The events of this tale are true based on my own accounts. This is the story of my life, the reasons behind what I did and why I did them. I was in love once, with a man who was my equal but when events happened that altered that reality I became the person you know today. If you are reading this it means that I have fulfilled my mission assigned to me by the man I once use to idolize but now hate with every fiber of my being. This letter is the last remains of my humanity the story of the one I held so dearly before I was turned into a weapon which caused so much pain to the people I loved. My name is Andrea Amell and these are the events that led me here today.

I could feel the hate waves radiating in my direction from the seat behind me. Uhura had been shooting me them since the Captain had appointed me acting Captain while most of the crew was on a critical mission. Due to the fact that the race did not think highly of females in any position other than field work or child bearing most of the crew left on the Enterprise consisted of women. When the Captain had left he had named me acting captain and Uhura my first officer in case anything was to go wrong with the negotiations. When the captain had informed me of my new rank I began to protest but Captain silenced me with a single look. I was new to the USS Enterprise, fresh out of Star Fleet academy, and while I may have graduated first in my class it just didn't seem right to me that Uhura being the senior officer here was not deemed logical as the Vulcan first lieutenant whose name I haven't even learned yet pointed out to the captain. Kirk silenced him as well with one simple look. I made a mental note to watch out for the Captain's looks from now on. So here I sat in the Captain's chair praying that everything was going well on the planet below. The last thing I needed was to actually have to start making orders to a crew of people I barely know. Apparently my prayers went unanswered as a distress call was issued from the Captain's phone.

"Andie this is Kirk there has been a problem down here and we need help! Leave Uhura in charge and get down here immediately!" and that was when the transmission ended. Jumping into action I headed for the lift.

"Uhura you're in command," I stated as the doors closed. When I got to the transport room they were ready for me. I hooked my phaser to my belt and prepared myself for the worst. When I was beamed onto the planet all I could here were the sound of fighting. I broke out into a sprint towards the combat. I was beginning to understand why the captain had asked me to come alone. While the rest of the crew was amazing none of them were skilled in hand to hand combat as I was. I saw the Captain engaged in a fist fight with a man twice his size. I rushed behind the attacker and leg kicked him making him drop to his knees. Once I had the upper hand I implored a Vulcan stunt that I had in my personal training and the brut fell over. Kirk nodded my way, "nice work cadet. But no time for that now we have to help Spock and the others." He rushed off into the canyon. I quickly followed pulling out my tricorder in order to find the crews signal.

"Left up ahead Captain," I informed as we reached a fork in the canyon. We came across the rest of the crew who were tied up with four massive guards around them. "Captain let's think about this logically. We do have the advantage here and I think I might have a plan as to avoid any more injuries than you already have."

Five minutes later I was perched up above the canyon my phaser aimed at the guards. I signaled Kirk to try and start the negotiation for the crew. I watched him slowly walk into the open space his hands in the air to make sure they knew he meant no harm. I proceeded to watch as Kirk and what looked like the ring leader of the whole thing hashed things out. After a few moments I watched as the Alien began reaching for the weapon on his belt. I took aim, waiting for him to make the first move, anticipating his actions. Just as expected he took a step back pulled his gun on Kirk and I fired right for a kill shot to the head. The other guards became alarmed and all reached for their guns as well but I was quick enough to re-aim my shot and took them out. Unfortunately splattering blood over the tied up crew but at least they weren't in any more danger. I stood up and looked down to make sure there were no reinforcements coming.

"Captain it appears that we are out of danger for the moment. I'm coming back down to you, Andie out." I flipped the tricorder closed and began my decent back into the canyon. By the time I got back to the crew Kirk had them all untied and it looked like they were ready to beam back aboard the Enterprise.

"Was it you who took those shots? Bloody good aim you got there, maybe a little excessive with the head shot but still brilliant," a man with a very heavy Scottish accent commented.

"Uhura beam us up," the Vulcan said again. I really needed to learn these people's names. When we were back on the Enterprise most of the crew headed for their quarters in order to change out of their blood stained shirts. The Captain had granted every one the night off due to everything that had gone down today. As I was on my way to my quarters I heard the Captain calling my name down the hall. I paused and waited for him to catch up.

"You did very well down there Cadet. I'm impressed with your skills; I've never seen someone shoot like that before," he said patting me on the shoulder. "You're going to make a great addition to the ship," Kirk looked like he was going to say something but another man was yelling at him down the hall, "Jim get back here I need to make sure nothing's broken you moron," the man joined me and Kirk in the hallway. He looked at me briefly before returning back to Kirk. The man must be McCoy from my understanding. "Alright, gosh Bones must you always resort to name calling?"

