Part 3
Ranma had to wonder when he would learn to keep his big mouth shut. He had agreed to this stupid contest, that didn't even have martial arts in it, and now was being trained by the most klutzy tomboy in Nerima on how to date.
'Stupid Ryoga. This is all his fault.'
On top of that, Akane had been in the kitchen ALL day. Though Kasumi had been in there with her, Ranma had very little hope. The absence of every single Tendo and Saotome family member emphasized the point.
So tonight was dining etiquette. And tomorrow was his funeral after either: a.) eating Akane's food and dying of food poisoning or b.) having his head smashed from a large malevolent mallet thrown by an angry Akane for refusing to eat her food.
Ranma let out a rough sigh at the unfairness of his life. This whole "dating" fiasco was just adding to his list of problems of the week. Akane acting all quiet and weird, and now this crazy stunt. It wasn't like he didn't have enough girl problems as is.
Ranma rounded down the stairs into the dining area to find the table loaded with food. Most of which he could surprisingly identify. And, even more shocking was that the smell made his mouth water. The young martial artist paled several shades as he knew that could only mean that the food was even more deadly than he originally thought.
Yupe. No matter how he looked at it, Ranma knew he was a dead man.
Ranma gave one final thought to making a break for it when Akane came from the kitchen. Forcing his legs to curl up Indian style, Ranma sat in front of the table. If he was going to die, he'd do it fighting.
Even if it was fighting a gag reflex.
--
Akane felt an old twinge of anger at the sight of Ranma hesitantly sitting down at the table. Though the presentation of plates, silverware, and food was expertly done and would be the envy of any fine dining establishment, Ranma had the look of a man about to put his hand into a bear trap.
Shrugging off her irritation, Akane placed the bread basket down at the table and took her place adjacent to Ranma. "Are you ready, Ranma?"
Ranma looked at Akane and calculated the pain he'd take if he ran away now or if he stayed through this dining experience to the end. During his momentary lapse of silence, Akane's eyebrows slowly lowered per second which was enough for Ranma to decide to take his chances with the unknown.
"Uh, sure." He took a deep swallow. "I guess."
Akane gave an encouraging smile, "It won't be that bad, Ranma. Learning can be fun."
"Sure, it's always fun when possible stomach rot is on the line."
Akane's sharp intake of breath and the silence that followed set off alarm bells in Ranma's head. He watched as Akane stood up and growled, "I forgot the drinks. Excuse me."
Ranma just managed to maintain a straight face as Akane walked out of view. Akane was acting like Akane. It had been several days since he'd seen the vibrant but violent tomboy. Finding her again after a week of quiet and detached Akane was like finding the spring of drowned boy after years of being cursed changing into a girl. Ranma was more than willing to suffer a short burst of pain to flush out the new Akane and bring the old one back.
Akane swept into the room, chewing her lip to try to hold back her anger. After setting the glasses down and taking her position once again, she tried to clear the air said, "Glad you waited for me."
"Like I'd wanna touch anything that came out of a kitchen you were in," Ranma grumbled under his breath.
Akane froze as her teeth gnashed together to hold down the burst of anger. 'That jerk! I'm trying to help him out and all he can do is bad mouth the food before he even tries it!'
Fisting her hands under the table and keeping her head slightly bowed, Akane tried to talk herself down from her anger. It was very hard as her feelings were more tender, and therefore, more demanding for action lately with all that had happened. With a deep breath she counted down and thought of cute things that she wouldn't want to hurt, like puppies and kittens. Anything to try to calm the red storm gathering at the edges of her mind.
Ranma could feel that little bell alarm system in his mind. It tried to warn him of when he was being a jerk and Akane was going to be pissed at him. It was a faulty system at best as it usually rang too late. However, seeing Akane all hot and bothered was something he found fascinating. He didn't understand why, there was just something so alive about Akane when she was arguing with him.
And even now, as the warning bell rang loud and clear, he felt happy. This was the Akane he knew. This was the Akane who was going to pound him into the ground after his next comment. Things were going to get back to normal.
'And about damn time, too.'
Ranma briefly wondered if he was really alright in the head for wanting to be smacked with a rather painful weapon. He shook the thought away as he watched Akane. She hadn't made a move yet which meant he needed to push a little harder.
