My thanks to those of you who read this prior to posting for keeping me at it. Also, thanks to Willow for her wonderful editing/proofing/making-sure-I-got-it-right job. You're the best.
This story does not contain any graphic content (but its sequels will); however, it does contain some mature themes. So if you're not comfortable with the topics of homosexuality and bisexuality, I wouldn't read any further. CR Nov 1999/Jan 2000
Secrets That We Keepby Cheryl Roberts
One:
Divatox and Maligore were defeated; Lerigot and his family had returned home. The Karate tournament was won, and the Little Angel's shelter was saved. The team had awesome new Powers. Rocky's back wasn't permanently injured. So why wasn't Tommy in the mood for a party?
All around him in the Youth Center, folks were celebrating their various victories. Adam and Justin were regaling Rocky with the tale of their adventure. Jason was at the counter talking with Emily, who laughed and blushed prettily at something the former Gold Ranger said. Kat and Tanya were surrounded by a throng of excited children from the shelter. Everyone was happy, except him.
Well, almost everyone.
Across the noisy room sat a young woman in an island of silence; she looked as if she were enjoying the festivities as much as he was. Rocky had drifted away from Adam and Justin and had settled down to talk to her. She smiled, but there was no warmth in her normally cheerful, welcoming grin, and her eyes were as somber as if this were a funeral. That pained Tommy more than he cared to admit. The Kimberly Hart he had fallen in love with was always so full of life and joy; to see her look so dead inside... to know that it was probably all his fault... was almost more than he could bear.
Divatox could not have devised a worse torture for him than showing him Kimberly and Jason held prisoner in her bilge. He could still feel the helpless rage smoldering within him at the thought that the two people dearest to him in all the world should suffer while in her clutches. It nearly killed him to burst into the chamber in the volcano to find them suspended over that pit... and the image of their glowing red eyes once they were under Maligore's spell would haunt his dreams for a good long while.
It had been so hard to fight them, especially Kim. He knew the dark magic had magnified the hidden angers in their souls. He and Jason had already talked through what the spell had brought out in him: resentments Jason never even realized he had harbored when he'd been replaced as team leader; leaving the team to go to the Peace Conference (although that had been his choice); the loss of the Gold Ranger Powers and the state that had left him in. As for Kimberly... they had barely exchanged a dozen words, but Tommy knew where her anger had stemmed from. And while he was grateful that Lerigot had been able to sever Maligore's twisted hold on his friends, it profoundly hurt that he hadn't been able to break through the madness and free them... that he had ultimately failed them both.
"You should go talk to her," Adam said softly, intruding upon Tommy's thoughts.
"Huh?" the Red Ranger mumbled distractedly.
"Kimberly. Go talk to her," the Green Ranger advised. The two glanced over at the seat that Rocky had vacated. "Look, I know you're still hurting over her letter. You need to talk to her. Find out what happened..."
Oh, he already knew what had gone wrong between them...
"...so you can both move on," Adam concluded.
...he just didn't know how to make things right.
***
Kimberly's eyes surveyed the noisy throng packed into the Youth Center. She wasn't exactly sure what she was doing there, except that Jason had begged her to come --and promptly abandoned her to chat with his girlfriend. Kim essayed a heartfelt smile as she watched the two together. Her long-time friend had positively gushed about his bright-eyed Emily while they were cooling their heels in Divatox's submarine. She'd never seen Jason act like that over any girl in all the time she'd known him. She wished the couple all the best.
Her heart went out to Rocky, who had gone over to bedevil Tanya and Katherine. He was just beginning to feel the withdrawal pangs from giving up his powers. Anyone who had ever held and surrendered a Power Coin experienced the same sense of loss... of incompleteness. It would fade, in time, but the pangs were easier to overcome when one had friends to provide support and understanding. Then there was his back... at least the doctors expected him to make a full recovery. He wouldn't lose his Karate on top of his Ranger career.
