misery my mom was going through. I lifted the tube and put all my strength as I smashed it against his skull.

I enjoyed every second of him falling weakly on the floor. I enjoyed as his big body laid there weak and powerless. Pleasure filled me and I smiled at the stranger laying on the floor.

Ten years ago, he had turned into drugs, alcohol and let himself go. Ten years ago, he had come home drunk and took advantage of my mom. Ten years ago, I watched as he slowly gave in to all the violence and pain, he inflicted on us. I watched as he enjoyed his sadistic actions.

Ten years ago, I lost my father.

Ten years later, I was finally free.

"Loren Tate?"

I wrapped myself with the blanket as I looked up at a tall, muscular man and his clipboard. I swallowed and sat up straighter. My back leaned against the ambulance's truck door. I looked at his badge, Rogers. He smiled sympathetically at me and I down casted my eyes.

"How's my mom?" I barely managed to say.

"She's been taken care off. She'll get better. I'm sorry you couldn't go with her to the hospital, but we need to ask you a few questions regarding your father-"

"Trent McCall. That's his name."

I looked down at my bandaged leg and flinched as my back began to hurt. Rogers nodded and sat down next to me. He smelled of Dr. Pepper and peanuts. I found the smell comforting.

"He's not going to hurt you anymore."

My lips pressed together. A shrug was my response.

"You are brave. You had enough and you were able to escape from it. And now he will pay."

"Is he dead?" A hoarse voice asked. It was mine.

"You hit him pretty bad in the head. He's lucky if he gets just a concussion and not the latter, death."

I was neither happy nor sad. Afterall, he was still my father.

"What will happen to him? Will he-"

"Jail. Hopefully for life. What he did is unforgivable. He will never ever hurt your mother and you again."

For life, I thought, that seems too good to be true. I nodded. Good. I sighed and my hands turned into fists. I felt Rogers's eyes on me, and he smiled empathetically.

"You can cry, you know. It's okay to cry. It's all over."

I smiled bitterly. "I've been crying for the past 10 years, Rogers. And although I want to, I won't."

He looked at me with sad eyes. "Why don't you?"

"Because I can't. That won't change anything. All the damage he has done is still here and crying won't fix anything. Crying won't erase all that has happened to the both of us."

I'm worthless.

Two years & a Half Later

Senior Year - Wednesday

"Happy birthday!"

I spun around trying to find who this person-who had indiscreetly yelled-was. I looked around and ended up staring at a bright and colorful girl smiling lively at me. I raised an eyebrow.

Melissa Sanders.

She smiled enthusiastically at me and I noticed the box she held on her hands. She was fidgeting in her spot with an unnamed excitement. My gaze landed on hers again, and her smile widened. How the hell did she know it was my birthday? I don't even know this girl that well. Only that I have all my classes with her, and she can't seem to shut up. But I like her. She's different. And she doesn't care what others say about her. I admire and respect that.

"Um, okay?"

"Here!"

She pushed her neon pink box which was wrapped in a neon green ribbon. The box was bomb to my sight. I grabbed it and looked at it blindly. I blinked a couple times to adjust to the colorful box. "Thanks…"

"You're very welcome." Melissa smiled and twirled a curl with her finger.

"How did you know it was my birthday?"

"Your mom is friends with my mom. I overheard their conversation about your birthday."

"Oh."

This is news to me. So, she's Lisa Sanders daughter. I observed the girl again. She simply shrugged and smiled again. I nodded appreciatively. "Thank you again." I turned around and began walking away. I heard her clattering heels walk alongside me. I looked at her and she smiled sheepishly.

"I was thinking that maybe we could go for lunch or something."

"I'm sorry, but-"

"C'mon! It'll be fun. We can talk and get to know each other." Her red pumps made my blue Converse look cheap in comparison. Her floral, tight dress made me look like a boy with my white shirt and baggy denims which tucked my body away.

"I don't think I-"

"Oh shush! You know you want to."

I let her drag me all the way to the parking lot. We stopped suddenly next a beat-up red Toyota. "Meet Billy," she winked at me while patting Billy's hood. She pushed me to the passenger seat and shut the door. I watched as she graciously strolled around the car, opened the door and got in. She started the ignition and drove away.

"Where are we going?"

"To the mall."

"I thought we were going to get something to eat."

"We are. We're also going shopping."

"What?" I was getting annoyed and furious. "Who are you? What are you doing? Did my mom pay you to come up unexpectedly to me for a day? Are you going to go off to your friends later today and tell them how big of a joke Loren Tate is? How everyone in this world knows how her abusive father was about to kill her and her mom?'

