Hope

Spacegypsy1

Rated PG13 – language, angst

Pairing – Daniel and Vala

Timeline – After AoT

A missing Vala, a frantic Daniel. Search and Rescue or Life and Death? Daniel's POV.

~Chapter One

"Oft hope is born when all is forlorn." ~ J. R. R. Tolkien

I sucked in air through clenched teeth hoping the horrendous pain would subside quickly. I am dying, bleeding out on a scorched and barren plateau. I don't want to live. She's gone. Really gone. She was right in front of me. Right here. She cried out my name when I was hit and then... then the fiery blast hit her so hard she went flying into the air. Oh god, oh god. And she disappeared over the cliff.

Daniel. The low gentle voice called.

"Mom?" Oh god I hurt so bad. I'm hearing things.

A soft laugh accompanied the kindly spoken, "No."

I thought I was seeing the proverbial white light of death until I felt a warm and familiar sensation directly over the hole in my body. Alteran! Who the hell was left that I hadn't directly or indirectly sent into some infinite, never ending struggle, or simply into oblivion? Were there others I don't remember who wait on their turn to manipulate me... through eternity? "Enough! Stop! Stop. Let me die. Let me die and ascend me or let me just die and stop this agonizing pain. I will never come back to this life. I can't do that without her. Do not heal me. I loved her so much. I never told her that." I was crying like a helpless baby. I couldn't stop. The physical pain and the emotional turmoil had me whimpering like a sick animal. "Please. Please. It hurts so bad."

The pain suddenly was gone and I knew. I knew I faced much, much worse. "Damn you! NO!" But the unknown healer was gone, as was my wound. I would live.

Sam called my name from far off. The unmistakable sound of running followed, Mitchell yelling something and Teal'c answering drew closer. I'll live. God damn it, I will live.

~0i0~

The first time I ever saw her I was hooked. She truly was the most amazing, beautiful woman and it'd been a very long time since I'd felt that kind of attraction.

She is my opposite, my nemesis. My soulmate. My albatross. The thing I most want. The thing I cannot tolerate. My ruination. My salvation. My paradox. Does she really care for me, or is she using me? I rejected the opportunity to find out. For what?

I could never forget that kiss on the Prometheus. The earth shook... or the ship. It was as though she breathed her soul into mine and took me as her host. And still I fought. For years and when I finally, finally, came to understand that she was the other half of me... she was gone.

The first time that happened to me, when I lost my wife, I shut down my heart. And Vala found a way to jump start it. And when I so loved her and so wanted her... forever and ever, she too was gone.

I stared across the room at the dirty and tattered remains of the giraffe I had dug out from what little of her pack someone found.

My eyes stung and I wondered as I had for every second of the last twenty four hours, how the hell could there be any tears left in my body? I can't understand how anyone thinks real men don't cry? I would gladly bear the unbearable pain from my wound to have avoided this insanity. I want to believe that she could have survived. I want to.

The memory of her face that showed such horror. The scream that ripped from her throat. The way her body seemed devoid of bone as she appeared to sail over the edge. This haunts me like a freight train barreling towards me, its light blinding me, its horn screaming at me.

Hearing footsteps approaching I wiped at the stupid worthless tears, put my glasses back on and ducked my head, pretending to write notes in my journal.

"Hey." Sam says, attempting normal and failing.

"Hey." I responded tersely.

"Daniel."

The way she says my name angers me. Doused with pity. Concern. Love. I hate all of it! I hate them! They dog me every hour, hoping I am… am... normal. Well, I'm not and I won't ever be again. I stood suddenly.

"Look!" Having finally had enough, I shot out of my chair so fast it slammed into the wall behind me. "I don't need baby-sitting. I'm not going to slit my wrists, or take a bunch of pills or shoot myself... god knows I wish I had the balls to, but I don't. Please stop checking up on me!" I dropped my head down; I pinched the bridge of my nose under my glasses. I wanted to run. Or scream profanity endlessly. Or disappear, vanish.

Her shocked gasp made me feel guilty but when I looked up she was sobbing, not gasping as she sputtered out. "There... there is always hope that she..."

I yelled. I yelled so loud my body shook. "God damn, it! STOP! I saw her die, a horrible death. I saw it. Saw it. Saw it!"

Standing up straighter, Sam yelled just as loud, "I've seen you die! On more than one occasion!"

Admittedly, I calmed down a bit faced with her anger. "This is different." I say, trying to make her understand.

"NO!" Her teeth all but ground out her words. "I watched you burn, heard you scream..." This time I didn't take the sob as a gasp. "I sat by and watched as you were eaten alive by radiation. In such pain I could not comprehend, all the while trying to comfort us!" Sam covered her mouth with the back of her hand for a moment, her eyes narrowed at me, then her hand dropped to her side, fisted. "Please, Daniel. Just consider the facts. She could be out there somewhere. Alone. Waiting. I know you loved her."

Those words hit me like a well aimed blow and I stumbled back a step as she continued.

"Vala is my friend... and... and... I can't stop thinking she might need our help! You always shut people out to wallow in your personal hell. Fine! But I won't give up. We won't give up. And you shouldn't either. You never have. Why now?"

"Because," I say in a jagged whisper. "I'm fucking crazy. I can't take anymore loss. I can't."

"I know you're crazy. You have a right to be. BUT... if you will pretend to be sane and pass your psych eval you can accompany us. There's a newly refurbished ship. The George Hammond, I'm cleared to take it out on a maiden voyage, an investigative mission. No one should be left behind on some planet, out in the universe. If nothing else, we can... we can bring her... bring her body back. We have four days. Teal'c and Cam have already been approved to join me."

I must have looked as crazy as I am because she stared, uncertain.

At that moment, Mitchell entered my office, looked me dead in the eyes and said, "Wasn't it Freud that said," he paused and initiated bunny quotes with his fingers, "and I quote, 'A man should not strive to eliminate his complexes, but to get into accord with them; they are legitimately what directs his conduct in the world'. So, Jackson, you goin' or not?"

~0i0~

It's scary how easily I passed my psychological evaluation.

I'm staring out the window, only vaguely aware of the stars, and no saner than I was before. The George Hammond hums beneath my feet. I don't know most of the people on this ship. They are all so young. I feel so old. I have little time to myself, as Teal'c and Mitchell and occasionally Sam hover like mother hens. Funny, right?

I had a long conversation with Jack before we left Earth. Grilling him about the time they thought I had died a horrible, fiery death. Amazingly, he was patient and answered every question I fired rapidly at him. He paused less than a heartbeat after answering my last question, and said, "Daniel, don't be a dick. Crazy doesn't work for me. Come back safe and... well, I hope you find her, she suits you."

And standing here I realize she did... hopefully, does suit me. I will hold onto the hope that she is out there waiting for me. And that I suit her. I can't think of anything else right now. I can only hope. And pray. And search. Hell, I didn't want to hope. Or pray. Or search. I'm too afraid of the outcome. Sam was right, I do want to wallow in self pity. I want to crawl in a hole and die. But here I am. Again. I survived this same scenario before. I will survive it again, and this time I will not regret it. Maybe, just maybe there is hope.

"Vala." I whispered her name out loud, my heart not silently breaking, but shattering with the force of a Naquadah bomb.

~0i0~ TBC