Thanks to some interpersonal issues with an ex-writing partner, I will be having to rework and alter this story to tone down the sexual aspect to make it appropriate for the rating system on this archive. It's going to take me some time, but I will have the uncut version of Ambivalence hopefully fully available by 2.1.2015 on Adult Fan Fiction. It's just going to take some time to load it all up, but once I do, you'll be able to go on with the link I will have available on my profile page here.

Also, I need to alter some of the chapters 70-100 for continuity. That will take some time as well.

Thanks everyone for your patience. I'm sorry for any confusion or upset this might cause you.

~AW

PART ONE

Chapter One

It had been a while since Jonouchi had left his shit apartment complex, and even longer since he'd had some spare cash to throw around. His immediate solution was to walk a little ways uptown to Burger World for something to eat. He was tired of boiled ramen with flavor packets, or white bread with pork, and his personal favorite: whatever frozen pre-packaged meals he could afford. Somehow Jonouchi had managed to come up with extra money after paying bills, and since it wasn't enough to buy the new sneakers he'd been eyeing for awhile, he chose food instead. He supposed there was always the option of waiting and saving until he had more, but he knew that when next month rolled around, there'd be some kind of emergency that he'd need that extra money for. Better to spend it on something fun while he had it. It wasn't like he was known for being that responsible, anyway.

His reasons for staying inside were mostly practical, though, given his neighborhood. He went to work, but usually outside of that, he holed himself up in his apartment. Jonouchi had yet to claw his way out of the piece-of-shit ghetto he'd been living in for years, and so long as he was living amid a few struggling gang members with their turf wars and the Yakuza that hadn't been flushed out yet, he thought it best to stay inside.

He didn't use to worry about it. The gangs had no interest in him since Hirutani and his goons had broken up. Jonouchi could probably beat his way out of an encounter with up to four thugs at a time if he really had to. At least putting up a fight would keep them off his back for a while. Unfortunately for him, he'd become paranoid about being jumped unaware. He felt as if he was a walking target, like there may as well be a glowing red bull's-eye on his back. Even as he walked to downtown, which was relatively safe, he kept checking over his shoulder to see if he was being watched or followed. He eyed suspiciously anyone who had a hand in their pocket for an extended period of time.

Jonouchi was beginning to feel like he was going to lose his mind…

When he reached Burger World and gratefully sat in a booth in the corner, he started glancing over the menu that the waitress had given him. Anzu hadn't worked at the joint for a while, but it looked as if it hadn't changed much. They had redone the internal decor to make the place seem classier, and the waitress uniforms seemed a little longer past the thigh. That part he was less enthusiastic about, but it wasn't like he was really paying attention anymore.

Shit, he almost felt bad about looking at girls now, and he hated it. Not so much for the girls, but for himself. It felt strange and awkward. Before, he and Honda would sit just about anywhere and point out women to each other as they walked by, snickering about bra sizes and whatever else interested them back in high school. Now it just made him ask a lot of questions about those memories. Like whether or not he'd actually known what he was talking about. If he'd been doing that because he thought he should and it was the norm, or if he was actually attracted to those girls.

He had never even asked any of them out, like Honda had Miho, or later, Shizuka. Honestly, Jonouchi loved his sister, but he didn't know what Honda saw in her as a girlfriend. Honda always went after those shy, quiet girls who weren't even interested in him. A blunt and fiery guy like Jonouchi was at least entertaining to them as a novelty, but as a boyfriend…?

Whatever the case, Jonouchi's only real consistent interest in women had been Kujaku Mai. He felt strange from even just thinking about her. Everything about her appearance was preened and kept to the point that she looked like something off a magazine cover. Her makeup was always perfect, her cover-up slightly lighter than her skin to make her face seem fair, and her lipstick scarlet red. Her nails were always perfectly manicured, and her hair was silky and long, cascading in glamorous curls...

And yet, for how much Mai used to make him lie awake at night and occupied his thoughts, he'd never asked her out. Jonouchi had never even had dreams about her, like Honda sometimes said he did about girls. Hell, even Yugi had one or two that he'd rather abashedly admitted to Jonouchi back in the day. But he himself…never about girls. Watching porn could get him his kicks, but he was pretty sure it wasn't for the same reasons as Honda and Yugi.

