Erbrechen

I love sleeping during the day time. It's always nice and noisy. Beeping car horns, screaming kids, obnoxiously powerful motorbike engines. It was like the perfect lullaby. I was practically asleep before I'd even made it onto the bed.

I had been planning on sleeping straight through the rest of the day and into the night since I had nothing better to do. It was either that or do something productive like a decent member of society. However, a few hours after I'd tucked myself in, I was bothered by a knock on my bedroom door and my Dad calling my name. Apparently he'd been calling me for some time since he sounded none too pleased to have to resort to actually getting up off the sofa to come and wake me up.

"What?!"

I screeched and threw the covers I'd been bundled in off the bed. My eyes were still closed and I as barely aware of what I was doing, like I was still technically asleep and my body was doing me the favour of taking charge in lieu of my absent brain.

"There's some boy out on our balcony. Any idea what that's about?"

It took me a second to process what he was talking about. Someone on the balcony? Who the fuck would be on the balcony? How the fuck would they even manage to climb up? Then, I remembered that Jesus fucking, horse dick sucking, son of dildo, Tai, who apparently had the worst fucking timing!

"Matthew, get up and get this pillock off my fucking balcony!"

"I'm up! Put your dick on a leash!"

I answered. Of course that loser would be the one to disturb me when I was finally comfortable. There was no one else it could have been. It was Saturday! It should have been my day off. But...noooo. Tai obviously did not understand the concept of weekends.

I stumbled out of bed like I'd been raised from the dead - arms held out and ready to grab the throat of the foolish human that dared to wake me - and grabbed a shirt from the floor to throw on. My dad had retreated back to his nest by the time I left my room. I walked right by him to see Tai waving at me manically from the balcony. With a yawn I pulled the door aside and frowned at him.

"Did I wake you up from a nap or something?"

he said, not sounding at all remorseful about doing so.

"Yeah, you did. What do you want?"

"There's a fair going on in Wanstead. Wanna go?"

he asked, smiling like he actually expected me to want to go. I sighed and leant against the door frame.

"A fair? Seriously? What are you - five?"

"Five at heart, maybe. Come on. It'll be fun."

"No."

"Please? I'll buy you food."

"Not hungry."

"I'll pay for the rides."

"That's not the point."

"Then, what can I bribe you with?"

"Your soul, maybe. Or, you know, money, like a normal person would use for a bribe."

"Let me tell you, your company is getting seriously expensive."

"Consider it an investment, if you fancy."

It was his turn to sigh now. He rubbed his face on his arm and shrugged.

"I really want to go and I really want you to go with me. I promise that as soon as you get bored we'll go home. Please? I've never been to a proper fair before."

he begged, clasping his hands together like he was praying to me. I growled in annoyance and rubbed my stinging eyes. On the one hand, I was really fucking tired and wanted nothing more than to tell him to fuck off and slink back to my bed. On the other hand, this was Tai we were talking about. If he wanted to do something I would not put it past him to actually break into my house and kidnap me in order to get what he wanted. So...I gave in, thinking that the least I could get out of this evening was a free meal of something other than toast or dry pasta.

"Fine."

I said with a huff and his eyes brightened tenfold.

"Really?!"

"Yeah, really, but you owe me massively. If I need to hide a dead body you're the one digging the hole, okay?"

He jokingly grimaced.

"I really hope it doesn't come to that."

"Yeah, well, you should expect the worst. I'm going to go get my shit together."

I took a step back towards my room and left the door open, thinking about what I needed to get together, when I realised that Tai wasn't doing anything. He was intending on standing on my balcony until I'd gotten ready despite the fact that he was shivering worse than a Chihuahua.

"Don't just stand there like a twat. You're letting the bloody heat out. Either come in or piss off."

I said to him and as I turned away I caught the grin on his face. He practically leapt indoors and closed the door behind him, locking out the freezing gust of wind that was about to hit him. I made my way to my room and Tai followed me close enough for his swinging arms to bump into my back. Thankfully he didn't say anything or ask any invasive questions about my decision to invite him in. I'd just wanted to get ready in peace without thinking about him littering my balcony with cigarette butts. As we passed through the living room he saw my dad on the sofa.

"Hi, Matt's dad."

My dad looked over his shoulder at Tai with an expression similar to one he might've had if he was watching an episode of 'Time Team' - an expression that said he had no idea what the fuck was going on. He didn't reply or give any kind of indication that Tai had even been speaking English. He just stared at us until we were out of sight. I led Tai to my room and shut the door behind us, telling him to sit down and shut up so I could get ready. He ignored me, of course. He was studying my room like a museum, oohing and aahing at the posters and my collections of crap while I pulled out my entire wardrobe in search for a decent jumper.

"Whoa! You have a guitar?!"

he exclaimed, circling the stand Roxanne was resting on like an eager vulture.

"Really? Do I?"

I replied, keeping an eye on him to make sure he was only looking.

"Ah, yeah, I get it. Sarcasm. Funny. Can you play?"

"Yeah. She's getting kind of old, though."

"She?"

he asked in a wobbly voice, sounding like he was close to laughing. Warningly I turned to him and folded my arms, waiting for him to say something smart.

"Yeah?"

"Is she a boat or something?"

"What the fuck kind of question is that? She's a guitar."

