Pride, Prejudice, and the Humbling of Draco Malfoy

Book # 1

Chapter One: A Truth Universally Acknowledged

- From the Desk of Draco Malfoy -

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a man who is told to read Pride and Prejudice by Jane Austen must be in want of some sanity (or sympathy, depending on how you look at it).

Seriously, though...who the hell knew that I could read on and on for pages with nothing to fill the void but the ridiculous tale of some preposterous sisters who spend their lives searching for suitors? Come now, surely Granger could have given me something with a bit more...meat to it for the start of this challenge. I have a long list of comments prepared, and seeing as how I'm not exactly certain how I should start these reviews, I suppose the most logical approach is to just spew out some of the most groundbreaking thoughts I harbored about the characters in this book. So...right then. Here we go:

- Caroline Bingley is a vain bitch, and in all honesty I had to resist the urge to vomit every time she was mentioned.

- The Bennets remind me of the Weasleys-they have more children than they can afford. Plus they're crazy (meet Mrs. Bennet and then contradict this statement-I dare you).

- Who the fuck names their child after the nickname for a cat? Did you just run out of painfully boring names to use?

- I have a theory that this "Jane Bennet is a genuinely good character" idea is a load of Hippogriff shit.

- It's no wonder why you're still a bachelor if your last name is Bingley. I'm just saying.

- How does anyone even tolerate George Wickham? Really-all he does is bitch and whine about the people who have fucked him over; a bit like Potter, really. "Voldemort killed my parents!" "Darcy robbed me of money!" Go whine your pathetic orphan tears; no one gives a shit.

- Mr. Collins is the reason that plagues are necessary.

- If your name is Fitzwilliam, then there's probably a reason why the love of your life takes an entire novel to become interested in you.

Let's talk a bit about Elizabeth Bennet herself, though. How judgmental she is, for starters-she's so bloody quick to assume the worst about the very people who turn out to be the greatest (by Muggle standards, of course). I like to imagine that she is, quite possibly, the worst judge of character in all of Great Britain. Though I suppose in her defense, it's understandable why she comes up with the conclusions she does-Darcy does, for all intents and purposes, treat her like shit at first. And then he falls in love with her out of nowhere? Because he's fixating on her beautiful brown eyes or something?

Do you know what else is brown, Darcy? The load of shit you're spitting out.

I suppose, all-in-all, that Elizabeth Bennet isn't the most terrible thing to happen to this story. She is, after all, the most intelligent out of all of her sisters. She isn't a bleeding moron like Lydia (Don't get me started. Just...don't), and she seems to have a firmer head on her shoulders than the other girls, but...between you and me, if I was Darcy, I wouldn't have taken her back after the way she'd treated me. Come on, Darcy, the first proposal rejection is enough, don't you think? Back off a bit; no need to go above and beyond to prove that you're somehow worthy of her.

Sometimes we just need to learn to say no. I think I'll make that the slogan for this book. Either that or: "Poor people create really fucking annoying offspring. See Ginny Weasley for a real life example."

It was difficult for me to find a character worthy of liking-they all had their faults, which I suppose is meant to esteem them and prove that they are, after all, only human, but...I wasn't impressed.

In fact, most of the time I was rather bored.

And while we're at it, why the hell is pride made out to be such a horrid thing in this book? Was Jane Austen prejudiced against pride (please hold your laughter until the end)? I mean, if you have a reason to be proud, then be proud.

Just look at me-I'm living proof.

I suppose my wife is...more or less flaring at the nostrils and glaring at me with eyes designing murder, so I should probably stop while I'm ahead. I'll let her bore you with her tedious defense of this classic piece of Muggle literature as well as publicly assign to me the next book on my list-and while she does, I think I'll go take a nap.

Nothing to lull me into a state of sleep than my wife nagging me about things I don't particularly care about.

- Draco Malfoy

From the desk of Hermione Malfoy (nee Granger)
Head of the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures
Founder of S.P.E.W, the Society for the Promotion of Elfish Welfare;
Please contact my office (home or otherwise) if you have any queries regarding either.

