Confessions by Moonlight

"Seventeen and beautiful," Sirius said with a devious grin, "This is how I always want to stay."

Remus rolled his eyes at his friend, shaking his head in a slow lazy gesture. The windows in the room were all boarded up, but that didn't stop the moonlight from finding a way in. Its silvery light pushed its way through every tiny little crack and hole it could find. The entire room was delicately lit with pale blue light.

"We all get old someday, Sirius," Remus said. He took a few steps closer to the window and looked out. The moon was about half full, but the night sky was clear and the moon was bright.

"Not me," Sirius said with a childish smirk, "I'm not ever going to grow any older than this."

Remus nodded, "You keep telling yourself that."

Sirius Black had thrown himself into a large, rotting sofa that was covered in dust. He stretched out horizontally on the old leather cushions with a deep groan. It almost sounded like a growl to Remus, and he turned away from the window so that his friend could see him roll his eyes.

"I wanna go running!" Sirius exclaimed.

Remus shook his head, "We can't."

"No," Sirius said with another of those grins, "You can't. I can."

Remus nodded, but didn't say anything to the boy. Sirius had dragged him all the way out here to talk to him, and now he was talking about going running without him. How typical. It was so like the other boy to be selfish and misleading. He had said he wanted to talk, but the truth was probably that he wanted to run, and he needed a look out.

He could have brought Prongs, but he wouldn't have wanted to stay behind. He could have asked Wormtail, but he would have said no. Remus would have said no if he had known the truth. Sirius Black had tricked him into climbing out of bed at two in the morning all so he could go on some late night run. Wasn't it enough to do it once a month?

Well, maybe it wasn't fun for them. They did have to take care of him the entire time. Maybe Sirius just wanted to run with no responsibility to hold him back. Maybe he wasn't so selfish.

Remus groaned loudly, "Fine Sirius, go ahead. I'll watch out."

Sirius laughed, "That's why I love you, Moony. You're always so understanding."

Remus sat down in an old paisley arm-chair that had been stuck in a corner. It wasn't as old as a lot of the other furniture in the shack, but it did seem to have sat for a while here. The Shrieking Shack. How haunted it had seemed to James and Peter and Sirius when they had first come. How horrified they were to know the truth. How long did it take them to accept him as a werewolf? A day? Maybe two? For Sirius it had been less than an hour.

He was always so excited to know every little thing about it. He would sit for hours and ask questions like; does it hurt when it happens, or do you remember anything from those nights. He had even asked at one point if Remus had to howl at the full moon or if he just enjoyed it. He was the first one to really perfect the animagus form, and he had spent that first full moon afterwards and refused to leave.

"I screamed at you for hours before the sun went down," Remus mumbled in his reminiscing.

Sirius looked up from his spot on the couch. He had taken off both of his boots and kicked his feet up and over one of the arms. His eyebrows pulled together, and the corners of his lips dipped a little. It was his regular pouting confused face.

He licked his lips before he spoke, "What are you talking about?"

"That first night," Remus responded, "Right after you managed to fully change, you wouldn't leave. You said you were going to do this with me."

"You cried," Sirius said. "That's why I stayed, you know? You cried because you thought you were going to kill me."

"I could have," Remus said, staring at the little pieces of dust floating through the shafts of moonlight.

Sirius chuckled, "Nah. You couldn't have. I was too fast for you."

Remus scoffed, and quickly ran a nervous hand through his sandy colored hair. His honey eyes scanned the room for anything to distract him. He didn't know why he was feeling so anxious, but it had something to do with the conversation.

"I didn't want you to be alone anymore," Sirius said with a frown. He was still laying down and staring up at the ceiling. Both of his arms were folded behind his head.

Remus turned to glare at him, "Nobody asked you to take care of me! I was perfectly fine without you!"

Sirius eyes widened, and his head turned to catch the other boy's expression, "I didn't do it to take care of you."

"What," Remus accused, "Did you pity me? Did you feel sorry for me? Poor Remus Lupin has no one who knows. Let's make him our next charity case!"

"That wasn't it," the other replied.