Her eyes continued roving over the gathering. Rocky had filled her in on all the latest goings on (Jason had been a little out of touch lately). She spied Adam wandering over to rescue Tanya from the circle of enthusiastic songsters clustered around her. Kim mused on the letter Aisha had written to say that their bashful friend had a sweetheart. During their adventure, Kim had noticed an indefinable difference in Adam; the current Yellow Ranger had been good for him. Then there was Justin, as bright as Billy, but so young. Although, Rocky had said that the youngster had had to grow up quickly when his mother had died (very much as Billy had). She just hoped Zordon knew what he was doing, allowing someone so young to be a Ranger.
Next, Kim's gaze fell on Katherine, and she was flooded with a host of conflicting emotions. The young woman from Australia was a friend... one she trusted enough to carry on in her place when she left the team to pursue gymnastics. However, the pretty blonde hadn't just replaced her as the Pink Ranger; she had replaced her as Tommy's girlfriend.
You're not being fair to Katherine and you know it! she scolded herself. And yet, she could still feel the dark fire of Maligore's taint and taste the bilious thoughts it engendered: She has everything you ever loved.... Kim gave herself a mental shake; she never wanted to feel like that ever again. It wasn't Kat's fault she had left the team. It wasn't the former diver's fault she had broken up with Tommy --that had been his doing. She remembered the black rage that had gripped her as she had stared Tommy down: He's finally learned to love another... her, but not me.... The bitter aftertaste of her descent into darkness left her feeling filthy inside.
If Tommy had finally learned to let go of his obsession, if he had found a place in his heart for another after all this time, then she was truly happy for him.
I just wish it could have been me.
The trouble was, she knew Tommy... knew him in ways that no one else --not even his parents-- did. And she was very afraid that what Tommy and Katherine shared was the same charade he had shared with her... the pretense that had weighed so heavily on her soul and forced her at last to let him go, leaving her scarred in ways she hadn't dreamed possible. No one else deserved to go through what she had; he had no right to ask that of anyone else.
Kimberly didn't even need to search the crowd for Tommy. Somehow, she always knew right where he was. She always seemed to know when he was near... and he was making his way towards her. She closed her eyes and swallowed hard, bracing herself for the inevitable confrontation. When she felt steady enough, she opened her eyes again and studied him carefully.
He was still absolutely gorgeous, though it'd take some getting used to the fall of wavy locks instead of the straight mahogany cascade she used to run her fingers through (when comforting him or when she forgot that things weren't as they seemed). He had been working out more; his shirt was tight across his chest, displaying well-developed pecs and abs to perfection. And his eyes.... She frowned as she paused her wistful inventory of her ex-boyfriend's attributes. She had always loved his eyes. Soft, warm... she could lose herself in those chocolate-colored depths so easily. She could always read Tommy's feelings in his eyes... the way his smile glistened therein when he was happy, the way they darkened and grew cold and hard when he was angry. Now those eyes were dull and lifeless. Was she the only one who could tell he wasn't as happy on the inside as he appeared to be on the outside? Could anyone else see the slight slump in his carriage or the fact that though he was tanned from the sun, his face was pale beneath it?
He looks how I feel, she mused. Like hell! Only, she had no idea why Tommy should be so miserable.
"Hey, Kim," Tommy began softly, resting a hand on the back of the empty chair directly across from her. He couldn't believe how nervous he was! He'd tried to figure out what to say to her as he made his way over --a walk that had lasted an eternity, a walk that hadn't lasted long enough.
"Hi," she replied hesitantly. She seemed just as scared as he was.
"Do you mind?" he asked, indicating the seat.
"No. Sit down. Please."
Tommy sat, folding his hands on the table in front of him. Kimberly toyed with the straw in her drink. Neither knew what to say, and both were acutely aware of the fact that there had been a time when they could --and had-- say anything to each other.
"How are you holding up?" he asked at last. But was he referring to recovering from Maligore's spell, gymnastics, or the letter? That would be for Kimberly to decide.
She recognized that he had set the onus of the conversation on her shoulders and opted for the easy way out for now.