He sighed, trying to focus on reading the menu so he could order his damn burger and fries. He didn't want to think about that sort of thing in public. He felt like everyone could tell what was running through his mind. Like he was exuding some kind of aura that would alert everyone to his little revelation of a few weeks ago. He supposed he wouldn't feel that way if it weren't for the looks he'd been getting from other men. Then again…maybe he'd always been getting them, and hadn't noticed until now. That didn't make him feel any better, though.

Jonouchi gave up searching the menu and figured it was all near the same anyway. When the waitress returned, he ordered just a cheeseburger and fries with a milkshake, trying the whole time not to seem off. He still stammered a little, but the waitress didn't seem to notice. Jonouchi sank into his seat when she left. That sort of thing had never happened to him before. Usually, he'd flirt with one of the girls who served him, just because he could. Now talking to them just made him feel like he was lying.

His eyes wandered around the restaurant as he tried to preoccupy his brain with observations rather than thought. Part of him wished desperately for someone to talk to, but every other part of him knew that it was better to just keep his mouth shut. The last thing he wanted was for any of his friends to know. Honda, in particular. He couldn't just tell a guy he'd jerked off with that he might be a little homo. There was no way that shit would fly.

It was as Jonouchi's eyes roamed the room that he saw someone familiar enter. His blood froze for a moment when the bell sounded. Of all the things to happen by chance, why did it have to be that? Shit, he'd rather have been punched in the face on the way home than deal with this.

Why did it have to be him?

Kaiba had Mokuba with him, which was probably the only reason he was in Burger World to begin with. Even though the guy didn't project his food prejudices on others, it was obvious from the way Kaiba hosted parties and just his general mannerisms that lower-class cuisine didn't appeal to him. Jonouchi had the urge to sneer at Mokuba for bringing him, but then he immediately felt bad thinking about it. Mokuba wasn't at fault. He just wanted some dinner. But damn, Jonouchi wanted an excuse to be angry at someone. Because he sure as hell was angry, and the last place he wanted to direct it was at himself.

For a fleeting moment, Jonouchi hoped that the Kaiba brothers wouldn't notice him. But that hope was immediately dashed when Mokuba turned to scan the place for a seat and laid eyes on him. Jonouchi could tell from the spark of recognition and mild excitement that he was definitely going to be approached, and he tried to curb his anger. There was no need for snapping at a kid for remembering an old friend.

Mokuba waved at Jonouchi, which caught his brother's attention. At first Kaiba's deep blue eyes were just searching, but the moment he saw Jonouchi, they went cold. Kaiba's expression was one of pure contempt, and he proceeded to ignore Jonouchi after that. It made Jonouchi's anger flare up again, his teeth grinding as his eyes narrowed, but he fought against acting out. He knew why he hated seeing Kaiba again. He'd probably never admit it, but he knew. In the past, before everything had finally calmed down, he hadn't let something so simple as Kaiba's contemptuous glances get him hot and bothered.

But back then, he didn't feel so rejected by them, either.

Mokuba was dragging Kaiba across the restaurant towards his booth. Much as Jonouchi liked the kid, he was praying to every god he knew that they didn't sit with him. He wouldn't be able to eat a damn thing with Kaiba sitting there being critical of him. He didn't stand as they approached, feeling stubborn, but only Kaiba seemed put off by it. Fuck him—it wasn't as if he would have done anything differently. Even though Mokuba was the one greeting him excitedly, it was Kaiba who kept Jonouchi on edge.

Had he always been that tall? With such smooth-looking skin? And straight, thick dark hair, and such vibrant yet deep blue eyes…it was very distracting. It took conscious effort not to stare and over-observe, but Jonouchi couldn't help it at this point. It was like seeing Kaiba in a different spectrum from before. He had always noticed—there was no getting around that. But now it was different. Now he knew why he'd noticed so much.