"Yeah, I know that. I just mean that - 'cause you called it 'she' - I was thinking that old sea captains always think of their boat as a woman."

"You mean...they fuck the boat?"

"What?! No! How would they even do that?!"

"Where there's a will there's a way."

I shrugged. He pulled a horrified grimace and shut his eyes at the image that probably came into his head.

"Gross! No! They just...I don't know...pretend it's a person or some shit. Or...at least I think they do. I hope they do."

he trailed off. He went quiet in thought and I seriously hoped that he didn't try and share with me whatever he was thinking about. Luckily he stopped himself from delving any further into that disturbing territory and sat on my bed.

"Anyway, have you got a name for her?"

he asked, chuckling quietly.

"If you keep taking the piss I'm kicking you out."

"No, no, no. I'm being serious! No jokes!"

Rolling my eyes I bent down to the pile of clothes on the floor and dug out a long sleeved t-shirt and an almost clean hoodie.

"Roxanne."

I replied, moving over to the bed next to him to dump my clothes.

"How'd you come up with that?"

"You know; the song."

he didn't say anything in response. When I looked at him he was tilting his head at me like a confused dog.

"The song, Roxanne."

I hinted, waiting for him to recognise the title. He didn't. He shrugged his shoulders silently. He couldn't not know the song. No one didn't know the song.

"You know. Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light."

I sang, urging him to remember it. No such luck.

"Those days are over. You don't have to sell your body to the night."

"You have a really nice voice."

I was almost on the floor in shock. My faith in humanity had been jarred! Who the fuck was this person that had never heard Roxanne?! How were they still living?! How were they able to function in society without knowing this song existed?!

"You seriously don't know that song?! It's a national fucking anthem!"

"Who sings it?"

"The Police! Tell me you know who they are."

"Kind of. I'm not really into old music."

Old music?! The Police weren't old music! Music wouldn't be music without The Police! How dare this heretic come into my home without knowing who they are?! I almost lunged for his throat to strangle him back to sanity.

"I would push you off the fucking balcony for saying that if this wasn't an opportunity to educate the ignorant."

I told him. If Tai was at all intending to remain in my company I would need to fix him first. If no one else was going to teach him the meaning of life then I was going to have to be the one to do it. I stormed over to my stereo, found my 'Outlandos d'Amour' album and slam-dunked the CD into the slot. I skipped straight to the song in question, spun the volume dial to almost the highest it would go and scared the shit out of Tai with the intensity of my order

"Sit there and learn!"

The first chords blared out of the speakers and he flinched at the painful volume. Good. Pain would make remembering it easier. I walked straight past him towards Roxanne, ripped her of the stand and slipped my head through her strap, taking off the pick I'd blu-tacked onto her body. He was watching me in terrified awe as I waited for my cue. I nodded along with the first chords keeping my fingers ready. I knew this song like the back of my hand. It was one of the first I'd ever taught myself. I could probably play it with my feet I knew it so well.

There came the rest before the first verse, then came Sting's voice, then I was playing along when the chords came back, miming along with Sting, and Tai's dumbass gaping expression lit up in excitement he should be feeling. No one should go through life not knowing this song. I was saving him from a half lived life.

I played along while doing my best Sting impression, pretending I was serenading Roxanne herself. By midway through the first chorus Tai was getting the hang of it. He was laughing at my piss poor impression, belting out what lyrics he could predict (mostly just the word Roxanne) and happily air drumming along with me. Three floors up or down people could probably hear us shouting Roxanne at the top of our lungs along with the CD, getting louder every time we said it. We weren't even singing anymore. We were pretty much just screaming like patients in a loony bin. At the second chorus he was leaping up on the bed, screaming out Roxanne to the sky and to me and I was on my knees, abusing Roxanne with my violent strumming. We were the worst fucking two person band you ever saw. We definitely must have looked like a couple of maniacs the first day off their meds. As the music started fading out Tai was hysterical with laughter, doing a backwards dive onto the bed and panting like mad. So was I, actually. Before the next song could start I went over to the stereo and paused the CD. Tai sat up, still laughing breathlessly, and looked at me with an energised grin.

"So, I've been schooled, then?"

he asked. I gave him an evil smirk.

"Hardly. I'm giving you homework."

I waved him over with my hand and he rolled off the bed to stand next to me. I scanned through my CD collection and picked one out.

"Pink Floyd's Dark Side of the Moon."

I held the CD out for him to take. He took it carefully and curiously studied the cover art while I was looking for the next one. I held it up for him to look at.

"Eric Clapton's Just One Night; the Live version, of course. Listen to 'Double Trouble' first. The guitar is fucking beautiful. It's on my bucket list to have sex to that song."

he nodded diligently and took it.

"The Police, Ghost in the machine. Not my favourite album of theirs, but it has Demolition Man on it. Synchronicty is the best, but I don't have the CD."

I said and handed him the CD. He looked at all of them in confused wonder.

"I don't think anyone has CDs anymore. How old are these?"

"Pretty old. Ah...what's a lesson in music without the Rolling Stones, right? This is the best one."

I held the album 'Some Girls' up like a trophy. Before he could pick it out of my hand I put it out of reach and poked him in the chest with a dangerous warning.

