Kakashi stared at the strange landscape before him with a kind of stunned disbelief.

He had known in the back of his head that going after Obito had been a mistake. But he had been expecting capture or death by their enemies, not... being transported into some kind of strange dimension after a burst of light. He narrowed his eyes as he stared into the distance. The realization that there was no end to the horizon was nauseating.

How the hell was he going to get out of here? If he didn't find Obito before the idiot found the enemy camp and got himself killed -

"...Kakashi? What the hell are you doing here?"

Kakashi started in surprise. He whipped around to see an orange-blue figure standing a few dozen blocks away.

"Obito? How did you get here?"

"Hey, I asked you first!" The Uchiha shouted back, shaking a fist angrily.

Kakashi swallowed his angry retort. "...I'm not sure," he admitted after a moment.

"I have no idea what you just said!"

Obviously. Kakashi rolled his eyes. They must be standing at least half a kilometer away from each other, and while it must be natural for Obito, Kakashi didn't enjoy having to shout every word.

He didn't reply to Obito. Instead, Kakashi peered over the edge of the platform he stood on. There was no bottom. The gaps between platforms were fathomless chasms, as far as Kakashi could tell.

"Don't move!" He shouted back at Obito. Kakashi wouldn't be surprised if his teammate accidentally tripped and fell over the edge.

With one last look at where Obito was standing, Kakashi forced chakra into his legs and jumped, flying a full ten feet into the air before landing onto a distant platform with a thud. Without waiting more than a few seconds, Kakashi was in the air again.

Just a minute or two later, he landed onto Obito's platform, with only the slightest hitch of breath.

"I said, 'I'm not sure.'"

"Oh," Obito said after a moment. "Er. I was actually really hoping you did, because..." He smiled weakly. "I don't know either! I was just on the way to save Rin and I found footprints leading to this cave -"

"Yes. I know. I was following you there."

Obito blinked. "You - Wait, you said that you weren't going to –"

He scowled. "I know what I said."

"But then –"

"…I'm the team captain, remember? I can't let a dead last like you run off and get yourself killed." Kakashi changed the subject quickly. "…What was the last thing you saw before you ended up here?"

To his dismay, Obito grinned. "…Huh, Kakashi. I guess you really aren't that bad, after all. You were worried about - "

"Last thing you saw." Kakashi gritted his teeth.

The grin vanished from the Uchiha's face, but there was a glint in his eye that said that he wasn't forgetting that anytime soon. "Um. Okay, this is going to sound really bad, but… there was just, a huge burst of light, or something, and I closed my eyes because it was really bright-"

"…And when you opened them, you were here." He grimaced. That offered no leads whatsoever.

"You too?"

"…Yeah."

The two of them stood there for a minute, in complete silence. "I don't get it," Obito said finally. "I mean, I haven't heard of any technique like this. Is this a genjutsu or what?"

No normal shinobi could create their own dimension. In fact… as anathema as it was to Kakashi's concretely rational mindset, only some kind of god – some kind of deity, a legendary figure like the Sage of Six Paths perhaps – could have that capability.

"Most likely," he decided. "It must be high-level. We'll have to dispel it together, for any effect."

Obito nodded, and brought his hands up into a seal. "We cannot afford to waste too much chakra here," Kakashi warned. "It's likely that our enemies are waiting to ambush us."

"I know that, Kakashi!" Obito groaned. "Jeez, I don't need you to lecture me about Academy stuff!"

From Kakashi's experience, that was completely untrue. If the situation was any less dire, he would have questioned just how Obito recalled less information from his four years in the Academy than did Kakashi, who had attended for less than a year.

"On three," he said instead, and counted down the seconds.

Kakashi focused his chakra and imagined it coursing through his pathways, scourging any foreign chakra in its path. "Kai!"

A minute passed without any change in their surroundings. Then, two.

Obito groaned in dismay. "What the hell? That should have worked, right? I did the exact thing I did the last time I had to break out from one of these things… Dammit, if only I have my Sharingan! It would be easy then."

"It isn't you."

There were only two possibilities that remained – either this genjutsu was ridiculously high-ranked, or… this wasn't a genjutsu at all. There was, however, one additional way to break out of genjutsu – one that frequently proved more effective than a simple dispel –

"Obito. I need to cut you."

"W-What?" The blood drained out of Obito's face within seconds, and he stumbled back a few steps. "Kakashi… are you okay? I mean, if you're feeling like you want to, uh, murder someone, I think that might be the genjutsu –"

The jounin shook his head furiously. "I'm not going to kill you, dumbass! Pain is one of the most effective ways of breaking someone out of genjutsu, remember?"

Obito chuckled weakly. "…Oh yeah, huh…? I mean," he added, "I remember all of that now! It's completely clear in my mind now, it must have just… slipped out for a few seconds there."

He rolled his eyes. "Sure, dumbass. Now get over here."

The Uchiha backed up a little. "Hypothetically… you could cut yourself, right?"

"It shouldn't hurt more than cutting your finger in training," Kakashi pointed out. "I'm sure you would have experienced a lot of that."

