Diana Prince, Secret Identity

High above the earth was a massive orbiting satellite. It wasn't just a satellite; it was the Justice League Watchtower, the global headquarters of the Earth's mightiest group of superheroes, the Justice League!

In the cafeteria, a tall statuesque brunette amazon sat next to a carrot topped heroine whose costume featured giant bird wings. Amazon was an apt description of her, for she was Princess Diana of Themyscira, better known to the world as Wonder Woman!

"I just don't understand it Shayera," Diana sighed. "I know he cares about me. Why won't he admit it?"

"Look Diana, you came from a society without any men and maybe you should be grateful," Shayera suggested. "If there's one woman in the galaxy who doesn't need a man to make herself complete it's you. Don't let him get to you, okay?"

"Okay," Diana slumped against the table and stared at her coffee mug.

With a toss of her auburn hair, Shayera rose from the table. "Look, I gotta relieve J'onn right now but in the meantime you hang in there. See you."

"See you," Diana mumbled as the heroine known the world as Hawkgirl left. She brushed her beautiful black tresses out of her face and tried not to cry.

Suddenly, faster than the eye could follow a young man in a red costume appeared. "Hey there, Diana!"

"Not now Flash," Diana grumbled. "I'm not in the mood."

"What's eatin' you?" he asked as he sat down with his plate of hamburgers. "Bat's got your tongue?"

"Keep it up and not only will you be able to run as fast as Superman, you'll be able to fly as fast as him too," Diana muttered darkly.

"I see hanging out with the Dark Knight has rubbed off on you," he nodded. "So what's wrong?"

She sat up and leaned against the table. "Flash, do you find me attractive?"

The fastest man alive's heartbeat managed to go faster than the speed of sound. "Heck yes!" he smiled. "You're probably the most beautiful woman alive! I'd be honored if…"

"Then why doesn't Batman think so?"

The Flash's sunny disposition faltered, but just for a moment. Even superpowers couldn't make someone a hero if he couldn't roll with the punches after all. "Batman? He doesn't think you're attractive? What makes you think he doesn't?"

"He doesn't think we should see each other," she sighed.

"Ah." Flash made a big show of nodding sagely, but even his mask couldn't hide his youth and inexperience. "Man trouble. Got it. And you want a man's perspective on the problem is that it?"

"What's the matter with me?" Wonder Woman asked pointblank, her magnificent bosom heaving in her patriotic one piece swimsuit style costume. "Why doesn't he find me attractive? Am I too tall or something?"

"I could get around that," the Flash smirked.

"Too strong?" Diana guessed. "I heard men don't feel comfortable with women who are physically stronger than they are," she continued. "It hurts their masculinity or something like that."

"Normally I'd say yes, but this is Batman we're talking about here," Flash smiled. "The guy's the ultimate danger junkie."

"Is it because he doesn't have any superpowers?" Diana guessed.

"No superpowers?" Flash repeated in disbelief. "Did you see what happened on that last mission we were on? How can anyone believe that Batman doesn't have superpowers?"

"Is it because I'm a princess?"

"Yes!" Flash snapped his fingers. "That's it!"

"What's it?"

"You're Princess Diana of Themyscira," Flash told her. "Don't you see? You're a celebrity. Everybody knows who you are."

"And?"

"Batman's the Dark Knight," Flash continued. "Nobody knows who he is. Let's just say the paparazzi saw Wonder Woman and Batman kissing. What would the world say?"

"That Wonder Woman and Batman are in love," Diana shrugged. "So?"

"Now let's say the paparazzi saw Princess Diana of Themyscira on a date with Bruce Wayne," the Flash countered. "What would the world say?"

Diana frowned in thought before her eyes widened in realization. "That Batman must be Bruce Wayne! Oh how could I have missed that?"

"You're an honest person," Flash shrugged. "You never bothered with a secret identity, but you should probably give it a try. That way you can have a life that's almost normal and not have to worry about being mobbed or attacked all the time."

"But it's too late isn't it?" Diana sighed. "I never made my identity a secret. I don't even wear a mask."

"It's never too late," Flash assured her. "Let's talk to the master of hiding in plain sight."

Fifteen minutes later…

"You want me to what?" Superman asked. Clark Kent, aka Superman, the Man of Steel was uncomfortable with the idea.

"Just share some tips on being a mild mannered reporter," Flash shrugged. "You know, show her how you maintain your secret identity."

"I don't know about this Wally," Superman rubbed the back of his neck and looked away.

Flash looked in Diana's direction and mouthed "Do it," without making a sound.

Diana looked back at Flash with a frightened expression and shook her head.

Flash nodded with as serious a look on his face as he could muster.

Diana gave a heaving sigh that nearly caused the Flash to lose his footing and then made a cute but sad face at the Man of Steel. "Pwease…?" she lisped as she pouted her lips.

"Oh okay," Superman blushed.

Flash winked. No one could resist Wonder Woman's 'Pretty Please' face. He felt kind of bad about letting her know she could do it though. It was kind of like handing over nuclear technology to a nation with unknown intentions. The ability to look cute combined with Diana's beauty and superpowers could be too much power for anyone to handle responsibly.

"Okay, welcome to Superman's class on secret identities," Superman cleared his throat. "Let's start with your public 'hero' identity. Wonder Woman." The Man of Steel stood heroically with his shoulders back and his feet wide apart. "Go ahead stand like a superhero."

Wonder Woman mimicked his pose. Her tall athletic figure seemed to ooze with grace, strength, defiance, and beauty.

"Never stand like that when assuming your secret identity," Superman told her.

"What?" the princess asked.

"It all starts with your posture," Superman told her. "As heroes we tend to stand heroically. We can't do that when we're trying to pass as normal. We look too much like superheroes. The first thing you've got to learn is how to slump."

