Trigger Warning: discussion of rape

It took a little while for this one. Obvious reasons I hope.
...

The knocking startled Jake out of his woolgathering, and he jumped to get the door. He'd been sitting on the couch in front of a quiet TV he wasn't watching, waiting nervously.

He opened the door to a grinning Roxy. He blinked in surprise.

"Hiya Jaaaake!" She sang his named as she bustled past him and plopped a bunch of bags down on the couch. He turned back to see Janey behind her, John in her arms, blue eyes large and staring.

"Hello Janey." He smiled, taking the bags she handed him and stepping back as she walked past him. "And you too, Roxy ol' gal!"

"Aww, shoosh Jake, we're here on important business!" He grinned, bouncing her way to his fridge.

"And what would that be?" He played along, setting his bags on the couch. He turned to Janey and held his arms out for John.

"We're gonna drop off Johnny there and then take off for Vegas!" Jake laughed as she screamed, "WOO! YAH! VEGAS!" And proceeded to imitate taking her shirt off and dancing her way down the hall, no doubt going to give Dirk a scare. Janey giggled and rolled her eyes. She looked at Jake carefully.

"You look well." She smiled.

Jake returned it. "I'm a bit nervous, I'll admit." He looked at John, whose large blue eyes were still focused on him. He swallowed nervously.

"You'll do great." Was all Janey could reassure him before Roxy came galloping back towards them.

"Where's Dirky?" She pouted, throwing her arms over Jane, as if she would know.

"He went to work, his co-worker called in sick and he had to cover for her." Jake answered.

Roxy huffed. "Not fair! Leaving me alone!" She puffed to the kitchen and opened up the fridge. "Jake! Where's the beer? Since when do you not have beer?" She wailed.

Jake chuckled. "Guess you'll have to mourn to loss of your lover another way, Roxy gal." He winked, and she pouted.

Jane snorted, checking her watch. "Roxy, could you be a peach and watch John for a little bit? His daddy and I need to talk." She smiled, and Roxy immediately brightened.

"Suuure I'll watch the little guy!" She plucked the baby from Jake's arms and twirled him around in the air, making vrooming sounds like an airplane and earning a pleasantly startled gummy smile. "Aunty Roxy will watch ya, won't she baby." She cooed, and John watched her, gumming his fist happily. Jake watched how she interacted with the baby, and tucked the information away for later.

Jane smiled, and Jake followed her out of the apartment, walking beside her pleasantly.

"So, what's this adventure about? You have a surprise for me or something, sweet thing?" He flirted easily, sticking his hands in his pockets. "Perhaps a How-To-Be-a-Father book? A kiss farewell, maybe?" He chuckled. "Afraid I'm off limits, Janey; I learned my lesson." He laughed again before noticing how quiet Jane was. "Janey?"

"Hm?" She answered quietly.

"Are you alright?" He leaned down to try to see her face, and she gave him a diminished smile.

"Not really, Jake." He came to a sudden stop, and he realized they were on the sidewalk in front of his apartment building. "Don't want to go too far, Roxy might think we eloped." She tried to crack a joke, but Jake knew she didn't mean it. He'd seen her expression before she's smiled.

"What's going on?" He asked her sincerely, looking into her blue, lashy eyes. He wanted her to know he was serious.

She sighed, the smile being wiped off her face, her face turning towards the road.

"I don't really know how to approach this, Jake." She started quietly, "But I think I owe you an apology for my rotten behavior." She wouldn't meet his confused eyes.

"For what?" Something occurred to him. "Oh! Is this all a front because you're worried about John? Don't worry Janey, I might be incompetent, but Dirk isn't, and Roxy is only a call away!" He tried to coax a smile out of her, and found her expression as somber as ever.

"That's not it, Jake."

He was back to being confused. She sighed, seeing he didn't understand.

"I'm talking about.. that night." She hurriedly watch the road.

Jake searched his memory for a night of significance.

"Missing your birthday all those years ago?"

"No, Jake."

He thought again. "Was it that night at the hospital? Because it was really my fault for how Dirk reacted; I should have told him in the first place. There's no need for you to feel guil-"

"I'm talking about the night we had sex, Jake."

Jake heard his jaw snap shut and felt his cheeks flame a bit.

"Oh." He cleared his throat. "Right." He thought back to that night, the bar, the bet, the shaky ride in the cab, slipping in and out of consciousness. "What about it?"

Janey looked the her toes.

