"Wow. What a great movie! And what a Joker!" exclaimed Ivy as she, Selina Kyle, Harley Quinn, and the Joker left the movie theater. "I have never understood people's attraction to you before, J, although I guess nobody but Harley ever was attracted to you, but this version…oh, wow! So dark and disturbed and hot!"

"Oh yeah, I can really feel this Joker's pain," sighed Selina Kyle. "I love the darkness in him, the agony behind the smile. I've always liked deep, dark, and disturbed guys!"

"And I don't think we're the only ones," said Ivy, nodding at the huge line of fangirls in front of the theater, most of them wearing Joker makeup. "He's taken the cartoonish supervillain you are and made you into a total psychotic heartthrob! It's a miracle!"

The Joker said nothing. He had his arms folded across his chest and was glaring at the ground, as he had been doing since they left the theater. Harley cuddled him gently and kissed him. "What did you think of the movie, Mr. J?" she asked.

He shrugged. "Liked the pencil gag," he muttered.

Harley beamed. "That was my idea, Mr. J!" she exclaimed.

"Actually, it wasn't that funny," he snapped. "Hard to be funny without a whoopie cushion in sight."

"I think J's probably just jealous that everyone loves Harker Joker more than him," retorted Ivy, grinning. "I know I do."

"Well, I don't!" snapped Harley. "And I'm sure most people don't either! You can't judge everyone based on a load of screaming teenage fangirls – they like sparkly vampires, for God's sake! They ain't got no taste!"

At that moment, one of the teenage girls suddenly noticed the Joker. She shrieked and pointed, rushing over to him, and the army of fangirls followed her. "Oh, wait, never mind, girls, it's not the real Joker," she said, her face falling as she saw him. "Just some old guy in clown makeup. Why don't you grow up, grandpa?" she snapped.

The Joker was livid, reaching for the flower in his buttonhole. "Just let it go, J," snapped Ivy, grabbing his hand as Harley tried to drag him away. He suddenly sprayed a cloud of Joker toxin into the crowd.

"Joke's on you, isn't it, you bunch of brain-dead bimbos?!" he shrieked as Harley dragged him away amid the dying laughter. "Let's see your precious Harker tell a gasser like that!"

Back at their hideout, Joker didn't say a word, glaring at the TV with his arms folded firmly across his chest. Harley climbed into bed next to him and cuddled him. "Puddin'?" she said, kissing his cheek.

He grunted. "I didn't really enjoy the movie, y'know," said Harley. "I mean, the ending didn't make any sense. Why would Batman even need to sacrifice himself for the people of Gotham? Why wouldn't he just blame you…I mean…Harker's Joker, for the people who died? He'd been killing people the whole movie! I was laughing all the way through that big, meaningful ending speech about him being the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs, or whatever crap it was. And poor Harvey was just wasted. He's a pretty good villain, y'know – I dunno why they didn't do more with his character. And why do people always make Batman's alter ego Bruce Wayne? That don't make any sense at all. Do you think it's just a case of the unhealthy obsession with celebrity which defines our modern culture?"

Joker didn't respond. He just glared at the TV. "Yeah, I think it probably is," continued Harley. "Bruce Wayne must be pretty pleased about it, though – he can go around telling all the dames he's Batman. Probably why he has so many dames, huh, Mr. J?"

Joker continued to ignore her. "Yeah, but who can love a guy like that?" asked Harley. "A guy everybody loves ain't attractive. Never been a gal who went with popular taste, y'know. I knew the guy I loved had gotta be special. And then I met you, Mr. J, and I knew in that instant that you were my special guy. Who cares what the world thinks? There's only one Joker for me, and there's only one man for me. And that's you, Mr. J," she breathed, leaning forward to kiss him.

He still didn't respond, eyes fixed on the TV screen. "Aw, c'mon, puddin'," she murmured, stroking his hair back. "Why so serious?"

He suddenly seized her around the throat. "What…did…you…say?" he hissed furiously.

"N…nothing, puddin', I didn't mean it like that…" she stammered. He threw her away from him, focusing back on the TV.

"You watching the news?" he demanded suddenly.

Harley hadn't been, but she turned to see pictures of Edward Harker being flashed across the screen. "He's dead, Harley," muttered Joker. "He's killed himself. And he's won."

He slammed his fist down on the nightstand. "That clever bastard!" he hissed. "He's had the last laugh! He knew that was the only way to beat me! To die now, prematurely, at the height of his popularity, will ensure he's forever enshrined in the hearts and minds of the public! He's made himself into a martyr, and people are never going to forget him! Or his last role! He'll always be the Joker now! Always and forever!"

He groaned, burying his face in his hands. "I should have killed him when I had the chance! Why does nothing I do ever work?! Back in the day, when people died, that was it! But now when people die, they're idolized and immortalized! There's gonna be books and stories and art about this guy floating around forever! He's become more popular than me, and now he always will be! Even if I killed myself now to equal him, no one would care!"

"I would, puddin'," breathed Harley. "And Batsy would. You're the only Joker to him too."

He lifted his head, smiling suddenly. "That's true, Harley. Bats doesn't prefer that other Joker to me. He didn't try to make him smile and and laugh like I did – he just tried to kill him! No style, no respect for tradition! Well, Batsy respects tradition! And I'll always have Bats!"

"And me," reminded Harley.

"Yeah, yeah, and you. But when a guy's got his nemesis, what more does he need?" sighed Joker. "And I have the real Bats as my nemesis, not this sore throat guy."

"And you got me, Mr. J," reminded Harley again, cuddling him. "This other Joker don't have an attractive gal like me who's crazy about him."

"True, pooh," he agreed, kissing her fondly. "I did get the girl in the end."

"Like I said, Mr. J, who cares what the world thinks?" whispered Harley. "You'll always be my one and only Joker."

She shut her eyes and sighed happily as he kissed her. Her eyes snapped open again suddenly when she heard the news say "…notes left written by the actor reveal just how thoroughly he researched his character. One of the pieces of information he noted down was that apparently Gotham's notorious supervillainess Poison Ivy had been having a long-term affair with the Joker, unbeknownst to the Joker's girlfriend, Harley Quinn. The pair, apparently by Poison Ivy's own admission, had engaged in several sexual encounters…"

Harley gaped at the TV, and then suddenly struck Joker a harsh blow across the face. "You bastard!" she shrieked. "You cheating, lying, filthy bastard!"

"But…pooh…it's not true…you know that!" exclaimed Joker, trying to fend off her blows. "Pammie and me hate each other! She probably just told Harker that to get him into bed! You know how method he was – he probably wouldn't have done it otherwise…"

She stopped hitting him suddenly. "Yeah, that does make sense, actually," she snapped. "I'm still gonna kill her for it, though! Now the whole world thinks you and Red are a couple!"

Joker grinned. "But like you just said, pooh, who cares what the world thinks…"

"Shut up, Mr. J!" she snapped. "This is completely different! This is about people thinking you'd cheat on me, and that ain't funny!"

Joker began chuckling madly. "No, but it is funny to think about Pammie's face right now! She's gonna be furious! I'm never gonna let her live it down either!"

He laughed hysterically. "I'm feeling much better already, pooh!" he exclaimed, kissing her. "Let's go to bed, huh?"

He kept giggling as he lay down, cuddling Harley gently against him. Harley couldn't help smiling, despite how angry she was at Ivy. She just loved the way he laughed. Nobody could ever replace her Joker, at least not in her heart.

She kissed him. "I love you, my Joker," she whispered.

He beamed. "The one and only, kiddo," he said, shutting his eyes. "The one and only."

The End