Never To Know

Waking up can be really harsh, especially when your dreams are always better than reality. The saddest part of it is, though, that the memory of your dream will slowly fade during the day although you try hanging on to it, that is, if you are lucky enough to remember your dream at all. Sometimes, you wake up with just a feeling you can't name, be it a positive or a negative feeling.

In the opinion of Onodera Ritsu, a 25 year old man, nothing is worse than having no control about your dreams. They have the ability to haunt you and make you realize feelings, you preferred being buried deep within yourself.
After a blissful night filled with dreams of the past, that our shoujo-manga-editor tried to forget, he found the crash of reality even harder.
Why did he keep on dreaming about his short relationship with his Senpai, who had hurt him so deeply? All those innocent, sweet moments kept haunting him in his dreams as if they were in reach and he only needed to stretch his arms to get them back.
Lies.
Why were his dreams so cruel to pretend that it was so easy?
Maybe it would've been easy if reality wouldn't cut in.
And the reality was, that he couldn't just live the way he wanted to.
He had expectations to fulfil, a carrier to manage.
Since he had been a child, he was taught to become the person his parents wanted him to be in the future. A successful, good-mannered man with a lovely woman by his side.

That was the ideal son, they always dreamed to have, they wanted him to become.
And there, reality showed no mercy on him.
Although he always tried his hardest, he was far away from successful. Now he even had to cope with being in the wrong department. All he ever dreamed of was creating a book which could be considered as art. Literature was all he had left, after being cruelly thrown out of his perfect world, where he still believed in love. Maybe, he could have even handled the job as a shoujo-editor, if his old love wouldn't have been his boss who was oh so determined to win him back.
Fate seemed to be against him, so he thought, after his first love was back in his life, only to mess it even more up as it already was.
So there he was now. Torn between the man he needed to be and the man he, deep down in his heart, wanted to be. His family expected him to take over the company and marry An-chan, a woman he didn't love, and of course, they didn't give him a say in that matter, as if it wouldn't be his life that was the subject. Especially his mother insisted that she still knew what was the best for him, even though he was a grown up man already. The pressure created by the expectations of his family seemed to be getting bigger and heavier with each passing day and someday, he was sure, it might even bury him.
On the other side, there was Takano, waiting for his feelings to catch up to his own. This man, who was extremely rude but also incredible gentle to him, refused to give up on him and so he chased after him, until Ritsu would finally turn around and walk in his direction. Ritsu had tried his hardest to resist, but, nevertheless, failed. Step by step Takano had broken through the walls he had built up to protect himself.
He loved Takano-san.
It was clear as day to him now, although he still couldn't admit it out loud.

Since he realised that he could no longer deny his feelings, the bridge between the ideal and his real self broke down and left him standing before the mess, he himself was responsible for.
Never in his life, not even after he thought that Saga-senpai had only played with him, had he felt this lost.
As the naive child he had been, he had believed that everything would work out eventually as long as he had Saga-senpai by his side. All that mattered to him had been the present.
But now, everything was different. He couldn't go back to think like the innocent child again, because he had already learned how cruel reality could be. Everything was different because he had all that he ever wanted right before his nose, but he knew that he could never have it.
It was that realization that broke something within him.
Soon, after another tiring call from his mother, in which she expressed her disappointment at her son and her wishes once again, he couldn't stand it anymore. Somehow he lost it. His mind was racing with wild und senseless thoughts that drove him nearly to insanity. He could hear the voices of his parents within, that told him to become the perfect son already, also the voice of An, that told him that she loved him and that a life with her would be so much easier and would also satisfy his parents and then, there was the voice of Takano-san, that insulted him as a useless guy, who couldn't even find the courage to go his own way but at the same time swore his love to him.
Suddenly it all stopped and it was quiet again. The mess inside of him seemed to have calmed down.
The reason? Ritsu looked down, only to find a knife in his hands and his arm bleeding.

It didn't stay with only this time. Before he even knew it, cutting himself became a habit whenever the mess inside of him got out of his control. Soon, his arms were covered in cuts, some new, some already beginning to heal.
There was only one thing he learned to fear more than anything: Being found out.

