Oh, look! A new fic! I blame this one entirely on unique .normality who is my co-writer, editor, and my sounding board for any idea that crosses my mind! It was totally her idea that she told me and got stuck in my mind! It is a little different to my others. Only a little. It's set in a 'normal' world with no magic. In London, in a fairly modern time period (aka totally undecided!)

It IS rated M. I will be dealing with different issues as we go (naturally, it wouldn't be me if I didn't inflict pain on Remus) and they will be a definite M. So if you aren't over 15 or 16 or whatever it is, PLEASE read with caution. There will be warnings at the tops of the chapters when I post them.

I have not given up my others! In fact I will be updating A Life More Ordinary shortly.

So enjoy! And pleasssseeee review! I like reviews! :D

Remus Lupin walked towards the park, his head bent, eyes fixed on the cracked sidewalks of London streets. A satchel was slung over his shoulder, his hands shoved deep in his pockets. He walked with a slightly uneven lope, long legs covering distance quickly as he avoided commuters that hurried around him. The sun was shining for the seventh day in a row and he basked in the warmth of the rare occurrence. He was tall, his hair, sandy brown sprinkled liberally with grey, was trimmed neatly. He paused, impatiently, at the traffic lights. He could hear soft whispers around him and tried to ignore them. A child's voice rang out clearly above the noise of city traffic.

"Mummy, why is that man funny looking?"

From the corner of his eye he could see the child being hushed hurriedly. His grip on his satchel tightened. Damn you, Sirius Black. Damn you to hell. Finally, the lights flashed and he moved quickly, striding out ahead of the other pedestrians, making his way to a place where he could be alone. The botanical gardens: a retreat from the world that Remus had discovered twelve years ago. A place where he could hide in broad daylight. The path to his hiding spot was one he knew well, isolated and overgrown it was like this corner of the gardens had been left to show how wild nature could truly be. It was his sanctuary. Remus' steps slowed to a normal pace as he crossed the expanse of green lawns, passing the brilliant tropical gardens that were filled with school children chasing one another. He lifted his head and glanced warily around, there were no people within close distance of him. His tense shoulders relaxed and he ducked under a low hanging bough of a tree. The terrain grew rougher in his corner of the garden yet he still moved with a grace that showed that climbing over rocks meant nothing to him. He could hear the faint echoes of traffic, children laughing, noises that faded into the background as he approached the wild section he had grown to love. He settled onto the dew covered grass and leaned back against the smooth trunk of a birch tree. His eyes trailed over the brook that bubbled over moss covered rocks, clover swayed softly in the breeze and wildflowers danced together around him. Sirius had asked the managers of the gardens once why this corner was so isolated. They had told him that one part of the garden was to resemble just how beautiful nature was. Few people came here, there were no paths, only broken rocks and grass and this fact suited Remus just fine. He breathed out slowly. A mother duck with five ducklings in tow waddled towards him. He pulled a crust of bread from his satchel and occupied himself by throwing bits of bread to the birds. There were black circles under his eyes. It had been another sleepless night. Another in a list of fourteen years of sleepless nights.

His head dropped back against the tree and he breathed out a long, shuddering breath. Sirius had practically thrown him out of the house as he had left to go to work. He could see the worry in the black eyes and Remus hated it.

The duck quacked loudly and he glanced towards it. "You need to find your own food." He spoke very softly so he didn't frighten her. His voice was gentle, edged with weariness, but kind. He watched her waddle away and led her babies into the stream. He breathed in deeply. Clean, fresh scents. Freshly cut grass, flowers. Normality. Pulling out a sheaf of papers from his satchel he sighed. He needed to work. To finish the article that was due tomorrow but all he wanted was sleep. A night of sleep untouched by the dreams that woke him again and again.

