UNFORGETTABLE

"Hey, America!"

"I'm Canada..."

"Who?"

~~~

I've heard that a least once every day. We're twins but we're not identical. His eyes are blue, mine are violet. My hair's a darker blond. My hair curl is much larger and thinner. I always have Kumajiro. But I'm still forgotten. I've won wars and my people are in Afghanistan as Peace keepers. But I'm invisible. I'm still alone. Nobody cares. No one sees the hurt, the pain I feel every time I'm overlooked. Every time I'm forgotten. I wouldn't mind being mistaken for my brother if people didn't brush me off once they found out who I was. They don't see the scars. I don't mean the scars from war and tragedies. I mean the scars they gave me. This one was the first. I got it the day Russia sat on me for the entire meeting. I kept asking politely for him to get off but he didn't. And no one came to help me.

When I got home I was almost in tears. I had never realized until that moment how much I didn't matter. Not to the people I thought were my friends. Not even to my brother. My vision was blurry because of the tears and I tripped over Kumajiro and fell. I fell into a mirror I had, smashing it to pieces. Sharp pieces. One piece cut my shoulder. Then everything melted away. I didn't hurt any more and my vision cleared. I watched the blood run down my arm, my pain going with it. That's how I got my first scar.

After that, every time I was hurt, every time I was ignored, every time I felt completely invisible, I knew what to do. I'd watch the blood flow from my arms or legs and I'd feel better.

At first, I was worried about people seeing my scars. But, when I accidentally cut too low on my arm and no one noticed, I remembered they didn't care. So I stopped caring too. My arms and legs are criss-crossed with scars now. Too many to count. I don't even remember the reason behind half of them.

~~~

It's starting not to help anymore. I'm starting to have to cut deeper and longer. Maybe... Maybe it's not that they don't know Canada... Maybe... Maybe it's that they don't know Matthew Williams... Don't need Matthew Williams... Would Canada be better without Matthew Williams? Would the world be better off without Matthew Williams? But... But leaving would be selfish. What would become of my people? What would Kumajiro do?

~~~

It happened again. But it was so much worse. I feel so useless. Words keep spinning in my head. Useless. Pointless. Worthless. Invisible. Mute. Unloved. I just want them to stop. Make the words stop! I don't want this! I never wanted this! I just want to be accepted for who I am... It's not helping any more. No matter how many times I cut, no matter how deep I go, it's not making the words go away. Weak. Unneeded. Unwanted. A disappointment. A failure. Maybe if I cut down my arms instead of across them it would help.

~~~

Yes. That helps. I feel better now. I've never felt this calm. I think I'll sit here tonight. I'm so calm. Too calm to move. I've never seen the blood flow so fast and so strong. The light is so bright... It's so calming... I feel so light... I can't keep my eyes open... I still feel the blood flowing... I'm so calm... I feel my people slipping away yet I'm too calm to care... I hope whoever they are going to takes care of them... Whoever it is will be better then I ever was... There goes the last one... I feel so empty... But the calm fills the space... Take care of my people and Kumajiro... Put Canada on the map... Make Canada and yourself

UNFORGETTABLE.

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