Chapter 33

Castle opened the door to his loft and he only saw a streak of red hair before he was already pulled into a fierce hug.

"Dad!" Alexis wrapped her arms around him and held on tight to finally make that sick feeling in the pit of her stomach go away. "I'm so glad you're okay," she mumbled against his chest.

Castle held his little girl close and closed his eyes for a second. "Me too."

When Alexis let go of him, his mother took over. "Oh, come here, darling!"

Kate meanwhile closed the door and watched the family reunion with a smile on her face. She never tired of seeing this, even when the case hadn't struck as close to home as it had done this time. The good ones always outweighed the bad ones.

Martha now also got aware of her and motioned for her to come closer. "You too, you wonderful woman!" And she let go of Castle to embrace her as well.

Alexis smiled her thanks at Kate, too, and then she asked, "So was it very scary, Dad?"

"Well, it certainly wasn't as much fun as it looks on TV…"

"Oh, wait a second," Martha interrupted him. "Before you tell us how you mastered this terrible ordeal, we need ice cream to celebrate your joyous return!"

"Um, I think we're out," Alexis confessed. "I needed something to do while we were waiting for news."

Martha smiled at her. "That's okay, darling. We'll just go and get some more. Come on, kiddo."

And before Alexis could even protest that she didn't want to leave her Dad after she had just gotten him back, Martha had already swept her out of the apartment.

When they were gone, the loft fell silent. They hadn't talked during the drive over from the hospital and now it was hard to find the right place to start.

"I've always found it strange when people talked about the elephant in the room, but now I finally know what that feels like," Castle said eventually.

Kate looked at him and she decided to stop overthinking it. They had mostly been surrounded by other people ever since she had found him, and so the first thing she did now, was to close the distance between them and to hug him fiercely.

"I was worried about you," she confessed.

Castle was taken a little bit by surprise by this reaction, but in a good way, and he didn't hesitate to wrap her in his arms as well. "I wasn't. I knew you would find me."

"At least something I'm good at," Kate muttered.

Castle sighed, kissed her head and then pushed her away from him again, so he could look at her. "You're more than just good, Kate."

"Yes, I'm good at my job, but I so screwed this one up. I'm sorry, Castle. I…" She shook her head. She hadn't known what to say then and she didn't know what to say now.

"Well, I'm not proud of my reaction either. I accused you of some things that I shouldn't have," Castle admitted.

Kate walked away from him and leaned against the back of the sofa. "You were angry, Castle. And you had a right to be."

Castle took that as a sign that she wanted some space for this conversation and only slowly walked towards her. "Why didn't you tell me, Kate?" He had asked her that before, but this time they were both calmer.

Kate sighed. She knew that they wouldn't get anywhere with this, if they weren't being honest. "Because I was scared. Hell, because I still am."

"Scared that we can't handle a baby?" Castle asked, remembering what she had told him before.

"That we can't, that I can't, that you don't want to…" Kate looked at him. "I thought that you once told me that you were done with kids and it makes sense. I mean, look at Alexis. She's all grown up already, and the other night it seemed like you were finally getting ready to accept that."

Castle laughed. "I will never stop thinking of Alexis as my little girl."

"Yes, because she's the only little girl you planned on having, isn't she?" Kate asked.

"Well, I hadn't exactly planned on having any more children before today, yes, but I also never planned on not having them. Because even though I have a kid, I still know that you don't, and we're in a relationship, and in a relationship everybody gets a vote. And I always figured that if you ever were to decide that you want to be a Mom, then who would I be to say no to you?"

Kate frowned. "Castle, a baby is a pretty big commitment and certainly one you shouldn't simply make to please somebody else."

"Why not? If you love that someone."

"Yeah, but you also have to love the baby."

Castle laughed. "Well, of course, everybody loves the baby. Trust me, Kate, they have a way of wrapping you around their teeny tiny little fingers."

"Maybe while they still are teeny tiny and cute, but they kind of grow up," Kate argued.

"Um, yah, they do that," Castle confirmed but then he tried to get the conversation back to Kate's motives because he really wanted to know what she was feeling about all of this.

"So, are you saying that you didn't tell me about the pregnancy because you were worried I might do what… just dump you?" He tried not to be offended, but he kind of was.

"Well, I don't always know what this is, Castle," Kate confessed and gestured at the space between them. "I know we are in a good place right now, or were, and I know it feels great, but there's a difference between having fun together and living a life and raising another human being together. And we never really committed to that, so I wasn't sure what to think."

Castle sighed. "You really are the most maddening, challenging, and frustrating woman I've ever met," he repeated the words he had said to her once before. "What do I have to do to make you realize how committed I am to you, Kate Beckett? I mean, we both agreed that we were on board with this."

"Yeah, but what's this, Castle?" Kate countered, a little defensive. "So are you saying you want this baby?"