"You know what, Sirius? Why don't you just go for that run then?" It wasn't really a question, but more of a demand.

Remus stood quickly from his corner arm-chair and stomped off. His mind was racing along somewhere in the future, and it made it very hard to think clearly. His feet carried him up the stairs without him thinking about it. Before he knew it, he was there. That room with the dusty and tattered four-poster bed. The broken and ugly piano sitting off in the corner like a child's old plaything discarded there to collect dust until the floor gave out from under it.

This is the last place he wanted to be. It was the one thing he didn't want to come to, and yet he had managed to enter without ever knowing it was his path. It was his set course that he had to take. There was no stopping it.

He heard his footsteps behind him. He recognized that heavy plod, and knew what would come next. His voice would echo through the room any minute now. Some comforting words that he didn't want to hear. Some piece of sentimental drivel that would burn his cheeks. He was too young for this. He was too old for this.

His arms were on him suddenly. The elbows bent in the crook of his waist, and his hands cupping his heart. He could feel the rough stubble on the side of his neck and his hot breath against his ear. A shallow and chaste kiss planted right there.

"I'm not doing this right, am I?" Sirius whispered.

His voice sent a violent tickling sensation right into his eardrums. His words slithered like some kind of crushed velvet through his body.

"I love you, Moony," he said.

Remus could feel the sting of tears rising up, but he blinked them back. His arms straightened downward, and his hands tightened into fists.

"No," Remus whispered.

Sirius nodded, "It's true. The first time I told you was here. It was right here in this room, and I meant it as much then as I do now."

Remus shook his head.

"Moony, what do you want me to do?" Sirius asked softly into his ear, and those sweet tickling vibrations were back. They made his head go fuzzy with pleasure.

He shook his head again, and this time no amount of blinking could keep his tears at bay. They ran down his face one right after the other. They caught on his cheeks and slipped away to land on Padfoot's hands. They were warm and felt so safe pressed against his heart.

"Do you want me to tell them?" he asked. "I'll tell them all. I'll tell Snivellus if you want. I'll have Dumbledore announce at the end of the year."

"No, that's not it," Remus said. His voice was rough with emotion, and he couldn't seem to unlock his teeth.

"Then tell me what it is," Sirius cried. His voice was suddenly strong and demanding. It hit Remus like a slap across the face.

Sirius took his hands off of the smaller boy's heart, and spun him around. Moony's face was wet with tears. Sirius caught it in both his hands, and turned it up to his. There, in the soft beams of moonlight, Sirius stole a kiss. Such a simple thing to do, to raise someone's mouth to yours. Their lips met the way that everyone's do.

Sirius could feel that electric current. Remus had some kind of spark, and every time Sirius touched him he felt it. It was fiery and passionate. It was his life force, and Padfoot feasted on it. He survived off it.

He broke the kiss, and when he did Remus' face crumbled. He wept hard, burying his face into his best friend's shoulder. He felt the taller boy's arms wrap around him, wanting to protect him from the hurt he was feeling, but the arms only held it in. It kept the pain there to boil and stew.

He pushed away from him. He pushed away from Sirius; his best friend. He couldn't speak, and Sirius' expression seemed hopeless.

"What can I do, Moony," he begged. "What do you need me to do for you? I need to help you. I can't stand seeing you cry. What is it? Is it Lily?"

"No, Sirius," Remus shook his head. "No."

"Is it what the others will think? Do you want to keep it hidden?" he asked.

Remus opened his mouth, but choked. It was too hard to speak. It felt like something was gripping his heart and squeezing. There was a weight on his chest he couldn't get off. Anxiety was building up behind his brain.

"Remus, I need you. I love you. Please," he pleaded, stepping closer and reaching out a hand, "Tell me what it is."

His hand was so close. The distance between them was growing smaller and smaller, but it was just a physical thing. They had really never been further apart. Sirius didn't understand why. His fingertips were right there, and Remus could feel them about to brush his skin. He could feel them so near, and his heart was going to blow out of his chest.