"I mean, really, Akane. The last thing you made broke out of the oven on its own will power and began devouring all of our socks. We were lucky there was enough dirty laundry to keep the thing occupied until Dr. Tofu could finish an ofuda to zap it back to whatever dimension you summoned it from."
'He just had to bring THAT up, didn't he?' Akane's teeth clenched harder as the still sore spot of guilt nettled against her anger, inflaming it more. It wasn't her fault Happosai left some demon summoning powder in the kitchen and that it happened to look just like sugar. The quiche would have been fine other wise, especially with all the hot sauce, vinegar, and chocolate she added.
"'Puppies and kittens, Akane Tendo, just focus on how cute and cuddly and loveable and how much you DON'T want to hurt them," muttered Akane under her breath. Plus, it wouldn't do to murder her "student" on the first day of class. There's gotta be some form of bad karma with that no matter how much the jerk deserved it.
Ranma was still pain free but the little bell in his mind was now ringing like a five alarm fire. All he needed was just one more push and it would send him straight to Dr. Tofu's with Akane back to normal.
"And you're about to teach me dinner etiquette with your own cooking on the table." Ranma snorted, "Seems to be a lot of sharp and pointy silverware here. So lesson number one is be prepared for the worse, eh?"
Akane could feel her control slipping like hot molten lava through toilet paper. All mentally summoned puppies and kittens fled in terror. She gripped the table edge in a painful grasp to keep herself from turning and slugging the idiot all the way to America. She could feel herself shaking with the need to lash out but managed to stay in place. Akane knew if she followed through with her anger, she'd never get Ranma through this training and her plans would go down the drain.
Ranma turned his eyes back to Akane and waited for her to make her move. But after several moments, Akane didn't move. In fact, Ranma watched her shoulders shake but not a sound came from her. Normally this was a one second warning before Akane's anger busted out. But Akane remained in place, turned away from him. Which meant something much worse.
The little bell in Ranma's brain immediately stopped its mad ringing and dropped soundlessly into a pit of guilt as he took in the quiet trembling of Akane's form.
He made Akane cry.
Here was the tomboy who always helped him out when he needed it most. Practicing ice skating for the idiot Golden Pair's challenge, bringing him hot water in the middle of fights, she even tried to help him with his Hirten Shouten Ha training by setting herself on fire. She was always trying to help him with his challenges, even this one, and here he was making fun of her. Hurting her feelings.
'Idiot, idiot, idiot.'
Akane felt her control regain footing under the thankfully silent Ranma. She really didn't know how much more she could take.
"Ah, crap." She flinched when Ranma spoke up, expecting further abuse that she was going to have to contain. Instead, Ranma spoke softly, "Akane, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have…I mean, I'll eat whatever ya make. I'm just….It's just that…well, whatever, I'm just sorry. OK?"
Akane turned to look at Ranma. He quickly turned his head away to avoid meeting her eyes. Akane felt her heart warm pleasantly. This was the idiot she had come to love. One that could be a jerk at times, even childish, but was a good man deep down.
With a sigh Akane released the crumbling table and turned back to face Ranma, though Ranma wouldn't meet her gaze. "It's OK, Ranma. I know you're just frustrated with this challenge, that's all. And don't worry about the food. I know…." Akane stumbled a bit. Admitting failure was always very hard. Admitting to herself that this was one of her faults that lost him was even harder, "I know I can't cook so I had Kasumi make some dishes for today."
Ranma thought it was best to keep any additional comments to himself, "Hm."
Akane smiled and said encouragingly, "So why don't we get started so you can kick Ryoga's butt with his own challenge, ne?"
Ranma looked up and returned her smile, "Alright, let's eat!"
Ranma went to pick up his chopsticks and go at it when he realized, there were no chopsticks but a whole fleet of shining silver utensils flanking each side of his plate.
"First, Ranma, why don't I go through and name some of the dining utensils." Akane offered.
"Uh, sure," Ranma said hesitantly, half way to picking up the nearby fork.
"OK, I'll start with the basics." Akane picked up two pieces of silverware. "This is a knife and spoon."
Ranma scowled, "Come on, Akane. A kindergartener knows that much. Give me some credit."