"These aren't for keeps. I'm loaning them to you, so guard them with your fucking life. I expect you to die for them if something happens. If there's a fire you will burn before these CDs do. Capiche?"

"Yes, sir!"

he said, awkwardly saluting me while balancing the pile of CDs on his arm. I tucked the last CD into the crook of his elbow.

"Good. Now, go put them somewhere safe and I'll meet you downstairs."

I told him, intending on getting changed in privacy. For a while he just stood there with a devious smile, staring at me.

"What're you looking at?"

"We're friends now, aren't we?"

he said in a sly sort of voice, rearranging the CDs against his chest.

"That's a really fucking creepy thing to say."

I snorted.

"Just admit it. I'm cool as hell and you enjoy my company. It wouldn't kill you."

Being in a more generous mood than usual, I decided to humour him.

"I'll admit that you are the most tolerable person I've been forced to hang out with, so far."

I said smugly. He bit his lip happily.

"That'll do for now, but I'll get you to admit it eventually."

It wasn't so much a fair as it was general vandalism. The grass had been ripped to shit by the vans hauling equipment across the field and attendees had dropped everything possible onto the floor and squashed it into the mud. The field was an obstacle course of broken bottles, food wrappers and the odd indistinguishable gooey mess of something. Tai and I serpentined our way across the field towards the red and yellow lights of the stalls surrounding the makeshift fair. From twenty feet away you could smell nothing but cooked meat, spilled beer and the occasional whiff of vomit.

The way Tai threw himself into the whole thing it was easy to see that he'd never been to a fair before. In comparison to most, this one was pretty shit. You had the tiny merry-go-round for the kids, the big dropper ride thing where you go up and down, a couple of decent rollercoasters and the rest was nothing but disgusting food stalls manned by sweaty, fat, middle aged men. The first thing Tai did when we got there was drag me to one of the rollercoasters; the one where you sit in a car and get spun around in the air for a few minutes. It was probably a good thing that we went on that one first. I had a bottle of Jack in my bag that I had been planning on using to help keep me entertained and the first thing you definitely do not want to do after taking a few shots is experience any kind of g-force. Tai raced to sit on the outside and was more than okay to squash me into the side of the car when the ride got going. He just threw his hands in the air and screamed in my ear as his weight worked to test the strength of my hips.

Being with Tai was a lot like trying to keep check on a toddler. There was never a moment of peace. Every second he was finding something else that enthralled him and dragging me by my clothes towards it. I had to resort to sneaking swigs of whiskey in between being physically hauled from one ride and food stall to the next.

"Oi, let's go in the funhouse!"

he said excitedly, pointing to the big, flashing box that had airbrushed pictures of old cartoon characters on it. He'd just finished scoffing down his third bag of candyfloss while we sat in the grass and I had taken a few more cheeky sips from my bottle of booze, feeling a little too drunk to appreciate being manhandled for much longer.

"Two quid to walk on a fucking treadmill and look in a bunch of mirrors? What a waste."

I said, watching the miserable parents trailing behind their hyper kids that exited the attraction.

"Aww, come on. I'll pay for you. Might be fun."

"I don't need you to pay for me, I just think it's fucking stupid."

I scoffed. My protests were pointless. No matter what I said, two minutes later he was already sprinting his way to the entry queue and I was curmudgeonly following behind him at a snail's pace. Apart from parents, we were the oldest people in the line by far. The guy taking the fee even looked like he was embarrassed for us. Tai was oblivious to it all, though. Without even clearing it with me he paid for both of us and skipped inside as soon as he saw the last family leave through the other door. I'm embarrassed to admit I seriously struggled to make it through the first room. I was unsteady on my feet to begin with - what with a quarter bottle of whiskey already in me - and my booze filled stomach dropped when I saw the series of moving platforms that we had to walk across. Each one was moving in an opposite direction from the last and with every step you'd get closer to either doing the splits of falling on your face. Tai had no problem and hopped from one to the other with ease, making a game of how long he could keep his balance before having to move on. I, on the other hand, felt sick just watching my feet and feeling my balance tip in alternating directions. Tai cheered me on from the other side, shouting motivational words across the room with an outstretched hand and shit eating smile. I would have kicked him in the face if I wasn't certain that I'd fall over if I tried. Instead, I just lead the way up the uncomfortably narrow and wonky stairs to the next room.

Each room had a different set of obstacles and oddities. One was pitch black, in another the whole floor rotated and the hardest room was definitely the glass maze. Tai smacked his face into a glass wall more than a few times, which was hilarious but not so much when I was the one smacking into them. What came last was the cliché hall of mirrors; a long set of differently distorted mirrors to pull faces in. The ceiling and the floor were completely black with one line of dim lights following the length of the room and a doorway at the end covered in flaps of black plastic. From the speakers in the corners of the room a weird instrumental remix of 'My Favourite Things' from The Sound of Music was coming out. It was slower than the original version and sounded almost creepy; like the music from children's music boxes in horror films.