He read what he had written, planned the next paragraphs and occupied himself for perhaps two hours before the trembling in his hands became too much for him to ignore. "Damn." He flung the papers aside and glared at his hands. A week of barely sleeping was catching up to him. Rising stiffly Remus stretched out the ache in his back from sitting in one position for too long. He moved slowly towards the stream and stood above it, staring moodily at the running water. It was so peaceful here. So very peaceful. The tension that had drained from him seemed to build up again, the clenched jaw, hunched shoulders. He wanted to forget, yet instead, even in his sanctuary, he remembered. Remembered hell, remembered the anguish that would follow him every day for the rest of his life. A shuddered rippled through him. He wanted to forget

He paced up and down for a long time, attempting to burn off the restless energy, before a twinge in his knee reminded him that he still needed to walk home before it was dark, before his idiot friend began to worry. Remus smiled wryly as he settled himself back against the tree. Who was he kidding? Sirius wouldn't be home until well after dark, no doubt on another date with another nameless woman. His smile faded as he reached for the papers he had discarded. There was only one reason that Sirius had never settled with one woman, why his need to date the entire female population of London consumed him. Coffee brown eyes stared at the scars on his arms. One reason why three lives had been shattered and pieces glued back together. One reason. One moment that had broken them.

"Uncle Remus!" A tall boy, dressed in school uniform, clambered awkwardly over the rocks and approached his uncle with a grin on his young face.

Remus looked up from his work and his face softened. "What are you doing here, Harry?"

"Excursion. I told them my guardian was waiting here for me and they let me go." Harry Potter grinned, shrugged off his blazer and settled himself on the ground beside his uncle.

"Ah. So it was your group I saw earlier?"

"Yup, Ron and I saw you. I figured you would still be here when we were done looking at plant life." The fourteen year old rolled his eyes. "Get much done?" His bright green eyes were worried behind the black rimmed glasses.

"I just have to read it once more. How was your day?"

Harry recognised the question for what it was a change of subject. Rolling over, the boy snagged his uncle's satchel as a pillow. "Boring. The girls kept trying to get us boys to give them flowers and were all stupid. Why are girls so stupid?"

Remus felt a smile pulling at his lips. "You will have to ask Sirius that one. It's out of my depth of knowledge."

Harry laughed. "Have you finished for the day?"

"If someone wasn't lying on my satchel I would have put these away."

Harry tipped his head backwards to look to his uncle. "I'm comfortable."

"I see." Remus shifted slightly.

They were quiet for a long time. Remus' hand moved idly to Harry's thick hair and he gently tugged at the unruly black mess.

"Penny for them?"

"What?"

"You are awfully quiet."

"Are you sure you are ok? It's just you have been so quiet these past few weeks…" His voice trailed away and Harry found himself regretting his words as Remus' hand fell away.

"I'm sorry!" He sat up, his face twisting with uncertainty and regret.

"Why are you sorry?"

"Because I know you hate talking about that…"

"And you know how much I value honesty. I am fine, Harry. Don't worry about me."

Harry bit the inside of his cheek, glancing awkwardly at the mother duck as she made her round again. He opened his mouth to speak but his stomach beat him to it as it grumbled loudly.

Remus raised an eyebrow at the teen. "We should get home. Sirius won't be in till late."

"Chinese?" Harry asked, looking hopeful and relieved of the subject change.

"Why would we order take out?"

"Because Uncle Sirius isn't home!"

"If we did that then we would never eat a home cooked meal." Remus pulled his nephew to his feet.

Harry grinned. "What a brilliant idea!"

Remus shook his head. "You worry me some days, young man."

"Only some days? I was hoping for all the time."

Remus ignored the teasing words as he scooped up Harry's discarded blazer and shook it out.

"So, take out?" Harry smiled innocently.

"Why do I suspect an ulterior motive here?"

Harry fell into step beside his uncle. "Me? Ulterior motive? How could you think that of me?"

"I have known you since you were born. That's how."

"Fine. I have this assignment. Uncle Sirius said you might be able to help me with it."

Remus ducked his head as they approached a group of tourists. "Sirius can't?" His voice was soft, the less attention he drew to himself the better.

Harry snorted. "Are you kidding? It's an English assignment. Please?"

Remus glanced sideways at the boy. He sighed softly. "Of course I will help you."

"If you are busy…"

"No. It's just me being foolish."

Harry nodded. They were quiet now as they left the gardens and re-entered the busy city. Remus hated crowds, always had, always would and it was a battle to make it through them some days. The boy who had grown up with uncles torn apart by war and betrayal knew that today was one of those days.