"Right, just checking. Then this fork is the salad fork and this one is for your main meal. The larger spoon shaped more like a circle is for soup. The best thing to do is start from the outside and work your way in if you're not sure."
"Uh, OK." Ranma replied as he took the fork in hand, grappling it in almost a strangle like hold and frowning in contemplation.
Akane continued, "Though if you go to an Italian restaurant sometimes they serve a larger spoon with your meal so you can easily twirl up the pasta with your fork. Oh, and sometimes there's a smaller fork is placed above your plate which could be a desert fork. But depending on the shape and size it could be for the appetizer or maybe even fondue."
Ranma looked at the dinner ware in front of him and saw no such fork or spoon. "Uh…"
Akane chattered on, "So the small plate here is for your bread and the little knife is for the butter. For formal occasions you should take a pat of butter and place it on your plate. Though really nice restaurants make their own in neat little shapes and pre-serve them."
A distinct feeling of a headache was coming on to accompany the hunger pains of Ranma's stomach. 'Ah, there's another fork.'
However, Akane continued on oblivious to Ranma's stomach growls. "Then, of course, there's your drinking glass. That's for water. There's the wine glass but if you want champagne you get a flute which is taller and much thinner than the wine glass. For wine, the waiter should pour you a small taste in your glass so you do a quick taste test to make sure there was no cork failure and the wine is suitable for you and your guest. Well, that's a good starting place. So do you have any questions so far?"
"Mumph," said Ranma around a mouthful of food.
Akane humphed irritatedly. "Ranma! Are you even listening?"
"Sure," Ranma replied after a swallow, "fork, spoon, knife, glass…" he shoved another fist size lump of food into his mouth using his impromptu fork chopsticks, "mmph, mmm, mphumer….."
Akane gritted her teeth but understood that the Saotome stomach would not yield over Ranma's mind until he had finished eating. "Fine. We'll try going over the utensils again after dinner."
Akane grabbed one of his forks before he could throw another load of food into his mouth.
"Hey! I was using that!" As his fiancée glared at him, Ranma could only mumble, "Well, I was."
Akane rolled her eyes as she realized what level Ranma's table manners truly started at. "Try to eat like a normal person for once, Ranma."
Ranma frowned a bit at her request but relented as his stomach demanded appeasement. Akane's effort then shifted focus on getting Ranma to eat without stealing other people's food or looking like a pig. It was a fairly simple task. A quick mallet to the hand or a threatening "Chew your food" seemed to take care of the matter.
But getting him to understand all the intricacies of fine dining was a bit more difficult. Akane would throw in a comment or two about dining etiquette and though Ranma would repeat what she'd say, it didn't seem to sink in. It was too much like studying for Ranma's taste and he seemed to be fighting the whole affair down to the last salad fork and no elbows on the table.
But...this borderline rude table manner was the real Ranma. Open and honest. No false pretense. No putting on airs, though he did have some problems controlling his macho-ism. And once his mind and body realized that no one was going to take his food away, the feeding frenzy slowed to a more normal pace. He even stopped looking at Akane's plate as a possible food source. Granted, Ranma still ate for three or four people but he couldn't help his metabolism, could he?
So Akane considered her student's progress good, but not good enough. One part of the problem was solved but she still had to teach Ranma about utensil usage. Well, if she had to fight him, then so be it.
"Alright, Ranma, when you're done eating, change into some old clothes and meet me outside by the dojo."
Surprised, Ranma asked, "I thought we were going to do some more, uh, studying of forks and other table stuff."
Akane gave a slightly evil smile before replying, "That's why you're changing into some old clothes."
--
Ranma stepped out to the backyard in his rather world weary mandarin style shirt and pants and came to a halt as he noted a table loaded with eating utensils and, at the opposite end of the yard where Akane stood, a tea kettle bubbling over a portable burner and the garden hose.
This did not look good to Ranma.
Akane saw Ranma eye the two potential water hazards and knew she still had some hope for this training session. Ranma always complained about his curse. Not because it was painful, but because it was…..disconcerting having parts and pieces shrink and grow instantaneously. An experience he tried to avoid whenever possible. Hence, the impetus to quick learning, or so Akane hoped.
"Alright, Ranma Saotome. I challenge you to a food fight. I'm going to call out a type of food or utensil, then spray water at you. You must catch or deflect the water spray with the right utensils. If you fail, you get a sex change."
