Warning. Crackfic. Short. Unkindness to Ziva, and maybe some to Tim, not sure yet, as I've been told by people that matter that I'm not to write about him anymore. Written in response to this week's episode, to which, when I gave her the cliff notes, Velveteen Habit summed up in one word. "Geezus"

They had been down this road once or twice already. Tony was pretty sure it was twice, at least in the 'being left out of the loop' category. Whoops, nope, make that three times. And now he had been just been found doing something strange by his boss, and tried to decide whether to even bother telling the man what he was up to.

"What the hell're you doin', DiNozzo? Got bugs or something?"

"You know Boss, I just might have, and not of the four legged kind, but that's not what I was looking for."

Tony had been searching his clothing for a label that he was now sure had been missing for the last eight years.

"I can't seem to find it, but I know it must be there, you know, maybe like the paper sign that someone tapes to an idiot's back that says 'Kick me.' Huh, bet there must be one of those back there, too, now that I think about it."

"Yeah, I think maybe Cate left that on ya as a parting gift from her. Been working pretty good so far, hasn't it?" he grinned over his coffee cup.

"Sure has, and I think maybe Jen -er, Director Shepard added one when she got here." He craned his neck around to an unreasonable angle trying to see the middle of his back. "The one that says 'Doormat. Please wipe all the mud and dog crap off your boots onto me, I can take it.' On the back it says 'Really. Go ahead, I have my father's designer boot prints on me to prove it.'

"Oh yeah. That one. You'll never find it, might as well stop looking." Gibbs declared haughtily as he sat down at his desk. "I think the writers tatted it on in top-secret invisible ink. Only we can see it, not you."

"Ahhhh. That explains it then." Tony answered cooly and sat down to his own computer to work.

"So what made ya look for it this time, DiNozzo?"

"Oh, well, I dunno, I was just kind of getting these vibes from Ziva and -"

"Rule Damn 12, DiNozzo!"

"Oh, yeah, like I could forget that by now, Boss." Tony snarked. "No, it's nothing like that, no matter what the Tiva fans think, it was more like the 'she's doing something she shouldn't that's going to end up with shit hitting the fan and most all of it landing on Anthony DiNozzo' sort of thing. I was figuring it up in my head and this is like, what, the third time she's shafted me after spending months trying to make me think she wants to be my BFF? Or worse..."

"I'm not getting it, DiNozzo, but then again, I don't get much outside of the Marines and boat building.

What could Ziver be doing that would upset anyone? She's a good girl, and she's learned her lessons about what a team and family are all about, so lay off her."

"Huh. Well. Yeah, now that you mention it, I think maybe I will. Cause you know, she started this game of hers the first thing she got here. Playing all coy and innocent, and the 'I only kill those who truly deserve it' routine. Left me out of that big dinner she put on for 'the team', then tried to make up for it by inviting me to a cozy meal, just the two of us. Should have known then where I stood with all you guys, but ya know, I'm a glass half full kinda nitwit.

"Then when you were in la la land" Tony blithely continued, "after that concussion coma, she called you instead of letting me know she had an assassin trying to do her in. Still, I swallowed my pride and pitched right in when I accidentally found out, and voila, she lived to save another day.

"And who could ever forget the 'I don't know Michael Rivkin and I don't recall sleeping with him' incident? You know, the one where she was doing the horizontal bop with a guy we all knew was a terrorist and didn't try to do anything about it until it was too late even though I tried to help her before she got in too deep and got killed, or worse, arrested for treason and sent to Gitmo. But then, everything came out okay for her on that one too, funny that. All she had to do was come down to your basement and cry big tears and look like Kelly and you fell like an elephant off a cliff. Went a little sideways for me for a while, though, what with her boyfriend trying to murderize me in a drunken rage and then her trying to do the same in Israel but then it was all 'he said, she said', and I don't think anyone really believed me when I mentioned something about her knocking me to the pavement while I was defenseless with a broken arm in a sling and she held a loaded gun to my chest. But I digress. Or do I? Did I mention her father wanted to end me, too? Probably not the best endorsement for a supposed future son in law.

"And now..now she wants revenge on the man whom she, for all I ever understood, couldn't really abide for the past three years. You know, the one who raised and groomed her to be a homicidal maniac slash sociopath for his own benefit, while totally forgetting that she even existed the rest of the time and then sent her on a suicide mission to Somalia and left her there to be tortured and all the other things crazy guys do to women they're holding captive out in the middle of the desert. But, he was her abba, and even though he betrayed her again by killing someone on American soil and hiding it from her,and she thought she might actually do her job as an NCIS agent and turn him in, he gets offed by his own people and now she's going to avenge her abba no matter the cost to herself or her team mates that she supposedly considers family. Cause avenging him will bring him back and she can make him into the father she always dreamed of but never had until she met you."

"You say something, DiNozzo?" Gibbs looked up blankly from his computer screen and drank down the dregs of his fifth cup of the day.

"Me? Say something? Why would I be saying anything, Boss? Well, I might have been intimating that
I was not going to mind Ziva David's business anymore, because even though she feels the need to know who and what I'm doing twenty-four seven, she seems to feel the need to keep everything tip-top-secret, even from you, Papa Smurf, especially when she's doing something she knows she shouldn't that might possibly get herself and her team mates in deep doo doo, cause she's Zee-vah David, and this has basically become the 'Ziva David and Company' show. Do you remember when it was just you and me and then Cate, Boss? Our nice little family, no one being nasty to each other and keeping secrets and acting like they're the only ones on the team that matter so 'lets play by my rules', shall we?

"It was really nice seeing Tom Morrow the other day, he was a great director, knew just how far over the line was too far and let us do our jobs to the best of our abilities instead of interfering every other hour because some big wig from the Hill was whispering sweet nothings in their ear on their way to avenging their father or running for governor, or, avenging their father.

"You runnin' your mouth again instead of doing your work again DiNozzo? Keep up the yabba and I'll draw a name out of a hat for your SFA position."

"Hmm. Let me guess the two names...anyways, I've decided to ignore Ziva from now on. If she wants to off the rails on a crazy train and take McGoo with her, I'm not gonna try and stop her, I've tried it before and all I've ever gotten for it was a broken arm and lots of flack for sticking my big nose in where it doesn't belong. After all, what do I know, I'm just the comic relief since season two, and dumb as a red post. No, that's dumb as a post. Dumb as a red brick. Dumb as a bag of rocks. Dumb Jock. Why should I set myself up for a lickin' just to have everyone think that my looking out for an impulsive and hard headed team mate equates to wanting to roll around in the sack with them? Present company excluded, of course, Boss.

"Nope, I think I'll just sit back and relax and have a candy bar and a cup of tea, maybe I'll even fill out my request take a little vacation, and when I get back, we'll be back to a two man team cause you sent McSuckup to Berlin with Zee-ver and they both got whacked by someone in a Kidon unit. Maybe some long-lost brother coming back to avenge Ari's death while he's at it and getting paid to do it. Sad end for the McGoo, but he'll finally learn the lesson about messin' in Ziva David's business and hoping I look like an idiot yet again when I find them holed up in some trashy hotel room giving me some lame excuse for not being told about their little 'sort of sanctioned' man hunt. That would be tasty. A little revenge of my own for her always trying to bait me into thinking I'm the man of her life and then turning around and pulling a switch me with some other guy two minutes later. Call me dead weight, will she? Personally I think she just didn't want me along so she and her 'mentor' could take up where they left off, if ya know what I mean. Yeah, I'm going to fill that form out right now, as a matter of fact. Let's see, how far away is Maui from Berlin?"