Title: The Dinner from Hell

Author: Perky

Raiting: T

Genre: Drama, Humor

Main Characters: Billy Kaplan, Teddy Altman, The Kaplans, Rebecca Kaplan, Jeff Kaplan, Erik Lensher, Pietro Maximoff, Wanda Maximoff, Tommy Shepherd

Ships: Billy Kaplan/Teddy Altman

Summary: Teddy decides it is a good idea to invite both sides of Billy's family over for dinner on the same night. Next time he'll check with Billy first.

Disclaimer: I do not, in any way, profit from the story and that all creative rights to the characters belong to their original creator or current owner.

Author's Notes: This is just a fun little fic I had an idea for a while ago. It was not intended to be serious, but the ending came about and it became a little serious. But still fun. It is a future fic taking place sometime after Billy and Teddy are out living on their own. Might be AU of Young Avengers Volume 2, because spoilers. Subtle hints of Tommy/Noh-Var and super-duper subtle hints of Erik Lehnsherr/Charles Xavier. (They are so subtle that they aren't worth tagging.) Special thanks to annafh for betaing!

This was a disaster. A complete and utter disaster. On a scale from 1 to 10, with one being nuclear armageddon and 10 being the end of the universe as we know it, this was about a 15.

"How could you, Teddy? Are you trying to drive me insane?"

"It's not that big of a deal, Billy. Calm down."

Billy started breathing heavily. "Calm down?" Billy asked. He couldn't cover the squeak in his voice at that.

"It was bound to happen eventually. And it kind of already did."

"Once. They met once. And that was just Scarlet Witch. This is like a family reunion. From hell."

"It's just dinner, Billy."

"Dinner with both sides of my insane family. At the same time."

"It will be great, Billy."

"Magneto will probably kill my brothers."

Teddy raised an eyebrow at that. "Is that necessarily a bad thing?"

Billy couldn't help but let out a little laugh. "I guess not. But still. All those people. Maybe we should have it catered?"

Teddy rolled his eyes. "We'll be fine. We're not going to get it catered."

"We should have gotten this catered," Teddy said the next day.

"I hate to say I told you so..."

"No you don't. You love to say it."

Billy grinned. "Yeah, I kind of do. How much longer on the beans?"

Several hours later, things were coming together. The food was mostly cooked. Nothing was ruined. All that was left was to survive the evening.

Teddy had been working hard working in the kitchen while Billy worked to make their apartment clean and could pass parental inspection. It was a really nice place and a great deal. It was in Kingsbridge which was in the Bronx. It was still close enough to assemble with the Avengers quickly, but cheap enough to live in. (Especially with Tony Stark picking up their college costs.) It was also near enough to Chelsea, that his parents weren't constantly worried. Now they were only worried most of the time.

The apartment was spotless for the big event. Teddy kept saying the evening would go fine.

Billy, on the other hand, was sure he was going to die.

His parents and little brothers arrived first. This was a good thing. Billy might not have told his parents that the other side of his family was coming. He greeted his parents with hugs, while his brothers did their best to avoid them.

Rebecca and Jeff were happy to have so much contact with their eldest son and his partner. They already considered Teddy a son, due to circumstances following his mother's death.

His brothers, of course, went directly to the living room and turned on the TV. They didn't really seem to want to be there. Annoying, sulky and angsty teenagers. I was never that bad, Billy thought with absolutely no irony.

Billy didn't think his biological family would mind the change of plans. His mom, the psychologist, would probably want to observe his interactions with the other side of his family to make sure they were healthy with no super-villainous tendencies. Or whatever psychologists look for in dysfunctional family relationships involving superheroes.

"There was a last minute change of plans, guys," Billy said to his mom and dad. They both looked at him, interested but not worried. He could have sold Teddy out here, saying it was all his fault, but didn't, because he was a good boyfriend. "We invited the other side of my family to this family night too. I hope you don't mind."

"No dear, its fi-" His mother was interrupted by a voice from the living room.

"Wait," A voice said from the living room, over the TV. His brother Michael, now standing in the doorway. "You're saying that the Scarlet Witch is coming to dinner? The Avenger?"

"No, the other Scarlet Witch. She's a circus performer in Syracuse," Billy said with a roll of his eyes. "How many families do you think I have? And you do realize Teddy and I are Avengers too, right?"

