Jerry: Intoducing…. LOZ THE FANTASIC MAGICIAN OF SPAGHETTI!

*claps*

Me: Thank you, thank you. NOW SILENCE. I just decided to put this up here because I might as well put the next bit in a separate chapter. Eh.

Jerry: You are lazy.

Me: You only just realised? Pft. Also, since different Minecraftian cultures don't exist in my version of Minecraftia, I changed Japanese to Elven. Since we have Dwarves, we might as well have elves. And plus, Dwarves traditionally scorn elves (I can totally imagine a Dwarf impersonating an elf in a squeaky voice like Simon's), so it's perfect. Kind of. Eh.

ᚫᚾ᛫ᛁᛞᛁᚩᛏᛋ᛫ᚷᚢᛁᛞᛖ᛫ᛏᚩ᛫ᛋᚫᚢᛁᛝ᛫ᚦᛖ᛫ᚹᚩᚱᛚᛞ

(An Idiot's guide to Saving the World.)

ᚲᚻᚫᛈᛏᚫᚱ᛫ᚦᚱᛖᛖ

How not to respect sacred floating pig islands

Simon opened his eyes, blinking in the bright torchlight of the Yogcave. His large black eyes were more suited for dark places, and he made a note to build himself a separate, darker room to sleep in at some point- Lewis seemed to love torches and placed them wherever he could.

The Dwarf wriggled into a sitting position from where he'd been lying in the dirt, stretching his arms with a satisfying crack. The pair hadn't bothered crafting beds, even though there were plenty of sheep around, partly because it didn't feel right and making beds should be a milestone, and partly because Simon had no idea how to craft a bed.

The Yogcave was quite warm, Simon noted, either because of the multitude of torches in there or the two sleeping bodies. With a frown, he began making his way around the Yogcave and taking down all the unnecessary ones, hoping that Lewis wouldn't notice.

The Spaceman in question was currently curled up in his own patch of dirt, chest rising and falling slowly as his slept. Simon, having dimmed the cave to a bearable light, smiled mischievously as he took in his friend's vulnerability.

Quietly, though there was really no need to be quiet, the Dwarf crept over, took a deep breath, and yelled at the top of his voice;

"GET UP YA LAZY BASTARD!"

"AH!" Lewis shrieked, sitting up quickly, wide awake.

Simon was roaring with laughter, clutching his sides. Lewis angrily shoved him away and he simply rolled over and continued laughing. It was a while before he could register anything but Lewis's shocked expression, but finally he lapsed into giggles and realised that Lewis was standing above him now, staring down at him disapprovingly.

"Was that really necessary?" Lewis said, sighing and walking across the Yogcave to inspect a torch, "Also, is it darker in here?"

Simon supressed a snort; trust Lewis to notice the absence of too many torches. "No, you're just imagining it," he lied.

"Oh," Lewis said, shrugging and looking around again, "Do you know if it's morning? We don't have any windows, except for the door."

"Uh," Simon said, realising that he actually had no idea what time it was, and he actually might have woken them both up in the middle of the night, "Yeah, that's a problem, having no windows. I have no idea what the time is."

Lewis laughed and walked over to the door, swinging it open and peering outside. "Well, it looks like its morning."

"Does it?" Simon said, pushing past the Spaceman to look up at the sky. The Spaceman was right of course, but Simon felt it necessary to add; "It's definitely morning," as if the matter had needed confirmation.

"Okay. What are we doing today?" Lewis said, turning to close the door behind them.

"Well, we need glass and we need pork," Simon said, thinking about how hungry he was. He hadn't eaten since who-knows when. "We get pork from pigs, obviously. Have you seen any pigs?"

"No…" Lewis said, thoughtful. Simon was slightly disappointed, as Lewis seemed to notice every mob around.

"Well, we get sand from a beach," Simon suggested, thinking that they could see if any pigs were around as they searched for sand. He was really hungry.

