Birthday one-shot!

Yes a very happy birthday to myself, indeed. The virtual world where I am a fangirl has made my birthday wonderful, alas, the real world where I am not hidden behind an electronic device made it a bland one. Ugh. Though let's not talk about that.

This is one of three random plot bunnies that crept into my head while writing The Alternate Roommate Paradox. I chose to write this one cause it's a bit easier or something, kidding cause I really don't know what I did with this. This is longer compared to Social Protocol, but I just kept dragging it on and on until I didnt know what was happening. And to do something different, I wrote this in Penny's POV! It's been a while since I did a first person story. You can also consider this as kind of a crack fic, cause it's all over the place.

Disclaimer: Naughty thoughts and extremely foul language. If you're under 14 an are thinking of reading this and are an innocent teenager, step back. Penny's gonna swear like a sailor. Errors and mistakes are mine, but none of the characters are. Oh they're also kind of OOC like always, but come on it's my birthday, cut me some slack!

Also I re-read this and fixed some errors, but I'm not sure if I got them all. Sorry for it appearing again!

With that said and done, let's get this party going!

I took one last glance around my apartment, my pink laptop tucked between my arm and side, before shutting the door and crossing the hall to my crazy neighbor's apartment.

I didn't have work today so I was as free as a bird.

I had originally planned on going to the mall to shop or just go to the spa and relax, but then I remembered that my car was in the shop. On the ride back from Raj's, Sheldon repeatedly complained about the check engine light, effectively putting me on the mind set of killing him. But I couldn't do that, cause no matter how much he got under my skin, he was one of my closest friends, best friend even, I did love him. Plus I promised Leonard that I'd take care of him, and my toilet bowl was too small to flush Sheldon down in it.

So instead of having a "me" day, I got the engine light fixed. Sucks how I'd do anything just to make this four months with Sheldon easier to endure.

Well with my plans ruined, I then moved on to the idea of playing Age of Conan. Sadly, Sheldon had once again, changed the WIFI password, damn him. And suddenly my urge to commit homicide was back again, and maybe stronger than ever depending on how today's events would go. I brought my hand up, knocking in the most Sheldon approved way I knew.

Knock, knock, knock, Sheldon.

Knock, knock, knock, Sheldon.

Knock, knock, knock, Sheldon.

After the third round of knocks I heard him moving towards the door. I, a brilliant actress, prepared the biggest and brightest smile I could muster up as I heard the door unlock, stepping back as Sheldon appeared. "Why hello, Penny. I'm glad that you finally have the decency to knock," he stepped back from the door, "you may come in."

I entered the apartment mentally laughing at how nothing was ever out of place in this residence. Oh, but Leonard's things were missing from his desk, seeing as he brought them on his trip. Leonard... I wondered what he was doing right now. It had only been a few days since he left but I really did miss him. We did talk whenever he could though, him saying that the first month would be the lightest since he would just be setting up, and the next few months getting busier and busier. I understood it was for the best, and now I was responsible for my boyfriend's bat crap crazy best friend slash roommate. That was another thing I wondered, if I would survive without killing him.

"So what brings you here? Don't you have some girly activity to go to now that Leonard won't be holding you back?" He asked as he peered over his shoulder as he made his way to his desk.

I moved to the brown couch, setting my laptop on the coffee table. "I would but I got my check engine light fixed and I'm too lazy to go get my car." Even with his back to me, I knew that he was smiling from the information that the infamous light was getting fixed. Sometimes, his craziness was just too cute. "And I wanted to check on ya, wanted to see if you were still breathing."

He rolled his eyes, opening a file that was placed on the far end of his table. "I hardly doubt that's true. Besides I don't think you are CPR certified, or you know how to perform mouth to mouth recitation."

I lifted the lid of my laptop, booting it up, "I'm a good kisser, so I guess that would work."

I saw Sheldon think for a moment, he was probably wondering how it was related to the matter at hand. Kissing and mouth to mouth recitation? All I know is that it required my mouth and somebody else's mouth, pretty much the same thing if you asked me. He swiveled his chair around to face me, crossing his arms around his chest, "That's hardly the same thing, Penny. So why are you here? Wait, it's either the fact that you're hungry or you've noticed that I changed the WIFI password again."