"I was thinking recently Jake. Deeply thinking. I was thinking back, trying to figure things out. Mostly, I was thinking about you and Dirk, and how what we- I, did tore you two apart." She said, her voice getting lower the faster she spoke, "I took you home, and you were drunk, clearly not able to make rational decisions, and I knew that," and Jake had to lean in a bit to hear her. "And I think I owe you an apology for," He heard her voice quiver. "For raping you." She whispered.

Jake felt his eyes widen, and he took a step back.

Janey had.. raped him?

"Wait, what?" His brain had just force quit and all that stared back at him was a blank screen.

"I said I'm sorry." She said, somehow becoming smaller. "Sorry for raping you."

Jake felt his eyebrow snap together.

"You didn't rape me, Janey!" He implored whispering the awful word, slightly incredulous she was apologizing for such an extreme, evil offense. "I don't remember much about that night, but I remember kissing you first! And beyond that," He continued, still unbelieving they were having this conversation. "I remember bits and glimpses of the actual act, and I distinctly remember enjoying it!" Janey's eyes had slowly rose to meet this, wide and shocked.

"You do?" She asked, her blue eyes dinner plates "I thought you said you didn't remember anything?"

"Last time you asked me that, I didn't. But I've had plenty of time to think about that night, and a few bits came back to me. Granted, I still don't remember much." He scratched his head, something occurring to him that made it his turn to be ashamed. "In fact, I should be asking for your forgiveness. You remember more than me; did I.." He could barely say the vile word, "rape.. you?" He glanced at her still shocked face.

"No, no!" She hurried to reassure him. "No, I quite wanted it!" Her face lit up when she realized what she'd said, and they both looked away, embarrassed.

A moment of awkward silence later, Jane spoke again.

"But you have to realize I'm still the evil one here, Jake." Jake glanced back at her, and saw she'd settled in a diminished chagrin again.

"How do you mean?" He asked.

"Well, you don't remember everything." She said. "And obviously, as the possible rapist in question, what I remember can't be proven true."

Jake leaned against the brick building, thinking.

"You're right." He told her. "What you just said is the truth. I have no idea if in between those moments of enjoyment I wanted it or not." He saw her deflate like a balloon, shame coloring her face.

"So, I apologize." She said. "For possibly forcing you." Her head hung in shame, and she felt very hot under Jake's gaze.

"But did you?"

"Huh?" Her head snapped up, and she saw Jake looking at her, unbelievably calm.

"But did you?" He repeated. "Janey, we've been friends for so many years. I trust your word maybe a bit more than I trust my own dubious nature," He chuckled at his own joke. "So tell me, do you think you committed a crime?"

Jane swallowed nervously, her heart in her throat. She thought back to that night on the couch, Jake's skin sleek and soft against her own, so hot, so loud above her, his expressions so intense.

"I was drunk too, Jake. My word about that night is 'dubious'." She emphasized, looking deep into his green eyes. "But, from what I remember," She double checked her memories, searching for anything that could be criminal, and found nothing again. "No."

A smile, a beam of radiant sunshine hit her from his face, and she was pulled into a tight bear hug that left her winded when he pulled her away and beamed down at her.

"That's good enough for me, Janey." His smile almost melted her heart, and she felt the tears she'd been pushing back finally make hot trails down her cheeks.

…...

"Yeah, Janey-boo's talkin' to him now." Roxy said, playing with John's closed fist and holding the phone to her head by pressing it against her shoulder. She was lying against the couch's arm rest, with John leaning against her knees.

"What do you think they're talking about?" Dirk asked.

Roxy perked on the sliver of emotion he'd tried to hide. "Oooh, why ya wanna know Dirky, you getting' all jealous 'n shit?"

"Fuck no."

She heard the sliver become larger than it had been.

"Don't play with me, gaylord, I hear ya."

She heard him suppress and anxious sigh. "I'm just fucking curious, Rox. Can't a guy be curious about shit anymore? Christ, can I buy a new brand of underwear just because I wanna know how it'll feel against my balls, or do I have to file a report inform Queen Roxy of my inquiry so she can give me the third degree?

"Oh, Dirky, you always have the bestest analogies when you're irritated." She teased, laughing when he sighed again. "I'm just bustin' ya balls, babe. Jane's probs talking about the baby, tellin' Jake granola bars and protein shakes aren't baby food, diapers don't get flushed, ya know, shit like that."

"You think that's it?"

Roxy heard what he was really asking.

"They're standing right outside the doorway, right there on the sidewalk, they're not sneaking off for a.." She thought for the word, "What's the word Jake says, the English lingo? Shage? Shag? Swag? Yeah, swag." She grinned. "I gots the most swag, Dirk, not you."

"Do they look like they're coming back soon?"