"A beach. Should we find higher ground? Is that the idea, climb the mountain and see if we can see some sand?" Lewis said, beginning to jump up the mountain.

"Yeah…" Simon said, thinking that there had been some sand back down at the river- but he let Lewis go along with the mountain idea. It would be go to see where they stood in the world. Suddenly, he heard a sharp hiss from ahead. "Did you hear that?"

"What's that?" Lewis said warily, and Simon remembered that the Spaceman had never had a run in with this mob. "It's like a hiss…"

"I was a spider," Simon said, beginning to climb up the mountain again, Lewis following. "I can hear them up ahead."

Indeed, when they moved around a tree Simon spotted a spider up ahead, and pointed to it as he walked towards it, saying "Oh, there it is-"

At that moment, another spider dropped down off the tree right in from of him, and he jumped backwards in fright, yelling curses which dissolved into hysterical laughter.

Behind him, Lewis laughed too, until suddenly he yelled "Oh fuck, they're coming!"

Simon's laughter stoped and he looked to see the first spider rushing towards them with fury in its red eyes. "Fuck! Just run away! Run away!"

The Dwarf and the Spaceman went running down the mountainside, not looking back to see if the spiders were following. Simon headed straight down to the beach, not wanting to waste any more time on looking around. They still needed to find pigs!

"Come on, this way," he called to Lewis, "There should be sand… oh yeah, I can see It." he added as they approached the frozen river. Indeed, a lot of the shore around the beach was comprised of sand, and Simon wasted no time in getting out his stone shovel and beginning to dig through the sand. The tune to his favourite digging song played in his head.

"How much sand do we need?" Lewis called, obviously digging too.

"Uh, not that much, actually," Simon said, but kept digging anyway, "But I'm getting a lot here, I brought my shovel…"

"Ah, so did I," Lewis replied.

Eventually Lewis appeared above his hole, his shovel having broken, and Simon jumped out of his excavation to continue the mission. "Right, the next thing we need to find is pigs. So keep an eye out for pigu that you see," he looked over at Lewis and added, "Pigu is Elven for pig."

"Ah," Lewis said, chuckling.

They walked for a while around the snowy biome, but there were no sign of pigs. They did, however, come across some pumpkins and a chunk error. As Simon had eagerly dug up the orange vegetables, Lewis curiously looked down at the chunk error. Simon was in the middle of explaining about using pumpkins as a light source when he realised that Lewis wasn't listening.

"Are you alright?" Simon said, walking over to Lewis, who was staring down at the chunk error expressionlessly. When Simon touched the Spaceman's arm, Lewis jumped and looked wildly at him. "Lewis?

"Ah, sorry. Nevermind." The Spaceman said hurriedly.

Simon shrugged, deciding that it was probably just some memory of Space and it wasn't his business.

The pair walked back towards the Yogcave, discussing various culinary delights and checking out a few dead-end caves on the way. When they reached their home, they turned and walked along the side of a mountain, always keeping an eye out for pigs.

Predictably, Simon spotted the pigs first. "Pigs!" he yelled, skipping down the hill towards the pink creatures, "there's pigs!" he made an 'ahhhhh!' sound to express his delight, and his hunger, because man was he hungry.

"They've got their own floating base, or something," Lewis said, looking up at the floating island the pigs were running around.

"They're on a floating island," Simon said, laughing at the pigs. He ran over to a ledge on which a pig was precariously balanced, just out of reach. "Come down here!" he yelled at it, "you're a pig! What're you doing up there?"

He heard Lewis laugh behind him as he told the pig to be reasonable, and then began digging the dirt out from underneath it.

"Are you gonna-" Lewis said as the pig dropped onto the ground in front of Simon, who began beating it with his wooden sword. After a moment the pig fell over and vanished, leaving a pork chop behind. "It dropped something small and pink. It looked like a kidney or something," Lewis observed with mild disgust.

