Title: A Captain's Hesitation

After Don Achino Arc

It was nighttime. It was dark and a bit cold and everyone was sleeping. Well…almost everyone. Despite wearing himself out in multiple ways and desperately needing sleep Luffy was up. Usually Luffy would be sleeping considering that he didn't like being on watch duty but he had insisted on it tonight. There were multiple protests from his crew-mainly from their doctor-but Luffy demanded it. Saying they deserved the rest and that he wanted to take the shifts. And when Luffy wanted something there was no stopping him from getting it. Thus, Luffy is on watch duty.

Luffy was standing in the middle of the grassy deck of the Sunny, looking around and examining his surroundings carefully. Eyes lingering and narrowing everytime he thought he may have seen something, only for him to relax and move on a moment later when he realized it nothing to worry about. After a good half an hour of that, he sighed. He looked around once more, briefer but still just as cautious, if not more so. When he was done, he nodded slightly to himself before climbing up to the watch tower. He paused at the door before reaching up above; fingers searching for a hand hold. When they found one he quickly and silently pulled himself up to the roof. He quickly moved so that he was near the center, next to the pole that proudly held their pirate flag.

For a moment all he did was stare at the flag. Examining it carefully and taking in each detail, committing it all to exact memory. Then he sighed again. Moving and positioning himself so that his back was leaning against the pole on the opposite side of where the flag was tied. He looked up into the dark sky. The millions of stars in the sky shining only bright enough for Luffy to make out a few things in the distance. There was no moon tonight.

Looking down again, Luffy titled his hat so that it covered and hide his face. He sighed again and folded his arms behind his head. It was quiet again. The only sounds were an occasional wave hitting against the hull. Then he spoke. It was a quiet and soft whisper that was unusual for the very loud and rambunctious teenager and anyone who heard it would've done a double take.

"Ne, Sunny…Do you think this counts as mutiny?"

There was no answer. He continued.

"Do you think I've been a bad captain? All captains should have respect from their crew so…have I been a bad a captain?" His voice becoming small "A crew that respects their captain wouldn't do something like this would they? If a captain is a bad captain then the crew doesn't respect him right? So…I've been…a bad captain…" his voice cracked and he had to bite his lip against the pressure that was building up behind his eyes. "…Right?"

It was quiet again as recent memories of running after his crew flashed at the front of Luffy's mind. Memories of him pausing. Of him watching with wide eyes as his crew sent Usopp flying towards the ship with the flag. Of them tying it on and then telling him it had been there all along when he finally caught up with them. And then memories of him just staring at them for moment before smiling. Smiling and apologizing.

He couldn't hold back the pressure anymore. Biting down on his lip until he tasted an all too familiar metallic, and yet slightly sweet taste of blood, he let a few tears rolled down. He deserved it all right? He was a bad captain wasn't he? This kind of treachery is normal when a crew has a bad captain isn't it? So why did he feel so hurt? Why did it hurt so much? Maybe he just finally realized his crew really didn't need him. Didn't want him. But hadn't Usopp asked to come back? Begged to in fact? And hadn't Zoro demanded respect for him? Hadn't Robin pleaded for him to take her back to sea with them in front the entire Enies Lobby and CP9?

So then...why?

The tears flowed more insistently and blood was starting to drip down his chin. Blood and tears were starting to make an odd mixture in his lap. Luffy had always thought that blood and tears were an odd mixture together. They were different but they both something you might shed and sacrifice for someone or something. And that reminded Luffy of his crew. They were all an odd mixture when put together but Luffy would sacrifice anything for them. They were his nakama. His crew. His family.

And you're their bad captain...

More tears and blood.

Luffy stayed like that for a while longer. Crying, bleeding and drowning in self-loathing and something else he couldn't quite place. After that, he rubbed the drying blood off his chin and tears from his eyes. He looked up and noticed that everyone would be getting up soon. That is, if the sun starting to peak out in sky was any indication. Had he really been there for that long? It felt like seconds ago that he climbed up here. It was a bit surreal.

Luffy rose onto slightly unsteady feet and made his way carefully to the grassy deck of the Sunny. He made his way to the bathroom, determined not to look as pathetic as he felt. He washed his face and looked in the mirror. His eyes were red-rimmed and slightly bloodshot and there was a minor gash on his lower lip. Luffy sighed knowing there would questions. Then he stifled a yawn. He needed sleep. Yeah, sleep...he'd look normal again after a nice long nap. So, making up his mind that there was no other way out, Luffy headed towards the Men's quarters, head down in case he ran into anyone who decided to wake up extra early. He paused in the entrance of the sleeping room, looking over his present crewmates. Luffy couldn't help but wonder what they thought of him, what he was to them. His crewmates were some of the few people on Earth whose opinions could affect him in any way so he couldn't help wonder. But if yesterday was anything to judge by...

Luffy was starting to feel quite nostalgic. A dry smile made its way to face as he walked over to his bed. Sleep took him over quicker than expected as he slipped into a slightly nightmare-ish sleep.