Michael made a face at Billy. Maturely, Billy made one right back. Jacob, Billy's other younger brother, laughed. "That is kind of cool. My friends at school will never believe this."

"Magneto and Quicksilver will be here too. And Tommy," Teddy said as he walked in from the kitchen to greet the Kaplans. He gave both Jeff and Rebecca hugs and rumpled the twins' hair, much to their chagrin.

"Wait, isn't Magneto a supervillain?" Michael asked.

"Ohana means family, and family means no one isn't invited to dinner," Billy said with a straight face.

"But what if he kills us? Doesn't he hate non-mutants or something?" Michael asked.

Billy felt kind of bad that his brother seemed to have such an attitude. They used to be pretty close. He was sorry they weren't anymore. But that didn't mean he couldn't still have fun at his brother's expense. "Oh yeah. He's totally anti-non-mutant. But on the bright side, I might have one or two fewer brothers soon. So yay!"

Michael did not look amused. Jacob on the other hand, could tell that Billy was joking and smiled.

"I'm sure Billy and Teddy wouldn't let anything happen to either of you," Rebecca said.

"That's true. Even though you might deserve it," Billy said with a smirk. Teddy elbowed him in the side of the chest.

"Why don't you two go watch some TV until they get here," Teddy said. "And don't worry, Magneto is a good guy."

"This week," Billy said under his breath, causing Teddy to snort.

Rebecca spoke up. "I am glad you're handling this in a healthy way. A few years ago you would have been quite anxious and about ready to hide somewhere."

"I wasn't that bad."

"Remember your bar mitzvah?"

"Mom. You promised you'd never bring that up again."

"You asked me not to bring it up again," Rebecca said.

"Mom," Billy said.

Teddy was confused. "You've never told me anything about your bar mitzvah."

"And I never will," Billy said and Teddy looked at him with his best puppy dog face.

"I'm going to go check on the food," Billy said, not running towards the kitchen. Totally not running.

He did check on the food, but after a few minutes, he heard rancorous laughter from the other room. His mom better not have told that bar mitzvah story...

Where was Tommy? That was all that Billy could think. He'd asked his twin to come over early to help make sure everything would run smoothly. And of course the speedster was late.

You think someone who could run markedly faster than the speed of sound would be on time, at least occasionally. But no. Of course not.

Not to mention the fact that Tommy was over three or four times a week, eating or just hanging out.

Billy's internal monolog was interrupted by the sound of breaking china. He rolled his eyes and grabbed some paper towels.

"Is everybody alright... Oh, hi."

Apparently the Scarlet Witch had teleported in with Magneto and Quicksilver, which caused his mom to drop her glass. Billy didn't blame her, really. His mom took the paper towels and started to clean up while Wanda was apologizing.

"It's fine Wanda. Please don't worry about it. I'm just a little jumpy," His mom was saying.

Billy walked over to Wanda and gave her a hug. Thankfully, this side of the family was all in street clothes. It might have been awkward if they were in their costumes.

Billy never knew if he should hug Magneto and Quicksilver. He'd only met them a few times, but they were family. Kind of. He settled for a handshake and before long everyone was introduced. (His parents had never met Quicksilver or Magneto before.)

There was an awkward moment of silence where no one really knew what to say.

"I'm glad you could all make it," Teddy said. "It should be an interesting night."

Teddy always saved the day. Gotta love Teddy. Everyone smiled and there was a little small talk now. Billy's brothers seemed kind of shell shocked that they were in the same room as two avengers and an X-Man. Or was not on the X-Men anymore? Magneto changed sides so much, that it was hard for him to keep track.

Billy wandered over to the twins, who were talking to Magneto. Michael looked freaked out but Jacob seemed perfectly at ease with the ex-criminal.

"What should we call you, sir?" Jacob.

"Magneto is fine, child."

"Is that your real name?" Michael asked, disbelievingly.

"It is my true name. If either of you are mutants, you will understand someday."

"I'm not a mutant," Michael said. He sounded adamant. Then he walked away. What an ass. Billy really needed to talk to his brother sometime. That kind of discrimination wasn't good; Billy wondered where he got it from.

Jacob watched him go and said, "I think being a mutant could be cool. I've always thought your power was pretty neat, Magneto. You're a mutant right, Billy?" He smiled and then followed his brother.

