TRIGGER WARNING: ANOREXIA.
I'm not mocking it in any way, but I know the slightest things can be triggering.
Read/Review this horrible stuff. :D
/
It's hard to watch the boy you're oh-so-helplessly in love with be totally oblivious to your feelings. Ally knows this all too well.
Even with that knowledge, she wasn't prepared for the shattering pain of him getting a girlfriend. A beautiful one at that. A slender, blonde, gorgeous girlfriend.
She could hear the whistles that emitted from various boys as they walked through the mall. Even Dez commented on how practically perfect she was.
"God, I'd give anything to look like that," Trish said, when they were eating lunch at Mini's.
"Like what?" Ally said, popping another small sized hot dog into her mouth.
"Like MacKenzi. Twig small with the angel blonde hair to match," Trish said.
"Trish, you're beautiful anyway," Ally said. "Besides, you don't have to be blonde and that skinny to be pretty."
"According to Austin, you do. Have you seen the girls he dates?" Trish said.
Ally brushed it off. Austin wasn't that shallow.
He wasn't.
/
New week, new girlfriend. None of them asked what happened to MacKenzi, then again, none of them really cared.
Ally was finding it really hard to be that supportive best friend when the next girl waltzed in the door, with sparkling blue eyes and bright, sunny blonde hair. As much as she wanted not to believe Trish, it was becoming more and more difficult to ignore.
Crystal, what a perfect name for an again perfect girl, was actually very nice. She even offered to lend Ally some of her clothes after Ally had complimented her. Ally wanted to like her, really, and she was sure some part of her did. But there was still that part deep inside of her, that selfish vain part, that hated Crystal with every fiber of her being. Ally shrugged it off as mere jealousy.
As Team Austin ate along with her, Ally noticed how much Crystal looked in a compact mirror, readjusting her hair every ten or so minutes. It wasn't the first girl she'd seen do it, but it still sparked a tinge of curiosity in her.
Were all girls supposed to do that? Or just the really pretty, perfect ones?
/
By the fourth girl, Ally hadn't even bothered to learn her name.
This one neglected to be as nice as any of the others. She was a shallow, conniving, stuck-up brat. Ally could finally feel hatred to one of his girlfriends and not feel bad about it.
Well, she felt a little bad about it. Hatred isn't a very ladylike thing.
"Ugh, Austin, you know I can't eat this! There's too many carbs in it!" his girlfriend yelled, while they were sitting in the food court.
Then again, she wasn't very ladylike either. While Austin scurried off to find her a salad, she sat her mirror down and eyed Ally.
"Do you like my boyfriend?" she asked.
No hesitation. No sincerity. Just a cut-throat question.
"What? No. Austin and I are just friends," Ally answered.
His girlfriend snorted and went back to fixing her make-up. "Duh."
"..What does that mean?" she said, folding her arms.
"Well, no offense sweetie, but you're not exactly girlfriend material. If you want to be with Austin Moon, you've got to fit his image."
She snapped her make-up mirror closed.
"And how do I do that?" Ally said. It wasn't really a question she was looking for an answer to. Ally just wanted to know what this girl thought.
She snorted again, this time letting out a giggle. "When you look like me, I'll get back to you."
Austin came back, setting the salad down and kissing his girlfriend on her cheek. He smiled at Ally.
"I…I have to go," Ally said, grabbing her cup.
Maybe Trish was right.
/
When she got home, she reduced herself to her underclothing and examined herself in the mirror.
Maybe what's-her-face was right. She'd never really looked at it before, but she was a little pudgy around the waist. She didn't have the smooth complexion MacKenzi and Crystal had. And she wasn't a blonde haired, blue eyed, beauty. She had frizzy, unkempt brown hair.
She wasn't pretty. She was an ugly, awkward, fat mess.
She looked at the milkshake she was drinking from their lunch earlier.
Too many carbs.
Ally threw it in the garbage. From now on, she'd try her hardest not to eat carbs, whatever those were.
She examined her face in the mirror again.
Step 1 to being girlfriend material: borrow some make-up from Trish.
/
She collected as much make-up from Trish as possible. Trish took two hours applying the make-up to her face. Ally really had no idea what she was doing, but she was intent on being girlfriend material.
When she stepped back and looked in the mirror, she still didn't like what she saw, but Trish said she looked absolutely gorgeous.
Ally didn't believe it.
/
No one commented on her make-up. Dez's eyebrows hunched up a little bit, but Austin didn't look twice.
He saw her, she knew it.
She still just wasn't pretty enough.
"How can you eat that?" his girlfriend questioned, looking at how Ally was slightly chewing on a slice of pizza.
"With her mouth, duh," Dez said.