I don't really look in mirrors all that often. Not for any particular reason; I just don't have many mirrors in my flat and I don't tend to think about what I look like. Every now and then I'd catch my reflection somewhere and be like 'Oh, that's what I look like' and then just not bother about it after that. Tai didn't really bother about the mirrors. They weren't entertaining enough to deserve his attention, so he walked straight through the hall without any more than a glance to his side and a low chuckle every now and then. I followed him in a similar sort of fashion at first but I found myself abnormally interested in my reflection, probably because I was drunk. As I moved on past each mirror my image changed. In one I looked short, in the next I looked tall. Fat; thin; big head; big body; curvy and so on. It had been a long time since I'd properly looked at my reflection and I kind of started to wonder to myself...what I really looked like. I mean, I know what I look like and in all the reflections that I saw I could tell how I was being distorted but I didn't know what these funny young men I was looking at were supposed to be compared to. Which one of them was the closest to how I really looked?

I don't know what I'm talking about. I was just...I was drunk and I was questioning things. I was thinking about that stupid fucking photo that Kari took of me and thinking about whether or not that was what I really looked like. I have no idea what other people see. The only way I can guess is by their reactions and, more often than not, their reactions are pretty fucking negative when they look at me. I look in the mirror that makes me look weirdly tall and I wonder if that's what some people see when they look at me. Then I look at the one that makes me look tiny and I wonder the same thing again. It's just...it's a fucking stupid and shallow thing to think about because these are the sorts of questions that I will never get a proper answer to and I was being pathetic and drunk and weird and...stupid. It was just fucking stupid. Thank fuck I could blame it on the whiskey. If I'd started thinking about this sort of shit when I was sober I would definitely start questioning my sanity.

Tai was waiting for me at the exit.

"Now, that wasn't so bad, was it? You had fun, right?"

he asked, slapping me on the shoulder as I walked by. Sulkily I jumped down onto the grass, bypassing the steps completely, and looked up at the darkened sky with a frown.

"Are you finished here, yet? I'm getting pretty bored."

"Uhh, yeah, sure. I think we've done just about everything now. Why don't we go see Gabe on the way back? I bet he'd want some food."

"We don't know if it's a 'he'."

"He, she, they, whatever. I'm going to go buy him a couple of hotdogs. I'll be right back. Just wait here."

He was already skipping off to the nearest food stall before I could voice any kind of protest. When he came back he had bundled up at least four sausages into a napkin and in his arm balanced two paper cups.

"I bought you a coke."

he said with a smile and leant forward for me to take my cup while he picked up the other with his free hand. I didn't say thank you.

We made our way back to Haven park, taking a couple of buses and then walking the rest of the way. I held Tai's hotdogs while he jumped the fence and passed them back to him when it was my turn.

We sauntered through the hauntingly empty park in the dark, listening to the creaking swings as the wind pushed them back and forth. Gabe was exactly where I'd expected to find it; curled up in a messy pile against the base of a tree. As we got closer it looked up curiously in our direction. I stopped Tai when we were a few feet away.

"Give me a hotdog."

I told him. He passed one to me and copied me when I sat down in the grass.

"What are you doing?"

"Testing something."

I told him. I tore off a piece of the bun and threw it so it landed halfway between me and the dog. Gabe looked at the food cautiously for a moment before shakily standing up and stumbling towards it. While it lapped up the lump of bread I tore off another larger piece of the hotdog and held it out in my hand towards the dog. After it had finished wolfing down the small mouthful it looked at the piece in my hand. It took a while and I had to fight to keep myself still, but eventually it hobbled towards me. Very slowly and carefully it raised its mouth over my hand and caught the food in its teeth, barely brushing my palm with the stiff, dirty hair of its chin.

"I think it likes you."

Tai whispered happily, watching with awe as Gabe flicked the food into its mouth. I tore up the rest of the hotdog and scattered it over the grass to make sure the dog didn't scarf it down in one go and choke to death. Tai did the same. We settled ourselves in the grass while Gabe circled around us and picked up the rest of the food.

With as much theatrical finesse as a magician pulling a rabbit out of a hat, I dove my hand into my rucksack and conjured up the now half full bottle of Jack Daniels I'd been hiding from him.

"Where the hell did you get that?"

Tai asked curiously, edging closer to my side. I silently slipped off the top and handed it over to him. Cautiously he took it and held his nose over the top.

"You don't smell it; you drink it, you twat."

Embarrassedly he held the opening to his lips and tipped his head back, letting the liquor flood into his mouth. After one swallow his eyes went wide and he pulled away in a mad coughing fit.

"Pussy!"

I laughed and took the bottle back, taking a couple of casual swigs myself. Tai was banging on his chest, coughing up a spray of whiskey.

"I've only ever had beer."

he just about choked out around his efforts to regurgitate his lungs.

"Strict parents?"

I asked, taking another sip. He shook his head, breathing heavily and swallowing a mouthful of spit.

"My dad was the one that gave me the beer. I just haven't been the drinking type, really. I went to a really small school in Peterborough. Not many wild parties or anything going on around my home - well, other than the occasional vegetable market. Old ladies where I lived go mad for half price parsnips."

he laughed.

"Well, that explains the farmer's accent. Here, hold this."

I handed him the bottle again. He took another, more cautious sip and managed to keep it down without choking on it. He pulled a disgusted face, though. I dug through my bag for the weed I'd bought on my way back home that morning and some papers. Meanwhile, Tai was still talking, messing around with the peeling label on the bottle.

