A Weakness So Terrible
Yosuke

AN: Oh, how I love Junjou Romantica. And oh, how I loved writing a fanfiction for it once before. I just can't resist giving it another shot. Hopefully this one will come out just as enjoyable. Fingers crossed, folks.

As a warning before you start reading, this story contains quite a bit of drama and some angsty-feels. It you are not comfortable with Junjou Romantica characters in such situations, please do not read, and if you do read, don't bitch about it. I gave you fair warning.

This story wasn't necessarily written to be fit into any designated point in the manga storyline, as there really is hardly any character development past the first few volumes. But if you need it somewhere, all I can say is probably towards the latter half of the series.

JR not mine.

There was a weakness to Misaki Takahashi that was constantly present in his life, deeply rooted in his mind and often awakening a dull fear that kept him grounded. He was well aware of mistakes he'd made in the past and tried vehemently never to repeat. The most significant and dominating mistake of his life, or so he believed, was the car accident that had claimed his parents' lives.

"If only..."

Those were the most resounding words in his heads whenever he thought of them. If only he hadn't talked to them on the phone that evening. If only he hadn't told them to hurry home. They'd still be alive if it weren't for him, and now that single mistake had taken control of his mind on a regular basis. The brat he'd been when he was younger was gone. Now, if anything he did ever caused even the slightest inconvenience for someone else, he berated himself unmercifully. This weakness of his was overwhelming sometimes, a weakness so terrible that it had completely shattered freedoms a kid his age would take for granted. If someone offered to do something for him, to pay for his food, to buy him presents, to help him with his work, he felt a heavy guilt settle on his shoulders. He didn't want to inconvenience anyone. He couldn't take that risk again, not after it had done so much damage the first time around.

Now despite all of the drama Misaki Takahashi would constantly go through for this weakness, it wasn't to say that he didn't have a good life. He was still an ordinary, outspoken, content college student with a bashful smile and a loving personality. He enjoyed his studies, spending time with his older brother and sister-in-law, going to work, things a normal nineteen-year-old would love to do. Sometimes, things were so good, he completely forgot about his overbearing weakness, but most of the time, he was consumed by another, very overbearing weakness.

That weakness was currently calling his cell phone for the twelfth time that day.

Misaki growled in agitation and picked up his phone, staring at the caller ID before punching the "talk" button. "What do you need now?"

"I can call all day, you know. Ignoring my calls won't help."

Misaki sighed heavily and plopped down on the sofa, staring at the ceiling of the condominium and wishing he were somewhere else. Akihiko Usami could be such a pain sometimes. It didn't matter how rich or handsome or good in bed he was. An annoyance was an annoyance. Even in another city, at a simple book signing event, this man could just as easily reach through a phone and twist around Misaki's whole day. "What are you so upset about? You usually don't call this much unless you're angry about something."

"I'm not angry. I'm just wondering why you lied to me."

Misaki's head bolted up. "Lied? When did I lie?"

Akihiko's voice was somehow deeper over the phone, a sobering fact for Misaki. It made the man a little more intimating, and wrung the truth from him so much more easily. He didn't like that he couldn't see the novelist's face when he spoke; he could be so easy to read sometimes just by looking at him, but when there was no face to match up to the voice, it was harder to tell which emotions he was trying to convey. This was something Akihiko seemed well aware of, perhaps even before Misaki was aware of it himself. Sometimes, when the older man tried to use lustful words to seduce Misaki in bed, he would deepen his voice, and it sent a pleasant shiver through the boy's body. The voice reverberated through him and made him tremble. It empowered Akihiko to see his young lover shivering as such, and would often go in for the kill after that...

Misaki jerked up from his thoughts just in time to catch Akihiko's explanation.

"When I called yesterday, you said you were at home. I just found out from Aikawa that she saw you at a restaurant with that friend of yours, Sumi-something."

The boy gawked at the accusation. "Usagi, I've told you a million times, he's my friend! And yes, I went out with him yesterday, to a small diner, not a restaurant, to have a mini-celebration with him because it was his birthday and he didn't think he needed to celebrate it! I took him out to eat to get him motivated to celebrate!" Misaki tried to calm himself, taking a deep breath. "And yes, I was at home yesterday when you called. I had just gotten back from the diner." Suddenly, Misaki bolted up, having realized something. "Wait a minute, Aikawa told you? Did... Did you have her follow me?"

"That's not important right now."

"You-! You had me followed! You called Aikawa and told her to follow me to see if I was dating someone else while you were gone!"