I narrowed his eyes at him, "hey can't I just drop by and spend some time with my favorite neighbor?" Sheldon didn't move, still giving me the common 'tell-me-or-you-get-a-strike' look. "Alright, maybe a little of both, but I'm not that hungry yet. I was planning on playing some Age of Conan or something- maybe HALO if you're up to it?" The physicist lifted his chin up, resuming his never ending thinking. I sighed, it would be faster to fly around the world than getting Sheldon to hangout with me. "It's not HALO night," Sheldon noticed the upset look on my face, his eyebrows quickly shooting up in distress, "but we may be able to play some Rockband or Wii Sports later. Right now I must finish going over this report I am going to submit tomorrow."

My face instantly lit up, games really werent my thing but it was better than watching reruns. "That's great! Hey while you do you science stuff, why don't you give me the WIFI password?" Sheldon frowned, turning back to his chair, "I knew that you had a ulterior motive. It's Penny when will you ever pay for your own wifi, no spaces."

"Thanks Sheldon!" I cheered as I entered the password. It was days like these that Sheldon actually seemed bearable. I mean, it's not everyday that I get free food, wifi access AND get to beat him in a whole new game. Well, maybe it is everyday minus the new game thing.

Sheldon placed his guitar down and paused the game as he heard someone approach the door. He normally didn't approve of ordering in without getting someone to fetch it, but with my car currently unavailable, he had no choice. "Penny, please get that."

I scowled as I placed the drumsticks on the proper place behind the drums, right as I finally got the hang of it did Sheldon decide to ruin my momentum. I begrudgingly stood up, grabbing the money from Sheldon's hands and scurried to the door. We had been playing for an hour now, and with all the stepping on the pedal and hitting the pads, I worked up quite the appetite.

Swinging the door open, I was met by the stereotypically cute pizza delivery guy. "Hi, pizza for Mr. Sheldon Cooper?" The man charmingly said as he held out the box of pizza, "It's Doctor Cooper!" I heard him yell out from behind me.

I took the box, smiling up at him, "thanks, you can keep the change by the way. It is on time." I mentally cheered as I watched the man chuckle, it was just flattering to know that I still had it in me. It was just light flirting, and it didn't mean that I would leave Leonard cause of this guy. He was cute, yeah, but I was a faithful girlfriend. Sometimes women just wanted to feel like men still wanted them, not that Leonard never complimented me on my looks, he did that a lot. But it felt nice to know that men other than the man that was kind of obliged to compliment you still found you hot. God, I felt old.

"Oh but if I didn't get it on time then maybe I wouldn't get the pleasure of seeing you. Plus I wouldnt be able to know if i'd ever see you again..." He smiled at me, his perfect white teeth shining enough to blind me on the spot. No, seriously, it was that white.

Smooth line, buddy, sadly I'm taken. But if I weren't, I definitely would have called you. Before I could respond, I was cut off by my wonderful neighbor, "Penny would you hurry it up?" Sheldon growled from the couch as he prepared our drinks.

"I'd love, to but I'm taken," I softly said as the guy's face fell from his former cheerful demeanor, "I'm sorry." The guy nodded, slinging the pizza bag back on his shoulder, and straightening his posture. He must have handled rejection well. "It's alright, and besides your boyfriend seems to be a very impatient man. Thank you for the tip, and call us again, ma'am!" He called before jogging down the steps.

"Wait, he isn't my... boyfriend." I said as the pizza guy disappeared from my sight. With a huff, I turned around and walled to the coffee table, placing the pizza box down. Sheldon is not and would never be my boyfriend, ever. Eww. "Don't expect change, I gave him it to him as a tip."

Sheldon glared at me as he reached for a napkin to place his pizza slice on, "Honestly, Penny, must you really philander every man that talks to you?"

My eyes snapped to his. No words could explain how offended I was right now. I may not know what the word the whackadoodle used meant but I sure knew what he was implying. He was saying that I flirted with every man who tried to talk to me. I do not! Maybe just a little, but I'm not letting him know that he's kind of right! "Excuse me, I do not flirt with every man I talk to! I was just being friendly!"

"I've been your neighbor for more than six years, Penny. I know you down to a pat, and must I say that your flirting skills are getting rusty." He said before taking a bite of his pizza. "My study also states that only three percent the men you flirt with are actually interested in you. Seeing as you already know that, it occurs to me that you do it on purpose." He glanced up at my baffled expression, "since you know that almost all of those men find you attractive. May I also add the percentage of you finding them attractive as well?"