"I wouldn't have to call you a moron if you weren't acting like one now gets down to sickbay now." The man walked off, expecting Kirk to follow him, which he did after turning back to me and saying, "Glad to have you aboard Andie."

Once I was back in my room I slowly walked over to my desk and began reading the log of the ship to begin learning the crew. I had no sooner than pulled up the file when I heard the ring, signaling someone was outside. "Computer open door," I said not really caring who entered my room. I continued scanning over the files in list of command first was Kirk

"Pardon my intrusion Cadet I wish to speak with you," The voice registered in my head as familiar and I turned to see the Vulcan known as Spock standing there very sternly.

"No intrusion Commander," I turned my chair around to look at him and offered him the chair on the other side of the desk he walked over and sat down gracefully. "What can I help you with?"

"I was speaking with Jim about what happened down there and he informed me that it appeared that you preformed a Vulcan nerve pinch I am quite curious as to how you came to know of this technique." Spock's voice was calm and collective and somewhat velvety in its own way.

"My father taught me that technique in my training."

"Your father was Vulcan then? And your mother?"

"She was Vulcan as well. They weren't my biological parents of course. They found me abandoned and took me in and raised me until I entered Academy. Vulcan was technically my home," I trailed off fighting the painful memory of when they had informed us it was destroyed.

"What happened to Vulcan was a great lose to all. But what I find curious is why Vulcans would take in an orphan child it seems highly illogical," Spock shifted in his seat as though he was uncomfortable. "And the only humans I was aware of on Vulcan were my mother and one of the elder's daughter who was claimed a half Vulcan."

"Elder Zevran correct. That was my father and we might have forged a little paperwork and greased some palms on that matter." For some reason I felt guilty, like I was on trial or something. But I knew that trying to reason with a Vulcan would prove harder than most.

"Zevran was a good man I knew him well. He taught me almost all I know about combat training in my years before academy. Having known that he was your "father" explains the combat experience record that landed you aboard this ship but I remember he was mostly hands on. May I ask where you learned to shot a gun like that?" he leaned forward and placed his elbows on the desk in a completely unvulcan way.

"When I was on Vulcan no one really bothered talking to me because I was in their eyes a half Vulcan that looked human. I was different, I got into fights a lot and father suggested that I find another outlet for my anger so I pocketed a gun would go out for target practice. It was the same in academy; the human students thought I was too worried about logic and reason. No matter where I went I didn't fit," I stopped due to the fact that I was letting too many emotions show. While I was not Vulcan my father had raised me as if I were and taught me how to keep my emotions perfectly in check. I calmed my mind and put on my best blank face, which looked uncannily like Spock's. Spock straightened up in the chair clearly sensing that there were far too many emotions going down.

"Well I believe my curiosity is sated for now Cadet. I am sorry for ay burden this may have caused you," He stood and began a slow walk to the door.

"It was no burden commander oyori," I heard the door close behind him a turned back to my file but I found that I couldn't focus on it. Thoughts and memories began swimming around in my head. I believe I knew Commander Spock before on Vulcan. But I was never allowed to talk to the other kids for fear that my human natures would give away the rouge we had created. He was always by himself, if memory serves correct. I remember wanting to reach out to him then because he looked as lonely as I did. Maybe this was fate then that I was put back into touch with him. I put down the report as soon as I had the intercom dinged.

"Cadet Andie, the Captain requests your presence on the bridge," Sulu's voice rang.

"Affirmative, inform the captain that I am on my way." Well there goes the night off I guess. Not that I really sleep much anyway.

As I entered the bridge I saw that not the whole crew was assembled it was just the basics. Kirk sat perched in the Captain's chair, "You wished to see me captain?" He rose to face me.

"Yes cadet. We need supplies for the ship. New Vulcan is the closest planet you and Spock will beam down and retrieve what we need." I had not yet set foot on new Vulcan and preferred to not go but this was an order from my Captain.

"As you wish Captain. When will we depart?"

"We should reach there in thirty minutes or so," Spock answered. I nodded in response.

Thirty two minutes later I was standing beside Commander Spock on the face of New Vulcan. It looked a lot like Vulcan in many aspects but it was not our home. The Commander seemed to know precisely where we were heading so I quietly followed as we reached the center of the new colony. Upon entering the "Town hall" as humans would say we were met with what was left of the council and a man who I did not know.

