I can only speak for those that do not know me,
I can only write the words that would not show me,
I will never quite explain what I've been doin'.

I am you and you are me but we are nothing,
My heart broke and rose to go but I'm not goin',
'Cause I loved you long before the day I told ya.

"Safety Rope" by Mick Flannery

"Hello?"
She heard him clear his throat. She imagined him wiping his eyes. Checking his watch.
"Hello?"
"Leo's dead"
Her voice did not sound like her own. It was a strange. It sounded far away to her. She was matter of fact. Numb.
"Nikki?...Nikki?!"
Shock. Concern. Anguish. Stomach sickening dread.
"Nikki what's happened? Where are you?"
"Kabul. It was a suicide bomber. Leo saved everyone. He knew what Dan was going to do"
"Kabul? Kabul? Afghanistan? Nikki, Nikki you are not telling me you are in Af-fucking-ganistan".
"I'm just about to board a Cessna with Leo's body".
She recognised the plane as she walked across the baking taramac and was transported back to a mild spring day in England. The smell of fresh green grass in her nose. The musky scent of Harry's aftershave. Engine oil and happiness.
How had this become her life.
"Jesus Christ Nikki what on earth were you doing there?!, are you alright?"
She recounted the story. Almost clinically. Like a post mortem report.
Harry was breathing heavily on the receiver. She heard him sobbing.
"I'm so sorry Nikki, I'm so sorry. I'm going to go straight to the airport. I'll get the first flight I can back to London. Jesus I can't believe this. I just can't believe it. Are you sure you're okay? Know that I'll be thinking of you every second until I see you".
Nikki was unable to respond for several long moments. Harry thought the call had dropped.
"Ok" he heard her whisper eventually.
"Shit, I thought we lost the connection" he said hurriedly.
Silence.
The silence was deafening. His ears ached. Guilt and horror bit at his insides.
"I'll see you soon Nikki I promise...take care".
Harry dropped the phone and fell to his knees. Sirens wailed obnoxiously outside. A yellow cab driver rested his elbow on a car horn.
Harry Cunningham vomited on his new shag pile carpet.
How had this become his life.