The Weight of the World

I was thoroughly disgusted with myself and for more reasons than one.

The second Jacob Black's lips left mine was the second I felt it all, the repercussions of my actions.

Well-earned remorse flooded through me, choking me and dominating every other emotion that took place there. Those of pain, those of worry, those of fear were muted, encompassed tremendously in comparison to that of my guilt. How could I have kissed him? Why did I let this happen? What had I just done? How could I betray Edward like this?

Tears slipped down my cheeks as I walked back to the tent in which he surely waited, dreading the expression on his face when he discovered what I'd done. I couldn't bear seeing it, let alone imagining it, but I was the cause of it. No matter what his face bore it would bear pain, an emotion he didn't deserve to ever experience but was forced to time and time again because of me. I knew him well enough to know that.

I'd promised I'd be his wife a mere two days ago, and already, I'd thrown his declaration back in his face by kissing another man, a man who he openly detested, and a man I claimed I had no feelings for. It may have been to save Jacob's life, but kissing him wasn't the only way to do achieve the same result. Any way would've been preferable to this; to backstabbing the man I truly loved. I had ruined everything.

A hysterical sob escaped me when I realised this.

If he wanted to leave, I'd let him. I deserved nothing less. In fact, I craved the rise of his voice, the harsh whip of his words, the accusations he'd surely deliver, because perhaps they would alleviate the guilt I felt by a fraction or at least give him some satisfaction that I'd paid the price for betraying him.

I needed to make things right!

My heart thundered all the more as I drew closer to the tent, not knowing what I'd find and my hands trembled to no end.

As I listened carefully, I could hear nothing, save the chirping of finches nearby.

Was he even here?

Had he already left?

The thought of him leaving without saying goodbye made my stomach churn and the dizziness I felt almost overcome me, but I didn't stop advancing forward.

Despite my wish for a cold confrontation, I was still selfish enough to want him. I needed him to know that I'd made a mistake and that Jacob meant nothing to me.

I had to give myself at least a slight chance of redeeming myself.

I winced.

I didn't deserve salvation.

Not by a long shot.

I stopped, having reached the tent, and took a deep breath, wanting to prepare myself for whatever words he planned to hurl at me.

Not giving myself a chance to back out, I brushed the tent opening aside with my fingertips, and stepped through.

I was greeted with silence.

He was standing with his back to me.

Alone.

I wished I could see his face.

I wanted to know the extent of the damage I'd caused.

He needed to see my remorse!

I shifted uncomfortably when no change occurred.

He had to be aware of my presence; my scent should've invaded the entire tent by now.

Yet, still he didn't turn.

"Edward," I whispered, edging closer to him.

He remained immobile as stone.

"Please…look at me."

I walked even closer.

"Please… I'm sorry. Just hear me out."

So fast I didn't see it coming, he was facing me.

I cringed.

I'd expected his face to portray his fury, or perhaps be impassive, but not this…

This…he wasn't even angry.

He was hurt.

It was visible in the lifelessness of his black eyes, his hunched stance, and even in the set of his jaw.

Never had I seen him looked so resigned, so lost.

I'd always regarded him as a grown man, capable of anything and everything, but now he was reduced to what he really was, a scared, seventeen year old boy.

Tears welled in my eyes again, but I hardly registered them.

In a choked whisper, I repeated his name.

He flinched at the sound of it.

Then he finally spoke.

His voice was quiet, laced with agony.

"You don't have to be here. I understand. You don't have to explain anything to me."

"I want to be here."

"Why?"

"Because I owe you an apology."

"You don't owe me anything," he whispered. "I told you I'd let you choose."

I shook my head violently. "I choose you."

"Then why did you kiss him?"

I flinched.

"I wanted to save him."

He sighed.

"Do you really think he'd be that noble? That he'd sacrifice his place in the fight to stay here with you when I'm here?"

"I wasn't sure."

My arguments were pitiful, even to my ears.