"Sirius," he called out. His voice was strained and shallow. The tears wouldn't stop, and they slipped off of the bones in his cheeks in a constant rush. He couldn't say it. He couldn't speak.

"Please," he whined. "Please Moony, tell me."

And there it was. The final snap was right there. He felt it against face right then. That loving and comforting caress. Sirius' hand was there, pushing the tears away.

"Sirius," Remus said. His voice was breaking, his lips were trembling, and his teeth were chattering together. "I don't love you."

The silence was deafening. Sirius' hand was frozen on the side of his face, and his eyebrows were knitted so tightly together that it looked as if the skin the separated them would tear. The only sound was Moony, sobbing away as if he had just had his heart broken by someone he loved, and not the other way around.

'Please,' Remus thought, 'Please don't let him take his hand away. Please don't let him leave. I can't be in love with him, but I need him to love me.'

"You don't," Sirius said. He couldn't quite form it into a question, "Love me."

Remus shook his head, still sobbing away. He just couldn't stop himself. There was no way to, but his friend's hand was still there; hard as stone against the side of his face.

"That is a problem," Sirius said. His thumb twitched slightly against Moony's face, and that alone sent that current all the way up his arm.

Remus had gone into hiccupping spasm, and he had shut his eyes tight. He couldn't look. He couldn't see his face.

'I can't love you back,' Remus thought, 'But I need you to love me. I need you to love me. I have no one else. No one else, Sirius. I won't cry ever again, I swear. I'll do anything you want. Don't leave me to my books again. Don't leave me to my studies, and my isolation. I can't do it.'

"I won't," Remus cried. His voice shocked him. It echoed off of the bare walls falling to pieces, and it startled him. It terrified him.

"You won't," Sirius repeated.

His voice was flat, and Remus couldn't bear it anymore; he had to look. Sirius face was blank. His eyes were dull, and staring past the other boy and into the darkness. His lips were parted ever so slightly. His hand dropped away from Remus' face.

"You won't," he said again, "Love me."

"I'm so sorry, Padfoot," and now Remus was pleading.

"No," the other boy spoke in that same horrifying monotone. "I'm sorry. I should have known."

Moony's eyes grew wide, and he hadn't realized that the tears had stopped falling until they started up again. His face was a ruddy mess, but his heart was the real victim here; both of their hearts. The place where his hand had been was still burning.

Sirius spoke again, "The first time I slept with you, do you remember?"

Remus nodded, but didn't speak. He still couldn't. That weight was still there.

"You didn't feel anything, did you?" he asked.

Remus nodded, "I felt safe. I felt like I finally had someone who wasn't afraid of me."

"No!" Sirius shouted. "Like love, Moony. Like love!"

Remus opened his mouth, "I loved you as-"

"Don't!" Sirius exclaimed, cutting across his words. "Don't you dare. Please, don't say that."

Remus nodded. His hands were shaking hard at his sides, and he could smell blood from where his nails had bitten into the soft flesh of his palms. It was a tangy and coppery smell. It made his mouth water, which is something that usually disgusted him.

"Two years," Sirius said. "We've been doing this for two years, and you've just decided tonight to tell me?"

Remus was speechless. He just didn't know what to say anymore. There was nothing he could say. He had no defense or just cause. He was just selfish.

Sirius reached with a beautiful grace into his coat pocket. His bare feet here starting to turn blue, and Remus wanted so bad to take them in his hands. He wanted so much to comfort him in any way. He needed his forgiveness. He needed him.

"I wanted to talk to you about something tonight, but it doesn't look like I'm going to get to," Sirius said.

Remus shook his head, "We can talk about whatever you want, Padfoot. I promise I can still do that. We can talk about anything."

"No," he said with a shrug, "Not this. Not anymore. Still, I think it's a waste for me to keep it, and I did get it for you."

He turned his hand palm up in front of the werewolf. The vicious animal in human form. The devourer of hearts. That's what Remus was. A disgusting parasite for the human emotion. Not fit to be called human himself.

Because sitting in Sirius Black's upturned palm…

…sitting there seeming so small and insignificant and useless now…

…was a black velvet box with a silver ring inside it.