A|N:

Look I wrote stuff. Thangs! I'm working on being more productive! Hopefully I get to finish all my unfinished work, at least that's the plan XD

The languages used in this story was Irish, Spanish, Russian and Italian! Just in case anyone is curious!

BDS isn't not mine, I only own Emily! R&R away my loves !

Revenge was not the way of my boys. It was not the Lords way. Being a Saint meant much more to them, on a level that maybe I just didn't understand. If I wanted to really be apart of this, to get the assholes who killed my grandfather then I would have to understand what that means. What it meant to me. Part of me needed revenge, craved for it, but I was losing sight of what was important. I needed to grow up.

Not just for myself, but for my boys.

"And Shepherds we shall be
For thee, my Lord, for thee.
Power hath descended forth from Thy hand
That our feet may swiftly carry out Thy commands.
So we shall flow a river forth to Thee
And teeming with souls shall it ever be.

In Nomine Patri, Et Fili..."

As the gun clicked and her finger steadied on the trigger, Emily's world froze. She stood there in silence, unable to finish the pray and her hands now trembling. Her eyes widen, listening to the man at the other end of her gun praying in spanish as his cried unmanly tears of fear.

I can do this.. I can do this.. I can-

With a gasp for air and tears forming in her eyes Emily lowered the gun, turning the safety back on before taking a few steps away from Raúlito and dropping the gun entirely. "I can't... I can't do it."

Murphy and Connor looked at each other for a moment, before walking over to Emily. Murphy put his hand on her back to comfort her while Connor picked up the gun.

"It's alright lass, we won't think any less of ya. Ain't that right, Murph?" Connor replied as he tucked her gun away between his pants.

Murphy looked at Connor and nodded in agreement. "Aye, he's right Em."

"Pollas de mierda!" Raúlito yelled from where he was on the floor with hands tied behind his back. "Voy a matar a los dos! Y su perra!"

"Now, now Raúlito," Connor smirked and he walked back to the Spic, taking the safety off his beretta. "No seas duro con ella."

With a fire in his eyes, Murphy walked over to his brother to join him. Both of them now standing behind him. "Además, no es que vamos a evitar. Ah si?"

"Espera! No! Oh, Dios mío, por favor!" Realizing the fate that was about to fall upon him Raúlito started to scream and panic. "NO!"

"Spiritus Sancti."

"I failed you guys..." Emily sulked into their bed with the sheets draped over he shoulders, pulling them closer to hide her body. She was so embarrassed. All that talk about wanting to be a Saint... to know the prayer, and when she had a chance to prove herself and get her vengeance for Doc, she chickened out. "I feel like such a fuck up."

"Nonsense, mo ghile, taking a life isn't for every one." Murphy replied as he drank his coffee by the pool table.

Romeo was midway into chewing a on bagel when Connor smacked his back, causing him to almost gag on his food. "Aye, ya could of cried like a bitch like someone else in the room. Ain't that right, Rom?"

"Ya know what! One of these days I'ma have to save both your asses and you're gonna be begging for my forgiveness when I decided not to!" Romeo growled reaching his hand out to smack Connor back. The two of them started to rough house over the table while Murphy brought over a coffee for Emily.

"Just don't sweat it, mo ghrá, ye can try again if ye want to but it's no rush." Murphy handed the coffee off to Em, but not before giving her a kiss on the forehead. "Foighne, okay?"

"Tá mé tuirseach de foighne." Emily grumbled as she sipped her coffee, "Ba chóir dom a bheith níos fearr ná sin."

"Sta di essere drammatico." Connor smiled as he continued to play around with Romeo. They were both standing now, Connor trying to make a fool out of Romeo as they play fought. He had the other man in a head lock as Romeo tried to fight back.

Murphy turned around to she what his brother was doing and laughed. "Govorit odin boretsya meksikantsa."

"Estás hablando de mí, no es usted?" Romeo blurted out as he tried to smack Connor off of him. "Dios, hombre, yo te rindas!"

With one finally laugh Connor let go of Romeo, who fell to the floor trying to catch his breath. "Don't be such a bitch, Rom."

"Besides, I'm sure it was me they were talking about." Emily muttered with a small smirk from where she sipped her coffee.

Connor sat back down at the pool table to finish the rest of his food, "Now, lass, where on earth did you get that idea?"

"Hmm, I wonder." Emily mocked Connor's cocky attitude, Irish accent and all, as her smile started to grow.

