Author's Note: I own no person, no place, no thing – outside the plot. If you recognize it, it probably belongs to Ms. Rowling or some other awesome super-human.

Chapter One: Captain Underpants

Fred's nose awoke before the rest of his body, tingling with the pleasure of the sea air combined with the scent of the lavender field behind the Larsen House at the end of the road. The morning air pouring in through the open window above his headboard was cool and light and clean. He moaned in half-awake pleasure, then rolled over onto his stomach and opened his eyes to see the glory of this Spring morning. Shuffling his pillow underneath him, he propped himself up on his elbows to watch the distant evergreens waving in the morning breeze. God's above, it was like Heaven here. In the few months since he and Hermione had arrived to open the Pacific Northwest branch of WWW, there had not been a single morning that he had not woken up in pure joy at the sight before him. Fred rolled over again onto his back.

"'Mione!" He waited a beat, then yelled again.

"Hermione!"

"What?" A voice came from down the hall. Kitchen maybe? Fred thought he could smell coffee over the pervasive lavender and ocean salt.

"Come here!" He shouted. Fred grinned. He loved pulling that girl's wand. She hated to be ordered around.

"What for? You want coffee? I just made some," her voice floated down the hallway.

"Yeh that's fine, but come in here!"

"Frederick Weasley, what do you WANT?" he heard her huff as she stomped down the hall towards his room.

"Just come in here you lazy girl!" he ordered. Hermione poked her head into his room just as he was sitting up to fluff his pillows. She was balancing a book under one arm and had a mug in each hand. Her hair was in utterly hilarious pigtails, and she was wearing an oversized set of Western Washington University flannel pajamas that Fred had gotten her for Valentine's Day. Her Valentine's gift to him had been a pair of hip waders. They had mutually agreed that they'd bought each other the un-sexiest Valentine's gifts ever, but that was perfect, really. Friends don't really buy each other Valentine's gifts, but since they were essentially all each other had out here, living so far away from their families in England, they'd decided to make a big deal of every holiday. Fred had charmed them both magnificent fake beards for President's Day, which ended up being a big seller in the shop.

Hermione shuffled into the room and dropped her book on the end of Fred's bed, then leaned over to hand him a mug, which he accepted as he patted the bed beside him.

"Thanks, Love, now get in here and join me for a mo'," he commanded. Hermione rolled her eyes and sat her coffee mug on his bedside table, then clambered onto his bed, leaning against the pillows. Fred leaned across her and set his mug next to hers, then dragged her down to lay next to him, shushing her protests with his hand over her mouth.

"Just lie down. Listen, smell, feel," he said, laying back into the pillows himself.

"Listen to what?" Hermione asked as soon as he took his hand off her face.

He shrugged his shoulders and grinned cheekily at her. "Everything. Nothing. Just lay back and bask," he said airily.

Hermione huffed, then shifted around to get more comfortable. Then she sniffed. "Mmmm, the lavender fields smell divine," she said.

"Yes."

"I can smell the ocean, and I hear the Ferry coming in," she said.

"Yes."

"It's Sunday, I hear church bells."

"Mmmhmm."

"The roses are blooming."

"Hermione."

"Yes Fred?"

"Shut up please."

"Git."

Silence settled over them. Hermione breathed deeply, in and out, settling deeper into the pillow as she enjoyed the atmosphere around her. She could smell the sleepy man next to her, she could hear him breathing, and she could hear the various early morning noises of the town around them. She smelled their coffee, she smelled the scent of her shampoo in her hair, she felt the morning sun bathing her face. The tantalizing aroma of roses, cedar, lavender and sea air coming through the window was so heady she almost couldn't believe it was real. She smiled.

"I love it here," she said softly.

Fred turned on his side to look at the woman next to him. "Got it in one," he said back to her. Then he smiled and lay back on his pillow, extending his arm to tuck her in closer to him. Hermione shuffled around and snuggled closer to her friend, burrowing her head into the crook of his arm.

"When are you heading out?" She asked quietly.

"Not until this evening. There's no point in leaving earlier, the day's already more than half over back home," Fred replied.

"Didn't your Mum want you for Easter supper?" Hermione queried.

"Oh, yeh I guess. But I couldn't resist spending my one day of the week off with my favorite book-keeper. Unless you've changed your mind about coming?" Fred tickled her ribs with his free hand, then reached over her to grab his coffee cup again. He sat up and sipped the dark brew. Mmm, the coffee out here alone was a good reason to stay in Washington the rest of his life.