"Iunno, lemme get up." She picked up John and swung her feet to the floor. She laid the baby on the couch while she quickly went to the window and glanced down. Jane was leaning on Jake's shoulder, crying. She felt a wave of concern and pity. She went back to pick up John before he started crying from being left alone.

"I think she's cryin'. Jake's pattin' her back." She picked him up and held her to her chest before hoping, both feet onto the couch and plopping down, falling backwards into her former position.

"Crying?"

"Yeah. Dirk, remember? She just had a baby! She's got that post-birth depression shit, trust me, I know, I live right next to her!" She settled said baby onto her legs, where he had been, and took to playing with his hands again.

"Oh, right." Roxy knew he probably had spent time not thinking about her.

"On top of that, she's gotta leave her new baby to go to school. She adores this kid." She waved his fists and made a face, which made John give her a gummy opened mouth smile.

"Right. Shit. Can't believe I forgot about that."

"Doesn't surprise me," She made another face to John, who made a gurgle of laughter. "Ya been focus on your own problems, totes understandable 'n shit." She stuck her tongue out at the baby, who gurgled back. "What about you, Dirk, ya ready to be a dad?"

"I'm going to try. Can't promise shit, but I'm not gonna let Jake kill the kid. Picture. Mr. Bullets and Booty Shorts trying to figure out how to get a baby to burp."

Roxy laughed. "More like, 'How can one kid shit so much?' Oh gosh, Dirk!" Roxy laughed harder, and she heard a small chuckle on the other end of the phone. "Don't be 'fraid to call me up if youse two feel like ya gonna murder each other and the kid, I'm available whenever, promise!"

"Will do, Rox. And I have no doubt we'll be calling pretty often. Like fuck it we know what we're doing."

"Oh, don't worry, Dirk, I'm sure you'll figure it out. They say no parents are ever fucking ready for kids."

"Comforting."

"Speaking the truth, honest!"

"Lie to me then." He snorted into the phone, sarcasm dripping from his words, "Tell me I'll be fantastic. Tell me I'll be able to deal with Jake's drama and tell me I'll be a fantastic parent. Fill my head with idea that I'll be fucking unbelievable and that I am totally ready for this shit." Roxy knew what he was asking behind the snark.

"You'll be a great dad, Dirk." She spoke sincerely, ignoring the tough-bravo Dirk always put on when he was feeling vulnerable. "The best. You'll be the best sword-swingin' sugoo dess neigh gaylord in the whole freaking world!" Her voice had risen to a yell at the end of it, and John started to cry. "Oh no, baby, I was yellin' at yer stupid..." Dirk heard her voice get further away, and assumed she'd dropped the phone to comfort the crying baby.

His crying baby. Jake's son, and his.. step-son? Sorta, kinda?

God, Roxy had made him feel so much better. She'd relieved so much weight from his shoulders just by telling him he could do it.

"What would I do without you, Roxy?"

"Huh?" He heard he pick the phone back up. "Didja say somethin' Dirk?"

"No, nothing. You're drunk; hearing things. As usual. No fucking surprise there."

"Har har, hardy har." She rolled her eyes, and heard footsteps outside the door. She panicked. "Oh gosh, Dirk, they're back, okay byeee!" She stage whispered and hung up before Dirk could even thank her. She knew he'd make it up to her later.

…...

"MAKIN' MY WAY DOWNTOWN, WALKIN' FAST!"

"Faces pass, and I'm homebound!"

Roxy beat two fingers against the steering wheel to the piano, and Jane laughed at the intensity on her face. They joined in the next verse together, not even singing anymore, rather just shouting the words at each other.

"STARING BLANKLY AHEAD! JUST MAKING MY WAY, MAKING A WAY THROUGH THE CROoOoOWD!" They shouted in unison, Jane nearly laughing herself into an early grave.

She was enjoying this so much. It was good to have girl time. Roxy had been so busy with work these past few months, trying to get enough extra cash together to help the boys out whenever she could and not lose her apartment. Jane had missed her terribly.

Roxy had missed her too, so they'd decided Roxy would drive her across state borders and bring her right to campus. It would be a long, boring drive alone, and she knew Roxy was also doing her best to help her not think of John and Jake, or pay attention to her slight depression. And she was very good at being a ton of fun. So much fun, Jane thought she might pee her pants.

"Roxy! Roxy, you have to pull over! I'm going to piss myself!" She laughed, her stomach hurting and her eyes tearing.

"Oh, yikes!" Roxy made a very speedy turn into the other lane, "Watch out, back off, baby mama with a bladder coming through!" Some cars honked at her crazy driving, but Jane only laughed.