"The company my dad worked for fell through a while ago and the only branch left was in London, so we moved here for the time being while things get sorted out."

I nodded along, setting up my equipment to roll a spliff.

"That's a fucked up deal. Your record's probably tainted now that you've gone to my school."

"I met you, though."

he said gladly. I snorted humorously, sprinkling the ground up weed on top of a half filled rizla of tobacco.

"I'm the worst person you could've met. I've given you drugs, alcohol, a piercing and several scars."

"At least that way I'll never forget you."

"You and your fucked up logic."

I mumbled, licking the glue and sealing it together.

"You're really good at that."

Tai pointed out stupidly, obviously impressed by my rolling skills. I lit up the joint and took a nice, deep draw from it.

"Just takes practice."

I croaked, holding in my lungful of smoke for a good five seconds before the pain got too much and I had to breath it out. I passed it to Tai and he swapped it for the bottle. For a while we went back and forth, smoking while the other person was drinking and vice versa, until the joint started to burn our lips. We both laid back in the damp grass, myself doing it because I was now a bit too drunk to keep my balance while sitting upright. It took me a while to realise that Tai hadn't said anything for a whole five minutes, which was completely out of character for him.

"You've gone quiet all of a sudden."

I said to him, carefully trying to pour more Jack into my mouth without spilling it over my face. Tai rolled his head towards me lazily.

"Huh? Oh, yeah. I'm just thinking."

he replied in a daze. I didn't really care to ask what he was thinking about, but he felt the need to tell me, anyway.

"I mean...would they just rub their dick against it or...drill a hole in the side? Wouldn't you get splinters? How the Hell would anyone find that enjoyable?"

Confused as fuck by his deranged musing, I spat out half of my mouthful of whiskey before I could swallow it.

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

I laughed. He looked at me with an unhinged, desperate expression and wide, bloodshot eyes.

"I'm talking about the boat! How the fuck do you fuck a boat?!"

He looked, honest to God, tortured by the mystery of the question. I didn't know if he was high or just being his normal, crazy self.

"Jesus! You're still thinking about that? If I didn't know any better I'd think you wanted to do it in real life."

"No! Where the hell would I even get one in the first place?"

"That's the biggest problem you have concerning that scenario? Finding a boat to fuck?"

"Well...I wouldn't fuck an ugly one, if that's what you're talking about."

He looked so sincere while saying it, like he was seriously fucking considering what kind of boat he wanted to fuck. I exploded into drugged-up and drunk manic laughter.

"Oh my God! You want to fuck a boat!"

I was screeching, spilling whiskey all over myself with the way I was waving my arms to find something to ground myself with. Tai looked horribly embarrassed and that just made the whole thing even funnier. I couldn't tell if I was laughing or crying anymore. I had tears dripping down my cheeks and I could not take a stable breath to save my life.

"Okay, okay, no more talk about boat fucking. Time to change the subject. What's your favourite film?"

Tai asked, carefully taking the bottle away from me while I was unaware. It took me a few seconds to calm down. I used my sleeve to clean my face, directing my teary, red eyes at him.

"I don't really watch TV."

I sobbed, still trying to catch my breath.

"Films are different, though. You must've seen at least a couple of films, right?"

Taking a nice, deep breath I looked up at the sky, searching the stars for my answer.

"Uh...I saw 'Blade Runner' when I was younger. That was pretty cool. It's how I found out about Vangelis. What about you?"

"You'll laugh."

Tai mumbled, taking a small sip of whiskey. I nudged his leg with my foot.

"You're the one that brought it up."

Hesitantly he started chewing on the inside of his cheek and pouting at the sky.

"Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory."

I snorted, honestly trying to hold in my laughter for once.

"I said you'd laugh. You're such a prick!"

"Okay, okay. Which one are you talking about? The remake?"

"No. The original one"

"Oh, that's fucking worse!"

I screeched and mocked him by banging my elbow into his shoulder. With a yelp he snatched his offended arm into his chest and rubbed the sore spot.

"Ow! Hey, it's a good film! Besides, it has, like, sentimental value to me and shit."

He went quiet and serious again all of a sudden before turning to look at me. Our faces were abnormally close. If I wanted to bite his nose off I could have done so without even needing to move, but he didn't seem to care. He looked right into my eyes without any sign of being embarrassed.

"That film has helped me through some tough shit. It was the first video we ever bought. My Mum used to put it on all the time when I was younger. Any time I was sad - when I was ill or when I'd been bullied or something- she'd just put on the video and it'd cheer me right up."

Tai sighed and with the bottle of Jack at a safe distance he rolled over so his whole body faced me and his legs were curled into his chest.

"When we lost our house last year the bailiffs kicked us out in the middle of the night. Without any fucking warning we were just homeless and none of us had any clue it was going to happen. We had to stay at my grandma's. I was only allowed to pack one bag and the first thing I put in it was that DVD. I just watched it all the time - back to back - on repeat. As soon as it ended I'd just press the button and start it over again. It seems fucking pathetic, but it helped a lot.

"It's about being a good person and keeping positive and shit, you know? It's like...doing good, even if it's something small, can change someone's life and make a difference. And then there's that song; the one that Willy Wonka sings in the candy forest. I know he means it literally but, when you think about it, it's about how the way you look at things can change what they are. If you want the world to be a happy place then you've got to see it that way, and make it that way. Don't you think?"