"Oi, what is that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing." Kakashi sighed. "Fine, Obito. It's alright if you're scared - I'll go first. I just offered in case you couldn't muster up the courage to do it yourself." Ignoring Obito's unintelligible angry mutterings, he nonchalantly withdrew a kunai and sliced open the flesh of his thumb pad.

The two boys stared in silence as blood welled from the cut and began to drip on the ground. "Uh," Obito said slowly, "are you supposed to just… go poof, or something? I mean, you still look like you're here, just… bleeding."

"Fuck," Kakashi said emphatically. "Fuck."

"I'm guessing it didn't work?" Obito hazarded. Kakashi didn't reply.

This was bad. As he said, he was the team captain for this mission… which meant, he should be the one figuring out ideas for how to escape… well, wherever this place was. It was his job to find a way to keep his team safe – except, Rin was now in enemy clutches, while he and Obito were stuck in an extremely advanced genjutsu. Or, even worse, in a completely different subspace with no possible opportunity for escape.

Their enemy didn't even have to fight them. All they had to do was wait for them to starve.

Kakashi's hands clenched into bloodless fists. Damn it…! How had he failed this badly? His first mission as a jounin, his first opportunity to show how much he had learned from Minato-sensei over all these years… and he had gotten himself and his teammates killed.

Obito tapped him on the shoulder. "What," Kakashi bit out, barely suppressing a growl.

"Uh, Kakashi…" Obito grinned weakly. "Don't get so worked out over this, okay? We'll find a way out! I mean, between the two of us, there's the great Obito Uchiha, future Hokage! And… do they really think they'll defeat you? I mean, you're the genius here… you could beat all of them with both hands tied behind your back!"

He blinked. As overwrought as Obito's outburst was, it was genuine. With that in consideration, Kakashi couldn't bear to crush the boy's hopes. "…Hn."

"And, uh… take a bandage!"

Kakashi stared at him.

"Rin forces me to take all her extra ones. She has a lot," The Uchiha said as explanation. "Anyways, when we get our hands on those guys… you're not going to want that cut to be distracting you." Obito thrust out his hand, a single piece of bandage between his index and middle fingers.

He took it with only the slightest bit of reluctance. As he wound the piece around his thumb, Kakashi asked, not expecting any response, "Obito, any ideas?"

Obito scratched the back of his head with a single hand. "Maybe we can ask whoever brought us here to let us go?"

Kakashi put a hand to his face and contemplated the life decisions that had brought him to this moment.

"Of course, why haven't I thought of that?" He brandished his hand angrily. "That should have been the first thing we tried! Yes, please let us out of here! That'll work -"

He was interrupted by a loud sucking noise that came from several feet in front of him. Both Kakashi and Obito stared as the universe itself seemed to split apart before their eyes, revealing a rift that was positively trembling with energy.

"…I was actually just joking about that," Obito said weakly.

Kakashi wasn't sure what to say. He settled for a kind of strangled mixture of a groan and a sob.

Naruto Uzumaki glared at the figure before him. "You're going down, Madara!" He shouted, a single finger extended righteously at the Edo Tensei reincarnation before him.

The man laughed uproariously, his black sclera disappearing from view as his eyes turned into mere slits from the force of his mirth. "Boy, he choked out between chuckles, "you're outmatched in every way that matters. I have all the time I need," Madara said, gesturing to his immortal body.

"You can't win, not if you're still in that body!"

Madara lifted an eyebrow. "As soon as Obito-kun finishes up with your sensei," he said softly, "that won't be an issue any longer."

Naruto's eyes widened as he took in the information and came to the ultimate conclusion. He gritted his teeth. There was one thing about shinobi that he had never understood – and had never wanted to understand: what it would take for someone to betray a comrade. "You –"

"Did he say," his dad said u beside him, "Obito?"

"Yeah," Naruto said without thinking, "that's the name of the masked guy who was pretending to be Madara. He's an old teammate of Kakashi-sensei who turned – oh."

There was an expression on his dad's face that Naruto couldn't read.

Madara laughed again. "Oh yes, I remember now! Obito-kun used to be your student before, wasn't he? That was before his team left him behind under that rock, and… I have to thank you. Really. I couldn't have found a better pawn."

Naruto swallowed. The look in his dad's eyes had turned into something horribly familiar. "Dad," he tried, "it's not your –"

A familiar sucking noise filled the air. Naruto's eyes widened in shock – that was Kamui, the technique that both Kakashi-sensei and the masked guy – Obito – had. Then…

"Finally," Madara purred, just as a dark haired figure fell out of the swirling hole in time and space.

There wasn't enough time to think through his action, or even to bury the grief that had hit him like a train the moment he realized what it meant that Kakashi-sensei hadn't left the Kamui dimension.

"Obito!" Naruto shouted, because even if the bastard had killed his sensei… he knew how hard Kakashi-sensei had wanted to save him. "Madara's going to betray you!"

The figure pulled himself upright, and…

Naruto blinked.

A dark haired kid blinked right back, black eyes slightly obscured behind thick, orange-rimmed goggles. "Bwah?" He said unintelligibly.

"Who the heck are you?" He demanded.

