The Easter Bunny trudged up to the Ark and knocked on the door, standing there squinting and shaking the sand out of his feet while scratching himself.
He was disheveled and groggy, drinking steadily for three days and he looked it. Heavy bags under is eyes, red eyed, unshaven and hunched shoulders...he could really care less.
"C'mon on, c'mon! For cryin' out loud!" he banged again.
The door slid back and Bumblebee stepped out, shielding his eyes in the glare of the desert sun where the Autobots fortress ship rested in the base of a mountain.
"Hello?" he asked but then he noted the high pitch keening in the air and stepped back in alarm.
The Easter Bunny rolled back and forth on the ground, clutching his squished toes and howling in pain as Bumblebee took his foot away
"For fuck sake! Are you kidding me?!" The bunny roared.
"Oh my goodness!"
"Watch where you're going! Shit!"
"I am sorry. We were not expecting company." Bumblebee reached down and gathered up the small mammal off the ground.
"Is there any serious damage?" He asked, genuinely concerned as he brought the Easter Bunny inside.
The Easter Bunny sighed and slumped back to stare at the ceiling, his basket hanging by one arm as Bumblebee held him up delicately in both hands.
"Just take me to Optimus Prime and the Autobots."
"You have found the Autobots." Bumblebee pleasantly declared as the door slid shut behind him.
"No shit."
Together they walked down the long curving corridor towards Autobot central.
"I would like to welcome you on their behalf." Bumblebee went on, carrying the bunny gently and studying him as he walked.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah."
"I'm sorry but there's no smoking in here."
"Well, ain't that a fuckin' surprise! You want me to take my shoes off and bow, too?"
"You're not wearing any shoes."
"You noticed that huh?"
The corridor echoed as the two walked deeper into the base, Bumblebee happily launching into a recounting of the peaceful Autobots, their mission on Earth and their long struggle against tyranny.
Finally the doors to Autobot central slid back and Bumblebee stepped inside among his other peaceful Autobot brethren.
"What do you have there, Bumblebee?" Hound called out.
"He claims he is the Easter Bunny." Bumblebee replied as he walked up to the main conference table and lowered the bunny down, who looked up at him with a disgusted sneer.
"I don't claim anything, piss pot." He jumped off in a huff. "Geez, will someone get me away from Forest Gump, here?"
"That's just Bumblebee." Bluestreak answered as several other medium sized Autobot's stopped what they were doing and gathered around.
"Yeah, I know. How many hamsters does he go through a week?" The bunny thumped down his basket and tipped back his flask.
"Oh my. Given our arid climate the consumption of alcohol only increases the rate of dehydration." Preceptor was standing there, raising a finger studiously.
The bunny lowered his flask and scratched his tail.
"Well how about you go get me a glass of water, Brainiac?"
"Of course."
As Preceptor bundled away the bunny slipped his glasses on and pulled out a long list from his back pocket and cleared his throat.
"Okay. I have a list here for a candy delivery. Is there an Optimus Prime around?"
A larger door slid back and Prime came striding through with Prowl and Wheeljack in tow.
The other Autobots parted for him as he came up the table, the bunny looking up over his glasses at him with bloodshot eyes.
"I am Optimus Prime. This is the headquarters of the Autobots and we welcome you. On behalf of the citizens of Cybertron I would like to express..."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah I heard this already." The disgusted bunny glanced around at the benign looking Autobot's, looking at his list and then back at them.
"You know, you guys should print up a pamphlet or somethin'. I'm supposed to deliver some candy to the 'peace loving Autobots' but no one said there was this many of you."
"There's more every week, depending on the cartoon." Sideswipe added.
"Huh?"
"What my autobot warrior is trying to say is that our colony of Autobots is currently expanding it's interest by..."
"Colony? Well that would explain it. You all look like you need some special koolaid." The bunny scratched himself most disrespectfully and belched, lowering his list and going for his flask.
"Koolaid?" Jazz looked around to the others who all shrugged.