"Hey, Mokuba," Jonouchi greeted, flashing an easy smile and directing his eyes away from Kaiba's direction, "How ya been, kid?"

The "kid" had gone though a growth spurt, it seemed. With a new haircut. His body was starting to mature like his brother's, Jonouchi noticed. Mokuba had the same eyes: the almond shape without double eyelids. And his shoulders were already wide, especially in proportion to his hips. Though, he didn't have Kaiba's model-long legs or his aesthetically pleasing body proportions…

He was thinking way too hard about it.

"Good, although I didn't know you liked cheesy fake American food, but I guess that's because I never really watched you eat," Mokuba teased, glancing at his brother for a second before continuing, "Although, Nii-sama says you eat crap like that all the time."

"Can't argue with that," Jonouchi agreed, grinning, but his tone was slightly haughty. He could hear the edge in his voice, and he knew Kaiba noticed. Kaiba noticed everything. He was like the guy from that American film who could use one hundred percent of his brain consciously, all the time. "I figured I'd get out of the apartment and have myself some crappy imitation American food."

"I think I'm going to do the same," Mokuba replied, grinning wickedly before sitting down uninvited, "I love going to the States and eating all the fast food. I don't care if I end up gaining a few pounds from going overseas; real hamburgers with chocolate sundaes and fries are the best thing ever… Especially when you eat the fries with your ice cream."

"Mokuba," interrupted Kaiba dryly, not sitting to join them, "do you know how disgusting that is?"

"Well, you're the authority on all things offensive, so I guess you'd know," Jonouchi slipped out before promptly shutting his mouth. While he hadn't really meant that as more than something to get under Kaiba's skin, he knew it was a bad idea. Maybe he wasn't cool-facing it as well as he'd thought. Still, Kaiba's anti-social behavior really got to Jonouchi, especially since Kaiba made things personal.

"I don't believe I was talking to you," Kaiba snapped back, now folding his hands and glancing back down at his brother, "I'm not eating here with the village idiot—let's go."

Mokuba just blinked before looking back at Jonouchi, sensing some sort of strange tension, but he was too excited to see his old friend again to leave. "Nii-sama, you can go get dinner where you'd like, and I'll call you when I'm done," he suggested, "So then you won't have to watch me dip fries into my shake."

Kaiba made a slight look of disagreement, but didn't argue against it. Nodding his head compliantly, he briefly glanced at Jonouchi again, his jaw tensing a little, before turning heel and walking out the door.

"He's just angry because he hates American food," muttered Mokuba, "He didn't want to come here to begin with. I begged."

"Man, you don't have to sugarcoat it," Jonouchi huffed, "He's an ass, and we both know it. Still, sorry for being so snippy with him. I've been having a hard couple of weeks."

Jonouchi smiled apologetically. That was an understatement. It had been more like a hard couple of months, really. A slow, snowballing nightmare that had come to a head and left him completely confused and insecure. And afraid, too. This wasn't something he thought could happen to him.

"Well, it doesn't do any good apologizing to me," Mokuba said, and then the waitress reappeared to take his order. He did the same as Jonouchi, only instead of a cheeseburger, he asked for bacon and onion rings on it. Probably because Kaiba wasn't around to guilt-trip him for eating gluttonous food, and free from the harsh remarks over weight gain, Mokuba ate whatever he wanted.

"Nii-sama's having a hard time, too, you know—he's still sore about Yugi and the whole ordeal in Egypt. He gave up dueling a few months ago, I think for good. It's strange, his entire deck is locked away, and he doesn't even talk about what happened last year…"

"Didn't he do that before, though?" Jonouchi asked, but he was slightly surprised to hear that. "After Battle City? He said he was retiring to focus on his work and then ended up playing again…"

Although Kaiba hadn't had much of a choice. First it had been the Doom swordsmen, and then Sigfried Schroeder had needed to be put in his place. It seemed that this time, rather than just taking a temporary break to focus on Mokuba and Kaiba Corporation, Kaiba had quit out of a lack of motivation. His greatest rival was gone.