She rolled her eyes, and re-focused her attention on Ally. "That's so full of carbs. No wonder,"
"No wonder what?" Ally asked.
She smiled her crooked, twisted, sly smile. "Nothing, sweetie."
Ally's throat went dry. Scooting herself closer to the table, so no one could see past her chest, she grabbed at her stomach under the table.
There was so much fat.
It had to go.
/
She's surprised no one noticed but Austin when she turned down a pickle.
Well, she thought he noticed. He hunched an eyebrow, but with Queen Coldblood by his side, he didn't say anything. Or maybe he just didn't care.
Why would he care about her?
She pushed her dry salad aside. She didn't feel like eating.
The orange juice on her empty stomach felt like a thousand tiny daggers stabbing into her, and it soon joined the dry salad.
Not even Trish bothered to say anything when she didn't touch a piece of the strawberry cheesecake in front of them.
Maybe she wasn't as important in Team Austin as she thought.
Or maybe, she just wasn't important at all.
/
Austin broke up with Queen Coldblood (that was her official name now, since Ally never actually learned it).
Five days later, there was another similar looking beauty in her place. She's not sure where he keeps finding them actually. There's gotta be some shop for them. However, she's done with getting to know them. She's completely focused on becoming girlfriend material.
She refuses to look at a scale. Until she's physically skinnier, she's not going to actually measure herself.
Besides, skinnier is better. She'll be pretty and she might have Austin.
She's noticed there's bags under her eyes, but she's not quite sure what they're from.
She just brushes more make-up over them.
Better to conceal them, with all the other flaws.
/
He's gone 2 weeks without a girlfriend. It's either a new record or a miracle, she's not sure which.
She's gone 4 weeks in her no carbs diet. She can literally count the things she's eaten in the past 2 weeks on two hands. The gnawing hunger she had at first had gone down, a lot. She felt more bloated than anything.
She was eating too much, she was sure of it. She had to cut down.
She drank as much bottled water as possible on the treadmill, ignoring the phone call from Trish.
Ally would apologize later.
/
She checked the scale this morning.
She'd dropped 10 pounds.
It wasn't enough.
It was never enough.
/
"Ally, are you okay?"
The question broke her out of her daydream.
She'd been doing that a lot lately, drifting off into space.
"I'm fine, why?" she answered, avoiding Trish's glossy gaze.
"You don't seem fine. You haven't touched your sandwhich."
Now you notice?
"I'm just not hungry," Ally said, taking another sip of her water.
/
After getting off the treadmill, she put a hand to her hair, only to find some rub off in the palm of her hand.
Great. It's so ugly, it's falling off of you. You're so ugly, Ally.
The little voice was starting to come in more and more. She examined her hair in the mirror, as she had done with her waist and face.
See, Ally. Austin isn't into girls who have ugly, brown hair.
She shook her head and drove to the nearest convenience store.
/
She looked in the mirror at her freshly blonde hair.
It was so…thin. But if this was what he found pretty, it was pretty.
"Ally, what happened to your hair?" Trish asked. Her eyes almost bulged out of her head.
"I dyed it. Blonde," she said. "You..you don't like it?"
"No, no, I love it, but..why?"
"I..just wanted a change."
Liar.
/
He didn't react very well to her hair.
She didn't react very well to his reaction.
"Oh my god, what did you do?" he asked.
She clenched her fingers into her palms.
You're too ugly. The hair dye didn't work.
"What do you mean?" she asked, trying to smile and push back the voice in her head.
"Your hair…it's…"
She didn't stick around long enough for him to finish. She brushed the tears streaming down her face and ran to the nearest bathroom.
/
She stuck her head in the sink, turning the water on and desperately trying to rinse the dye out of her hair.
You're not pretty enough, Ally.
She wasn't sure if the water rolling down her cheeks was from the drain water or the tears she'd been repressing.
Ally couldn't hear herself sob over the sound of the water pouring down her face. It almost felt good to not be able to hear anything.
The water became too intense and started burning her face, but she didn't switch the faucet. It got harder and harder to breathe.
She eventually stuck her head up, too enthralled by the sensation to notice the blood coming from the back of her head from where her head hit the edge of the faucet.
She put two fingers to the back of her head, seeing it after it had started to drip.
Since when had she bled so easily?
/
She dropped another 10 pounds. She was practically racking her mind. After everything she did, shouldn't she have lost more by now?
Her mind dawned back to science class, which she proudly had an A in.
Austin doesn't like Geeks.
"That's it! Your body enters starvation mode, only taking in the carbs from what you eat!" she yelled to the empty room.
It brought to her attention she was lacking on exercise.
/
She started jogging at 5:30.
She wouldn't stop until midnight. Then, she could go home and work on the treadmill.
That's not enough.