"Oh, calm down Sugar, you're gonna get a ticket!"

"Me? Never! Roxy is the queen of the highway!" She passed a car to prove her point, then rejoined the lane.

"Roxy!" Jane chided her.

"Oh fine." Roxy calmed down as the song finished playing, and then turned the radio low. "So, you excited?"

Jane smiled. "Nervous. I only visited the campus once."

"But you fell in love with it." Roxy teased.

"Yes." Jane sighed dreamily, leaning back in her seat. "It's perfect. I'm very nervous about the program though."

"Oh, you'll be fine!" Roxy brushed off her fears. "You're super duper smart, and pretty and talented, and you can cook so frickin' good. They're all gonna be super jealous and all your teachers are gonna be so happy they got a half talented pupil." Roxy winked at her. "Or maybe ya knew that and you're really just worried about the boys."

Jane smiled, caught.

"Yes.." She felt her face wrinkle with worry. "Do you think it was wrong of me to leave Jake, I-once-wrangled-a-mountain-lion-because-I-thought-I-could-and-didn't-think-I'd-get-that-hurt Jake, with all that responsibility?"

Roxy tilted her head in thought, eyes on the road. "I don't think so. I mean, it's his kid too, and besides, he's got me 'n Dirk for when he wants to act like a little kid." Roxy cast Jane an amused glance. "Your baby daddy is almost as much of a baby as yer baby."

"I know." Jane sighed, anxiety returning.

"But!" Roxy hurried to back pedal, "But I think this will be good for him. Have you seen him look at John? I mean really look at him? He's lovestruck." Roxy remembered the night John was born, how Jake couldn't even take his eyes off the baby for more than a few seconds. It was like he hadn't really grasped the concept of he had a son until he saw him. Until he looked and realized the baby in his friend's arms had his hair, his lips, his face. That part of him was forever within another person, his DNA intertwined into someone else's.

"You think he'll handle the stress? I mean, John's a good boy, but he does cry, and some nights he can't sleep." Jane fretted, picking at her fingers nervously.

"Of course he will." Roxy felt a joke was needed to break the tension. "I bet at most the only thing that will suffer will be their sex life."

Janey burst out laughing, and Roxy laughed with her.

"Oh, I'm sure! Hard to hold an erection when a baby's crying in the other room!" They laughter faded comfortably, and they both grinned at each other. Then the GPS spoke up, and they followed its instructions, Jane turning the radio up again, and they continued singing as loudly as they could.

…...

Jake felt himself start to slip into consciousness, the world starting to come into focus around him as one by one his senses began waking up. The too hot warmth of the blanket on top of him, weighing down on him, the soft light filtering to his closed eyes, the feeling of the cotton sheets rubbing against his skin. He smiled, feeling happy with the morning, and weirdly sticky.

Then it hit him.

Dirk!

His eyes opened instantaneously, and to his relief he saw a lax face beneath a nest of blond wisps a few inches away. He breathed again, smiling. He wondered if one day he would be able to close his eyes and not be afraid that Dirk would be gone when he'd opened them.

Shut it, English, you sound like a teenage girl! He mentally chided himself, and kicked the blankets off his rapidly overheating body, but was reluctant to actually get out of bed, especially now that Dirk was there again.

He sighed contently, and shuffled closer to the man beside him, almost touching but not quite. He was still wary, nervous, about how far he could go.

Dirk.. he'd said things last night. And Jake knew he'd said everything he'd needed to, nice and concisely, even if Jake had to sit back now and try to digest what Dirk had really meant. That was always the thing with Dirk, he rarely said anything he didn't mean or hadn't thought about, whereas Jake just blurted out nonsense whenever he wanted to. Dirk thought about his words, put feeling and energy into them, cultivated them like a wine before letting them out. They carried actual meaning, they weren't just a verbal message. Jake just sometimes had to think about them to understand them.

Like now. He really didn't want to misunderstand anything Dirk said now. Because what he had gotten out of Dirk's speech, despite his distracting arousal and embarrassment, had been Dirk was giving him a second chance.

A second chance with Dirk. To be with Dirk. He was not going to fuck this up.

So, right, thinking. About what Dirk had said before they, er, got busily distracted.

He wasn't forgiven. Dirk had said that outright. Dirk couldn't forgive him.

But, he wanted him. He'd said that too. So he couldn't forgive him, but he wanted him despite of that? Yes. Yes, good. Ok.

So, here he was, being given a second chance. Jake had decided last night that he would accept whatever Dirk wanted, and here Dirk was, wanting a second chance.