"Well, I'm not saying that I don't want it. But the more important question is, do you want it? Because you basically told me to back off, reminding me that this is your body, and it is and a real nice one at that." Castle couldn't help throwing that in, but he pressed on, "And I respect your right to make this decision, but Kate, it is a big one and…"

"I'm not having an abortion," Kate suddenly interrupted him and she was really just as surprised as Castle looked.

After a couple of seconds, she added, "I'm sorry, you were just going to say that I should include you in this decision, right?"

She ran a hand through her hair and started pacing back and forth. She felt like she didn't really know herself anymore or at least she didn't know what she was feeling until she was blurting it out loud. It scared the crap out of her, and she was still worried it might scare Castle away, too.

"Well, yes, I was, but if that's how you feel, then there's absolutely nothing to discuss," Castle replied gently.

He would have never ever dreamed of asking Kate to terminate the pregnancy. He only would have supported her if it had been her definite decision that she wasn't ready. But now he actually felt relieved that she didn't want to go for that option. Man, he was already in deeper than he realized. But Kate worried him a little because she still seemed anything but certain.

Still, he had to ask, "So, do you want to keep the baby?" Because obviously, there was another option besides abortion. Again, Castle cringed at the thought. Wow, how could something, that didn't even look like a human being yet, win you over so fast?

Kate kept pacing back and forth, then she suddenly stopped and looked him squarely in the eye. "Do you think I would be a good mother?"

Castle's mind instantly began to race, weighing his different options, but he realized that he should just stick with the truth. "Oh, Kate, nobody knows that before. I mean, look at me, do you think anybody believed that I would make a good Dad? But somehow I did and Alexis turned out even better than in my wildest dreams. Sometimes even I wonder how that happened."

"Yes, but Castle, you had your Mom and she might not have been the best role model all the time, but she was there. Mine won't be and there are so many decisions to be made and so many ways I could screw this up."

Now that they were having this conversation and that Kate began to feel that Castle was willing to support her, it all became much more real way too soon. There were too many questions she couldn't answer. Could she stay on the job without feeling guilty towards the baby? Or could she quit the job without feeling guilty towards her Mom?

"Okay, Kate, stop," Castle said because he couldn't stand watching her like this any longer. He took her hands and led her to sit next to him on the couch, still holding her hands in his. "It's okay. We can do this."

Kate met his gaze. "Are you sure? Because I would let you off the hook; I'd understand…"

"How can you still say that? We're in this together. Always have been. Always will be. And for future reference, that was kind of what I meant when I said that I was on board."

"But it's not really what you wanted when you said that," Kate insisted.

"Hey, when did I ever really know what I wanted except when I wanted you? So we didn't plan this, but think about it. This will be one amazing kid! And the fact that I already have one of those doesn't mean that I can't love another one. Here's what I know: this surprise thing – it's what kids do. They come around and they knock you off the ground and before you've even understood what's happening, you're head over heels in love. And the rest will come. We can figure it out, together."

Castle looked at Kate, searching her face for agreement.

She was silent for what felt like a long time. "Okay," she said eventually.

Castle smiled mildly. "Okay?" he repeated.

"Yes, but if you say a word about how fat I'll get, I swear I will kick your ass, Castle. But don't you tell me that I look beautiful even though I really am fat either."

Castle laughed. "I see, this is going to be so much fun with you."

Before Kate could say anything else, he leaned in to kiss her and when they gently fell back on the couch, locked in each other's arms, he was suddenly so ridiculously happy that it was really hard to let go of her again when Martha and Alexis returned to the loft at that moment.

"So, we're back with the ice cream and I hope you two have been decent," Martha announced, bustling around with the bags.

"Ew, can we please not talk about that?" Alexis complained.

"Relax, darling. Your father wanted to tell us what happened to him, remember?"

They brought the ice cream and a handful of spoons to the couch and since Kate still remembered what had happened the last time she had eaten ice cream, she rose to her feet and excused herself.

"Are you sure you don't want anything?" Martha asked.

"Yes, but don't you worry about me," Kate replied.

She could see that Castle was still worried, but he couldn't extricate himself from the two redheads who were framing him now, so he had to let her go. But she only went as far as the bedroom, anyway, because as she had feared, both the adrenaline and the relief about his rescue had faded and now she remembered how extraordinarily tired she was. She had been on her feet for almost 24 hours, and since Castle knew now, she didn't even have to make any excuses. She could simply admit that she was exhausted and finally go to bed.

Castle had really been looking forward to seeing Alexis and his mother again and he loved to spend time with them, but right now it was kind of hard to concentrate, or perhaps rather not to tell them what he and Kate had just been talking about. But he felt that Kate should at least be present when he did that.

So he sat with them and ate ice cream as long as he could, but after a while he told them that he really needed to go to bed as well. And that wasn't even much of an excuse. It was almost early morning now and since Alexis and his mother had been up all night waiting for news as well, they were just as tired.

So they all hugged goodnight and then Castle dragged himself into his bedroom. He expected to find Kate fast asleep, but she only sat on her side of the bed, looking at something small that she held in her hand.