"I'm doing all right; I'm glad to have a little break from the gym --even if I did almost become monster munchies." That elicited a small grin from the pair. "I was surprised Coach let me come home so close to the Games."
"That's right; they're in, like, two months, right?" Tommy responded, grateful for the neutral topic, while hating himself for being such a coward. "You ready?"
"As I'll ever be, but I've got two months of intensive practices ahead. I may be too pooped to compete!" She paused to sip her drink. "I know competing at this level has been a dream of mine since I was a little girl, but I'll be glad when the Games are over."
"Why's that?"
"It's lonely being there all by myself. Nearly all my friends are here... Aisha and Trini are overseas... my mom's in Paris.... I guess I'm just feeling homesick."
"It'd be great to have you back," Tommy said. "Things haven't been the same since you left."
He felt like kicking himself for being so eager, especially when he glimpsed the surprise that flashed in her eyes. Still, the words were said, and he wouldn't retract them. They were they truth. He only hoped she believed them.
"I've missed you," he added suddenly, the words pouring out; he couldn't have stopped them if he tried. He looked away quickly so she wouldn't see how startled he'd been that he'd given voice to his heart's longings.
"I've missed you, too." Kim had spoken without thinking; it was just so easy to fall back into old habits. Too easy. As quickly as she had lowered her guard, she threw it up again.
Tommy could almost feel the walls of her reserve slamming closed, shutting him out. He couldn't blame her. She had opened herself to him once, and he had caused her pain... no matter how unintentional it had been, no matter how much he regretted it. It was a risk she wasn't willing to take. His heart grew heavy with that realization. How could they possibly have a second chance if she wouldn't let him close again?
For now, though, he decided not to press her and changed the subject.
"I've got some great news," he announced and was somewhat astonished that there was no need to feign enthusiasm. He all but radiated excitement. "I haven't told anyone else yet, but Uncle John asked me if I'd like to drive for him now that I'm finished with school."
"You mean join his racing team? Tommy, that's wonderful!" Kim beamed, her joy at his announcement as genuine as his own. He had once told her that, as a boy, he used to dream of driving his uncle's racecars, and now....
"The way I figure it, I can race for a while and save up money for college and for opening my own dojo," he continued, immeasurably pleased that she approved of his decision.
Owning his own martial arts school was his ultimate dream, Kim well knew, and she was glad he wasn't giving up on it. College, she knew, was more for his parents' sensibilities than his own, but a little education never hurt. However, another thought cast a cloud over his happy revelation. "What about the Rangers? You won't be able to be the Red Ranger if you're out on the road."
"I know," he replied, his expression downcast. "I've thought about it, and I think maybe it's time I retired and moved on." He was startled when she reached out and laid a hand on his arm. Her expression conveyed her understanding at how difficult making that decision had been for him. "I figure I'll be able to stay with the team while I'm training at the track, and I'll talk to Zordon about finding a replacement."
"You haven't told him yet?"
He shook his head. "You're the first."
For a moment, the two basked in the glow of rekindled camaraderie. However, just as the two realized how good the other's presence felt, the moment passed, leaving them adrift in an awkward silence.
"So... um... I know you'll want to see your mom after the Games are over," Tommy floundered, trying to find something --anything-- to talk about to keep that fragile moment of friendship alive. "Will you come home to Angel Grove after that?"
"I... don't know," she stammered. She wanted to come back with all her heart, but what was there to come back to? "Coach is pretty sure I can get a scholarship to any university I want...."
"Why not A.G.U. then?" Tommy interjected, a little too quickly for the suggestion to be considered strictly helpful. He felt like kicking himself but plunged on nonetheless. "Jason will be starting classes in the Fall; he said that Trini was thinking about transferring to be closer to home, and I'll be going there soon, too."
"We'll see," she sighed. "There'll be plenty of time for me to decide once the Games are over." Another extended silence fell, and Kimberly stirred the ice in her glass, gearing herself up to tread waters they had both been avoiding, but she had to know.... "So, how'd Jason's homecoming go? I was surprised when Trini called to say he left the conference suddenly."