"That's my dinner," Simon told Lewis with a giggle, "That's my dinner you're talking about!" not that anything anyone said would stop him from eating it. He was seriously, seriously hungry.

As he tried to find a way up, the Dwarf exclaimed frustrated "How do we get up to the bastards?"

"Of Pig Island." Lewis added.

"Pig Island," Simon repeated, sniggering, "the magical floating island of pigs."

Simon finally made his way to the top of the hill and looked over at the pig sitting on the island. It seemed to be watching him patiently with an air that said; did you want something, insolent Dwarf? If Simon could, he would've told the pig exactly what he wanted- a chunk out of its leg.

"Oh notch,"He said to Lewis, though the Spaceman seemed to be over the other side of the hill so would only have heard him telepathically, "I'm going to have to build a bridge over there. There we go."

He made the bridge and jumped across. The pig got to its feet and fearlessly stared at him, as though it knew what was coming and didn't care. It was rather touching.

Simon shrugged and then beat it to death with his wooden sword, holding its porkchop with glee. He couldn't wait to eat it. He saw Lewis come over the ridge of the hill, and in a moment of stupidity he took a step back and tumbled right over the edge of the island.

"Waaah…" he cried feebly, and then landed on the top of a tree with a bump.

"Are you okay, friend?" Lewis asked, looking down at him from the hill.

"I may have torn some vital muscle that's keeping me alive," Simon replied, sorely getting to his feet.

"Oh, okay then," Lewis replied, disappearing over the hill again. Simon gave a grump of annoyance at being dismissed so casually, and climbed his way off the tree.

He walked around the hill in the hope of spotting more pigs, but the only found a bit of coal. Before he could think about it, he found himself eagerly mining it out.

Telepathically, he heard Lewis say; Ah. Pig Island.

What a beautiful and magical place it was. Simon added, picking up all the coal he had mined and walking back out.

Lewis was jumping down the hill, smiling. When he spotted Simon, he asked; "What now? Do we bring our spoils back home and cook them?"

"That's exactly what we do."

ᚫᚾ᛫ᛁᛞᛁᚩᛏᛋ᛫ᚷᚢᛁᛞᛖ᛫ᛏᚩ᛫ᛋᚫᚢᛁᛝ᛫ᚦᛖ᛫ᚹᚩᚱᛚᛞ

Simon the Dwarf and Lewis the Spaceman sat comfortably in their Yogcave, eating their hard-earned pork with relish.

"Ah," said Simon as he took in a deep breath of warm air, "take in that air." The Yogcave was heavy with the smell of cooked pig.

"It's really how you want it to smell," Lewis agreed as Simon took a bite of his pork.

They finished their meals at about the same time, Simon giving an amazing belch of appreciation, and Lewis wandering to finish mining some coal he'd left half-done. Simon, while the Spaceman was gone, decided to attempt to make a jack-o-lantern.

Was it coal and a pumpkin? Or a stick too? Or… yes! A torch under a pumpkin. He turned away from the crafting table and placed the lantern on the ground.

The lantern flared, lighting a fearsome face carved into its side.

"Ah!" Simon said, appalled, "It's horrible!"

Lewis, hearing the Dwarf's exclamation, came around the corner to look.

"Ooh!" the Spaceman chirruped with delight, "that's lovely," he said as he sidled closer to the light.

Simon snorted, personally thinking that the lantern was really rather disturbing, but not wanting to upset his friend. "You craft it with a torch under a pumpkin," He told the Spaceman.

Lewis immediately crafted another one and placed it on top of the first.

Simon, shaking his head, turned to look at the rest of the cave. It was brighter, now, with the lanterns adding to the light. "It's very homely," he observed as he looked at the stone and dirt walls.

"I dunno," Lewis replied from behind him, "There's still snow on the floor here."

Simon turned to the Spaceman, frowning. "You're very picky, aren't you?"

Lewis laughed, and began digging up the snow. Simon shook his head despairingly, then realised something.