"I am. I've never been too sure which powers were related to my X-gene and which were my magic."

"Regardless, your brother is a very powerful young man. I'm glad to be related to him. And I would be happy if you were a mutant, as well," Magneto said to Jacob.

Billy wasn't too sure how he felt getting that kind of praise from Magneto. But it could be worse. "Just be happy with who you are, bro."

Jacob smiled at him again and wandered off to follow his brother.

Magneto looked at Billy, "This is a very interesting family we have here, isn't it?"

Billy was about to agree with him when Pietro walked over and said, "And who knew you were not the strangest part, father. No offense, Billy, but perhaps you could ask Rebecca to cease her psychoanalyzing. It is rather disconcerting. And I do not believe I have quite that many daddy issues."

"If I could have gotten her to stop, I would have a long time ago Uncle Pietro. Imagine going through your teenage years with a constant litany of, 'How does that make you feel?'"

Billy was quite satisfied with the look of abject horror on his uncle's face. Billy excused himself and headed to the kitchen. Teddy was there once again working hard on the meal.

"Things seem to be going well out there, don't they?"

"Well, besides my mom psychoanalyzing Quicksilver. Michael sounding disgusted talking about mutants with Magneto. And probably a few other things going on that I didn't hear. It seems to be going peachy."

Teddy pulled Billy into a hug and gave him a quick peck on the lips. "Don't worry. Everyone is on their best behavior. I doubt anyone will end up dead. Tonight anyways."

"Except maybe Tommy. Where the hell is he?"

"No idea. I texted him but he didn't answer. He wouldn't miss the food. Probably."

A few minutes later Billy left the kitchen and said, "You guys can all come to the dining room, everything should be ready."

With that, Billy went back to the kitchen to help Teddy.

Teddy was organizing the food, and the sheer quantity of it was rather impressive. Two speedsters could eat a lot. Billy thought they only needed two hams, but Teddy had said they should go with three, just in case.

"I'll bring this out there." Teddy smiled at him and Billy reached out for his magic and all the plates and platters began to float behind him. His control had improved a lot in the last few years and levitating the dishes behind him was child's play. By the time he arrived in the dining room there was a trail of plates following behind him. Billy instructed them to slowly land on the table.

"Very graceful Billy," Scarlet Witch said to him. He beamed.

Michael snorted and said, "Show off." One of the last plates still in the air, filled with applesauce, happened to be floating over Michael's head when it wobbled a little and splashed some applesauce into his hair.

"Oops! I'm sorry, Michael!" Billy said, sweetly. "I'm still working on control."

"Fucking faggot," Michael said as he stood up and left the room, presumably to wash up.

Rebecca let out an audible breath through her nose and stood, following after her son. "Michael Benjamin Kaplan, we are going to have a little talk about this attitude of yours."

Sometime during the commotion, Tommy arrived looking more disheveled than usual. Did he have bedhead? At dinner time? What had he been doing? Or maybe the better question was who? "I see the little asshole hasn't changed much since I saw him last."

That broke the tension and Jacob and Billy laughed a bit as Tommy came over and gave him what Tommy called a 'bro-hug.' "Good to see you Mr. K, Gramps, Unc, ma. Brat." He directed that last one to Jacob who stuck his tongue out. "You guys sure this is enough food?" He said, looking at the three hams, two casseroles and dozens of sides.

"I hope so. We've never had to feed two speedsters before. We had to magic the oven because all of this stuff wouldn't fit."

After a few minutes, Teddy had left the kitchen and Michael and his mom had returned to the table. Michael was looking rather glum, but was staying, mercifully quiet.

The conversation was varied and not as stiff as it had been.

Billy's dad was talking about some of his cardiology work. "-And once he had a pacemaker, he was fine. It's amazing what modern medicine is capable of!"

Magneto was nodding along with him. "Indeed. I have some experience with pacemakers, myself."

"Oh?"

"Yes, it is a wondrous piece of metal, right there in the chest..." Wanda coughed and interrupted his train of thought. "Ah yes, but medical science is wonderful."

There's a bit of an awkward silence after that while people enjoyed the meal. Billy supposed it was a good thing that they got as much food as they did, because somehow Pietro and Tommy had gotten into a contest to see who could eat the most. They were well on to their fifth plates by the time everyone else cleared one.