The sound of Akihiko clearing his throat over the phone was enough of a confession.

"I can't believe you!" Misaki stood from the couch, clutching the phone as if it would convey his anger more clearly. "How much did you pay her for that, huh? I bet her paycheck is gonna look really nice now. Was that worth it, Usagi?"

"Misaki, calm down. You're overreacting."

"I'm overreacting? No, you're overreacting! I have one small dinner with a friend and you think I'm... I'm... doing whatever I do with you... with him!" (It was difficult to use such simple words like "screw" or "sleep with" or "fuck" when talking with Akihiko. He was, after all, a pervert). "Why can't you ever trust me? Why would you think I'd run off to someone else the moment your back is turned?"

"I do trust you, Misaki. I don't trust everyone else, and I don't trust that you'll know when you're being deceived by someone just so they can get you in their bed." Akihiko's voice was slowly getting more and more filled with frustration. He was used to getting into arguments with his editor or his publishers, and even more used to escaping them before anything got too heated. Akihiko just was not a confrontational person, but that was mainly by choice; he was just too lazy to argue with anyone sometimes. But this was something he just couldn't let go. The idea that his sweet and naive Misaki could be bedded by someone else sent pangs of fury through his body, and it was obvious in the tone of his voice. But Misaki wouldn't let him win this one just because he was in the most power in the relationship, or because he was at the disadvantage in the situation, because he couldn't be there physically to see for himself if Misaki was being faithful or not.

The dark-haired boy ran a hand through his hair, trying to clear his mind before he became too overwhelmed by his anger, but the steam building inside just wasn't calming fast enough. The urge to vent was overpowering, and he bit his lip to keep himself from swearing into the phone.

"Well, you know what, Usagi? I'm not helpless like you think I am. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself, and I don't need you or Aikawa holding my hand." The venting was imminent now. "You don't want me seeing Sumi? Tough luck. He's my friend and I can see him all I want. I'm going to go see him right now, in fact."

"Misaki!"

"I'm pretty sure he's home, and I'm always welcome in his house. You don't want me to see him? Just come and try to stop me." And with that, he carried out the most satisfying "end" button punch he'd ever performed in his life. With a heavy, pent-up sigh, Misaki threw his phone on the couch without even so much as a thought to needing it later, grabbed his coat and headed for the door, wishing to cut ties with his lover for just one night so he could spend it peacefully in the company of a friend. He didn't want to be angry for the whole night. He didn't even want to be angry right then. He loved Akihiko, as difficult as it could be to admit that to himself (or to Usagi) sometimes, but he did care for him very much, and knew this fight could potentially be very damaging to them in the future. But he didn't care right then. All he wanted was to spend a night drinking with his friend, watch a bad movie, discuss strange professors, and come home the next day to listen to a heartfelt apologetic voicemail from Usagi. Then once the novelist did come back from his trip, they could make amends, discuss their problems, and from past experience, end the night in lovemaking, regardless of how much Misaki would protest.

Grabbing his key by the door, he slammed the door shut (he wondered how long he would let his emotions get the better of him), and made his way to Sumi's house.

The night dragged on at an excruciating pace. Misaki was painfully aware of each passing moment and the countdown to the inevitable meeting with Akihiko whenever he would return. He was scheduled to be back the day after tomorrow, but knowing the man and his sporadic behavior, Misaki wouldn't have been the least bit surprised to see him at Sumi's doorstep the moment the boy decided to leave.

Misaki sighed for the dozenth time that night and fell onto his side, dropping his head into Keiichi's lap with little inhibitions over the moment. Keiichi glanced down from around his shotglass at his classmate, eyeing him lazily. "Hey, you're not falling asleep on me, are you?" He patted the soft brown hair, smiling. "What a lightweight."

"Shut up, I am not," Misaki growled, closing his eyes and vaguely wishing that the large hand petting him was Usagi's. A blush stole across his face, but he was barely aware of it. A large part of him just wanted to fall asleep in the older student's lap. "Mind if I crash here for tonight, Sumi?"

"Mi casa e su casa, kid." Keiichi downed his shot quickly, reaching for the bottle of triple-distilled vodka and filling his glass again, then handing it to Misaki, who eyed it like he were being offered goat blood instead.

"N... Nah... I think I'm good for tonight."

"Lightweight," Keiichi sneered quietly and took the shot himself. Misaki didn't have the strength to object.