"Yeah, well, he lied that time." Mokuba was laughing, taking a fry and dipping it into his chocolate shake before stuffing it into his mouth, "He told me he didn't see the point in dueling anymore, since he'd faced everyone who was worth his time. So he quit."

Mokuba didn't really understand the whole situation, but it was never his concern, really. Dueling was great and all, but the game was never his, and after his brother quit, it just meant that he got more time for actually hanging out again. Being brothers without all the extra crap getting in the way. He'd never admit it to Kaiba, but Mokuba was actually glad the whole "professional dueling" career was over.

It wasn't any fun competing against Mutou Yugi for attention.

"Now he just focuses a lot on work."

"That doesn't sound exciting," said Jonouchi, pausing when the food arrived, "He should pick up the game again and quit sulking."

Like he was one to talk. Almost all Jonouchi did now was sulk. His friends were mostly out of town or too busy to spend time with him, and along with his identity crisis, the loneliness was near the top of his list of things that were wearing him down. It wouldn't be as big a deal if he had the money to afford maybe some video games or comic books. Something to take his mind off things during the day. But no, it was just him in his apartment with the old N64 he'd been given as a child, and a crappy television with no cable. He didn't even have internet access in the place or a computer. It was too expensive, and he could barely afford rent, utilities, and groceries.

"He's busy with work and stressing himself out, not sulking," Mokuba said, giving Jonouchi a rather sour expression before stuffing the burger into his mouth and proceeding to talk while eating, "I mean, he's got a lot on his plate. Trying to expand into New York and that whole entire market there. There's a lot of cultural bullshit he's trying to work out, and he's doing it mainly alone… as usual."

"Aren't you his Vice?" Jonouchi asked while he munched a fry he'd dipped in his strawberry milkshake. "I thought you two worked together a lot."

Well, not a lot, but often. He remembered that the Kaiba brothers both knew the company inside-out, and they'd worked together to save the Dueling Network from a virus. Mokuba wasn't an idiot, that was for sure.

"I guess he probably is really busy, running an international company and all."

It was hard to feel bad for Kaiba. The guy had everything that anyone could ever want, and Jonouchi wasn't going to sympathize with him because he had to work to maintain it. Kaiba was rich, powerful, famous, and pretty fucking good-looking to boot. Not to mention, his personality in general was so foul that the reality check stopped Jonouchi in his tracks whenever he started feeling just a little bad for Kaiba.

"Well, he says I can't run off alone and manage the international branches just yet because of my age," Mokuba explained, "The Americans won't take me seriously, and he doesn't want something like when Pegasus tried taking over to happen again. He promised that when I get a little older, he'd actually let me act as Vice, but right now he just doesn't trust me enough with the responsibility… I don't know, it's hard to convince him to trust anyone, and I guess he thinks I'll let people walk all over me if I actually went and did my job alone.

"I'm sure, though, when I'm eighteen, he'll let me actually handle more work! He said I could go to any university I want, but I think I'll just stay with Kaiba Corporation. It is our company, after all, and I'm going to start my own international branch when I'm old enough."

"It's not like you need college anyway, when your family owns half the shares of a multibillion-dollar corporation," Jonouchi muttered. He had yet to figure out what he was going to do about his education. He'd barely managed high school, financially and grade-wise. University was supposed to be easier, but the expense…

"You guys are probably fine. I mean, all the times your company got taken, it was either by an underground superpower, or because both of you were out of commission, right? But I don't blame Kaiba for keeping you nearby. You're smart, but you're still a kid. And his kid brother, to boot. He's always been concerned about protecting you."

As evidenced by how Kaiba acted when he failed to do so. Or when he considered himself to have failed. Honestly, the only real evidence that Kaiba was a human and not some sort of mecha was his hick Osakan accent and his love for his little brother. If it weren't for that, he'd just be a hardass with impossibly perfect looks and an insufferable personality. Yeah, maybe he had a sexually appealing voice. And body. And eyes. And everything. Fuck him anyway.

"Jonouchi, are you all right?"

