Title: I Can't Live this Way

Anime: Aki Sora

Pairing: AkiSora

Written after episode 1 of Aki Sora

Aki-nee-chan and I have a relationship that nobody would understand. I'm jealous that she can be so sure of what she wants, while I'm always afraid and being let down by the thoughts in my head. Society would condemn us, our family would disown us… and the only thing really that makes me end up doing sexual things with her is that she comes onto me first. Otherwise, I'm receding into an unbreakable shell, trying to free myself somehow.

Nobody can hear me screaming for help, because it's only being said in my mind. It's silent buzzing in the back of my mind that is accompanied with guilt, anguish, and knowing full and well that what we're doing is wrong.

She doesn't understand. I tell her sometimes that we shouldn't. I dare to say, "Maybe another time," just so I can be alone for awhile. She thinks she's not trying hard enough, and it all becomes worse for me.

We've nearly been caught by people at school, in public anywhere, and at home by Nami. What do I do to make it stop? How do I make it stop? She'll be more hurt by this than I am. We aren't using protection because she wants to feel closer to me. She's obsessed, and I'm afraid. The little voice in her head is the devil in disguise, whispering ever-lasting lies of, "This is okay. Nothing about this is wrong," thus, she continues on.

Catch us, somebody. Please. Somebody brings Aki-nee-chan to her senses. I can't, so someone else has to do it. I can't be a man and tell her no because I am a man. It's because of that hardening sword that she always takes advantage of me.

Is it consensual? Is it really? I'm confused about that, myself. It feels good, so I want it. She beautiful, so I want it. But… do I need it? If I had to carry on without it, would I be fine? Would she be fine?

Wanting somebody to save me is pitiful, but my heart has become heavy. I'm always in a state of bliss when we have sex together, but what used to be an afterglow of peace, love, and sureness has turned bitter and cold. Afterwards, I want to pull myself away from her, and take a bath, trying to scrub myself clean of her. I can't, though. She wakes up if I try to move out of her arms, and if I say that I want a bath, she'll go with me. There's no escape.

If she gets pregnant, it's all over. The family will find out, and it'll end painfully for us. She's my big sister, so I don't want her to hurt. I'd take all the blame if I had to, but I want her suffering left out of it.

Please… somebody help me… I can't live this way anymore…