"All right, I guess," he said, her question catching him off guard. "Things happened so quickly... we really needed Jase's help. I was just glad he could come back on such short notice. I'm only sorry that losing the Gold Ranger Powers had to mess him up so much."
"I bet you were glad to see him, though."
"Sure was. It'd been so long...." He offered her a lopsided grin and a shrug.
Kim frowned, not sure what to make of his response, so she continued on to the next matter she wished to pursue. "Rocky tells me you're dating Katherine these days."
She was careful to keep her tone neutral. Tommy, however, cringed inwardly. "Yeah... what about you? Seeing anyone?"
"No time," she answered in clipped tones, warning Tommy away from the subject and letting him know that she wasn't going to be put off. This was too important. "Did you and Kat get together before or after Jason came home?"
Her pointed question rocked him even as it made him rapidly review his latest relationship. He had been skittish about dating after Kim's letter. Kat had patiently worked at opening him up again; things had been pretty casual between them for the most part. He hadn't officially asked the Pink Zeo Ranger out until....
"After," he confessed sheepishly.
Kim closed her eyes and ducked her head as if absorbing a painful blow.
"She doesn't know, does she?"
Her tone was stern, the reprimand implicit. She wasn't asking so much as she was confirming. Tommy fidgeted in his chair, unable to meet her demanding gaze.
"Does she need to know?" was her quiet follow up, and she wasn't sure she was entirely successful in masking her tumultuous emotions.
Tommy didn't answer. Did Kat need to know? Was it still an issue? He couldn't say. He had never come to any firm decisions; he hadn't even thought about it at all. He'd just hoped to ride things out and see what happened, but really, all he was doing was hiding.
Kim sighed with disappointment and a touch of exasperation. "Tommy, you can't keep doing this... to yourself... to others."
"I know," he admitted quietly.
"Do you?" she demanded, her eyes beginning to fill with tears for both his pain and hers. "You're not going to be truly happy until you make peace with yourself, and you can't do that if you're hiding behind another girlfriend!"
"Kim, I didn't mean...." he began, helpless in the face of the droplets that slipped down her cheeks. He always hated to see her cry, and it tore him apart to know that he'd brought her to tears.
"I know you didn't mean to do any of this," she said huskily, fighting to maintain her composure and failing. She didn't want to make a spectacle of herself in front of everyone. Choking back a sob, she stood up. "Tommy, please," she implored, impassioned. "If you care for Kat at all, don't do to her what you did to me!"
With that, Kimberly fled the Youth Center, and Tommy buried his head in his hands.
*
The exchange had garnered no undue attention from most of the revelers, merely those who had a vested interest in the outcome. Jason had faltered in mid-sentence when he noticed Tommy headed towards Kimberly.
"It's about time," he murmured. He sincerely hoped that the two would resolve their differences. Couldn't they see that they both still cared for each other a great deal?
"What?" Emily queried.
"Tommy and Kimberly," he answered with a nod to the table across the juice bar.
"I thought he was dating Katherine," his girlfriend pursued with a frown.
"He is, but the big doofus is also still in love with Kim... it's kind of complicated."
"Sounds like it," she agreed as she studied the duo. Tommy's back was to them, but Kim's face was visible. "She still cares a lot about him; you can see it in her eyes at times, but I don't think the conversation is going very well."
Jason was inclined to agree, and he wondered what could have gone so wrong between them that they couldn't get past it after all this time. Then he noticed a glistening diamond-like glint on Kim's cheek, followed by another as she abandoned her seat.
"Em, excuse me for a minute," he said distractedly as he hopped up from his seat. Emily hadn't answered, but he had told her how close he was to both Tommy and Kimberly. He caught up with the petite gymnast as she reached the front door. He put a restraining hand on her arm. "Kim, what's wrong? What did Tommy say?"
She turned to face him, her eyes brimming with a fresh fall of tears even as they streaked down her face.
