"Except perhaps that it was a little cold. A little wet. But very quiet. The Air.

But what was there to say?"

—Arundhati Roy, The God Of Small Things

-.-.-.-.-.-.-.-

Natsuki touches the edges of the cave, moss wet against his fingertips.

He'd went there to dream. Visiting Enoshima like this, seeing Yuki be in love like this, it'd been reality crashing down on him, piece by piece, a glass tower hitting the ground.

He tries to be reasonable. Of course Yuki wouldn't have ever fallen for him, Erika is good for him, if he can have her than he should be happy—

—he shouts, screams at the wall. He should be happy. Should be, but instead there's bitterness, sinking deep into him, spreading through him like dirt in the water. Tears don't fall from his eyes, they burn instead, and he throws every curse and every feeling out of his mouth as they echo across the walls, bouncing until the sound of the sea swallows them up at the entrance. I wanted you, I needed you, I thought of you, I wished for you.

He's supposed to be mature. He lives alone in America. He manages on his own. His family trusts him to do the right thing, he trusts himself to do the right thing, but the right thing now, what is it? What's right when he feels like he's been crushed by his own dream? All he wanted, he reminds himself, was for Yuki to be happy—

-with you, with you, that's what you wanted, you wanted him to be happy with you. He stumbles to the cave entrance with a rock in his throat, a loaded gun in his eyes, waiting for the sound to let the teardrops, gunshots, go.

Later that day, Yuki asks Natsuki quietly, leaning on his shoulder, if it's okay for him to like Erika. If Natsuki gives his blessing, as if Natsuki was the only barrier. The most important person to ask.

Natsuki smiles bitterly and looks towards the sea, away from Yuki, fingers hooking into the sand. He remembers the cave. He remembers the screams. His throat still feels too raw to tell Yuki it's okay, so instead— instead he kisses him.

When Yuki stumbles back and away, stares at him in fright, uncertainty, rising up and running, Natsuki just smiles again at the sea, and the gun goes off, his tears fall down, and the everything falls quiet.

I went through the tsuritama tag on tumblr and came out with this

I'm sorry I'm completely unable to write these characters anymore