I clenched my jaw, my eyes darting from the bane of my existence and the pizza box that smelled absolutely mouth watering. Forget what I said earlier, no words could define how PISSED I was right now. I'm taking back everything about Sheldon being bearable, he was the exact definition of horrible neighbors. The worst to be exact. Why couldn't he just be a normal person, and not delve in everything he observes? Maybe if he was then maybe we'd be enjoying their pizza in peace and then continue playing Rockband- but no, he just had to open his big, fat, annoying, talkative mouth!

"I never flirted with you," I muttered as I placed a hand on Leonard's chair, dragging it towards the other side of the coffee table. Heaven knows what I'd do if I had to sit close to Sheldon. I grabbed a slice and angrily took a bite of it, ignoring the look Sheldon was giving me.

"You did flirt with me."

I stopped chewing and raised an eyebrow at him, a look of disbelief on my face. "No, I haven't." Sheldon shook his head, probably trying to picture the exact moment that it happened. Damn his photographic memory. "You did, on October, the day we first met you. You called me a 'beautiful mind genius guy' then you ask me to, 'come sit with you."

I suddenly felt my cheeks burning up as I remembered that day, the day I first moved in. I thought that he didn't remember that, well of course he would, he remembered everything you idiot! I also thought that he didn't think that I was flirting with him, he's so socially retarded that he couldn't have noticed! "I wasn't flirting with you, I was just being nice since you guys offered me dinner."

The physicist shook his head again, "No, Howard told me you were after he asked me on how we met you. I don't like missing out on any important and questionable details when retelling events, Penny."

I felt his blue eyes piercing through me as I reached down for her soda, well I was in deep shit. Yes, I was flirting with him that day but that was cause I thought he was cute and I sorta had a crush on him, oh and he was, normal. Well he was normal, normal for Sheldons floating in some galaxy outside of the Milky Way. Maybe he was also from the planet Superman came from. No, no he isn't, then he'd be muscular and super strong, but he isn't since he threw his back out from carrying a book. Oh god, I never thought I'd have this conversation, ever! Why the hell did he have to be so crazy?

"Yeah well, that's history. So let's enjoy our dinner now shall we?"

Sheldon tapped a finger on his chin, "on the contrary, I too, believe that you are not my ideal woman."

I snorted, grabbing another slice. "Oh yeah, and what exactly is your type, Casanova?"

My crazy neighbor licked his lips, thinking once again. "If I were to find another woman, not that I would, but based on the calculations I did, I would want someone who's organized. Someone who is intelligent and knew about science. Someone who could challenge me in every way possible and could cook my mother's spaghetti. And had Meemaw and my mother's approval, of course." I smiled at the thought of his precious grandmother and his mother, two of the most important people in the world to him. I wondered if Sheldon considered Amy important in his life. Who knows, maybe he even considered me and the guys as one too.

"Sounds like you're describing Amy."

Sheldon furrowed his eyebrows, "Amy? No, she just has the trait of being slightly as intelligent as I, and possibly organizing. But she doesn't have those aspects at all. Nevertheless, my preferred woman would be most certainly not be you." He stated in such confidence that I wanted to strangle him on the spot. Sheldon deserved the award of 'the only person who can make me a murderer in a matter of seconds' yup, perfect title.

"Yeah well my perfect guy is far from you too, buddy." I growled, resisting the temptation to stab him, endless ways of killing him passing through my mind.

"I even have a list of ten reasons why you are the unsuitable woman in many men's eyes. Would you like to hear it?" He asked in a cheerful tone causing me to grit my teeth. What the hell was so pleasing about this topic, anyways? "Sheldon, no, I don't-"

"Number one, Penny is a complete, utter, slob." He stated proudly, "and you know how much I hate a disorganized person such as yourself." I rolled my eyes at the first item on his list, I just really wanted to get out and leave him but I was so hungry, and this had only been my second slice. There are eighteen!

"Number two, Penny has no decency. She pounces around as if she was in the shower taking a bath, and chooses little to no clothing." Sheldon gestured to me, making me eye the outfit I was wearing; a pink tank top and shorts. I was at home, goddammit, how was this inappropriate? I glanced at Sheldon who was scanning his list, he wore his usual outfit, a t-shirt on top of a long sleeved shirt and horrible pants. He wasn't going anywhere, so why was he dressed like that?

