Oh, well imagine,

As I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor

And I can't help but to hear,

No I can't help bu tto hear an exchanging of words.

xxxx

It's been six months since they got engaged. Six months of empty cigarette packs and bottles for me. Six months of meaningless sex and forgotten names. Six months of searching for what I've lost. Six months of dying. The wedding is next week. I got an invitation, but Ill be damned if I see her again.

André knows, I had to tell someone. He was disgusted, not just with me, but with Jade too. He kept quiet about it though, since I told him we've stopped. He comes by every few days to make sure I'm still alive. If you can call this living. He wants me to quit it and get my act together, stop drinking, stop smoking, stop sleeping around, but these things are strings that keep me from falling apart entirely. Sometimes I feel like it might be easiest to grab a pair of scissors and sever those strings.

I make a living off gigs, being hired for events and such, birthdays, and weddings mostly. I suppose it's as close to my real dream as I'm ever going to get, and it just about supports my lifestyle. I've made sure to book myself out for next weekend so I have an excuse not to see her get married. It's awful, I know, and I wish I could go to see Beck and support him on his day, because after everything, I really can't blame him for taking what was never mine in the first place. But I know it'll just hurt too much.

Cat came over earlier, to see if I was sure I couldn't go. I was happy for her, Jade had chosen her to be the Maid-of-Honour and as such, Cat had taken it upon herself to make sure everyone came. I told her I was sorry, I couldn't go, and she seemed to accept it, but as she was leaving she turned around to me."I know and Jade were never the best of friends, but surely you could forget whatever happened between you two, just for the most important day of her life."

And only when the door had closed and she was long gone did I break down crying. Forgetting is easier said than done Kitty, believe me, I've been trying for almost five years.

Xxxx

"What a beautiful wedding,

What a beautiful wedding!", says a bridesmaid to a waiter

"And yes, but what a shame, what a shame

The poor groom's bride is a whore"

xxxx

I decided to go. I'm not sure why, and I'm not sure if I regret it or not. I probably shouldn't have, and I defiantly shouldn't have arrived a day early, because the second she got me on my own, the little resolve I had mustered crumbled, as she cupped my naked self in her tricky hands.

And afterwards, after the pleasure, after the temporary filling-in of the hole in my chest, there was nothing but guilt left as we lay next to each other, her breasts against my back. I couldn't tell what she was feeling. Remorse perhaps, regret? I didn't let myself think for even a second she was satisfied with what she had done, and on the night before her wedding no less.

"I really shouldn't have come."

"No," she mumbled, "you really shouldn't have."

And so I left. I didn't show up for the ceremony, or the reception. I just did what I always try to do. Just get out of her life. I've been gone for ten years now,but I still remember that last night as though it were moments ago.

"Goodbye Jade."

"No, stay."

But I can't stay.

My heart cannot be broken into even smaller pieces, least it not continue to function. Least I not continue to function.

Xxxx

It's much better to face these kind of things,

With a sense of poise and rationality.

I'm sorry it's not all that long, but I didn't want to keep writing the same thing over and over (they have sex, they say they'll stop, they don't stop). On that note, the next chapter will be the fourth and final chapter, and take a different turn. It will probably be quite long, another reason for the shortness of this chapter, and it will be completed in the next week or two.

The song for this chapter was: I Write Sins, Not Tragedies, by Panic! At The Disco. You don't have to listen to it to understand the chapter, in fact it was mostly the video that drove this chapter more than the song itself.

Have a good one!