"Father it is good to see you again. It appears the New Vulcan is doing well," Spock seemed to be addressing the man in the middle of the counsel. If memory serves he was the ambassador to earth back on Vulcan and had taken a lot of hate from marrying a human woman.

"Who is your companion Spock? It is odd not to see Jim with you," Spock father asked.

"Father this is Andrea Amell, The captain believed that since me and Mrs. Amell were accustom to the heat on Vulcan it would be best served if we beamed down onto the planet."

"Amell? As in Zevran's daughter?"

"Affirmative."

"It is good to see you again Andrea, it has been a long time."

"Indeed it has sir," Spock's father was one of the few on Vulcan who knew my secret and he had kept it still as to my knowledge, "I am glad to see you in good health and New Vulcan seems to be prospering well."

"Indeed. Now Spock what is it you have come for?"

"We require supplies father. The Enterprise underwent a difficult mission trying to bargain with the Gorgons and they seemed to have drained us dry of almost everything." Spock father nodded for him to follow him. It seemed to be very clear that I was not invited as to wherever they were going. I watched as the older, unfamiliar Vulcan followed the pair before I kindly stepped outside to wait for my companion.

After about ten minutes I began becoming impatient and wondered back inside to see what was taking the Commander so long. The rest of the Vulcans had left the room and I quietly followed down the passage Spock had taken. I could hear voices coming from one of the rooms at the end of the hall. When I reached the door I could just barely peak inside. I saw the Commander talking with the older Vulcan who up close looked a lot like Spock, his grandfather perhaps?

"Spock you know that I swore never to tell you anything that might alter your destiny seeing as how this world is different from mine and the path you choose to walk is yours alone I do want to say that girl you arrived with today. Be careful of her she could very well be your undoing."

"I'm afraid I do not understand Mr. Spock. The Cadet is a human but she seems to be more Vulcan having being raised here, she is a dedicated member of the Enterprise. What could she do to me that would undo me?"

"All I can say for I come from a time different from this one is that in my time Spock, that girl will cause a lot of pain, and heartbreak."

I scoffed at the notion and turned away from the door headed back outside. Who was that guy anyway? How did he know me? I never forgot a face and his was one I would defiantly remember. How could he say that I would cause pain and heartbreak? Having lost the only family I knew the crew of the Enterprise was the closest thing I had anymore and I would protect them with my life. After a few moment of meditation I was Join by Spock who had a knapsack flung over his shoulder filled with the supplies we had come for.

"Are you ready Cadet?" I nodded in agreement. "Spock to Enterprise we are ready to be beamed back aboard."

Once we were back on the ship I followed Spock to the bridge. It seemed empty except for the minimal crew. "The captain expected you to be longer and gave everyone the night off sir," one of the night crew said. The Commander wasted no time in retreating to his quarters. I however took my time, still lost in thought. I had to ask Spock who that man was, so I turned and began heading back to his quarters. The door opened when I rang the bell. Spock had dressed down so he was wearing his of duty clothes.

"I'm sorry to disturb you Commander," I tried sheepishly.

"It is no disturbance Cadet," he said looking over at me.

"I just have something to ask of you. Who was the older Vulcan backs there the one that followed you and your father?"

"He is me. He came from the future." Well that would explain how he knew me and not I him. "Why do you ask?" I looked down at the floor trying to avoid his stern gaze.

"To be completely honest I went looking for you after a while and might have heard a snippet of the two of yours conversation," I couldn't explain it but whenever I was alone with the commander it felt like I was on trial under his gaze. I heard him get up and walk over until his boots came into view on the floor in front of me.

"So you were concerned as to what he said about you?" I nodded. "What he says may be true and may not be. When he came into this time he altered everything. So I would not take his words to heart. I have not," I looked up at the commander who was now staring down at me with intensity that half frightened me.

"Well I am glad to hear that commander; I have no intention of harming anyone aboard the Enterprise." His closeness was making it hard for me to think I took a step back only for him to take a step forward.

"I know Cadet. You have a warm heart and a Vulcan mind logically speaking the mixture is much like my own so I know how you feel, what you think, how you'll act. Right now I can hear your heart beating faster than normal am I making you uncomfortable?" I felt very uncomfortable not only because Spock was so close to me that I couldn't think straight but the look in his eyes scared me straight down to my core. The more I was around the commander the more I found myself wanted to be closer to him. The slightest brush of his shoulder against mine made my heart race. But now that he was so close I was scared. I knew him and Uhura had a thing it was widely talked about in the academy so the thoughts that I was experiencing were wrong. I began wondering if his lips were cold due to the Vulcan blood or warm like a human. I shook my head coming back to reality, realizing he had asked me a question. I searched deep within and found my fighter instinct and straightened up and worked to stable my breathing.