"I really shouldn't. It would be awkward with Ronald, and who'd mind the shop? You know Sunny can't manage it on her own for a day, forget two weeks. We'd come back to a burnt out husk."

Hermione's excuses to not come back to England when Fred went to visit his family and meet with George about shop business were the same every time, but they were honest excuses. Fred's younger brother was still being a bastard after Hermione's rejection last Christmas, and Sunflower, Fred and Hermione's part-time assistant, was cheerful and trusting to the point of not being trust-worthy. She could be counted on to short the register and give away products to hard-luck stories, but the customers adored her, and she had an amazing touch with the pygmy puffs. They grew and reproduced like mad under her care, and she'd even developed long-haired, pastel-colored hybrids that they were marketing for Easter.

"When a Bunny's Not Enough, Give Your Love a Pastel Puff!

New Colors and Sizes Available Just in Time for Easter!"

This poster had been hanging in the front window over the display of Pastel Puffs for the past two weeks, and it had been their best seller since Fred and Hermione had opened the West Coast Weasley's Wizarding Wheezes just after the beginning of the New Year in Friday Harbor on San Juan Island off the coast of Washington state.

The close proximity to Alaska and Canada, along with the easy trade routes to the Asian countries, provided for the existence of a large and bustling melting pot of a Wizarding Community. Because the many islands and different countries with their different cultures were so close together, most people and goods arrived by skipping, a form of apparition that involved quick bounces from spot to spot which enabled a wizard in, say, Northern China, to arrive in Friday Harbor by quickly popping from town to town and island to island. International Floo and Portkey travel could get expensive and had to be applied for in advance, but skipping? That was free and private, and so Friday Harbor had become a Wizarding Community unlike any other. There was world class shopping, dining, and entertainment to be sure, but the thing that brought witches and wizards from all over the world was the variety. From buckwheat noodles to butterbeer, from kimonos to quills, Friday Harbor was the Wonderland of the Wizarding World.

The ridiculously easy access to previously unknown and unobtainable foreign herbs and potions had been the deciding factor for Fred and George to open a branch so far from their original store in London, but the plan had really formed because Fred had been desperate to get away from England and Europe entirely after the War. His near-death encounter with the collapsing wall at the Battle of Hogwarts Castle had affected a dramatic change on his outlook in life. After several months of physical and psychological recuperation, Fred still hadn't returned to his previous, carefree and charismatic self. He wasn't content with staying put in a familiar place, life was too short to be merely content – right? George had hated seeing his brother so unhappy when they were so close to living their dream, so the twins had put off expanding to a safe, known area like Hogsmeade in favor of this far-flung location.

When Ron's awkward, unexpected, and completely unwanted marriage proposal to Hermione had ruined the Weasley family Christmas, Hermione found herself at a cross-roads in her life. Her parents were gone, rooted out and murdered half a world away in Sydney, she didn't want to enter Auror training along with Harry and Ron, and she hadn't been interested in the idea of returning to Hogwarts to finish her education after her year off.

Two days after Christmas, Hermione had shown up at the front of the WWW shop at 93 Diagon Alley twenty minutes before the store was set to open, with three coffees and scones from the café on the corner. Then, she'd begged the twins to let her go to Washington with Fred, who'd planned to leave London and open the Friday Harbor store in just a couple of days. With her vast personal library and knowledge of exotic plants and animals, Hermione did have a valuable skill to offer the twins for research and development of new products. Fred also saw the benefit of her Muggle heritage, as he'd be spending more time than ever in his life in the Muggle world gathering materials for new inventions.

All in all, it had been a win-win situation for them both, familiarity and escape, the comfort of a friend and a whole new world to explore.

"Well, Love, you have a point there. Not much point in returning to a burnt out husk. But you know, everyone misses you. Georgie told me just the other day that Ron's started some kind of psychological training with the Auror Department, and he's been flagged to spend extra time with their Mind Healers," Fred said.

"Oh, really? Harry mentioned the psychological training to me in his last letter, but I didn't know that Ronald was having problems with them. Did George or anyone say what Ronald and the Mind Healers are working on?" Hermione couldn't help but be worried about her old friend, but she was more than a little relieved to hear this news. She'd figured out months ago that Ronald must be suffering from some form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, but she had made absolutely no headway trying to speak with him about his problems after the War. He'd just gotten more uncomfortable to be around, more possessive, and more delusional about their supposed relationship.