Oh yeah, he was always dressed like that.

"You should really cover up, Penny. It gets quite chilly in the Pasadena winter." He told me grabbing his coke. "Sheldon I've lived here for more than six years, I know the weather. And it's not even winter- it's almost summer!" I argued, pulling my shorts down a bit, I'd never tell him but it was a bit too cold in his apartment. He would never let me adjust the temperature, so I just had to deal with it. He'd probably freak out if I as so much go near the damn control.

"Number three, you are irresponsible," he said, pronouncing each vowel, "I was the one who gave that goldfish to Leonard and I cannot believe you had forgotten to feed it."

"I didn't forget to feed it!" I said in defense before looking around the room to avoid his angry stare, "I just forgot about him completely..."

"Hence, irresponsible! If you were to have children I wouldn't be surprise if they suddenly wake up in another part of California due to your negligence." I scoffed, "who even said that I wanted kids?" Sheldon shrugged, "I simply made an assumption, I never said that it would be true. Furthermore if you want to still be in a relationship with Leonard you must consider having offsprings as he desperately wants progenies." He heard me groan before taking a bite of my third slice of pizza, "like I ever said I'd agree to that."

"Don't talk with you mouth full," he reprimanded as he ignored the comment I made. If Leonard had heard that statement I made he would revert back to the days when he did nothing but sing sad, sad, sad songs and no one wanted that. It was good that he wasn't here, cause I probably just gave Sheldon a heads on up on what we would possibly fighting about in the years to come. "With a strong connection to number three, number four, Penny fell for Leonard."

I gulped at the next number. Anyone who wasn't Sheldon would see or suspect a double meaning behind this: i.e. he was mad or jealous that I was with Leonard. Not that I was bothered about it, I was with Leonard and he was with Amy, but the way he said it had something behind it that made me awfully curious about the construction of this list. To be honest, Sheldon never really was a fan of me and Leonard together...

"I never did understand how women actually fight over Leonard, for example you and Priya who had instantly disliked each other because of him. Fighting is certainly not worth it seeing as the prize is Leonard, nothing is worth doing if the prize was Leonard." I resisted the urge to giggle as Sheldon thought bitterly of his best friend. Wondering if Sheldon was jealous of the attention some women gave Leonard. But he shouldn't be, considering the fact that a good number of women had been attracted to him over the years. Raj's date, the other girl he and Raj brought home, that Ramona girl, Amy... and not to mention me at one point. Well, he is as numb as rock when it came to that kind of social activity. Which is definitely why I had been shocked at Sheldon pointing out that I was flirting with the delivery guy and him when we first met.

"Leonard has his good points," I offered, I wouldn't be a good girlfriend if I didn't stand up for him.

"I'm sure he does," he said as he checked the paper again, "ah, my personal favorite! Community college education, didn't even finish it." He turned to me, his eyes sharp as a knife, "do you know how much damage it would do to my progeny if your genes mix in with mine? There would be a high chance that my offsprings would not inherit my intelligence and get your... Nebraskan off put." Oh we're back to having kids again, haven't I said that I don't want children, at all? And why the hell would I want to have children with Sheldon? He's not exactly the best father material out there.

"You're calling my stupid aren't you?" I asked, my eyebrows furrowed as he nodded, "Not stupid per se, just pointing out that your IQ does not match up with mine. That thought alone may cause chaos on the matter that my progenies will be geniuses. The world needs a gift of intelligence for salvation, and you're just a flight risk, Penny." He grabbed a pen from somewhere then scribbled something on the paper, "although, you have broad hips and a certain corn fed vigor... That Nebraskan heritage might not be so bad after all..."

I bit my lip, not knowing if I should laugh or be more offended than I already was. I should also write a book called, Sheldon and I, or something along the lines of that. I'm sure someone out there would find our interactions funny, but not me. I'm borderline close to strangling him, stabbing him and throwing him out the window. I'd probably go with what feels right- which was all of them.