Ok. Jake took ten deep breaths, feeling the cement in his stomach soften. Ok.

He could stop thinking right here. He'd reached the end of the What Had Happened. He was content with that alone, he didn't need to know the Why.

But of course, his brain wasn't going to let him let it go.

Why was Dirk giving him a second chance?

I could've forgotten anyone else. But not you.

He couldn't forget Jake. That must mean he loved him, right?

The cement in his stomach returned, hard, fast and with prickling ice.

Dirk loved him? After all he'd put him through? That couldn't be right. That shouldn't be right!

He didn't deserve it.

"Oi, Kawaii Assbutt."

Jake's eyes snapped towards Dirk's sleepy baritone, and were met with his glowing amber ones, melty with sleep.

"Quit thinking so hard. We can talk about it." He was leaning on his arms, laying on his stomach, with the side of his face pressed into his pillow. His hair was golden threads in the morning sun, and his smelting eyes turned Jake's heart to pudding.

"Okay." Jake did his best to give a smile, but he knew Dirk would see how nervous he was. He felt a stone's throw from becoming a hermit, just so he could isolate himself.

"Hey." Jake met Dirk's gaze, his tone much softer. "It's okay." He murmured, reaching one hand out form beneath the covers and cupping Jake's face. He watched as his panicked green doe eyes fluttered shut and he leaned into his touch. "We can talk, Jake. I'm not gonna bounce before we do." He sat up without removing his hand from Jake's cheek. "I told you that last night, didn't I?" Jake nodded, eyes still closed, in his palm. "Alright then." He leaned forward and placed a chaste kiss on Jake's lips. When he pulled away, Jake was calmer. He met his eyes with a small smile.

"Okay, Dirk. We'll talk."

"Yeah." Dirk smiled, pressing their foreheads together.

They sat in the comfortable quiet for a few minutes, just enjoying each other's presence, touching without tension, listening to their combined breathing and soaking each other in as the sun rose higher behind the blinds. Dirk leaned forward and pressed an innocent kiss to Jake's lips, before leaning his forehead against his again. A few moments later, Jake kissed him back, hesitation and nerves underlying the chaste kiss.

They both knew it would take time to rebuild what they'd had. There was no going back to the days when Jake never gave Dirk a straight answer, then invited him along for a hike and making love under the shade of summit trees. Skating around their feelings, both afraid to progress things beyond what they were. Dirk being nervous of scaring Jake off if he pressed for anything, and Jake being unsure of himself and what he wanted. They'd both grown through this, how fast things could change in so little time.

Dirk had changed. Having his heart broke the way it had been had hardened him. It had sent him over the brink of full adulthood, and all the teenage angst and hesitation was behind him. He wouldn't stand for half assed things anymore. He had grown beyond caring about things that demanded more than he wanted to give. He wouldn't take bullshit anymore, and he wasn't going to hold himself back like he'd held back his feelings before. He was going to present himself exactly how he was, and anybody's reaction to that was none of his concern. He couldn't give a fuck less.

Jake, Jake had changed too. He was finally becoming an adult. He was pushing himself to not hesitate. He couldn't make himself such an inconvenience to everyone he cared about if he wanted them to stick around. He was slowly realizing his interests weren't the most important things. And he was pushing for these changes himself. He had come to this epiphany all on his own, and was determined to mature fully, for his own sake, as well as the people he loved.

He knew it was going to be tough. He could only hope Dirk, and Jane and Roxy too, would encourage him along.

"Dirk?" He breathed, pressing feather light kisses to his face.

"Yeah?"

Everything he wanted to tell him, promise him, tell him of his revelations, tell him how much he meant to him. How he would sooner give up guns and adventuring for the rest of his life than hurt him again. About how he was truly sorry, from the depths of his soul. He wanted to tell him there was no one else he could imagine himself touching, loving other than him, and how it was okay if Dirk never forgave him, because he could hardly forgive himself. He could imagine no better future than waking up every morning to Dirk's weight on his mattress, and sweaty mountain summit kisses. But he found he simply didn't know the right words.

"I love you." Worked.

Dirk smiled, a full, real smile, and kissed him, less chastely. They kissed, their smiles quickly turning to grins, then giggles when they parted until they were both full out laughing, neither knowing why. Their shoulders shook and their faces turned red, heaving laughter until they collapsed backwards on the bed, unable to remember why they started laughing in the first place. They lay there, legs tangled in the blanket, their bare bodies warm in the morning sunlight, and fingers intertwined as they caught their breath. For that golden moment, everything was perfection.