"I believe our guest is inquiring about some refreshments." Prime intoned.
"I have it here!" Preceptor said as he bustled back up to the table and set a grimy little half full glass of brown water down by the Bunny's basket.
The Easter Bunny eyed this as he drank his whiskey and lowered his flask with a grimace.
"You call this water, man? Are you kidding me?"
"I do believe that is what we have in store." Preceptor answered.
"What did you do? Flush out a radiator? I've been trudging through the desert for two hours to get here and this is it? Do you know what the desert can do to a rabbit?"
"Actually the native desert cottontail is most proficient at utilizing it's limited supply of water given that it re-ingests it's own pellets for further nutrition and water content." Preceptor replied, wringing his hands nervously.
The Bunny frowned and pointed an accusing finger at him.
"Did you just tell me to eat shit, pal?"
"Umm, I'm afraid I don't..."
"Hoookay. No candy for, Wikipedia-tron. Christ, what are you guys? The last assholes tried to blow me away." The Bunny turned and grabbing his basket he dragged it down the table towards Optimus in an unsteady lurch.
"That would be our enemies, the Decepticons." Prime answered gravely
"Yeah, well about that." The bunny pulled his basket up and presented it to Optimus Prime with a little gesture from both paws.
"They did a fuck-all job looting me. All I have left is some black jelly beans and a few melted peeps. There ya go." He turned away with a shake of his head, reaching again for his flask as the Autobot's all leaned forward to peer into the basket.
"Are those pellets of black energon?" Ratchet frowned.
"So people tell me. Look, sorry guys, but thanks to Megatron and his goons, you're all SOL."
"What does that mean?" Prowl asked, looking up.
"Smiles for luck! Whatta ya think it means?" The bunny growled but to his surprise all the Autobot's around the table straightened up and happily flashed huge grins at him.
He look around, startled.
"Jesus Christ, it's no wonder why you're losin' the fuckin' war!"
"It was my understanding there was supposed to be a chocolate rabbit." Prime intoned behind him as Ratchet and Ironhide poked around in the basket.
The bunny turned around, his face red, his drunken temper rising.
"Oh, is that so? You want a chocolate bunny-wabbit, huh? I tell ya what, why don't ya back track the five miles I walked out here in a hundred fuckin' degrees and pick up all the little melted drops of chocolate on the way!"
"Excuse me?" Prime asked.
"I got you're fuckin' chocolate bunny right here!" and he grabbed his powder puff, presenting his ass to Prime.
"It seems our guest has suffered some distress." Preceptor stammered, looking up at Prime.
"Ya think? Where were guys when when that crazy mother fucker thrust a cannon in my face?! Huh?! Says here you poo-poo over that daddy's boy, Spike, but ya got no time for the Bunny, huh?!" and he shook his list at them before throwing it down on the table.
"Battle stress! I've seen it's type before!" Ironhide growled.
"Oh, I'm sure you have, pops. From a safe fuckin' distance!" The bunny walked down to the end of the table and the Autobot's parted for him.
He turned and raised both paws up in the air, middle fingers up.
"Fuck you guys, man! Bad enough I got to listen to ten thousand yuppie-larva whine for theirs thanks to Mega-fuckwad. But Optimus Pwime wants his wabbit!" he turned and jumped down, storming over to the door and they watched him go wordlessly.
He lurched suddenly next to the exit as the door slid back, clutching his stomach and doubling over.
"Blaarrrrrgh!" He spewed in a powerful little arch onto the steel floor. And lurching back up he wiped the back of his mouth with one paw, turning back to the Autobots.
"How about that? As colorful as an Easter Egg! Happy fuckin' Easter!" And the door boomed shut behind him.
The Autobot's stood around quietly, looking at each other now and then.
Wheeljack peered back over into the basket.
"Hey Ironhide, pass some of those black ones, would ya?"
"You don't even have a mouth!" Bumblebee sneered.
"Hey, fuck you kid!"
The End