"Tonight's just not a good night," he said softly, his words a little slurred. "I don't want to black out... I'll just end up having nightmares."

"Oh?" Keiichi mused, setting his glass down and leaning back on his hands. In front of them, the television glowed with whatever late-night programming they'd switched it over to, but at the moment, it was only background noise to Misaki's problems. Keiichi shifted his legs a little, causing Misaki's head to move with them. "Having Usagi problems again?"

"Kinda..." The younger boy whined a little to himself and turned his head to bury his face in his upperclassman's leg, too embarrassed to admit the truth outright. Sumi had always been a great person to talk to about any problems he ever had with Akihiko, but at the same time it was a little suffocating, like the older boy was just trying to milk him for information that he could somehow use against him later. Sumi had a thing for Akihiko, that much was clear, but he knew he was still his friend. That always reassured him.

"You left him at home?" Keiichi's voice echoed in Misaki's ears; he was barely sober enough to give him most of his attention.

"No, he's out somewhere else. I forget where... He's at a book signing. He called it 'useless publicity', and he really does hate all the attention. He probably attended it for about ten minutes before telling them he had to use the bathroom, then snuck out the back to go back to his hotel." Misaki grinned a little. "He's so predictable sometimes, I wonder why they don't start guarding back entrances. They know he's bound to escape at some point."

"When does he come back?"

"Day after tomorrow, but I doubt he'll wait that long. He'll probably come pounding on your door tomorrow afternoon, looking for me. Sorry about that, in advance," Misaki mumbled before he finally gave up on coherent thought altogether and succumbed to sleep. Sumi smiled down at his friend, finding the moment endearing yet disappointing, as now his drunken camaraderie was at an end. Well, having the younger boy's problems brought to his doorstep wouldn't be as much of a bad thing as Misaki thought it'd be. It only meant Akihiko would be forced to come over, something he knew the man had sworn against. He chuckled at the thought.

Yawning lightly, he decided to follow Misaki's example and lied back himself, content with a little snooze on the floor for about a half-hour before he'd be forced to walk Misaki to the bathroom two dozen times, as prior nights of drinking had set the example of what was waiting for him. Misaki was such a lightweight. Such an adorable, Usagi-obsessed lightweight.

Misaki awoke the next day to the delightfully comfortable futon beneath him, the warm sheets wrapped around him, and the harsh banging of a fist against the front door. Groaning, he turned his face into the pillow to try and pretend the noise wasn't happening and hope someone else would answer the door. Who could be bothering him at home like this? Akihiko wasn't back yet, so the visitor had to have come for him...

His eyes shot open and he twisted to look around the room he was in. This was not his home, that fact was now clear. He was in Sumi's house, on one of his spare futons, in the tatami room. The throbbing in his head indicated a light hangover, and the fact that he was still in his clothes from the day before explained everything else. That's right, he had gone drinking over at Sumi's house in the hopes of forgetting about Usagi for a night. It seemed to have worked pretty well, but that incessant knocking at the door was bringing him crashing back down to earth at an alarming rate. He didn't want to face Akihiko yet; he didn't want to have another argument. He needed to get straightened out first. He needed to at least be presentable.

Hoping Sumi would stall the novelist at the door, Misaki jumped to his feet and raced to the bathroom, going through the morning rituals at a flurried pace. When a knocking at the bathroom door resounded loudly through the small room, the boy nearly jumped out of his skin. Quickly checking his hair once more, he cracked the door open and peeked through. Keiichi stood there, looking a little annoyed.

"An Aikawa is here to see you." He sounded even more hungover than Misaki. But the boy barely paid attention to that fact. The name "Aikawa" resonated in his head like the ticking of a bomb. Akihiko had sent Aikawa after him again? That man was unbelievable! Hadn't he heard Misaki the first time?

"I can't believe him!" Misaki sputtered, throwing the door open. "He had her follow me again! That inconsiderate little-"

"Whatever, buddy, just go talk to her. She looks like she's on the verge of a nervous breakdown."

This startled Misaki back into the present. "What?"

"I thought you said he would be here. Damn..." Sumi grumbled, rubbing the back of his neck as he turned to walk back to his room. "And here I was ready for him and everything..."

Misaki hardly listened to his friend's complaints. What could Aikawa be so panicked about? Feeling small tremors of nervousness crawl in his belly, Misaki made his way to the front door, finding the editor in the foyer with her hands intertwined in front of her stomach and her eyes concerned. An explanation to the whole thing filtered through Misaki's thought process for a moment and he considered that perhaps Aikawa had only sought him out because Akihiko had fed her some lie that Misaki had been hurt, or worse, refused to be a part of Akihiko's smut-laden fantasy novels. That would practically kill the poor woman.