"I can't do this anymore, Jason," she gasped. His arms automatically pulled her into a comforting hug. "I just can't. I'm so tired of hoping and fighting and loving him.... Right now, I wish I'd have burned up in Maligore's volcano!" With that, she tore herself from her long-time friend's embrace and ran off.
Jason drew in a deep breath before returning to the Youth Center proper. He noticed that the other Rangers were all looking at him --except for Tommy, who was still bent over the table. The one-time Gold Ranger's gaze came to rest on Katherine, whose sapphire blue eyes flashed angrily.
"Friend or not, if she's hurt Tommy again after everything he's been through...." the Pink Ranger hissed with protective ferocity as Jason drew nigh.
"Easy, Kat," he said gently, placing a hand on her shoulder. "Something tells me we've been viewing this whole break-up picture wrong."
"What do you mean?" she asked guardedly.
"Maybe we should be asking what Tommy did to Kim to make her break up with him," he replied.
"Tommy would never do anything to hurt Kim," Rocky insisted, not catching the cautionary look Tanya shot him. "He loved her."
"We always believed Kim would never do anything to hurt Tommy either, but she did," Adam reminded his long-time friend, mindful that all this talk of Tommy and Kimberly couldn't be easy for Kat to hear.
"All I'm saying is that there is definitely more going on than we know," Jason continued.
"Maybe you can get Tommy to talk, since he obviously didn't confide in any of us," Tanya said acidly, casting a covert glance at her best friend.
Apparently, the Yellow Ranger didn't think too highly of the way Tommy and Kat's relationship had progressed, Jason mused.
"I would have thought he'd have told you --you're his best friend," Katherine commented. Jason shrugged.
"I'll see if I can get any more out of him this time around," he said and made a beeline for Tommy's table.
*
The distraught Red Ranger had not witnessed his teammates' exchange, but he didn't need to to be aware of their eyes on him. They'd be concerned for him, but he really didn't deserve it. He knew someone would come over eventually to ask him what was wrong; however, he couldn't deal with their questions and well-meaning solicitude. Right now, he had to get away --far away. He needed to think. He needed to regroup. However, before he could push his chair back, a solid hand clamped down on his shoulder. As shudder coursed through him, and he didn't need to look up to know to whom the hand belonged.
"You know, you're lucky I know how much you care for Kim; otherwise, I'd pound you into a pulp for making her cry like that," the burly former Ranger began, and both young men knew he was only half joking. Jason had once told Tommy that he thought of Kim and Trini as sisters and had obliquely warned him he'd better not ever hurt either one of them. At the moment, Tommy wished that Jason would clean the pavement with him and put him out of his misery.
"You couldn't make me feel any worse than I already do," Tommy muttered morosely.
"You and I need to have a talk, bro."
"Not now, Jase; I really don't feel...." Tommy began, a tide of panic cresting within him. There was no way he could tell Jason the truth of the matter.
"I don't recall giving you a choice," came the stern reply.
Tommy felt like a deer trapped in the headlights; he wanted to flee but couldn't move. He tried to look away, unable to face his best friend, but Jason's inquisitive, commanding gaze held him fast. He felt the blood drain out of his cheeks.
I can't...!
You have to.
It'll drive him away... just like Kimberly.
The truth didn't drive her away; it was being used and taken for granted that broke her.
"Tommy, what's wrong. Talk to me," Jason implored urgently, interrupting Tommy's inner struggle.
He's your friend; if he can't accept this, then he isn't the friend you believe him to be. You trust him, don't you?
With my life, came the reply without a flicker of hesitation.
Then why not with this?
"All right," Tommy said at last, looking his companion squarely in the eye. Yet for all his dread, he felt a lift in his spirit, and he realized that he was tired of hiding... tired of hurting. "But not here."
"Okay," Jason agreed, very much relieved. "How about my house? It's closest."
"Sure," Tommy acquiesced.
"Don't worry, bro; whatever's wrong, we'll find a way to fix it."
"I hope so, man. God, I hope so."