"You can keep talking." Remus spoke suddenly as they crossed a road.

"I was thinking," Harry defended.

A soft, tired chuckle broke from the older man and he glanced sideways at the youth.

"Don't start. I think. It's Uncle Sirius that doesn't." Harry grinned.

"Don't tell him that."

"I won't. Take out?"

"Fine! You are more persistent than your parents! Together!"

"Eh, I am a mix of them; I inherited both sets of persistent genes." Harry unlocked the door to the apartment building once they reached it, the path home familiar. "And with you and Uncle Sirius raising me, I got a quadruple dose of stubbornness."

Remus' lips twitched. "Is that right. Well, get a start on your homework and then dinner."

"That is so unfair."

Remus ignored the grumblings as they entered the apartment. He relaxed for the first time since leaving the gardens. It didn't matter here; there were no looks of pity or revulsion, no shame. He was home, safe, loved.

Sirius Black paused and half smiled. Harry and Remus were sitting side by side, heads bent over a piece of homework that Harry had given up on. He cleared his throat, Remus knew he was there, of course, but he was giving him a moment to compose himself before Harry realised.

"How was your date?"

"Dreadful." Sirius nodded gravely. "Girls have germs. You should stay away from them."

Harry rolled his eyes. "Right."

"How's the homework?"

"Sucks."

"Is it finished?"

Harry looked desperately at Remus. "Can we stop? Please?"

"When is it due?"

"Next week."

"Remus is rubbing off on you. Who starts assignments a week before they are due?"

"You call yourself a good example?" Remus rose and headed to the kitchen. "Leave it for tonight, Laddie."

"I'm not meant to be the good example." Sirius responded. "That's your job. Make us tea."

Remus refused to rise to the bait, but when he excited the kitchen there were two mugs in his hands. One went straight to Harry, the other he sipped slowly.

"I hate you." Sirius grumbled as Harry smirked behind his mug.

"How was school?" Sirius kicked off his shoes and set his feet onto the coffee table.

"Good." There was a slight hesitation in Harry's voice was noticed immediately by both men.

"Good hmm?" Sirius moved his feet back to the floor and leaned forward. His black hair was untidy, the hair gel he wore giving it a highly glossy look under the lights.

Harry squirmed.

"What does 'good' entail?"

"Why would it entail anything?"

"Your voice gave you away." Sirius grinned lazily.

"Not fair."

"Special forces." Sirius responded.

Harry flushed and looked away. Concerned looks were exchanged.

"Harry." Remus moved from where he had been seated beside the window to settle beside his nephew. "What is going on?" He rested his hand on Harry's shoulder.

"We had someone from the army come in last week." Harry wished he hadn't spoken as Remus' hand tightened desperately over his shoulder and Sirius inhaled sharply.

"I'm sorry!"

"Why are you sorry?" Remus forced himself to meet the green eyes, his hand dropped to his lap.

"You hate talking about it. It reminds you of… Of what happened."

"Harry, I remember each and every day." Remus' voice was gentle. "Sirius and I both do. Every time I look in a mirror, every time we look at you and see what you lost, we remember. We won't forget what happened, Harry."

"You want to join the army?" Sirius spoke cautiously. He watched Remus' hands clench tightly.

"I can't." Harry shrugged. "My eyes wouldn't be good enough."

"Thank God." Remus whispered.

"But you wanted to join them?" Sirius pushed gently.

Harry looked up; his eyes were filled with an undefined emotion. "I want you to be proud of me! You and my dad were all friends, you fought together, and you would have died for each other!"

"Harry, we are proud of you! We always have been and nothing will make that change. You don't have to join the army to make us proud." Remus spoke swiftly his voice firm. "You have to be you and that is what we want, Laddie."

"Remus is right. We are very proud of you. As long as you become a lawyer. Or doctor. Or engineer."

Harry laughed and the tension eased away.

"Bed, Laddie." Remus mussed the untidy black hair affectionately. "We can finish you assignment tomorrow."