She looked at me from the corner of her eyes as I was red, fuming with anger. I shut my eyes. My temper is usually well composed, but moments like this made me slip up. I rubbed my face and leaned back on the car seat. She shook her head and smiled sympathetically. I don't need your pity. I looked away and she poked me in the arm.

"What friends? I don't have any." She whispered. "You're the first one who didn't tell me to 'go fuck off'. If you haven't been paying attention, everyone hates me," she smirked, "and my guts."

I turned to look at her and she smiled. She continued driving.

"Admit it. You're just like me. We're both alike just under different circumstances. And no. Your mom didn't pay me. I came up to you willingly like you aren't protesting and letting me drag you to the mall."

I down casted my eyes and sighed. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because everyone needs a friend. Someone who can be there for them. Someone who can lend a shoulder to cry on. Or just to remind you that you're not completely alone. Even people like us, people who believe that life is filled with disappointment and hate, we need someone."

I sighed dejectedly. Melissa continued driving while I leaned deeper against the passenger seat. Letting myself relax.

"This one's cute. What do you think?"

"It's pretty."

"You didn't even look at it!"

"I did."

"Will you get off that phone?"

I groaned when Melissa snatched it away from me. She placed it inside her bag, and I glared at her. She waved the floral dress in front of her. She had already showed me three, all with same ugly flowers on it. This one was somewhat better than the rest.

"Go try it."

"I don't want to."

"Well too bad."

She pushed me to the dressing room and shoved me the dress. I struggled to get the zipper up, but when I did, I came out and Melissa gasped. She made me twirl around and she clasped her hands.

"This is the one. It was made for you. Oh, look at you!"

Melissa gushed and made me look at myself on the mirror. I smiled a small one. I straightened the knee-length dress to admire how it complemented my body. Melissa stood beside me and grabbed my arm. I looked at her from the mirror and she smiled.

My first friend. The first person I feel comfortable and safe enough to be touched. I frowned at that because it didn't sound accurate, and I remember the guy from the hill. What was his name? Oh, yeah. Eddie Duran. He was actually the first person that I allowed myself to get close to.

Where is he now? Apparently, he's now an international rock star who every girl can't help but fawn over. My cheeks burned at the memories of him and me chatting on top of that hill. I wonder if he remembers me. His constant pictures on magazines and social media platforms don't let me forget him. He was no longer the boy I met on the hill, but a man. I haven't seen him in over two years. After all, I stopped going to my spot after that day that turned my mom's and my lives around. We eventually ended up moving to Tarzana into a lovely one-story house. It was small -good for the both us- with a small front yard covered with green grass and two trees that held a hammock to lay there, and waste time whenever both of us needed some time alone. We had planted flowers of all kind, most died because gardening wasn't our expertise, but some bloomed on our first spring in that house.

Ever since, things have been getting better for us. I have a stable part-time job and I got accepted to Brown. I indulged myself with my academic grades after Trent. I wanted to distract myself and studying seemed to work. My mom has been working as an accountant in a clinic, and she recently took another part-time job in a bar. And we're better though we still have scars showing our struggle. Mentally we're both still fighting. There are times when we must hold each other because the silence becomes too much. It's in the silence where ghosts of the past haunts us the most. Where our minds turn into our worst enemies. Night is when they creep into our dreams, making sleep restless. We're getting there. Trent is where he belongs, rotting in prison. That thought alone puts me at ease, even if it's not for long.

I sighed and Melissa pulled me away to the other racks of clothing.

We ended up buying three more dresses and two pair of shoes with accessories. I walked out of the store with the dress on. Melissa had insisted on me wearing it. She despised my former attire, I could tell. My stomach betrayed me, and our next stop was the food court. Melissa had all the bags. I had no problem carrying them, but she feared that I'd throw them away while she wasn't looking. A foolish thought to be honest. We rounded off the corner and the food court came into view. "Wait," Melissa stopped suddenly and she hunched over in exhaustion. Her curly locks hanging down her tan shoulder. "I'll be right back. I need to go put these on the car." She looked at me with warning, her dark brown eyes glinting, "stay here."

I watched as Melissa turned around and walked towards where we came from. I ran an exasperated hand through my hair. I had it in a bun, but Melissa demanded me to let it loose. It's tiring having a friend, I concluded. That and the fact that Melissa is very energetic. She cannot stay in one place. I was about to turn around towards a resting area next to the food court when I heard her shout.

"DON'T EAT WITHOUT ME!"