She was just grateful that he hadn't followed her to Washington when she'd come out here with Fred. In fact, Ron hadn't tried to contact her in any way. This meant two things for Hermione. Number one, she did miss her friend, and was saddened by their months of non-communication. Number two, however, was that that her absence from his daily life seemed to be beneficial to his recovery. He hadn't REALLY been madly in love with her, because if he had, he wouldn't have given up his mad pursuit of her just because she'd moved away. And thank Godric he didn't. That would have been awkward on so many levels.

When Fred affirmed that The Mind Healers and Ronald were discussing his participation in the War, and it's long-term effects on him, Hermione sat up quickly, looking at her friend with a tremendous smile. "I was right! I told Harry it was PTSD! I tried to explain it to Ronald, but he never listened to me!" Hermione smacked Fred on the chest for emphasis as she crowed in triumph.

"Hey! No hitting the messenger!" Fred grabbed her hands and pushed her away from him. Hermione grinned and hopped off the bed, grabbing her coffee mug and book to exit the room as Fred took another happy sip of his coffee.

"Happy Easter Fred!" She sang as she ran to the bathroom and locked the door.

"Happy Easter 'Mio-" With a loud POP, large white bunny ears appeared on top of Fred's head. Fred leapt out of the bed to look in the mirror over his bureau.

"Hermione!" Fred shouted. His new ears wiggled charmingly. Oh, this meant WAR. Fred hadn't given Hermione his Easter gift yet, a rare deep orange climbing rose bush that matched his amazing hair color perfectly, if he did say so himself, but that gift didn't nearly match the level of awesomeness that Hermione's did. Fred scratched his chin thoughtfully for a second as he appraised his new ears.

Well, if she wanted some bunny, she'd get some bunny. Fred grabbed his wand and snuck into her bedroom.

By the time Hermione poked her head out of the bathroom door to make sure the coast was clear, Fred was already in the kitchen frying bacon and slicing a cantaloupe. Hermione darted into her bedroom to get dressed for the day. She couldn't wait to see his new ears, but she wasn't looking forward to the retaliation when he realized they wouldn't be disappearing until after Midnight and Easter was officially over. He'd have to go to England with those bad boys on his head.

Hermione was still snickering as she opened her bureau drawer to extract some knickers. As soon as she drew them up her legs and over her bum, she heard a loud POP. Looking behind herself in horror, she saw a large, fluffy white bunny tail stuck to the back of her knickers.

Hermione sighed. Fred. Naturally it would be something to do with her underwear. It was obvious the man hadn't spent much time living with a woman, as he was delighted by her bras and knickers mixed up with his clothing in the wash. The first time she'd come into her bedroom to find all of her freshly laundered bra's hanging from the ceiling like fly-paper, she'd laughed. The fifth time, she'd found them hanging from the ceiling in the stairwell leading down to the shop from their flat, she'd been less amused, and had forbidden him to play with her underwear anymore. The next morning had been Chinese New Year, and she'd come out of her shower to find that every last bra and pair of knickers had been charmed either WWW Magenta or WWW Orange. Her knickers now even had the WWW logo embroidered across the back.

Lovely. Classy, really.

Of course she'd gotten Fred pretty good that Holiday. He'd opened his sock drawer to find a tiny Chimera tearing his socks to pieces and setting the whole drawer on fire. Then, as he'd ran down the hallway to holler at Hermione in the Kitchen, new pairs of socks had started pelting him from all angles.

Striped, polka-dotted, argyle, lighting bolts, snitches, even a pair with prancing unicorns, more than twenty sets of WWW Magenta and WWW Orange socks had attacked and beaten him to the hall floor.

It had been a great Holiday, really. But it had also set a standard for pranking and gift-giving that they had yet to give up on, nearly two months later. Living in a culturally diverse community like Fred and Hermione did, there was at least one Holiday every week, sometimes more.

Hermione pulled the bunny-tailed knickers off and tried on another pair. POP. Tail. She tried on another. POP. Tail.

POP. POP. POP.

Hermione sighed. She pulled on her most conservative pair of boy-short knickers and stalked into the kitchen, where Fred was innocently leaning against the counter drinking coffee and looking out the window.

"Ahem!" Hermione cleared her throat loudly.

Fred turned around, and appreciatively widened his eyes and wolf-whistled at Hermione, standing in front of him in her t-shirt and underpants. Then he burst out laughing as she spun around to show him her tail, glaring at him over her shoulder.