Harry nodded. "Good night." He was about to leave when Remus stopped him. The man's eyes were gentle. "We are very proud of you. Don't ever doubt that." He hugged his nephew tightly before watching him leave.

Oh God." Sirius slumped back into his chair as soon as Harry's bedroom door closed behind him. "Oh, God."

Remus sank onto the lounge and rested his head in his hands. "Thank God his eyes are worse than Jamie's."

Sirius shook his head. "Why would he want to join the army?"

"His father was Special Forces, we were both Special Forces. He idolises you, Sirius. He wants to grow up to be just like you and his father and he thinks the way to do that is by joining the army."

"But it never did us any good!" Remus began to pace and Sirius' brow contracted into a deep frown.

"No." He agreed cautiously. "It didn't. But we were friends and that friendship only deepened when we were in special ops."

Remus was silent as he continued to pace. His knee rebelled again and he grunted softly before sinking, defeated, into a nearby chair.

"What's going on? You haven't been sleeping again."

"Nothing."

"Liar. The nightmares are getting bad again, you aren't sleeping. You look like death didn't want you so spat you back out. What's going on?"

Remus glanced towards Harry's door before he spoke softly. "Tell me about your date."

Sirius' eyes narrowed. "Tit for Tat." He agreed. "She is 20 and an arts student."

"She is very young."

"That's not even the worst part."

Remus waited.

"She was a psychology major. Psychology." Sirius laughed bitterly. "Want to know what she told me? That I had unresolved issues which is why I am a serial dater. That I had probably had some trauma in my past and that meant I have trust issues. Fancy that, I have trauma in my past."

Remus' eyes were pained. "Sirius…"

"Thing is, I know she is right. But really, some kid at university can tell me that it will be ok, that I am fixable and that whatever happened probably isn't that bad. Know what she said. 'Things are never as bad as they seem. Take a step back, re-evaluate your life and goals and you will be fine. You probably think you were hard done by and that accentuated the trauma in your mind'."

"Sirius, no… It wasn't a 'minor' trauma. You know that. It was hell."

"She's right. I never moved past it."

"Your best friend was killed by a person you trusted! You were in prison for a year! You went through things that no one could imagine and you expect to be unscarred by that?"

Sirius' lips twisted into a pained smile. "You don't go through multiple girlfriends in a week."

"I don't do anything with girls, Sirius. She was wrong. You have never exaggerated what happened out there. She is young, fresh with ideas from lectures and probably untouched by trauma from how she talks. Do not take what she said to heart."

Sirius managed a more normal smile. "This is why I keep you around." He nodded decisively. "Thanks. I needed to stop sulking."

Remus smiled. "She is naïve. Do not take her words to heart."

Sirius walked back to the kitchen and reappeared a few minutes later with two new cups of tea. "Your turn."

"It's the normal thing." Remus sipped the hot drink slowly. "Nothing changes. I see James being blown up. Hear them telling me that it was Peter. Feel them…" A violent shudder rippled through him and his tea sloshed onto his hands.

Sirius removed the cup from his friend's hands and set it on the table.

"Remus. Look at me."

Their eyes met and looked. Sirius' eyes steady and calm, Remus' filled with tortured pain.

"You are safe. I swear, it will never happen again."

"I know." Remus laughed weakly, shakily. "Harry noticed this time." He rubbed his eyes.

"You normally go back to sleep after the nightmares." Sirius spoke softly. "Are they getting worse?"

"It's just a bad time of year."

Sirius nodded slowly. "Ok. Keep your door unlocked."

"No." Remus lurched to his feet. "No."

"Remus." Sirius stood, shoulder to shoulder, with his friend. "Relax. Going to bed like this won't help you sleep."

"I will be fine."

"You have to tell me one day." Sirius spoke carefully. "I know some things. From court."

"Please. Sirius. Not tonight. Please."

"Ok. If I hear you scream I am knocking the door down." His words were serious but they both knew they rang false. Remus would not leave his door unlocked. Sirius would not breech his friend's privacy.

"Wake me up." Sirius griped the slighter man's shoulder tightly for a moment. Remus nodded once and vanished into his room. His cup of tea abandoned. Sirius had pushed too far.