Mokuba was looking at him strangely, and before Jonouchi could respond, the subject of his frustration reappeared, taking a seat next to his brother before sulking. Kaiba looked tired, from the dark spots around his eyes, but it didn't do anything to diminish his overall appeal. Just made him appear less perfect and put-together like Mai always did, and more human. But it didn't last when he saw Mokuba dip a fry into his shake, crossing his arms again and sighing.

"Will you finish up eating soon? It's late enough, Mokuba, and I have work I still need to get done before I can go to bed."

"Yeah yeah, Nii-sama, I'm almost done."

Jonouchi didn't comment, his jaw clenching. Everything about Kaiba pissed him off. The moment his prissy mouth opened, all hell broke loose in Jonouchi's head. The disapproving looks Kaiba turned on his food, the way he sat like he thought the booth would give him crabs, the way he didn't even acknowledge Jonouchi when he arrived…he was irritating.

"Hello to you, too, Kaiba," Jonouchi spoke up, glaring pointedly. He'd said Kaiba's name a bit more loudly than he should have, and part of him hoped that Kaiba would be recognized. It would make his evening a little harder, being noticed in public. "I was hoping not to see you again today. Looks like my luck ran out."

"Close your damn eyes, and you wouldn't have such a problem."

Kaiba gave Mokuba one last dirty look before the kid stuffed the rest of his food down his throat and drank the rest of his drink. Kaiba's eyes narrowed and Jonouchi was sure the kid would choke from eating like that, but Mokuba managed like a champ and pushed on his brother's shoulder, trying to get out of the booth before any more shit could be thrown across the table.

"It was nice seeing you again, Jonouchi!" Mokuba said, snorting when his brother dumped money onto the table to pay the bill, "You should stop by Kaiba Corporation sometime, so we can hang out. You will, won't you?"

"Sure thing," Jonouchi smiled, "We don't hang out enough."

It would be nice to have someone to spend time with, even if Mokuba was younger. He was smart, and had a good sense of humor. And didn't give him odd feelings.

"I'll drop by to visit one of these days, I promise."

"Awesome!"

Mokuba waved as his brother stalked off out the door, and in an instant, both Kaiba brothers were gone, leaving Jonouchi behind to his thoughts. He didn't know really if he wanted to see Mokuba again soon, considering the possibility that he might see Kaiba there as well, but then again, he made a promise. A dumb, quick promise, but he wasn't the sort to not follow through with one after giving it.

No, that would be a shit thing to do. Watching as Mokuba walked out the door, Jonouchi made up his mind to see the kid again once he had the money for the train ride into the city. It wasn't too expensive to get a ticket. Unfortunately, dinner was probably going to leave him a little drained.

Or not. After counting the money Kaiba had dropped, he saw that it was enough to cover both meals and a decent tip. That guy was impossible to figure out. He'd spit in Jonouchi's face and then treat him like a friend. So long as he didn't ask for it, of course. He could be vindictive as hell if he was asked for anything. Or worse, if he offered something and was refused. Jonouchi remembered very clearly several instances of both situations.

He finished eating alone, standing and leaving once he was finished. It was getting dark, and he wanted to be home before the sun set. The only good thing about being so paranoid now was that the whole way home, he didn't think about Kaiba at all. Jonouchi knew he'd probably end up obsessing further on, when he was alone in his bedroom in the dark and felt safe enough to think about it. Because despite how much Kaiba pissed him off, he was still pretty damn attractive. Even that pissed Jonouchi off, but it made his blood run hot at the same time. It wasn't a good combination.

To his great relief, he made it home without incident. Jonouchi locked the door behind him, turning the bolt and hooking the chain before shuffling to his bedroom. He was still sleeping on a crappy futon —he wished he could afford a bed, but that wasn't happening for a long time, and he knew it.

Lying down, Jonouchi sighed and stared at the ceiling. He felt surprisingly tired, but he wasn't going to complain. He'd need his energy for work the next day, and he didn't want to be awake all night dealing with straying thoughts. Or worse, fantasies. Jonouchi simply couldn't deal with any more of that. Not tonight, anyway. If it really had to, his brain could torment him further in the morning.