I was a bit too out of it to make complete sense of what he was saying, but I could empathise with the first part of his story - having something to help you through tough times. Me and my Dad had been given more than our fair share of shit over the years. I suppose, that film to Tai was like my music is to me. There are certain songs and artists and stuff that don't suit the way I am now, but I still keep the CDs and listen to them because they just...make me feel better. As for that shit about being a good person, it went completely over my head; I could not grasp a even a bit of it.

"I think..."

I started saying and noticed him light up at the possibility that I might support what he'd said.

"...that I'm going to need to roll another spliff before what you said starts making sense."

I said and sat up to start rolling the next one. I had myself a bit of a laugh when I saw his excited face sour into a pout while I fetched the weed and tobacco from my bag. He shrugged and rolled back onto his back, folding his arms across his chest.

"It's fine if you don't get it. I'm an idealist, I suppose; something someone like you wouldn't understand."

Yeah, that sounded about right. I find it hard to understand why someone would want to live in denial to make life easier. Idealism just seems sort of cowardly, in my opinion.

"There is one thing I think you might be overlooking, though."

I said, trying to lighten up the conversation. I held out my hand, indicating for Tai to pass the whiskey. Carefully he handed me the bottle.

"Hmm? What?"

I finished the bottle in two gulps and threw the empty bottle across the grass, hearing it bounce a few feet away without shattering like I had wanted it to.

"Slavery."

I replied with a cheeky grin, rolling the new spliff.

"You mean the Oompalumpas? They're not slaves. He gave them a home."

"That they have to work for."

"What, do you think he could run the whole factory by himself? They're just earning a living."

"With no pay or freedom."

"Yeah, but, where else are they supposed to go? Didn't Willy Wonka rescue them? They wanted to go with him."

"Well, that's what he says. Do you ever hear their side of the story?"

"Oh man, you are so fucking cynical it's unbelievable."

he laughed as I lit the spliff and handed it to him.

"I bought weed 'cause I wanted to have a good time, not mope about the past like a loser. Get puffing."

I told him and fished out my mp3 player from my bag. As he took a few short drags from the spliff I shuffled through my music to find a song that suited the mood. 'Harmony In My Head' by the Buzzcocks was the first good one I came across so I just settled on that. I swapped one of my earphones with Tai for the spliff and settled down in the grass. I could tell from Tai's expression that he hadn't heard the song before but he warmed up to it pretty quickly. I closed my eyes and sucked lightly on the spliff, listening to Howard Devoto in one ear and the rest of the world in the other. I was so comfortable that I almost completely forgot that Tai was next to me. I could have fallen asleep right then and there. Gabe had returned to his spot under the tree and seemed to be asleep already.

Again Tai and I passed the spliff back and forth until it was only a smoking stub. Lazily I just threw it over my head and let it die out somewhere in the grass. I took a deep breath and tucked my hands under my head, enjoying the smell of soil and the lingering smoke that hung over my head. I felt Tai moving at my side but I didn't care what he was doing until I suddenly felt his hair tickling my forehead. Before I could open my eyes I felt a pressure against my lips and in shock swung my fist out in front of me.

"Jesus fucking Christ!"

Tai cried out and fell backwards from the force of my knuckles striking his nose. Furiously I kicked out my legs to get away from him, letting my earphone fall out and tangle in the grass.

"What the fuck was that?!"

I screeched and fought the sudden dizziness I got from sitting up too quickly. Tai was on his knees a few feet away, cupping his face and hissing in pain.

"Fuck! You didn't have to punch me!"

he moaned, his voice muffled by his hand.

"Yeah, I fucking did! What the fuck did you think you were doing?!"

"I don't fucking know! Ow!"

He tilted his head back and hissed in pain while he pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Is it broken?"

I asked him, trying to judge for myself but too far away to say for sure. He exhaled deeply and wiped under his nose to look for blood but there wasn't any.

"Don't think so."

he mumbled.

"Good. Fuck you!"

I scooped up my bag and mp3 player and stood up angrily, ready to storm home, when Tai looked at me in panic.

"Hey! Where're you going?!"

"I'm getting away from you, wanker!"

"Why? 'Cause I kissed you?!"

"Yeah, 'cause you fucking kissed me! What did you think was going to happen?"

"I don't know. I'm fucking...drunk and shit."

I dropped my bag back onto the grass and folded my arms, interested in an explanation. I mean, I knew Tai was fucking weird but this situation was ab-fucking-normal. Who does that?! Who just...jumps on someone like that without any fucking warning?! I was fucking half asleep and he just...what the fuck?!

"Did you think this was a fucking date or something?!"

I asked when the realisation suddenly dawned on me that maybe he'd intended this to happen from the start. He looked up at me in horror.

"What?! No! No, I just-"

he blurted out and growled in frustration when his words got jumbled up in his desperation to get them said as quickly as possible.

"It was just an impulse. I'm sorry. I didn't think about what would happen. I just...wanted to try it, you know?"

I decided to believe him. I don't know why, but it just felt right. That didn't mean I was content with that excuse, though. It sounded like he was just being a pussy, trying to placate me with vague babble. I crouched down to his level in front of him and looked him dead in the eye. He leaned back slightly to get away from the intensity of my stare, but he still kept his eyes locked with mine.