"Reason number six, Penny has no etiquette or manners, at all." I halted from chewing, "Hey I do have manners and etiquette!" I paused and watched as Sheldon wiped a piece of chewed up pizza on his forearm then grabbing alcohol and dousing it on the spot affected... and everything surrounding it. I'm probably not helping myself look better... Wait, why would I even want to prove him wrong? Not that I'm saying that he's right, but I probably shouldn't even be minding this. It's normal Sheldon, and I'm used to it. Damn him.

"I no longer have to prove that point," he said as he wiped his arm dry of the second layer of sanitizer he applied. Hmm, if that little part made him mad, what more if I spit on him, slobber all over him or maybe even lick him? OH GOD NO. What am I saying? Why. The. Fucking. Hell. Would. I. Want. To. Lick. Sheldon. To push his buttons of course... Yep, to push his buttons. I love teasing him more than shopping for shoes, but I'll never admit that to anyone. I get all fired up when I argue with him, I'm not a masochist, it's just fun. Like a little brother I never had... Yup.

"Number seven, although this may sound as though it is connected to number five, it is not and has an entirely different reason." He explained, lowering the paper to see if I was still paying attention. "Oh whoopdee-fucking-do." He turned to me, frowning, "language, Penny." He cleared his throat, "You do not have a doctorate, or are a doctor, or have a degree. I do not want-" I held my hand up, knowing what was coming next, "Yes, I know, you want someone who is your equal, blah, blah, blah. You think that if you don't have a doctorate you're not worthy of the great Doctor Cooper! And that you're embarrassed to be with someone who isn't a college graduate." I ranted off, crossing my arms as I finished my point. I really didn't understand why I was so carried away with these stupid reasons Sheldon had. Yeah, I wanted to prove him wrong, but why was I so frustrated? I'd get it if I were angry but no, I'm frustrated enough to punch something. Maybe I'm PMS-ing... yeah that must be it.

He sighed, giving me a look of disagreement. "That is not the reason why I added it. If and when we have progenies, I do not want them to look down at you." Third time talking about children, and I don't understand why he keeps bringing it up. Really, is he really that desperate to have kids with me? Ha ha ha ha... Wait did he just say that if we had children our kids would look down at me?! I narrowed my eyes at him, "what the hell is that supposed to mean? You don't want our imaginary kids to pity me cause you're all successful and crap and I'm a waitress?"

Sheldon nodded, "and an unsuccessful actress let's not leave that out. You shall forever be in my shadow bathing in my fame and success." I really can't stand this guy and his ego. I wondered what Amy or the other girls even saw about him. Well yeah sure, he had his soft points like when he drove me to the hospital and loaned me money and a bunch more things... But really how does one survive him? I should probably ask myself the same thing later. "Keep the list moving."

"Number eight, Penny is a freeloader." He gestured to me right as I took a bit of my fourth slice of pizza. Well, isn't driving him around and being his friend not enough to call it even? "I'm here cause Leonard ask me to watch over you, im not freeloading!" Damn him and damn his tendency to nag about everything! I'm sure that one of these days he'll nag about him teaching me about shit. "Even after I freely give you lessons on many topics, you still seem to want more. Such as free food, free internet." And there it is, nagging how he supposedly taught me what I know.

God, the things I want to do to him.

Wait no, let me take that back! That sounded so sexual- I meant like killing him, and shooting him and argh, whats the use? Whats done is done... Now I can't stop watching how his fingers are folding the napkin he just used and and how full his bottom lip is as he talked. Goddamit, I'm losing my mind! And all cause of that stupid sentence! Can the boys already invent that stupid time machine Sheldon kept talking about so that I can erase that part? Cause I. Can't. Stop. Thinking. Of. Him. Sexually. GAH!

"Number nine," he cleared his throat yet again, causing my mind to snap back to reality. This better be good. He narrowed his eyes at the paper then frowned, "Penny has an extremely active libido that may make my mother bathe her with holy water then slap her silly with with a bible." Crap. And that just had to be the next damn reason. I can't counter that with the way I'm thinking right now! He stared at me, "any counter arguments, Penny?" He asked as he pursed his lips... that looked so damn kissable. Extremely active libido, a hundred percent correct. Mental sigh. I'm not even supposed to think like this cause I have Leonard but come on, look at how long those fingers are- PENNY STOP IT.

I swear I can sense that Sheldon is getting weirded out by the way I just slapped myself. You're not alone, buddy.