Since Takano and he already shared a physical relationship his fear was always present. The time of running away was finally over, but now the fear of his dirty secret being discovered only lead him to take his guard up again near his boss. Takano was not blind and became suspicious, especially because Ritsu was a very bad liar. He kept watching him closely but the brunette didn't let anything leak out so he decided to not read too much into it.
"Why do you keep avoiding me again? I thought we were finally past that?"The raven-haired man asked indifferent, although he didn't seem to be very pleased with the change.
"Ah... I don't avoid you" Ritsu denied hastily, almost as if in panic, which he really was in. Unconsciously he began to scratch his wounds through the fabric of his pullover.
Takano leaned closer, which caused the brunette to flinch and to frantically look around as if he was in danger.
"What's wrong with you?" Takano muttered, worry written on his face. The smaller man gulped audible and started laughing nervously.
"N-Nothing You're just imagining things, Takano-san."
He couldn't let Takano see what has become of him. He couldn't show the man, he secretly admired, how weak and pathetic he really was. He just couldn't.

"Aren't you hot, Ricchan?" Asked his co-worker, Kisa, who fanned himself with his hand. It was a beautiful warm day today that made concentrating on work even harder. Seeing Ritsu sitting there with long sleeves even made Kisa sweaty.
"Huh? Oh, no" Answered the newbie, somewhat tense. He brushed off their conversation by looking over Mutou-sensei's storyboard and hoped that his co-worker would just drop the subject.
"Are you sure? You don't really look so good" Enquired the oldest on the team.
Everyone could see that he was right. The newest member of the team looked kind of pale and uncomfortable. But still, he began to laugh.
"Don't worry, I'm fine" He assured, than looked away quite hastily. Thanks to his seemingly natural laugh, though, nobody noticed.
Relieved that Kisa didn't ask any further, he, again, began to scratch his arm, because his cuts were itchy and the pain that comes along with the scratching somehow calmed him down.

Walking home together with Takano had always been awkward, especially since none of them knew what to talk about. Suddenly the older man grabbed Ritsu's hand and hold it in his own.
"Come over. I'll cook you dinner" Takano suggested, although the way he said it made it more sound like a command.
Dinner. The brunette knew that Takano wouldn't let him go so easily after that and one thing would let to another... No, he definitely couldn't!
"I... I'm busy so I can't" He refused the offer. At this, the raven-haired narrowed his eyes and squeezed the other's hand, just to let him know that he wouldn't accept 'no' for an answer.
"You have to eat properly so I'm just dragging you with me."
Panic began to settle in Ritsu and he tried several excuses but none of them worked. He even struggled against Takanos firm grip, but the older man was stronger than him, so he lost the battle.
He ended up with being literally dragged into the other's apartment.
"Why are you so tense? It's not like I'm going to kill you or something", Takano muttered as soon as they were inside his apartment. Since they hadn't had time for each other outside of work and he felt, that Ritsu had distanced himself he couldn't help himself from attacking the other with his mouth. At first, Ritsu as usual resisted, but then he finally melted into the kiss.
"Let's skip dinner" The older male decided and lead them both to his bedroom. He felt Ritsu desperately struggle against his grip as if his life depended on it but didn't stop. They hadn't been intimate since quite a while due to stress in work but now he was determined to make up for it.
"N-no, please, stop!"
Takano didn't listen to Ritsu's pleads since he was used to hear them. Even the struggles couldn't stop him, although they weren't half-hearted as they would usually be. It wasn't the usual denial but a real fight. Nevertheless, Takano didn't stop. So Ritsu's nightmare came true when the older male had managed to take his shirt off. Suddenly time seemed to stand still and silence filled the room and buried both of them beneath it. Again, reality crashed down to shatter dreams and illusions and to leave a mess behind that would need a lot of effort to clean up.
Takano kept looking on the cuts on Ritsu's arm, no expression on his face but deep sorrow in his eyes, while the other looked to the ground, ashamed and frightened of what would happen next.
"Oh, Ritsu." The raven-haired sighed, before pulling him in a tight embrace.
It was not the reaction the brunette had expected. He had expected the other to be furious or disappointed in him. These reactions he would have at least understood. He would've tried to defend or to explain himself.
But what was he supposed to do now? Takano held him as if he were something really precious to the man that he didn't ever want to lose. It made him feel even more pathetic. He knew that the older male would never pity him due to his character, but still he wanted to yell at him, express the frustration he was feeling at this moment. So he tried to free himself from this embrace which caused Takano to hug him only tighter.
"Stay like this for a while longer", Takano begged quietly, which was really rare. Takano hardly ever begged for something.
And then, Ritsu finally understood. The mess inside of him was his problem and it was also his business how he dealt with it but he had to consider that his actions would also affect the ones, who loved him. That realization made him feel more miserable than all the times he had cut himself, so, while he was quietly shedding tears, he also found determination to find a better coping method. He didn't know that he was already in the phase where stopping wouldn't be easy, but right now he had the unspoken promise that he won't be alone on that path. It was still unknown to them where it will lead them. It was still a mystery if they could make it through reality without losing each other. One never knows one's destination.