"You gay?"

Tai's eyes widened in panic and he started laughing nervously.

"What?!"

he replied in a shaky voice, obviously terrified of me and my reaction. Before he could prattle off even more excuses I held up my hand, signalling him to stop before he started. He snapped his mouth shut obediently.

"Don't give me that 'fake shock' bullshit. You knew this question was coming. I'm asking you and you better not pussy out and fucking lie. Are you gay?"

He made a couple of panicked squeaking noises, looking moments away from screaming 'no' at the top of his lungs, but we both knew that would be a lie. Eventually he let out an exhale consisting of the entire contents of his lungs and mumbled

"Yeah."

He'd lowered his head, looking like he was ready to receive the beating of a lifetime. Well, I didn't have nearly enough energy to meet his expectations. All I could muster up was a strong hand to the back of his head.

"Ow!"

He lunged forward with a yelp, grabbing his sore skull where I had just whacked him with my open palm. I grabbed his shoulder and pushed him back so he could look me in the face.

"Now, that wasn't so fucking hard, was it? Maybe you could have actually fucking talked to me instead jumping on my face, yeah?"

I said to him, jabbing my weed-stinking finger into his chest as I made my point. He went from looking ashamed of himself to looking exactly like he expected to - like he just took a slap to the head.

"You're okay with it?"

he asked carefully. I resorted to just rolling my eyes and planting my arse back onto the grass.

"Do I look like I give a fuck? It might be different in the village of Midsummer, or wherever the fuck you came from but, believe it or not, I actually don't want to be involved in your sex life. And that includes you fucking kissing me!"

He starred at me for the longest time, giving me the usual intense and prolonged eye contact that he usually gave me and then...he burst out laughing. It was loud. It was way fucking louder than I'd expected. He was going crazy from laughing - streams of spit shooting from his mouth and onto the grass and his eyes shut so tightly that I thought he might tear through them. His cheeks were soaked with hysterical tears and waiting for him to finally calm down took a lot of patience on my half.

"You - You- You scared the shit out of me! For a second I thought you were going to beat me to death or something."

he wheezed in a squeaking voice, wiping his face on the sleeves of his jumper. I had to wait even longer for him to stop hiccupping enough to actually hear what I was going to say.

"Do I look like a fucking skinhead to you?"

I asked, gesturing to my hairy, skinny, prison-tattoo free self ironically. He shook his head urgently.

"I'm just not used to people being okay with it. Other than my family I've told, like, three people and they weren't exactly happy for me."

"Well, Boo-fucking-hoo for you; you lost a few friends. So what? You can't change what happened."

"Yeah, I know that."

He'd been laughing like a maniac only a couple of seconds ago but now he was going back to that pathetic, persecuted sort of pout. I didn't know what the fuck to say. I've never been good at dealing with shit like this. I don't know how to cheer people up. Drugs and alcohol do me just fine most of the time, but forcing them on other people in order to get them to stop moping would probably seem kind of rude; plus, if I gave him any more he'd probably pass out and I've have to drag his limp (or maybe dead) body back to the flats, which would probably require a lot more strength than I was capable of.

I exhaled angrily, wanting to just give him another slap to the head and tell him to get the fuck over it.

"What you just did - don't do that again. I will punch you if you do and I'll do it a lot harder."

I warned him. Not in a vicious, promising kind of way. It was just a way to say, 'it's not a big deal, but it will be if you try it again'. He nodded sympathetically, starting to perk up a bit more by the looks of it.

"Yeah, I'm sorry. I didn't mean anything by it. I just...I got caught up thinking about stupid things and talking to you was...I've never been as close with anyone as I am with you so..."

he rambled, pulling up handfuls of grass and piling them around his legs. I actually felt a little bit sorry for him. I know I don't exactly wish him well most days, but that doesn't mean I can't give a shit about him every now and then. Tai was fucking obnoxious, but he wasn't a villain of any kind and it made me feel a little guilty that I'd almost thought about him that way. Tai was a people-pleasing idiot. Of course he hadn't intended on messing with me; he just didn't think shit through before acting on his impulses, which was something I could more than empathise with.

"You got any fags?"

I asked him out of the blue, feeling the need to defuse some of the intensity of the conversation. He looked up at me dazedly for a moment before fishing out his pack from his back pocket and tossing it to me. I caught it, withdrew two and handed the box back. I put both cigarettes between my lips and lit them before handing one of them to Tai, being careful not to burn myself with it. He plucked it from my hand and took a short, cautious draw from it. It looked like it calmed him down a bit, which was what I had been hoping for. As we burned our way through the first halves of our cigarettes I could tell that he was waiting for me to say something - that I either forgave him or didn't want anything to do with him from this point on. It was a tempting option, but I knew I'd regret it in the end.

"I get it. I get why you did it. Right now, I'm probably the only other fish in the tank, right?"

I said to him. He awkwardly wiped his nose on his arm and shrugged.

"Something like that."

he replied before quickly stuffing his mouth with his cigarette. It seemed like he wasn't going to get what I was playing at without me putting it plainly, so I stifled my pride and said what I needed to.