"Actually, I have quite a lot of wood in my inventory." Simon said, "So we could cover the floor with wood."

"Now you're talking."

"There we are, look, I've made 15 glass." Lewis said.

Simon already had his own glass, and was amused when the Spaceman threw all his glass from his hand at Simon while making a 'bleeaargh' sound. Simon smiled and made his glass fly out of his own mouth and made the 'bleaaargh' sound back. For a few moments they continued this until Lewis gave up and ended up with all the glass.

"Okay," the Spaceman said, laughing.

"Do you like the entrances I've done?" Simon asked. The floor had already been converted to wood, and Simon had put in four large windows, two at each end of the cave.

"Yeah man. They're awesome." Lewis replied honestly.

Simon grinned at the Spaceman, who turned and investigated a few dark spots in the cave. Simon walked off, and rummaged through a few chests he'd made. Now the floor was finished and they had windows, the whole place had taken on a kind of cottage feel, the dirt and stone fading into the background.

Lewis came walking back over, and Simon turned to talk to him.

"Look I made an axe," he said, and proceeded to whack Lewis with it, almost decapitating him.

"Ow!" Lewis exclaimed, jumping backwards, "that hurt!"

Simon, horrified by his own clumsiness, dropped the axe and ran over to his friend. "Shit, sorry," he said, trying to look at Lewis's shoulder. He saw the trickle of blood and the ripped fabric and winced.

"It's okay, it's not deep," Lewis assured him, backing away from the dismayed Dwarf and applying pressure to the wound. "You bastard," he added playfully, opening the door and walking out into the snow.

"Sorry," Simon repeated as he followed the Spaceman outside. To his surprise, he spotted a pig just under a tree nearby, probably on a pilgrimage to pig island.

"I'll kill this pig for you," Simon said to Lewis, bounding up the slope and beating the pig to death.

"Aw, I love you." Lewis said appreciatively.

~ᚫᚾ᛫ᛁᛞᛁᚩᛏᛋ᛫ᚷᚢᛁᛞᛖ᛫ᛏᚩ᛫ᛋᚫᚢᛁᛝ᛫ᚦᛖ᛫ᚹᚩᚱᛚᛞ~

"I want to build a tower here, Simon," Lewis said. Simon was walking up the slope of the hill as the Space man spoke, and looked up at him with interest. Lewis was gesturing wildly at the roof of the Yogcave and the hills around it and eventually he sky, "An enormous tower towering out of this icy mountain," he elaborated.

"You got a lot of ambition," Simon said, "but can you back that up?" of course he could, simony reminded himself, Lewis was almost as stubborn as he was.

"It should be stone, I think…" Lewis said, walking down closer to the roof, "There's a creeper on the roof, Simon."

"Oh notch," Simon said, coming over to look.

"What is it?"

"I don't know. I don't think it knows. That's why it's so angry, because it's having some sort of identity crisis… or at least, that's my theory."

"Hm," Lewis said as they walked back down the hill to the Yogcave, "Well, we've got a lot to do."

"Lewis, why is there a giant mushroom outside our front door?"

Well, there's your fix of An Idiot's Guide for the moment. I was going to expand it a bit, but meh. Apologies for all the scrambling of the episodes and timing and so-such. CREATIVE LICENCE. Eh. Anyway, because I'm too lazy to give full replies to the reviews, as amazingly beautiful as they are, I'll just say; Yes, the cake was a lie. Yes, that does make the Yogscast the Crapcast and we will hear more of this later. Yes, the Lewis' wonderful relationship with torches is amazing will be continued through the entire fic. And lastly, thank goodness you're all enjoying this, because I thought it was a bit bland. IT GETS INTERESTING NEXT CHAPTER. PROMISE.

Speaking of which, you guys understand that this is AU, and will veer a lot from the original path taken by the Yogscast, right? But if you want me to continue re-writing the cannon instead, just say so.

Eh.