"I'd almost forgotten how much a speedster could eat," Magneto said. "If we had two of them back in my Brotherhood of Mutants days, we'd have been bankrupted very quickly, and would probably have had to resort to robbing five supermarkets a week."

Billy couldn't help himself and said, "So you were okay just robbing one or two a week back in the day?"

There was a momentary pause and then Magento began to laugh. "We never had to resort to robbing a supermarket. Well, there was the one time we broke into one. But the Charles had led me to believe that... Ahem. That's not really a story for the dinner table."

Magneto was very odd. Billy always was a bit intimidated by him. He was a mass-murdering psychopath every now and again. But he was his kind-of-grandfather. And he did dote on both Tommy and Billy.

Billy was spared trying to change the subject when Teddy said, "So, Mrs. Kaplan, how's the practice going?" Billy once again was thankful for Teddy. He seemed to know this social stuff way better than Billy. Maybe it was an alien prince thing?

Regardless, it got the conversation into the safe world of small talk. And for a while, Billy was content to listen to the stories of his mom's crazy clients. It wasn't really breaking confidentiality, because she didn't use names. And Billy had been hearing stories about his mom's patients for as long as he could remember.

After a while, Wanda asked Rebecca, "What was Billy like as a child?"

Billy started getting tense here. He really wanted everyone to hear stories of his childhood.

Rebecca smiled. "He was a good boy, mostly. I never saw any warning signs that he'd grow up to be a sociopath or serial killer. He did have a nasty case of separation anxiety, though."

"Aww, poor Billy didn't want mommy and daddy to leave?" Tommy said between mouthfuls and snickers.

Billy felt his face turn red all the way to his ears. He sank down into his seat, slightly. How would he be able to look Magneto in the eye next time they fought. Assuming Magneto would switch sides again. (And judging from history, it was a safe bet.)

"Oh, he wasn't that bad Tommy. He would just cry a bit when we left him with the sitter," Billy's father said, helpfully.

The adults could probably tell he was not enjoying this topic, so they stopped talking about it.

There was a lull; Billy decided to poke his twin brother a bit. "Didn't you tell me you might have met someone you were interested in?" This was a lie, Tommy had told him nothing, but judging by his twin's appearance, Billy was sure something was going on. Revenge was sweet.

"What? No. Not at all." Tommy said with a mouth full. He hadn't really stopped eating, and was chewing fast.

Tommy was too defensive and answered too quickly to be telling the truth. It didn't take a psychologist to realize that that. But thankfully there was one in the room to call him on it. "You answered awfully quickly there, Tommy."

Michael thought this would be a good time to talk again and said, "Let me guess, you're a faggot too."

Tommy, not being one for taking things sitting down, stood up. He moved as if to get over to Michael. "So what if I am you little shit?"

Billy stood up as well, and put his hand on Tommy's shoulder. Tommy looked at him and nodded, sitting back done. "Excuse us for a moment," Billy said and gathered his magic to teleport away, with Michael.

Billy imagined there might be a bit of chaos in the house where he left them. But Wanda would settle them down. He hoped.

Michael landed on his butt, as there was no longer a chair for him to be sitting in. "Ow, where the fuck are we?"

Billy watched as Michael looked around. They were in a jungle. It was dank and humid, and there was what looked like a chain of smoking volcano nearby.

"Somewhere no one will ever find your body," Billy said. Michael's eyes widened. "That was obviously a joke. But on a serious note, what the hell is wrong with you lately?"

"Nothing."

"It's not nothing when you insult me and our family like that, Mikey."

"Don't call me that. I'm fine. Nothing's the matter. I just want to go home."

"Well too bad. You're not going home until we talk. We used to be tight. What's going on?"

"It's all your fault," Michael said.

"Huh?"

"You. You're the problem."

Billy prided himself at being good at many things. He could alter reality in a way most people couldn't even dream of. He could geek out with the best of them. And he wasn't a bad writer. But he'd never been the best at dealing with emotions.

Michael continued, "You're never around anymore."

Ah, Billy thought. That explained that. Billy and Teddy had moved out about six months ago. He hadn't been going back to visit his family very often. He'd been busy. Working with the Avengers and finishing up his degree took a lot of time. Michael had been a bit off ever since then. How to handle this? Billy thought. What would his mom do?