Ally hadn't planned on it raining, though. She hadn't planned on Austin coming at 8 either, riding up behind her with his hoodie on his skateboard.
"Ally?! What the hell are you doing out here, it's pouring down!" he yelled.
She ignored him and kept jogging.
"Ally, stop!" he said, riding by her on the skateboard. "You're shivering, you've got to be cold."
He carefully wrapped his hoodie around her, gripping her shoulders to get her to stop running.
"Let go!" she yelled. "I have to.."
Her legs collapsed from under her and she passed out on the concrete.
"Ally!"
/
You're hopeless, Ally.
Why would Austin want to put up with you?
Look at you. You're a mess.
Ally shot her eyes open, not waiting for them to focus on her surroundings. She hopped up out of the bed she was in - not acknowledging the fact it wasn't her own - and looked around.
"Morning," Austin said, running a hand through his hair.
"Hi," she said. She was in no mood for banter.
He sat down on the bed, smiling his goofy smile. "Ally, I've known you for a long time. I've always known you were weird, but jogging? In the rain? What was that about?"
See, you're weird. Everyone knows it, even Austin.
She bit her lip, trying to strangle that voice. He didn't mean it that way.
He couldn't have.
"I just needed to exercise."
You're such an awful liar.
"No more jogging in the rain. You're pretty heavy, Als. I had to carry you all the way back here," he said, placing a hand on her thigh.
See? You're heavy. You stupid, fat, ugly, worthless piece of shit, Ally.
/
"Ally, are you okay?" Trish asked, yet again.
"Yeah," she said, trying to get her fingers to wrap around the guitar's handle. For some reason they wouldn't.
They're too fat to fit, that's it Ally.
"You know what Anorexia is, right, Ally?" Trish said.
"Anorexia Nervosa, immoderate food restriction and irrational fear of gaining weight," she said. "We learned about it in Health freshman year."
"Um, right. Well..you're not..one of those, are you?"
Ally shot her head up. "What the hell, Trish?"
Trish jumped back at the comment. Ally Dawson never cursed.
"Calm down, I'm just asking. You haven't been eating lately, and.."
"So because I've been trying to cut down, you think I'm fucking anorexic? I'm not a freak, Trish!"
"I never said you were!" Trish yelled. "Whatever, text me when you calm down."
Trish stormed out of the store, slamming the door on her way out.
See what you do, Ally? You push everyone away.
No one loves you.
/
Ally didn't mean to snap at him. It just happened.
She was trying to focus on a new song, and Austin had come up behind her and grabbed her, like he'd done so many times before.
Only this time, she pulled away and yelled at him.
"How many times have I told you NOT to mess with me when I'm working on a song?!"
"I'm sorry, Als. I just...never mind. Call me if you need me," he said, exiting the store.
He didn't slam the door, but it made a louder noise than when Trish had to her.
You stupid idiot.
/
She hated herself.
She couldn't stand the way she looked, the way she acted.
Why couldn't life had given her a beautiful body, or a beautiful personality like so many others were blessed with?
She's never been good enough. Not good enough for him, not good enough for anyone.
She was a freak. A stupid, ugly, useless freak.
/
She hadn't answered any of their texts. Ally hadn't actually seen them in over a week, and her inbox was filled with texts from Dez, Austin, even Trish.
She stopped in Billl's surf shop, and dialed voice mail, just in case her mom or dad called. The first one that came up was Austin's, from earlier today.
Hey Als. I know we kind of had a fight, but I was hungry and I made pancakes. There's too much here for me, so I was wondering if you wanted to come get some? If you want..She almost smiled. There were never too many pancakes for Austin Moon, and she knew that.
The taste of pancakes truly repulsed her at this moment, but she actually considered his offer.
Trish, Dez, and I are worried about you. I'm worried about you. If you get this, please call me back. I have to talk to you about something.
His voice rang in her ears before she lost feeling in her legs.
She hit the ground with a thud, turning attention to the several other customers in the store.
"Dude, she's not breathing!"
/
She forced her eyelids open, but they refused to stay. They flickered on and off before she just gave up.
She felt cold. Weak. She couldn't feel her legs anymore.
The only warmth she felt was in her left hand, something bigger was covering it.
A hand.
Austin's hand.
/
She blinked her eyes open, and this time, they opened easily. Ally put her hand to her head, only to find three IVs attached to her wrist.
"Ally!" Austin said, taking her hand in his. "You…you're okay."
"Of course I am. Can I go home now?" she said.
Austin shook his head. "Ally...you're in the hospital. You fainted."
"But I'm fine."
"No…no you're not. Did you hear the doctors? You haven't been eating, Als. You…you've been starving yourself. They think you're anorexic!"