Murphy chuckled as he sat back down across from his brother, and Romeo was soon to follow. Connor sighed, slumping back into his stool. "I'm kidding, ye focks! Good lord!"

"No .. Granda.. please! I'm sorry.. Grand- No!" Emily jumped out of the bed, with her hand grasped over her chest. As she tried to catch her breath, her head looked from side to side making sure that she didn't wake up the boys. With a sigh of relief she smiled when she realized they were both out like a light. On the other side of the room she could hear Romeo snoring.

She was lucky they were all heavy enough sleepers, that meant none of them had had heard her scream in her sleep for the last week.

Carefully Emily got out of the bed, and grabbed the nearest jacket. It was Murphy's, it smelled just like him. Well that, and an over abundance of cigarettes. She held the jacket closed as she made her way over to the fire escape, she opened the window and sat outside on the stairs. The hustle and bustle that could be heard at even at two in the morning was relaxing to her. As she buried her face into Murphy's coat she inhaled deep, letting the boys smell put her at ease.

Engrossed with the noise of the city around her, Emily didn't even notice that someone was at the window watching her until a knock on the glass had her almost jumping out of her skin. When she turned around she sighed, it was only Connor.

"Sweet Jesus, Em, it's only me dear." Connor smiled as he climbed out of the window and stood next to her. He pulled a pack of cigarettes out of her picket as well as as his lighter. "Can't sleep, álainn?"

She watched as he lighted his cigarette and put it to his lips. "I keep having the same nightmare, about my Granda.."

As Connor exhaled he sighed, "I miss him too, Em. Doc meant a lot to me and Murph. Long before we knew ya, he ways always family to us."

"My parents are gone, I have no other family. He was all I had left. Now I'm the only one in my family left standing.." Emily rested her head on her chin as she stared out into the distance in front of her. "I should of been the one to shoot The Spic yesterday, not you two."

"Killing someone isn't like learning to ride a bike, Em. Some people aren't made to do it." Connor tried to explain the best he could. "We won't think less of ya if ye can't do it."

"But I wanted to.. or at least I wanted to." Emily put her hand out, letting him know she wanted the cigarette. He was hesitant at first, not wanting to introduce her to yet another poison. But after a minute or two he handed it over. "I wanted revenge, for the old man, but that's not what being a Saint is about..." She sat up as she put the cigarette to her lips and inhaled, letting the smoke out as she removed it from her lips. "I abused the gift ya gave me, I shouldn't have done that."

"But ye learned your lesson, álainn, that's what mattered." He was right, she didn't pull that trigger out of rage. Guess that made her a better person than she thought.

"I want another chance, to redeem myself." Emily told him, staring at the cigarette in her hand. After a second she handed it back to Connor, not wanting it anymore and feeling silly for asking for it in the first place. "The next one, I will do. I promise."

Connor smiled as he took the cigarette back, he didn't want her to have it anyway. "Okay then, lass, then who do you think our next target should be."

"Lucia and Vienna." Emily answered without hesitation, "They've had it coming for a real fucking long time. And doing them, will get the Mad Father's attention. As well as that fat fuck, Big Vin."

"Sounds like a plan. Raúlito wasn't related, if ya want ta get their attention we gotta get them where it hurts." Connor agreed as he put the cig to his lips.

Emily rested her head back on her knees, rubbing her face into Murphy's jacket, "Don't ya worry someone will get the same idea with us.."

Connor started to cough as he put the cigarette out, she definitely had caught him by surprise. He hit his chest trying to clear this throat. "I try not ta think about that, mo ghrá. Besides, I would never let anyone hurt ya lass. Or Murphy and Rom." Connor made his way next to Emily and wrapped an arm around her, resting his head on hers. "Cónaíonn mo chroí ar do shon." He moves his free arm to her knees, holding her body close to his to share body heat. "As long as I'm here, nothing will ever happen to you."

"You can't promise that, Conn. Níl a fhios agat." Emily nuzzled her head into his, finding comfort in his arms.

"Tá sé fíor. Feicfidh tú a fheiceáil." Connor kissed her forehead with a smile plastered to his lips. He got to his feet and headed back to the window. Half way through he turned around and let out his hand for Emily to grab. "Ya got ta believe, lass."

With a smile Emily grabbed his hand, following him back to bed. "I do."

I know now that vengeance was not the way. If I'm gonna do this then I'm gonna do it right. I'm going to do this for my boys, to keep them safe. Because they need me as much as I do them.