"What? You've got to be kidding me. How is this a food fight with no food?" Ranma said incredulously.
"Kasumi would be upset at the mess and Nabiki would murder me in my sleep for wasting so much food." Akane shrugged, "So we're making due."
Ranma crossed his arms in front of his chest, "This is stupid."
Akane knew Ranma would balk at subjecting himself to multiple sex changes, but she was prepared for this event. Akane gave a small exasperated sigh before innocently saying, "Oh, so you're saying you can't do this? I should have known this was too much for you."
"I never said that. I'm just saying...that, uh..." Ranma scrambled to find an excuse that his pride would allow. "That I need an award for getting the answer right."
Akane raised an eyebrow at that. "You don't have to continuously activate your curse. Isn't that award enough?"
Ranma shook his head, "Uh, uh. Here's the deal. I get the answer wrong, I get splashed. BUT for every answer I get right, you don't sleep with P-chan for a night."
Akane blinked, "Wait. So for every answer you get right, is one additional night I don't sleep with...ah, with P-chan?"
With a cocky grin, Ranma nodded his head, "Yupe, so you willing to play?"
"You're on, Ranma," Akane said with a smile.
Ranma had to wonder why Akane so readily agreed to those rules. Either she didn't think he could pull this off or there was something else going on. Well, if she thought he couldn't do this, Akane was about to have another thing coming. "Fine, let's go."
Besides, Ranma always prided himself as a quick learner, especially when his manhood was involved.
--
Later that night, a slightly damp but male Ranma asked, "How many is that, Akane?"
"You're up to 59," replied Akane.
Ranma nodded, "Alright, one more time."
"Caesar salad!" Akane called out, sending a spray of cold water towards Ranma.
Grabbing an appropriately sized plate and fork, Ranma blocked the water spray, then smiled cockily as he waved the utensils at Akane.
Akane dropped the hose then clapped her hands, "Great, Ranma! That's 60!"
"Good." Ranma smiled smugly to himself. He knew that idiot Ryoga would be hanging round here a lot more with the challenge coming up. But he also knew Akane would keep her end of the bargain and keep bacon breath out of her room at night.
Akane flushed with pride at Ranma and for herself. The lesson seemed to go very well and Ranma picked up most of the essentials. Though it did take several curse activations before Ranma started to identify utensils.
"Excellent work, student," her voice taking on the mocking tone of an older sensei lecturing their juniors. "Some day you may become a master like me."
Ranma quickly picked up on the tone. Pleased with himself, he mocked back, "Oh, to hope that one day I could eat at your side, sensei."
Akane giggled at their silliness.
Ranma blinked at Akane's reaction, "Well, that's something I haven't heard in a while."
Akane immediately realized how true that was. "I've been pretty pre-occupied."
Ranma frowned, "With what, your date with Ryoga? Bet you can't wait."
'No, with how to keep my heart from breaking any further,' thought Akane. Instead of showing her hurt, Akane decided to take a well known path and snapped back, "Oh, and I bet you can't wait to have your little date with Ukyou?"
"At least she won't pound me into the ground for using the wrong fork!" shot back Ranma.
Akane's ramrod straight back and clenched fists caused Ranma to immediately snap his mouth shut before anything else leaped from his mouth. He recognized that posture as Akane's standard willing the mighty mallet to this dimension to knock him out of it. Ranma felt a twinge of disappointment that somehow the night ended up with Akane upset and with him landing rough and female in some unknown location.
But his disappointment quickly evaporated to fear when Akane relaxed suddenly gave him a Nabiki smile.
"Since we seem to be done here, I'll see you tomorrow morning." Akane's anger was still evident as she turned stiffly and stomped toward the back door of the Tendo house.
With goosebumps still running along his spine, Ranma asked, "Uh, what….what's happening tomorrow?"
"Part 2 of your education, Ranma. Make sure to clean up the mess back here or else Kasumi will be disappointed." And with that Akane shut the door.
Ranma took note of the backyard littered with various plates, utensils, and glasses, then sighed. Angry Akane he knew how to deal with but a disappointed Kasumi was not something he wanted to incur. Muttering about stubborn uncute tomboys, Ranma accepted his punishment.