"Okay, Aikawa, what does he want now? I know he had you follow me." Misaki wasn't in the mood for any of Usagi's games; Aikawa needed to get to the point before his anger swallowed him again like it had yesterday.

But his fury was quelled at the sight of tears beginning to brim in the editor's eyes. She was nearly shaking.

"Misaki, why didn't you answer your phone this morning? I had to have called at least a hundred times."

The boy flinched, suddenly remembering his phone, forcibly forgotten on the couch at the apartment. "I, uh... I guess I left it at home. I got... mad at Usagi, and I didn't want to talk to him again last night... Why? What's up?" He nearly choked on the question, his brain telling him it was a dangerous question to ask, because some very dangerous answer was waiting for him.

"Misaki... I need you to stay calm, okay? Don't panic when I tell you." Her voice sounded slightly urgent, and it made Misaki's skin prickle. He took a step forward, eyes searching her face in trepidation.

"What? What happened?" This moment was so familiar... Why was that?

"Usami, he was rushing home late last night..."

Misaki's stomach curled into knots, his heart lurching into his throat. Haunting memories began to automatically fill in the blanks, and he had to will himself viciously to keep listening in case he was jumping to conclusions, like he had a tendency to do.

"I told him we'd have him on a train the next day, but he refused, said he needed to see you. He said something was wrong... He looked pretty angry..." Aikawa clearly did not want to have to deliver this news to the boy. "He took my car and drove back into town. But there... there was an accident..."

Without realizing it had happened, Misaki had fallen to sit on the floor, staring up at Aikawa as if she had just delivered him a death sentence. Gradually, he slipped into tunnel vision, and her voice echoed softly in his ears.

"He's alive, Misaki, but he's hurt. He was taken to the hospital. Apparently, he ran a red light, and the other car didn't see him in time."

The words became garbled, slurred, like he was trying to hear someone from the bottom of a pool. He altogether forgot about his breathing, even as his heart hammered at a dangerously slow pace in his shaking chest. A mixture of reactions was brimming in his head, too confused to know which one would be most appropriate for the situation. The first one that seemed to want to be the most noticed was denial...

Usagi was fine. He was absolutely fine. Aikawa was just making a big deal about it because she'd heard her cash cow got into a fender-bender. That was all.

Then anger slowly started surfacing.

Why?... Why had this happened? Wasn't Usagi thinking? Why in the hell would he run a red light? What reckless moron hit his car? This wasn't fair!

Bit by bit, the other emotions fell into place, taking turns to mess with his thought process and render any appropriate outward emotions from him except to stare wordlessly at Aikawa.

Please, God, no... This couldn't happen. Not again. Please, don't let Usagi be hurt. Don't let him d... don't di... No, God, this isn't fair!

I can't... I can't go through this again... I can't live without Usagi... I'm dead without him...

He's... He's really been hurt... He's in a hospital because he ran a red light, got hit by a car, on his way home late last night... after getting off the phone with me. Misaki's eyes unfocused altogether as the horrid reality crashed down around him. Usagi was rushing home because of the argument. I threatened him, telling him he couldn't stop me from seeing my friends... So he rushed home to try and stop me... I did this... I caused his accident.

Aikawa's worried voice fell on deaf ears as Misaki slowly climbed to his feet, staring at nothing, focusing on nothing, only aware that his Usagi was lying in a hospital bed because he'd made him come home to stop him from doing something the older man clearly did not appreciate. Misaki had led to his parents' death the same way, and now the person he loved the most in the world would also be taken from him, because of his selfishness, because he couldn't see how Akihiko had only been trying to protect him.

The boy didn't see the house move around him as he walked, not really knowing where he was going. The world passed in slow motion, and he could just barely make out Keiichi's form in the hallway, staring at him with an unreadable expression. The older student tried to ask a question... or something... but Misaki didn't hear it. Instead, all he heard was the sound of his pulse thrumming in his ears and the uncomfortable churning of his stomach. Usagi... Usagi, what have I done?...

Part 1 end - to be continued

AN: In case I wasn't very clear, the five sets of emotions Misaki was feeling when Aikawa told him the news were the five stages of grief/death: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance. Sorry for the angst.

Happy thoughts, y'all!