"Listen. For all I care you can go fuck whoever or whatever you want; boy, girl, boat-"

"I don't want to fuck a boat!"

he screeched in embarrassment, looking like a fresh smile was starting to break its way through his miserable expression. I brushed off his interjection.

"I'm just speaking hypothetically. What I'm trying to say is that I don't give a shit where you put your cock so long as you keep it away from me. Get it?"

He chuckled in a disbelieving kind of way and finally gathered enough courage to look me in the eye again.

"Yeah, I get it."

he said with a nod and a subtle smile.

"Good. Now, let's never speak of this again."

Finally I allowed my arse to touch the grass and my aching thighs thanked me for it. With one long, borderline painful inhale I finished off my cigarette and threw the butt across the grass. Tai didn't bother to finish his. He just stubbed it out in the grass after it was two thirds smoked. It was a relief to know that the issue had been put to rest and I was pretty proud of myself for the way I'd handled it. I didn't get (too) angry, I wasn't (too) threatening and I didn't (successfully) run away. Overall, I'd say that I was pretty rational and it would be more than fair for me to count it as my charitable act of the day.

When I looked over at Tai I found him staring at me with another one of his creepy, suspicious smiles; the kind that says that he's just itching to say something fucking stupid.

"What?"

I prompted reluctantly, pretty certain that I wasn't going to like what he was about to say. His smile widened and he dropped his head to rest his chin on his fist. Now, he looked even more creepy.

"You're a really good friend, Matt."

Just as I'd suspected. Gross. With a shuddery cringe I turned my head away and mumbled

"Yeah, whatever."

"Aha!"

he yelled and suddenly thrust an accusing finger in my face.

"You didn't deny it that time! I said we're friends and you didn't deny it! That means we're friends now!"

I squinted at him in confusion for a moment, barely catching what he'd said thanks to the incredible speed with which he'd said it.

"What?!"

"It's too late. You can't take it back. You've signed a verbal contract. We're officially friends."

He looked the most smug I had ever seen him. This moment in particular was a perfect example of why I was never able to understand Tai. First he's happy, then he's sad, then he's angry, then he's happy again. Is that what bipolar is? If that's not bipolar then bipolar is just bullshit. His crazy hopping back and forth across the spectrum of emotions was worse than just not normal; it was downright inconvenient!

Then...it hit me. That threat he'd given me before we left the flat!

"Was this all part of a fucking scheme?! Did you just take me for a fucking ride?!"

Tai smiled deviously and laughed.

"You'll never know."

I take it all back. Everything I said about Tai not being a villain was dead wrong. He was a sadist to the fucking core.

"You motherfucker!"

"Actually, I'm a fatherfucker."

Next thing I know, he's laughing again and I'm tackling him to the grass, trying to smother his giggles into the mud.

"Don't you dare get smart with me, you little shit!"

He barely fought back - too preoccupied with trying to breathe in between his bursts of insane laughter - and I climbed onto his back. With a hand on the back of his head I was wiping his face back and forth over the grass and he was flailing his limbs underneath me, trying to catch his breath.

"Hey, everyone! Matt and I are friends now! I want everyone to know that we're best friends!"

I forced every bit of my weight onto his back, trying to squeeze the air out of his lungs and he seemed to enjoy every second of it. I got bored pretty quickly with trying to kill him, so I settled for just collapsing on him one last time and staying there, splayed across his back. He was still wheezing but his breathing was slowing down to normal.

"Hey, what colour do you want your friendship bracelet to be?"

As my last warning I hammered my elbow down into his back.

"Ack! My ovaries!"

"Are we done being all sentimental now? Can we change the fucking record?"

After letting out his last few, lingering giggles he turned his head to the side to look at me.

"What's your favourite food?"

"Chips."

"I could have guessed that."

Hey, guys. It's me! Your friendly neighbourhood weirdo, back for another episode of 'What comes out of me after alcohol'. How are you guys doing? Been a while, eh? Hope you're all alive and stuff.

So, we're thirteen chapters in now and stuff is somewhat developing. Hooray! Hope you guys liked this chapter. I finally got it finished at five o'clock in the morning after my fourth glass of cheap red, and even then it doesn't feel quite finished finished. Then again, none of my other chapters ever felt finished, yet here we are.

Anyways, time to get serious for a sec.

To all of you amazing people who have messaged me, posted a review, favourited my story or even just took the time to read it, I want to say thank you. I know I say that in pretty much every A/N, but I seriously, seriously mean it. I might have completely abandoned writing if it weren't for people like you and finally I have to confidence to even say that I'm trying to pursue writing as a career. I got my shit together, quit my fucking awful job and decided to sit down and put to words those stories that I've been wanting to write for yonks. I'm even having a go at writing a children's book at the moment (a very strange and harrowing experience, but amazingly fun nonetheless).

So, I just can't tell you all enough how great it is to have people like you supporting my stories. It might sound a little sad, but this story is practically a piece of myself. A lot of my life is woven into this fiction that started out so small and it seems to just keep growing with every chapter I write and becoming more personal. Knowing that people enjoy reading it is just the best kind of experience.

I'm going to work harder at replying to all of you, because I really need to tell you all personally how much I appreciate you.

Here's to the hopeful success of the next chapter. Cheers, guys.

Bed. Of. Nails. And. Sandpaper

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