An idea that I couldn't shake after listening closely to "Today I've lost you" from Take That. I simply had to write it :)

I still don't own The Good Wife :(

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The elevator door closed in front of him. He already regretted coming here. He should've known it was too early to talk to her. But he had to come, had to try to get her to agree to talk to him. He had said all the wrong things to her. He closed his eyes and exhaled deeply. The image of her telling him to say something that would make her fall in love with him again was still visible to him and it hurt him deeply. He still had thought she loved him, certainly not as much as she had loved him before he destroyed their happiness, but he had hoped she still had deeper feelings for him.

He was no longer sure about that. He had seen the hurt and anger in her eyes and cursed himself that he was the reason for that. He wondered when he had last seen her happy, really happy so the smile was not only on her lips, but also reached her eyes and chased all the hurt, that seemed to have manifested in them since she had learnt about his unfaithfulness, away. He couldn't remember. He wondered if everybody could see it, if she always had this sadness in her gaze. Or was this something that was only present when she looked at him?

He opened his eyes and realized he had reached the parking garage floor. The doors were about to close again. He managed to slip through them, marveling how long he had stood in there, caught in his own thoughts.

He reached his car and got in not really knowing where to go. He no longer had a home. And with home he didn't think about the apartments and houses he had called home during his life. Since Alicia had been with him, anything had been home to him as long as he got to go to sleep with her next to him. So he knew he would never call anyplace his home as long as she wasn't any longer by his side. Would he ever call anything home ever again?

He finally put the key into the ignition and drove slowly out of the garage, contemplating where to go. He couldn't wait to be back in office again, then he at least could stay late at work and only had to go to his apartment to sleep. He sighed deeply and thought for a moment to visit his mother. But he dismissed the idea immediately. He had already heard enough of her complaints. He hated that she solely accused Alicia, when he was the one to blame. But he lacked the strength to argue with her about that at the moment.

He drove through the city aimlessly, dreading to return to that empty apartment, that Alicia had rented for him. Being in there made him feel totally alone. Not even in prison he had felt that lonely, because he had known that when he got out he'd still have his family to come home to. Now even that was lost to him.

He closed his eyes for a moment, stopping at a red light. His previous conversation or rather fight with Alicia echoed in his head. He could kick himself to have mentioned Will Gardner. Although he strongly suspected that Alicia had feelings for Will, he had no proof she had ever acted on them. He had only said it to her face to distract from the fact he was the guilty party here. Looking back he felt ashamed of that and would do anything to take it back. But he couldn't. Just like with everything else he had done and now regretted deeply. Suddenly a loud noise jerked him from his musings. He looked up and realized the light in front of him had turned green. He apologetically waved to the driver behind, who had honked at him and sped away.

He finally steered the car in the direction of his apartment. He couldn't drive around all night. His mood got darker the nearer he got to the place he lived now.

He took the elevator up to his floor and as soon as he stepped over the threshold a deafening silence greeted him. He doubted he would ever like living here. So far he had only bad memories of this place. The worst he could ever imagine, as this might be the place his marriage ended for real. He walked over to the stairs and sat down on the steps, looking around in the still unfamiliar surroundings. The boxes Alicia had packed his things in stood in the same place, yet unopened. He had not had the strength to unpack them. He really detested this place and every time he spent more than five minutes in the living room all he could hear in his head was Alicia's voice telling him she had moved him out of her apartment. She had looked so broken. Just thinking about it made his heart clench. Once again he wished he had mustered the courage to come clean about all his failings right after she had learnt he went to a hooker. But as much as he wished he had not committed these mistakes, he could not change the past. He could only learn from his shortcomings. He remembered an old saying:

"If you love someone, set them free. If they come back it is meant to be"

Maybe he could take this to heart and try to make right by Alicia. He would attempt to be patient and hope Alicia could forgive and trust him again some day.

He knew it might be a hollow hope, but he needed something to cling to in order to carry on. And he had learnt tonight that probably nothing he could say would make her change her mind, maybe his actions could. A small smile crossed his lips. The first one in days. He got up and began to unpack the boxes to start what he not expected to be a new life but hopefully a better one.