"Kate?" Castle asked, a little worried that the only reason for her to fight the fatigue would be something bad. "Are you okay? Is the baby okay?"

"Yes, and don't even start making a fuss over me or I'll have to shoot you somewhere along the way."

Castle just smiled because if Kate was threatening to kill him again, she had to be alright. So he just moved to sit next to her on the bed. "Duly noted. So, what do you have there?"

"Just my Mom's old ring," Kate replied and when she opened her hand, Castle could see the familiar wedding band as well. He could still remember the very day Kate had first confided in him about wearing it, together with her Dad's old watch. It had always been as much a part of her as her gun and badge.

"I just can't help wondering… what she'd say to all of this if she were still alive," Kate said slowly because it felt as if her thoughts came a little slower than usual, almost as if she had been drugged, which – considering all those crazy hormones raging inside of her right now – she kind of had been.

"Well, my experience is that once you're past the possible teenage pregnancy phase, parents are pretty thrilled to hear the news. If you put the age implications aside, they dig becoming grandparents."

Kate sighed. "I wish I could hear her say that… in a more grown-up kind of way."

Castle just took her hand in his and squeezed it. He knew how much Kate missed her Mom and that this pregnancy diagnosis made her miss Johanna only so much more. Unfortunately, there was nothing he could do about that.

But Kate didn't expect him to. "I was just thinking… Alexis never really had her mother; you never knew your father, growing up, and I lost my Mom…"

Feeling that he knew where this was going, Castle said, "And still we all turned out pretty great, amazing really."

"Yeah, but that's not how it's supposed to be, Castle," Kate insisted.

"Okay, listen to me, Kate. I'll say this one more time because I know how stubborn you can be, but it really is about time that you accept this. You are remarkable. You are the best cop I've ever known. You are smart, you are dedicated, you are in it for the families. And that's why I know you'll be a great Mom as well, and there is no, absolutely no reason why you shouldn't be both. So that little Katie Jr. will grow up wanting to be exactly like you or little Rick Jr… well, obviously he will adore you from the minute he draws breath."

Castle looked at her, hoping to find proof there that he had finally gotten through to her. "Okay?" he tried again.

Kate looked from her Mom's wedding ring into Castle's open and loving eyes, a little amazed by the mixture of conflicting emotions she had been feeling in the past couple of hours. She had been scared out of her mind ever since she had recognized the symptoms, and she had mostly wished the baby to just go away. But once Castle had said all those things about babies and about how special theirbaby would be… she had begun to see it for the first time. He made her see it. No, he made her want it and he made her want him even more than she already had.

"Okay," she replied once more and laid her Mom's ring aside with the usual twinge of sadness in her heart.

But in the end, the lesson her mother had taught her was a valuable one. She had learned that life was something so incredibly fragile that it could slip through your fingers and shatter in the blink of an eye. And once it was broken, it was incredibly hard to put back together, but sometimes it was worth the effort. And it certainly didn't do to hold back in fear of breaking it in the first place.

Kate only looked at Castle now. "But I don't think it's me, Castle. It's you. You made me believe, in me, in you, in us. You made me love you… I love you, Castle."

She just said it and the words came easily to her. She had no idea why she had never been able to say it before. Perhaps she really had been worried that Meredith had been right, that she didn't actually know who Castle really was, but here, today, after what he had said and done and what he was willing to do, she knew that there was no better man. She loved him and all the rest could go to hell.

A little bit taken by surprise, Castle didn't know what to do. He had never pressured her or had anxiously been waiting for her to say it back to him, but now that she had, he did feel that there was a significance to it that he had tried to deny until now. It felt as if a final piece had been fitted into the bond that bound him to her.

"And you are driving me crazy, Katherine Beckett."

Under normal circumstances, he would have grabbed her now and made love to her until they were both exhausted. But since they kind of already were exhausted, they would have to postpone that. But it was okay because he knew that there would be many more nights to come. He was thinking in the 'for the rest of their lives' category now, which probably meant that he had to propose to her after all. Oh well, one step at a time.

And the first step was to get them both into bed. Finally. But first, he gently took her face in his hands and kissed her and she kissed him back, and with this kiss they both reassured each other that they were still only at the beginning of their time together.

"Castle?" Kate said once they were both lying in bed.

"Mhm?"

"I'm so picking the name for the baby."

Castle just drew Kate closer, tucking her under his arm protectively, and smiled – because they were in this to win.

A/N: And it's a wrap, everybody! I had so much fun with this story and I hope you did too. Thanks a lot to everyone who read, followed and favorited it. You guys are great! And special thanks to Tamerlorde85, thebluninja, briwd, Marcus S. Lazarus, RoninBlackwing, Michael Weyer, swanalong, Talon5Krrde, ladybugsmomma and especially to Insertisernamehere and blue eyes04 for reviewing. You rock!

Oh, and continue to ship Caskett, Densi, Rizzles, and yes, Tiva, of course!

NightingaleTear