"No Commander I am not uncomfortable, more confused. It is illogical for you to be this close to another woman when you currently have a girl. I am sure this conversation could be made at a normal conversational distance." I saw I small smile creep into his solid lips.

"Unlike most things a Vulcan does this may be completely illogical. If the girl you speak of is Nyota then you're wrong. She is not mine. I ended it with her months ago. She does not understand what it's like to be an outsider to everyone. She is loved by people of all races while I am hated, by both human and Vulcan alike. I try to only show my Vulcan half but I still feel things like a human. It is hard to be around people who don't understand, which is why I believe I feel safe around you," his hand came up to cup my cheek. His hands were like ice on my burning skin. His thumb began stroking back and forth on my cheek in such a soothing way I began to lean into the caress. "You, and you alone know what it's like to be on the outside looking in. you are a human but were raised by Vulcan parents. You were taught the ways of logic and reason like me but you are still human meaning you give into your emotions when logic fails. When Spock prime inferred you would be my undoing I thing he meant my way of being. I find myself unable to think logically when you're around and wondering if that lovely blonde hair of yours is as fine as it looks. I find myself wanting to reach out and touch it," his hand moved from my cheek to my hair, playing with a strand between his fingers. He raised it up to his lips and kissed it, like they did in a lot of the old movies my old roommate use to watch. I could feel the blush creeping into my face as his gaze softened more each second he talked. I could see the hurt in his eyes now. All the pain and loneliness he kept hidden for so long. I realized I'd seen that look in his eyes before, whenever I was alone looking into mirrors that look was there. "Andie," the sound of my name on his lips made me shudder, "I find myself wanting to give into my human emotions. Will you grant me permission? Just this once?" I really had no idea what he was asking permission for but I nodded anyway, willing to accept whatever it was this man had to offer me. Spock closed the distance between us and kissed me. I found my answers that his lips were actually warm and very soft against my own. I closed my eyes and wrapped my arms around his neck trying to pull him closer. I had not realized that tears were beginning to streak down my pale cheeks. Spock must have felt them for he pulled away and lifted his hand up to wipe them away. I had never known life could be this sweet. Spock pulled me into a tight hug. I nuzzled my face into the crook of his neck and let myself cry. Moment later I could feel Spock was crying as well. We had both held back for so long, knowing that if we showed emotion it would show just how human we were. After what seemed like hours but was only minutes, I pulled away from Spock wiping the tears from my own eyes and then his. "Shan hall as," he muttered. In Vulcan it meant the engulfment in human it was like love at first sight. I had only been aboard the Enterprise for three earth days and had already began a relationship with the First Officer but right now I couldn't care less about rules and regulations. I needed Spock just as much as I think the needs me. "Ni'var," I responded. I never really used Vulcan very much but it seemed like it was a connection to Spock, a way to show him just how alike we are. We were two halves that make a unity. As much as I wanted to stay there, safe in the arms of my Commander I knew that eventually the logical Spock would be back and he would be worried about people's speculations as to why I had been in his quarters for so long. I pulled out of his embraced and straightened my uniform a bit.

"I should probably go commander. You know how people love to talk," it was ripping my heart to say those words but I knew it was logical. Spock surprised me when he grabbed my wrist and pulled me over to the bed.

"Let them talk for right now I don't care. I want you here with me, unless you want to leave," he looked sad as if there was a chance that I might reject him. I smiled and leaned down to briefly brush my lips against his.

"There is no place I'd rather be than here with you Spock." That being said Spock laid down on the bed making room for me. I was still in my uniform but that didn't matter, all that mattered was Spock was waiting for me, beaconing me into his arms and that was right where I wanted to be. I curled up next to him on the bed, snuggling into his warmth as his arms encircled around me.

"Nemusha Ainama Aisha," Spock murmured into my hair. It was the Vulcan way of saying sleeps my beautiful love. And soon I did, I became lost in the sound of Spock's heart and soon became engulfed.

Looking back now I wish things could have stayed that way forever. I wish I could have frozen time at that very moment to keep the pure love we had safe. It was like a dream come true, but not all dreams are good. Some become nightmares, things that haunt us even when we are awake, things we will never forget. My dream of a life with Spock was crushed the day I found out about the mad man known as Khan…