The kid stared. "…Minato-sensei, are you okay? Why are you glowing?" His eyes widened in confusion. "And why are there – two of – argh!"

He question was cut off abruptly as another figure fell out of the still open gap in the space-time continuum and landed, feet first, on his back. Both kids – and they were kids, probably Konohamaru's age at the most – thudded to the ground with dual groans.

The hole closed behind them.

"…Kakashi? Obito?" His dad whispered from next to him, his eyes wide. "How –"

"What. Is. This." The look of tranquil fury on Madara's face was enough to strip off paint. Somewhere in the shinobi world, three works of priceless art had just been irreparably destroyed.

"What the fuck," said the newcomer, pushing himself to his feet and scanning his surroundings with wide eyes. "What the actual fuck." The silver hair and mask was unmistakable. Naruto blinked as he recognized a ridiculously small, incredibly angry, two-eyed version of his own beloved sensei.

"Kakashi, language!" His dad said automatically, out of what must had been a decade long habit.

"Sorry, Minato-sensei," mini-Kakashi-sensei said, just as quickly.

The dark haired kid next to him – and there was only one person he could be - stood up and narrowed his eyes as if doing some mental arithmetic. "Okay, only Minato-sensei lectures Bakashi and gets away with it. But then… what's with the midget clone?"

Naruto blinked. "Oi! Did you just call me a midget clone?"

The kid yelped. "H-Hey! Don't yell at me like that, midget clone!"

"Why, you -"

"Obito. Come to me." Madara's deep voice cut through the on goings like a steak knife through particularly melted butter. His tone made it obvious that he had reached his limit of 'Things that Did Not Go As Planned' and would personally eviscerate whoever expanded it further.

Obito – and Naruto couldn't really see any hidden craziness there, not even after squinting really hard – frowned. "Uh?" He evidently understood the precarious position he had been placed in. "…You look kinda familiar. Are you one of my uncles or something?"

"Only in the context of a great many number of 'great's, I'm afraid." Madara's voice had turned dangerously deliberate. "My name is Madara Uchiha."

"M-Madara Uchiha?" Obito squeaked. "Like the guy who founded the village?"

"Precisely."

"But that means you're supposed to be…" He squinted. "Super old."

"Over a hundred," mini-Kakashi-sensei offered. "Also, dead, by all accounts."

Obito winced. "Yeah, uh. Sorry Uchiha-sama. But you look like a zombie and you're supposed to be super old and dead so I guess you probably are one. Also, my sensei and his midget clone are –" He gestured vaguely. "- right there, and I trust him more than I trust you, even if he kinda looks like a zombie too. So. Sorry?"

There was a crack as the very earth split under Madara's feet. The pressure between the man's clenched fists could break a barometer. "I'm afraid you don't have a choice, Obito-kun," he said softly.

"Obito," said mini-Kakashi-sensei urgently, one hand already pulling his teammate by the fabric of his jacket. "We need to -"

Naruto leaped towards the two, trying to push all confusion he was feeling to the back of his mind. He had already covered half the distance by the time Madara had taken his first step forward, but it only took seconds for the man to catch up to him. He gritted his teeth. Fifty meters, twenty-five, fifteen -

"Kakashi-sensei, Obito, grab my hand!" He shouted, hoping that the meter or two difference would be enough. The two had looks of identical confusion on their faces - well, as much as Naruto could tell, in Kakashi-sensei's case - but ran toward him anyways, hands outreached -

A flash of eye-piercing bright light forced Naruto to shut his eyes, in fear of having them burn out entirely. Instead of decreasing in intensity, however, the light grew even stronger, pushing Naruto step by step away from its epicenter - where the two kids were standing.

After almost five minutes, once Naruto had involuntarily backed up a good dozen or so meters, the light disappeared abruptly, as if it had never been. He opened his eyes slowly, because he didn't really want melted eyeballs, but there was nothing out of the ordinary. Madara stood at some distance away - he probably jumped back as soon as he saw the light. And right in front of Naruto was -

The two people standing before him were much more familiar to him than the kids they had replaced.

Obito Uchiha stood, a strange expression on his face that made him look a lot less evil - which wasn't that hard, if Naruto thought about it, because he hadn't seen the guy do much else other than frown and yell and grin really evilly. But right next to him was someone with gravity-defying silver hair that Naruto found almost more familiar than the person himself.

Naruto couldn't help but grin. There wasn't much else he could do, since he had thought his sensei had been killed - again, and permanently this time - for the past few hours. "Kakashi-sensei!"

His shout seemed to shock everyone on the battlefield out of their momentarily daze.

Kakashi-sensei stared at him for a few seconds, before his eyes curved into delighted crescents. "...Naruto? Maa, I guess we are back." Next to him, Obito grimaced, looking considerably less pleased.

[A/N: Ridiculous, unrepentant crack written during a particularly sleep deprived midnight writing binge. There was a bit more to the end, but it got longer and I didn't know how to end it and I think I need to sleep.

Pretend that canon continues from here - or, if not, that Obito listened to Rin and takes the first step back on his long path of stupid decisions.]