As I write this response to my husband's review of Pride and Prejudice, said husband is pretending not to be interested in what I'm jotting down-but he can't fool me! He must take me for an imbecile if he doesn't think I can see him peeking at me from the corner of his eye; he's not exactly subtle, my Draco. I suppose it's better than him tormenting my poor cat, though-honestly, Crookshanks does not appreciate having his ball of yarn taken away from him over and over again like that! But...yes, anyway, I digress! As Draco already so tactfully pointed out, I didn't approve of his review of Jane Austen's Pride and Prejudice in the slightest. He didn't quite seem to grasp the underlying and symbolism of one of the world's most classic romantic tales, and while I know it's only his first book of the challenge, I really was expecting a bit more from him! At the very least, I was hoping that he wouldn't take to insulting my closest friends to make a point.

The nerve of him! You don't even want to know how many times I've had to tell him that he's not allowed to speak ill of my friends when in my presence (preferably not at all, but I can't exactly help what he says when I'm not around)! His comments in regards to both Ginny and Harry were entirely unnecessary, and you can bet all of your biscuits that he was thoroughly reprimanded for them. And by reprimanded, I do mean that he was given both a firm swat to the side of his head and the command that he would be washing dishes for the rest of the month-sans magic, of course.

He just didn't seem to understand what a literary masterpiece Pride and Prejudice is! Honestly, there's a reason it's one of my all-time favorite books (aside from Hogwarts, a History, that is), and I really do hope that perhaps, at the end of this challenge, once he's gained a proper sense of appreciation for Muggle literature, that he'll go back and read it again and realize that it's a timeless and classic tome-one that didn't deserve to be mocked nearly as much as it was. Perhaps he'll even realize some of the more subtle undertones of the novels and how they…well, how they sort of relate to him and I. I mean, think about it! In order for the two of us to come together and begin a relationship, (and eventually marry!), we both had to get over a fair bit of pride and prejudice. Draco can be just as arrogant and callous as Mr. Darcy at times, and...I might have the same sort of judgmental tendencies that Lizzie Bennet does, as well. It took a great deal of time for Draco and I to overlook our shared past and admit that what we felt for one another was stronger than the state of denial we were determined to hold onto, and I think that the same can be said for Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy. If they hadn't overcome their difference of class and mutual pride, they never would have ended up as one of the most well-known and oft recognized couples in the history of literature! And while I don't think that mine and Draco's romance is one that will be written down and remembered for years to come, I do think that it is one that wouldn't have even occurred in the first place if the two of us (and by the two of us, I do mean Draco) hadn't set aside our differences and gave into...well, the way we felt for one another.

Draco Malfoy is the Wizard I want to spend the rest of my life with-I've known this for ages now, and I also know that it's something that's never, ever going to change.

Draco Malfoy is also the Wizard who's staring at me rather impatiently at the moment as he waits for me to finish my review so that we can...erm...head to the bedroom for the night, so with that, I bid you farewell! I hope that none of you were offended by Draco's first review (especially you two, Ginny and Harry! I'm sorry!), and that you continue to provide him with constructive criticism and words of helpful advice! Thank you so much for reading what we have so far-even if Draco won't admit it, he really does like broadcasting his feelings to the general public, and every message and review left for him pleases him quite a bit. But-oh, he's very impatient at this point, and he's starting to get a bit...persuasive. Very, very persuasive, and-yes! I'll be going now! I wish you all the very best, and-okay, goodbye!

- Hermione Malfoy

a/N: Hey guys! Hope you're all doing well! Sorry it took a bit for us to update this-in all actuality, we had the books planned and the reviews written a little while ago, but things have been pretty hectic in our lives and we haven't really had the chance to upload the second chapter! But it's here now, and I hope you've all enjoyed it! We thought it would be nice to start off with the classic book that the title of this fic is playing off of, and I hope you all are enjoying where it's headed! Again, this story is interactive, so you can find answered questions, blog posts to this fic, and updates on the tumblr accounts we have set up.

Draco: dracoreads . tumblr . com

Hermione: grangersbooks . tumblr . com

Don't forget to let us know what you thought of the chapter! And if you have any book suggestions to make, feel free to go ahead! Keep in mind that in order to go along with the story idea, the books suggested have to be classic pieces of literature. Have a nice day, everyone!