"I'm not...anorexic. I wasn't...starving myself. I just wanted to cut down. I wanted to be skinny," Ally said.
"Bullshit!"
His tone slightly scared her, but he buried his head in his hands, and her guard dropped.
"Ally, you had absolutely nothing in your stomach. They thought they had to pump it, but there was NOTHING in it. This bullshit about you being skinny. You were skinny! You were perfect the way you were!"
She felt a tear drop down her face.
"Ally. You have to stop. You can't do this anymore. Stop. Eat, please. You have to stop doing this, or you're gonna die. You hear that? They said you're going to die," he said, voice dripping with concern. "You…you can't do that to me, Als. You have to stay here. With me."
He tightened his grip on her hand. She cleared her throat, but it was still dry.
"But I wasn't…I'm not…pretty enough," she breathed out. "That's why I did this. I dyed my hair.. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I'm not beautiful."
He brought his head up slowly, and stared at her in disbelief.
"How could you think you're not beautiful? You're the most gorgeous girl I've ever laid eyes on, blonde hair or not!"
"That's a lie," she dryly spit out. "You never looked at me! It's always them, the blonde, skinny ones. Like Crystal, or Kim, or whatever the hell their names were. It was never me!"
"That's different," he said under his breath.
"How is it different?!" Ally screamed. "I'm not good enough for you!"
"Yes you are!" he yelled. He sighed and his voice lowered. "You've always been good enough. You're too good."
"Why…why not me? What's wrong with me?" she said, voice cracking.
"Nothing! Nothing is wrong with you Ally! I am in love with you, Ally! I was trying to get OVER you, practically throwing myself at every girl that walked into my cousin's club! Then I get a call saying you passed out in Billl's surf shop and you WEREN'T BREATHING! What do you think that did to me? I should've noticed! I should've said something, should've been there, I should've stopped you from doing this to yourself!"
Her eyes gazed open.
"You…you love me?"
Before he could say anything, she repeated herself.
"You said you love me. Do you mean it?"
"Of course," he said, tucking a loose strand of hair behind her ear. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said it. I've ruined everything."
He went to pull away, and she tightened her grip on his hand, no matter how weak she was.
"I love you, too."
Tears welled up in his eyes as he drew closer to her. "Please, don't go. Don't die, Ally."
"No one's going to die, Austin," she breathed out.
"That's not enough. Promise me you'll stop, Als," he said, and his eyes narrowed. His tone thickened to something more serious and lethal than she'd ever heard. "Promise me."
"I promise," Ally said. "I'm going to stop…"
Her eyes thickened, and she felt them dropping heavily.
"Ally?" he yelled.
"Ally?!"
/
"Austin, what happened?!" Trish yelled.
"They…they gave her nutrients, and her body couldn't hold them because she hadn't eaten anything and she went into shock," he said.
"What?!" she yelled. "Is she okay?!"
"They took her into the back room..she flat-lined, Trish. She flat-lined!"
He could feel tears steadily streaming down his face but he didn't care. He pressed his face against the window and tried to recall the warmth of her skin.
All he felt was the cool glass.
/
When the doctors wheeled her out and assured she'd be fine, assured she lived, he could've sworn that he felt his heart stop.
Austin saw her bed being dragged through the hall, and he raced up to it, coming between the doctors and her. He gripped onto her hand and saw her smile.
"You're okay, Als," he said, trying to catch his breath.
"Of course I am, I promised," she said, with a weak smile.
He grinned, kissing her on the lips, despite the fact they were still rolling through the hallway. She was too weak to kiss back, but she put her hand on the back of his neck and squeezed his hand.
/
"I'll be okay, Austin," she said, once they were safely back in her room.
"I know," he said. "And I'll be okay. Because I have you."
He gently planted a kiss on her forehead. She smiled.
"You're really cheesy, you know that?"
"I'll admit to it."
/
The hospital lunch came around and they brought her a sandwich and a small side of fruit. She'd finally been given enough tube nutrients to eat a small, basic diet.
Ally felt a lump catch in her throat looking at the throat. She looked back to Austin, who was smiling, and took his hand in hers.
He gently rubbed his thumb over her knuckles. Collecting all of her strength, realizing Austin was there for her, she sat up and grabbed at the tray.
She bit into the sandwich and she could hear him sigh happily.
/
He pushed the wheelchair out of the hospital doors.
Finally. She could go home. With his support, she slowly regained balance on both of her legs, walking into the house.
As he helped her up the stairs into her bedroom, she stopped to look in the mirror. The voice rang in her ears again.
You're beautiful.
/
A/N: So..how was that? I'd love it for you guys to review, maybe. Yeah, that'd be nice.
It killed me to write this by the way.
Leave me a request!
~rebel