"You know, Hermione, there's employment for girls like you that enjoy walking around in knickers and a fluffy bunny tail." Fred wiped his eyes as he tried to contain his amusement.

"Very funny, Weasley. But you know, it's hard to take you seriously when your ears are twitching so adorably," Hermione retorted.

"Ah, you like them? I rather do too, you know. So what do you say you and I go for a stroll through town this morning? Show off our new look? It would be good advertising, you know." Fred's grin was a challenge. He was daring Hermione to find some way to rid herself of the tail, or go out in public and risk hearing more Playwizard jokes.

Then she started thinking. The charm didn't seem to be on her bum, just on her knickers. The tail was far too large and poofy to hide under pants, robes or a dress. Her bottom would have a huge bump, and there was absolutely no way she was walking around in public with a hole in her clothing to permit the tail access to the outside world. Well she couldn't go without knickers, that was out of the question and obviously the solution that Fred assumed she'd go for. Hmm….

"Sure, Fred. Just let me find something appropriate to wear." Hermione smiled back at her friend, answering his challenge. He'd see who was laughing when she found the loophole in his prank.

As Fred set the bacon and fruit on their plates, Hermione went back to her room. Then she quietly snuck into Fred's room and opened his dresser to grab a pair of his boxer briefs. She dashed back to her room and locked the door, then tossed off her fluffy pants in favor of Fred's. She tapped the Gryffindor Red cotton boxer briefs to resize them to her body, then checked her bum.

No tail. Ha-Ha! Victory was hers, and it only took her a few moments. Hermione dressed in a faded pair of denims that hugged her curves just enough to show that there was no bunny tail present, and headed out to the kitchen with a smile.

Fred's own smile widened, then faded over the next hour as he covertly tried spell after spell to disarm or remove whatever spell Hermione must have used to hide her tail. There was no way she was actually walking around town with him sans knickers… Was she?

No, Little Stuffy Pants Granger would never… It had to be a glamour or something he hadn't tried yet.

For the rest of the afternoon, through the Easter music festival and the flower market, through the Chinese cold noodle lunch and walk to the beach to find new seashells to transfigure for the shop, Fred puzzled and stewed about Hermione's derriere. He was too proud to admit she'd somehow foiled his prank, but he just couldn't figure out the loophole she must have found.

Meanwhile, Fred's bunny ears twitched and wiggled charmingly at passers-by, and Hermione just smiled.

/…./

"All right, so this packet contains the copy of the ledger with all of our receipts to take to Gringotts, and this one has George's audited copy of the London shop's year-end sales as well as the one the two of you need to sign together and submit to the Ministry. Here's your sketch pad with the new prototypes we've been working on, and here's a copy of my notes." Hermione was busy stacking folders and envelopes into Fred's arms, and didn't notice the frustration rising on his face.

"This bag has the dried samples of fire lichens we collected last week from Mt. Saint Helens, and also the packet of mushrooms and fungi that just came in from Hong Kong. And this last bag has the seashells you and George wanted to work on. Try not to shatter them all before you get to London, eh?" Hermione finally looked up at her friend and smiled innocently. She knew he was still stewing over the tail charm, and figured she'd let him in on the secret.

But only if he asked. Nicely.

"Mr. Weasley, is something wrong?" Hermione asked sweetly.

Fred huffed, and his ears drooped sadly. "All right, all right. You win this round Hermione. I'd like to point out that this is the first time you have ever beaten me. So come on now, tell me the truth. Did you just walk around town all day commando, or did you find a way to break the charm? Because I've checked and checked, and you don't have a tail. It's not concealed, it's just not there!" Fred's pouting was really funny.

"You know, Fred, it was really quite simple. And while I really enjoyed you checking out my bum all day long, I am quite disappointed you didn't figure out the easy and obvious answer yourself." Hermione pushed him backwards away from her, knowing his Portkey was about to go off, and not wanting to be accidently tugged off to London.

Fred raised one eyebrow, waiting to hear her solution to what he thought had been a clever and rather risqué prank.

"You see, Freddie, I'm wearing your underwear." At this Hermione lifted the hem of her t-shirt to show him the expanse of her belly, which sure enough was encircled by a pair of his boxer-briefs. Fred's mouth dropped open as Hermione laughed. Then his Portkey activated and he was swept away, leaving Hermione to bask in the glow of Fred's utter astonishment.

To Be Continued.