I groaned and clutched my rumbling stomach. I walked towards one of the many benches and sat down on it. I watched everyone passing by, but there weren't many people. The mall was almost empty, nonetheless I people watched for a minute. I leaned back on the wall in utter boredom. A few minutes later, Melissa was still not here. I closed my eyes and bit my lip, a habit that stuck whenever I got anxious. I sighed. Can she hurry up?

Moments later, I heard the rumbling of bags, some rough exhales and then it went quiet. I opened one eye and noticed that someone was sitting next to me. The person grunted and stretched his arms towards the sky. He rolled his head backwards and sighed dejectedly. I smiled.

"Stressing day?"

"Huh?" He pretended as if he had just noticed me. His eyes searched mine and an all too familiar smile formed. That smile ignited old feelings within me. "Yeah, I got here two hours ago and I'm dying to leave already."

I laughed and his smile widened. "What about you?"

"I'm dying of boredom." I shrugged and he chuckled. We both sighed and this caused us to look at each other at the same time. Slowly, his hand reached towards my face and I held my breath. I didn't cringe back, and it confounded me to no end.

"What are you doing?" A high-pitched voice stopped him mid-way. He closed his eyes in frustration. The voice yelled again, and he twitched. "You need to come to this store!"

A tall skinny blonde stood in front of us. She had blue eyes, a fake tan, and she was beautiful. She looked like somebody you'd see on a magazine, look at her for a moment with jealousy and then flip the page in descending interest. Eddie deliberately looked at her with a blank expression. I restrained a laugh as I watched him try his best not to look annoyed. He faked a smile and said sarcastically, "coming, dear." The blonde woman smiled enthusiastically and quickly walked away. "There's this cute diamond necklace I just saw. You need to buy it for me!" I raised an eyebrow at him, and he groaned.

"She's a keeper."

He rolled his eyes and I smiled. He leaned back and looked at me for a long moment. I felt my face blush as his eyes trailed down my body. He smiled and scratched the back of his head. His eyes met mine, and my blush turned ten shades of red when he unconsciously licked his bottom lip. He was the only one who could get me like this. It was always only him. I immediately turned away from him in an attempt to hide my blush. His gaze never faltered away from me.

"Where have you been?" He said so softly.

I sighed. "Somewhere."

"I missed you."

I snorted. "We only met twice on that hill."

"Thirteen times actually," he sounded hurt, "and you're pretty hard to forget."

He had kept count. I blushed a deeper red if that's possible and I clutched the hem of my dress. I was still not looking at him. Gently, he placed his fore-finger and thumb on my chin. He made me look at him and his radiant brown eyes held me captive. They had a certain spark and I wanted to drown in them. I shook the thought away. What a sap you've become. What am I thinking? He has a girlfriend, and he would never look at someone like me in that way when he has someone like her at arm's length. His eyes trailed down to my lips and there was a small red tint on his face. He swallowed and there was temptation in the way he looked at me. I let out a shaky breath and we locked eyes again.

"Wow."

He said breathless. And he let me go, I missed his warmth instantly. He scratched the back of his neck, a nervous thing he did, I suppose.

"These two years have been good to you. If it's possible, you're even more beautiful."

My face was a tomato now. Screw him. "Yeah, right."

"I'm serious."

I pressed my lips together and shook my head.

"It still hurts."

"What does?"

"How you still don't see what I see." I remembered that day, the first time he said that to me left me so confused and I didn't know what to do. Afterwards, I couldn't stop thinking about him, and I looked forward to seeing him again seconds after I left the hill. I thought that the more I got to know him the feeling would go away. Instead, the confusion grew stronger and deeper, but I always shoved it in the back and ignored it. I didn't want to get attached. From the moment I met him, every time I would go up the hill, he would be there, like he made it his mission to be there.

I bit my lip and he shifted closer to me. "You're different since when I last saw you," he leaned in, "there's this spark in your eyes that I didn't see before and it suits you and-" he smiled at me and pointed at my mouth, "you're smiling," he paused and exhaled out, "and I've never seen anything more beautiful."

This man knows how to flatter people. I shrugged with the attempt of shaking his compliments away, but to no avail I was flustered. He smiled knowingly. "You don't believe me, huh? But I'm telling you the truth." He ruffled his hair then proceeded to stare at me. A moment passed and he asked, "Can I borrow your phone for a second?"

Does he not have a phone? I didn't question him as I fumbled to get my phone out of the purse Melissa decided to buy me. When I found it and gave it to him skeptical as to why he needed to use it so suddenly.