His mom would use some tricky psychobabble to make his brother feel better. Yeah, Billy couldn't do that. Seat of the pants it is, Billy thought.

"Things change, Mikey. I don't love you any less than I did. And I am only on the other side of the city. It barely takes forty minutes to get to my place. Have I ever said you couldn't come over?"

"No, but you're always busy. And you have Tommy," Michael said with a pout.

"Even though Tommy is my brother too, it doesn't mean I care for you any less. And honestly, spending time with you is more fun. Tommy can be a little impatient-not that I blame him. But you and I have similar interests, whereas Tommy's interests are mostly sex and superheroing. He also makes fun of me for liking comic books, and I know you'd never do that. Even if you won't admit that Robin is way cooler than Superboy."

"He is not!" Michael said with a small smile.

"And look, you can always call me or text me. I can't always answer right away, you know with the whole world saving thing. But I will always get back to you and I will try to spend more time with you and Jacob. What's the point of being able to teleport if I don't abuse it for you every now and again?"

Michael smiled a little more now. Billy continued, "But just because you are mad at me, doesn't mean you should take it out on other people. Mom would say its displacement or something. Personally, I think it just makes you an ass."

Now, Michael seemed in better spirits. He even laughed a little at Billy. "I miss you, Billy."

Billy walked over to hug him. Michael hugged back. Billy said, "I know. I miss you too. And I'll make sure we have more time to hang out in the future. I guess I was being self-absorbed a bit."

"What else is new?"

"Shut up, you. We're still in the middle of nowhere, and I am your only ticket home."

"Mom would kill you if you left me. And I'm sure the Scarlet Witch would come to save me."

"I dunno, she does owe me a favor. But she would probably be too late."

"What do you mean?" Michael asked. Billy pointed over Michael's shoulder and he saw a giant form moving towards them. "Is that a T-Rex?"

"Yep, we should probably head home. What was the spell again? Hmm..."

"Billy! It's getting closer!" Michael jumped over to him and clung to him as Billy teleported them home. The dinosaur was still a good 20 feet away when he teleported.

They arrived back in the dining room, and everyone stopped talking. "Welcome back," Teddy said.

Billy smiled at him as Wanda said, "There was a lot of power in that spell. Where did you end up?"

Billy's smile widened. "Somewhere I wouldn't feel too bad about leaving him. He'd enjoy the dinosaurs, I think."

"There was a giant T-Rex. It was fucking crazy. I think we were almost eaten. "

"Language. Did you go to the past?" Rebecca asked, sounding worried.

"No there's a place where dinosaurs still live today. It's down in Antarctica."

"You took him to the savage land?" Petro asked, amused. He seemed to have given up on eating. Tommy was still going strong.

"As I told Mikey, I wanted it to be somewhere they wouldn't find his body."

Michael shoved him lightly. "You wouldn't have left me."

Billy heard Jacob mumble, "You should have."

"Probably not. The Avengers tend to frown on fratricide. No matter how deserving one may be," Billy said. "Now, do you have something to say?"

Michael looked down, "I'm sorry, Tommy. I shouldn't have said that."

Tommy grunted between bites and said, "Whatever."

"You know," Wanda said as Billy and Michael sat back down. "You never did tell us about this mystery girl."

Tommy paused and looked up. "Who said it was a girl?"

Billy looked over to Teddy and Teddy shrugged. "Welcome to our team," Billy said with a smirk.

"Hmmm," Tommy stopped eating and looked like he was pondering something. He looked over to Billy. "Is it really gay if he's an alien?" Tommy seemed serious.

"Um." Billy said. "I think so? If not, then wouldn't that make me straight?"

Tommy laughed. "I guess I am gay then, because there's no universe where you're straight."

"That went well," Teddy said while Billy was doing some of the dishes in the kitchen sink.

"Yeah. It could have been a lot worse. Thanks for putting up with my crazy family. Families."

"Anything for you, love. I hope you don't mind I invited them all back next week."

Billy picked up one of the knives he was washing from the sink and said, "Prepare to die, Altman."

Teddy took a step back, with an exaggerated look of fear on his face. "Please don't kill me."

"You're too pretty to die, I suppose." Billy said, putting the knife back into the sink.

"And your mom said she'd pay for the dinner to be catered."