Why am I even thinking like this? If this were another normal day we'd be bickering and crap- not me thinking about him slamming me against the door and not him listing out reasons why we wouldn't work together. AND I SHOULDN'T EVEN BE ARGUING WITH HIM WITH THE REASONS WHY I ACTUALLY AM ARGUING WITH HIM! This is insane! Why didn't I just stay in my apartment? Agh stupid, stupid, Penny! Maybe I could just walk out- oh no he's still staring at me, he's waiting for my counter argument, damn. Ugh, what did I get myself into? Shaking my head I decided to use my acting skills.

"I- I'm not sexually active. Well, not as I used to be,"

Thank god it's Sheldon Cooper I'm talking to cause if it was anyone else they'd realize that my tone was too high.

"Penny, you've slept with a total number of 34 men at this point. How are you not sexually active?" He asked in disbelief. I gave him the best glare I could muster up but it looked more like I was trying to undress him with his eyes rather than killing him. This has got to stop! I don't even know why I'm acting like this! This is all Sheldon fucking Cooper's fault! I've never been as frustrated as I am now. Holy shit.

I'm sexually frustrated. At Sheldon.

I want to scream the most blood curdling scream I can but I can't! Cause he's here! And he'll think I'm upset, and then he'll try to comfort me! It's been four freaking days Leonard left why the hell am I acting like this? Why am I suddenly attracted to his psycho in front of me? Is it because of his stupid list? Is it because each number had me thinking about him and me TOGETHER?! No worries, he ONLY has ten reasons. We're on number nine, then he'll be at ten, and I'll be done and I'll go home! Hang in there, Penelope, we'll get through this! Then once I'm home, I'll distract myself from Sheldon and I'll be back to normal. Yup, that's it, so let's just get this over with, shall we?

"Penny?" Sheldon called me, his eyebrows close to sticking to his forehead. "Are you okay? Is this bothering you in any way?" Oh so now he realizes that he's offending me. Well done Sheldon, you really deserve the best jackass award. Congratulations to you, asshole. "I'm alright, I'm just thinking about you and Amy's first date. You talked about the same thing." The whackadoodle blinked, looking like he was delighted at what I said, "I can't believe you remember that. Maybe your memory skills can kick in when I order." He smiled at me before looking at the list one last time.

Here it goes, number ten. A part of me is scared that number ten will make me want to prove him wrong more and more. But there's that positive part of me that says that once he finishes this, we'll be over and done with. That I'll be able to move on with my life as I had originally planned to. Deep breath, Penny. You're not supposed to be nervous about this. It's just another reason why you shouldn't think about Sheldon like this. Why must you make everything so dramatic, Penny? This isn't a show this is... this is real life.

"Number ten, Penny and I are complete polar opposites, like two magnets forced to be stuck together. We would not work, and now would we ever as they say, last."

He's so right we're complete total opposites, why the hell would we work? I'd probably kill him right as I agree to go out on a date with him. If wanted to kill him right now, imagine me if we were dating. We'd have to touch, he hates touching. He'd have to compliment me, Sheldon doesn't do that. He'd have to think of where to take me out on dates, he'd probably go all science-y and train-y cause that's all he knows. Though he might think about it since he thinks and does the math before doing anything. Knowing Sheldon, he'd probably think long and hard if something would work out or not.

"Opposites attract, isn't that a law in your little science?"

"Penny, I hardly doubt that science is little, but you do have a point. Maybe I made a mistake in calculating the math and listing reason number ten..." He trailed off as he stared at the paper. Wait. He really did do the math...?

Oh my fucking gosh. It just hit me.

Sheldon made this list, to tell himself that we wouldn't work. Oh my fucking gosh, he did the math about us- but WHY? Why would he even think about something as random like that it's not like he even likes me... But what if he did? Holy crap, don't tell me he likes me? No... This isn't possible, Sheldon doesn't do feelings, and even with Amy he still doesn't do feelings. This can't be right, I must be dreaming- OW! Okay so pinching myself totally doesn't prove anything. Get your head together, Penny!

"Hey, Sheldon, can I ask you a question?"

He looked up from the paper, "I don't know, can you?" He's lucky that I need answers from him or else I would have killed him. "May I ask you a question?" Sheldon nodded, not bothering to look up from the paper. Insensitive jerk. "When exactly did you make this list of yours?"