"My battery ran out, forgot to charge it last night," he explained, "I need to give a quick text."

I nodded and waited for him. A minute later he handed it back. Silence fell upon us.

"Eddie!"

He groaned again and before he stood up to see what his missus wanted; he took out his wallet, and in a small compartment took out a small velvety black jewelry bag. He extended his arms towards and I looked at the black bag resting in between his hands. He urged me to take it. I took it and opened it with hesitation. A gasp escaped when I saw the heart shaped necklace with a small diamond encrusted in the middle. The heart was silver, and it was the size of a dime. I admired it and Eddie gently held my hand.

"It's my mothers." I noticed the gentleness in his expression.

"Eddie, I can't take this."

"Sure, you can."

"But it's your mothers."

I placed it back in his hands and he shook his head, he wanted me to have it and there was nothing I could do to dissuade him from giving me such a beautiful necklace. I was unworthy of such a sentimental item.

"I want you to have it."

"Why are you giving me this to me if it means so much to you? I'm only a stranger to you. Why not give it to your girlfriend?"

"But you see, I want you to have it because you're more important than that girl over there who I shall soon be calling it quits with anyways. And plus, I know you'll take care of it with all your heart. She won't. You will." He looked at me seriously, "please, let's not talk about the she-devil any longer. So, just take it."

"I-" I sighed. "You don't even know me."

"I do actually," he gave me a lopsided grin. "You're the girl who didn't want to share that spot on the hill over Griffith Park with me. And you're the girl who I had so much fun arguing over it with. You're also the girl who I wanted to know every single detail about. And you're the girl who had somehow broken my heart when she disappeared unexpectedly. And-" he frowned in disapproval, "you're also the girl whose name I never found out."

I smiled with a feverish blush and stood up. He was no longer a head taller than me, but a few inches difference made me be eye-level with his mouth. His lips were still full and round as I remembered them. I imagined them on mine, and at that thought, I chastised myself and looked at his collar, distracting myself from his mouth.

"Loren Tate." He smiled brightly at me and took the necklace out of the box. He spun me around and coaxed me to lift my hair up to gently place the necklace around my neck. I felt his fingers linger on my neck for a second, gently caressing it. I couldn't suppress a smile and a shiver. I touched the small heart and I admired the beauty of it. At the back of it K.D. was elegantly engraved. Eddie turned me back around, there was a sincere smile was on his face, and he was hugging me.

His arms wrapped tentatively around me, pulling me tighter into him. I felt him suspire out of relief, like he was relieved I didn't pull away. His embrace become firmer, it felt like he was looking forward for this moment for quite a time. His embrace provided me warmth, and I felt so safe and warm it left me speechless and dumbfounded. I closed my eyes and gave in to his embrace. We stood there for some time and when he pulled away, his lips twitched upwards.

"Happy Valentine's, Loren Tate."

I didn't miss how he tenderly said my name, almost with a caress. I watched him smile brightly before he turned around and began to walk away.

Happy Valentine's? What's he on? That's until next week.

"Eddie, wait!"

But he was lost in the crowd. I sighed and I took a hold of his heart encrusted necklace. I didn't deserve such a precious thing. I'll give it back to him some other time. I smiled at the thought of seeing him again. Definitely.

"Loren," I snapped back into reality and into the direction of the food court and noticed Melissa rabidly waving at me. "Let's go! I'm hungry."

I walked towards her. She impatiently pointed at her stomach. I chuckled at her antics then I felt something vibrate on my left arm. I took the phone back out from the purse. I had a new message. I checked who it was, but it was an unknown number. I clicked it and I couldn't help but smile at the words and the sender.

Until next time, Loren Tate. I will definitely see you again. – Eddie Duran

I looked at the direction Eddie had headed off to. That was really slick, Eddie Duran. His phone wasn't dead, he wanted mine to get my phone number. My smile widened and I turned back to an impatient Melissa.

Maybe I am worth something.

Author's Note:

First released this chapter February 5, 2013.

Currently editing to find myself back in the story April 7, 2020.

I added extra details and more Loren monologue/observations I felt were missing and added more depth to the story. And of course, edited any incorrect grammar. It's such a gritty plot, I wonder what my 15 year-old self was going through to write this up. Anyways, present me is actually impressed at this. It could have been written way better but hey, for a 15 year old, it's not so bad.

Side note: I never really disclosed Eddie's age. He and Loren met when he was 19 years old (Loren just turned sixteen), and reunited when Loren turned 18, and he is 21 about to turn 22.

Thank you all for your love and support, R&R

xoxo julia-neHH