"Hurting you is the last thing I want to do, but you need to know this," he began, looking anywhere but into my eyes. "If you love me like you say you do, why do you always run to him? You know what he wants from you, yet you still visit him frequently. Is my company not enough? I know I made a mistake last September but I've been trying as hard as I can to regain your trust and make up for what I did. What more can I do? I can't stand this any more! I promised I'd give you time to choose, but I need to know now. Do you love me or do you love him?

I understand that by choosing him you would gain so many more assets, but when you agreed to marry me, I was under the assumption that you'd chosen me. That night was one of the happiest of my life because despite my faults, despite being the despicable man I am, you chose me."

His voice shook with his next words and his dead eyes flashed to mine.

"But then you kissed him and now I have no idea what to think. I hate doubting you and your feelings for me, but how can I not? He's human. I'm not. Have you changed your mind? I need to know. My heart can't take it any longer. Please, if you're intending to choose him, then just do it. I won't blame you nor will I be angry with you if you do. Just please, please, don't say or do something you don't mean. If you love him, go to him. I am begging you. Please."

I looked down. "Do you even want me any more?"

His eyes widened and his next words were rushed, but undeniably sincere.

"Don't misunderstand me. I want you, no I need you, more than words can properly express, but I need to know the truth. Without you, I have nothing, I cannot live, but if you feel the same way for him, then how can I change your mind? Fighting for you is fruitless if you don't care for me any longer."

"My feelings for you never stopped," I told him. "The kiss was a mistake, one I intend to never make ever again."

His breath caught.

"My feelings for Jacob are platonic as they always have been. You say being with Jacob rather than you is way more advantageous for me, but I don't believe that's true."

"But he can give you children and a life as a human. You wouldn't have to become a monster for him," he protested.

I took another step forward, bravely taking his hand.

He looked at our linked hands, shocked, but did not pull away.

"Having those things mean nothing to me if real love isn't included in the package. Jacob can't make me smile like you do, he can't compare to you, not in the slightest. You're perfect. You make me feel strong, you make me feel like I'm worth something, you're selfless, you're unfailingly kind and you treat me right. Everything about you I love, but most of all, you make me happy, blissful even. Everything feels right when I'm with you."

"Doesn't Jacob do all of those things too?" he asked doubtfully.

"To an extent, but you outshine him in every aspect, and without you, I can't function. I love you, I choose you! I always have," I declared.

He smiled.

It only a slight curve upwards of his lips.

But it was still a smile.

"You don't believe me, do you?" I murmured after a minute, the ecstasy of my epiphany fading away when I realised how miserable he still looked. I paled, realising the irony of the situation and my choice of words. He'd used them a few of months ago, on me, the day we'd come back from Italy. "I'm sorry I led you to believe otherwise, but I love you, only you."

He nodded, still looking downcast.

"I meant what I just said, I really do," I assured him.

"I know you do, I just…I'm trying to make myself believe it."

An idea came to mind and I almost smiled.

I was almost certain this would work.

"Is it all right if you gave me my ring back, I mean, I'd like to wear it every day from now on, you know, so people know I'm yours."

His lips stretched into a wide genuine smile and his eyes grew alight with the sudden hope I'd inspired within him.

"You really mean it, don't you? You love me. You still want to be with me. You still want to get married?" he stated hesitantly, holding his breath.

"Of course I do. Who cares what everyone else thinks. As long as I get to be with you, they can gossip all day for all I care. I've learnt how trivial that crap is."

He laughed.

I'd never loved the sound of it as much as I did in that moment.

Before I even realised what was happening, he'd lifted me into his arms and was spinning us around in a full circle. He set me down on my feet, and grinned.

"I love you, I'm so glad you want to be with me," he told me tenderly before kissing me like he never had before.

I smiled against his lips. "I love you too."

His hand disappeared into his jacket pocket and he slid the ring he'd kept there onto the third finger of my left hand.

It would never stray from there now.

It was where it belonged.

No matter how angsty my fics start out, they always conclude with a happy ending because I'm a sucker for things like that. Hmm, I wonder if that's a good or a bad thing ;)

Review, please?