Regrets are Among the Forgiven

Part 1

Santana's POV

The room felt cold, devoid of any happiness or joy. I kept staring to my left at the head of blonde hair beside me. No matter how hard I tried to imagine it being Brittany, it wasn't.

How had I let things get this out of hand? Why couldn't I handle all this crap maturely? But, most importantly, why did I sleep with Quinn, my best friend, twice?

I was such a fucking idiot. I was supposed to be holding my head high, proving to everyone that I was perfectly capable of being an adult.

I was supposed to be this powerful "girl on fire" living up to everyone's expectations.

When did I begin to resort to my old ways?

Actually, I knew that answer. It was easy. It was when Brittany told me she was not going to break up with Sam.

I had let my broken heart control my actions. It's not that I don't want Brittany to be happy. I do. I just wish they didn't have to flaunt their relationship in my face. That's what hurts the most.

Having to watch them together on the dance floor made me sick to my stomach. It should have been me dancing with her.

Watching Sam put his hands in places only my hands should ever be enraged me. That's when I knew I needed alcohol in my system if I was going to make it through this party.

That was my first mistake, turning to alcohol. It never leads to anything good.

My second mistake, was allowing Quinn to get close to me, touch me, dance with me.

My mind was trying to forget about Brittany. Yet, deep down, I knew my heart never could.

Now, here I am naked in bed beside the wrong blonde. I wanted to scream or to turn back time.

The air was becoming too suffocating. I needed fresh air.

I quietly slid out of bed and walked over to my overnight bag. I threw on a pair of sweatpants and a tank top. Then, reached for my slipper shoes.

I grabbed the keycard and turned the knob on the door.

Once I stood in the hallway, I heaved a sigh of relief. I leaned back against the door trying to compose myself.

Just as I was about to turn to leave, the door opposite my room opened and Brittany stood there before me.

"Hi," she said shyly.

"Hey," I replied.

We stood there for a while in dead silence.

"Did you have a fun night?" she asked.

"Uh, it was alright. How was your night?"

"It was fun. Thanks."

Things were becoming awkward. I didn't know what to say to her.

"Where are you off to?" she questioned.

"I just needed to get some fresh air."

She smiled at me before saying, "me too."

"You and Quinn looked like you were having fun."

"Yeah, we were. I can say the same for you and Guppy lips."

"Santana, don't call him names."

"Fine." I hated how hard this was. "I was surprised you didn't even come over to talk to me at all. I kind of thought since we were still "best friends" things wouldn't be as awkward as they are."

"I'm sorry it's just that Sam and -"

"I get it. Don't worry," I said turning to walk away.

"Stop," she said putting a hand on my arm. "Don't be like that."

"How do you expect me to be, Brittany? You think this is easy for me? You think it doesn't bother me to see you with him? You think it doesn't make me sick when I can see him touching you?"

Her head drops and she almost looks guilty.

"I'm sorry. I should have thought about your feelings."

"Yeah, but you didn't. Obviously it's very easy for you to forget that I even exist."

"That's not true!"

"You know what, Brittany, save it. I hope you're happy," I said before setting off down the hallway.

"Santana, wait…"

"What?" I said not bothering to turn around.

"I could never forget you. You are everything to me. Why do you think I pushed you to New York? I care about you so much. I don't want you to sit around and wait for me. I want you to go and live out your dreams."

I chuckled. "My dreams?" I finally turned around and moved closer towards her. "That's the thing you don't get, Britt. YOU are a part of ALL my dreams. At least you were."

"Santana, I-I-I…"

She stood there looking deep into my eyes, searching for words to say to make things better somehow.

"You should get back in there before Sam starts to worry that you're lost."

"Damn it, Santana! Look at me!"

I did.

"Don't you see how hard this is for me, too?"

I shook my head not wanting to believe her.

Just then, the door to my room opened revealing Quinn wrapped in only the bed sheet.

"What the hell is going on, Lopez?"

My heart dropped. Things weren't supposed to happen like this.

"Quinn?" Brittany said, her voice quiet and shaky.

They looked at each other, trying to take everything in.

"Um, I'll just go back inside. Take your time."

Quinn retreated into the room closing the door behind her.

I couldn't speak. The words would not resonate from my tongue.

Brittany was staring at me, eyes glossy with unshed tears.

"Please tell me you didn't, please?"

"I—I—.."

"Oh my God," she said covering her mouth with her hand.

"I'm sorry. I couldn't stand seeing you with him. We were drunk and it just happened."

She was crying now, the tears were falling freely from her face. "How could you?"

I tried to reach out for her but she pushed away from me. "I'm so sorry, Brittany. It was a mistake."

"I don't know who I hate more right now. You, Quinn, or myself."

With that she turned away from me and ran through the hall towards the stairs.