"Slump?" Diana repeated doubtfully. "Is this some kind of joke or something?"

"Diana, you're a beautiful woman, people notice you," Superman shrugged apologetically. "Somehow you've got to make people ignore you. That means letting go of the poise and beauty that tells everyone you're a princess."

"What do you do?" Diana sighed.

"I usually pretend I'm afraid," Superman shrugged. "Afraid of rejection, afraid of losing my job, afraid of being hit by a car… To the average man on the street the list of things to be afraid of is endless."

"I am Princess Diana of Themyscira!" Wonder Woman put her hands on her hips and stood heroically. "I am not a coward!"

"That's the point," Flash said. "The whole point is to stop being Princess Diana of Themyscira and just be Jane Average, normal citizen."

"I couldn't possibly call the normal man on the street a coward," Superman rolled his eyes. "When you think of the number of things that can hurt him it's amazing he even leaves the house in the morning!"

"You got a point," Flash said. "Just think about all those policemen and firemen. They rush into danger with no superpowers! They gotta be the bravest men in the world!"

"What about Batman?" Superman asked.

"What?" Flash shrugged. "You still[ gonna tell me that Batman doesn't have any superpowers? Compared to you maybe, but compared to the rest of us he's… Batman!"

"Could we get back to my problem please?" Diana asked rather testily.

"Oops," Superman smiled bashfully. "Sorry Diana. I'll try to stay on topic. Okay, I'll go change into my civilian clothes and take you through my method step by step."

Soon the Man of Steel was dressed as Clark Kent, mild manned reporter. Diana had to admit that he certainly looked different.

"Okay, let's go down the checklist," Clark said. "First of all, you'll notice that my voice lacks the tone of authority that I normally put on as Superman. Next, you can see that the suit and tie I'm wearing changes the shape of my body. My posture is different, making my entire body look different. My hair is parted differently. You don't see that 'Elvis' curl I normally sport as Superman. As Clark Kent I comb my hair back…"

"Whose idea was the 'Elvis' curl?" Flash interrupted.

"My parents," Clark sighed. "Even after four decades, you just can't beat the King. Okay, now for the pièce de résistance." He took off his eyeglasses and showed them to Diana. "You'll notice that the distortion they cause really changes the appearance of my eyes. You might say that my glasses are my mask."

Diana examined his large coke bottle eyeglasses. "How do you see in these things?"

"One of the benefits of super vision," Clark smiled. "I can see normally and I don't even have to worry about eyestrain. As long as I get enough energy from a yellow sun I'm golden."

She handed the spectacles back to him. "Not all of us have super vision Clark."

"True, but as a woman you have options men don't have," Clark pointed out as he put his glasses back on. "Women can change their makeup, their clothing styles, even the style and color of their hair. Let's face it. A woman can look a lot different than a man can just by what she puts on in the morning."

"I hear that Black Canary puts on a wig," Flash added.

"You've heard?" Diana asked. "Don't you know?"

"Hey it's not a good idea to ask a woman if she's wearing a wig."

"My cousin Kara wears a wig when she assumes her secret identity," Clark offered. "If she can do it, why not you?"

"And what happens if the wig comes off for some reason?" Diana asked. "People will want to know why I'm disguising myself."

"I don't know, because blondes have more fun?" Flash suggested.

"Um, I just thought of something," Clark blushed. Flash was impressed by his 'shy bookworm' demeanor. It was incredibly realistic. "There's no polite way to tell you this. If you really want to disguise yourself you're going to have to do something about your um… physical assets."

"Physical assets?" Diana asked in a dangerous voice. "My what, specifically?"

Flash and Clark both took a step backwards simultaneously.

"Wow, that's some impressive normal-man-on-the-street style fear," Flash smiled nervously. "You really looked afraid just then!"

"I know, didn't I?" Clark blushed. "When I'm dressed as a normal guy, it just comes naturally. That's right, Wally. I wanted it to look just that way."

"Hey! What about my problem?" Diana barked. "What physical assets am I going to have to change?"

"Uh, well," Clark stole a glance at her chest.

"Your bosoms, your rack, your magnificent set of cleavage," Flash babbled. "Your mammary glands, your milk jugs, your fantastic, perfect, all you can eat melons! What he's trying to say is that if there's one thing that every man is going to notice about you it's your boobies!"

Clark took another step backwards and the Flash moved faster than the eye could follow. It was as if he teleported to the farthest end of the room from Diana. The look on Diana's face showed that that was a smart move too.

"What about my boo—my chest?" Diana snarled. "What's wrong with it?"

"Nothing!" Clark smiled nervously. "It's every man's fantasy!"

"It certainly is my fantasy, and I'm not ashamed to admit it!" Flash smirked. "Superman's right, Diana. Your chest is the ideal that all women aspire to. You've got to change the support or something to change the way they ride or people will be comparing you to Wonder Woman all the time."

"Come on you guys! I'm not Power Girl!" Diana protested. "You've got to be kidding me!"

"I'm afraid we're not," Clark sighed. "Look at me in this suit. It's too big for me and it hides the shape of my body."

"It makes you look fat," Diana sniped.

"It's supposed to," Clark nodded. "My Superman outfit shows off nearly every crack and groove of my body. If everybody thinks that Clark is some big fat guy they'll never make the connection."

"I don't believe this!" Diana shook her head. "What you're basically saying is in order to blend in I have to give up my self-respect?"

"I'm saying that in order to blend in you have to give up your pride," Clark shrugged. "That's how I do it. But hey, if you got a better idea, more power to you."

Somehow Wonder Woman was able to both stand heroically and wear a perfect damsel-in-distress expression on her face at the same time. "I'm going to hate this," she groaned.