"I started the list after I cleaned your apartment. Some numbers were created throughout the years of you being my neighbor."

Oh my fucking gosh times fifty. He kept listing the reason as time went by, which means that... Oh my fucking gosh times sixty. This can't be right, it really can't, cause nothing is making sense- why am I so stirred up by this? Why the hell do I care so much about this list? Why do I care so much about proving him wrong and showing that we can- nope don't even go there, Penny. That's unsafe territory, you are both in a relationship and you'll ruin each other's friendship if you cross this line.

Don't ask him that question, Penny.

But I need to know the answer!

You'll put yourself in more danger if you do.

I need to know!

Suit yourself, don't say that I didn't warn you.

"Sheldon, um," I said as I moved over to the other side of the couch, "why did you make the list?" He turned to me, an eyebrow raised, "oh that's easy, I made it because I wanted to convince myself that you're not my ideal mate. And based in this list, sans number ten, you really aren't."

Can't say I didn't warn myself. And there it is, the answer that confirmed my theory. Sheldon would flip if he discovered that I used theory correctly. He might even change some of the numbe- no, no, no, NO! Penny, put your head together! Okay Sheldon just admitted that he, in his own Sheldon-y way, liked you from the start and only convinced himself to not like you. A lot of people have told you that they liked you and you didn't care, why they hell would Sheldon matter?

Cause he's Sheldon, and he doesn't just do things like this to anyone.

That's true, but come on, he has a girlfriend and I have a boyfriend! He also doesn't like me anymore, so why would I even try to make him change his mind about this list, not that I'm planning to, but let's just think this through.

You've always loved a good challenge, Penny. Only Sheldon can challenge you like that. Just push his buttons, see what happens.

"What would you do if I proved to you that I'm not what I am on that list?" I offered, ruining his train of thought. "Pardon?"

I shrugged, "I don't know, what if I proved that those reasons are wrong. What would you do?" Sheldon tilted his head to the side, "Are you challenging my list that is scientifically proven to be correct?" I nodded cockily, "yep. I'm saying that everything about your list is incorrect. You can check my apartment, it's squeaky clean. I'm at home, this outfit," I gestured to myself like he did earlier, "is considered as decent. I'm keeping a good eye on you and making sure that you're not dead, that's responsible in anyone's book. I may be in community college, but I'm working my way up to a degree, so cross that out too. Look at how I sit," he stared at how I sat, my back straight and my legs over the other, I looked like one of those snobby rich girls.

"This is etiquette, proper etiquette of sitting that is. I could easily get a doctorate after I graduate, so expect that soon. I paid for my food the last three days, it's just that you ordered pizza, I never said that I wasn't gonna pay." He frowned at me, "that's unfair!" I chuckled as I patted his cheek, "nothing in life is fair, sweetie. The last time I had sex was the night before Leonard, and he's been my boyfriend for over year, my so called 'promiscuity' is officially over." I watched as he glared at he word 'sex.' He always found the word informal... Maybe I should talk about it more often?

I scooted closer to him, roughly grabbing the list, crumpling it then throwing it to the other side of the room. He had photographic memory, he doesn't need a list to remember that. "And like I said, opposites attract, Sheldon. You're right, we're polar opposites, but even your little science agrees that we'd work together."

Sheldon nodded, moving back from me, "touché. I must see proof of what you had said, but there is still one thing you won't be able to remove off my list." I stood up, looking down at him as I prepared for the leave I had practiced in my mind. Hey he's not the only one who can plan things out.

"You're with Leonard." He smugly said, looking up at me as if he had already won.

Very funny, Sheldon, but you're not gonna win. I'm gonna win and crush you down to the ground. I leaned down towards him, my face a couple inches from his, "but Leonard isn't here is he?" I said in the most suggestive tone I could, of course he wouldn't realize this but with me being in this close proximity we were in, it was sure to make him uncomfortable. Seeing him lean back as quickly as possibly made me mentally cheer in victory. I stepped back, reaching down and grabbing my laptop before bolting to the other side of the coffee table.

"I'm gonna prove you wrong, Moonpie, and you're gonna wish you never made that stupid list of yours." I said before smiling at him and walling towards the door, "thanks for the game and pizza. It really did fuel up my spirit!" I bid, leaving him wide eye on the couch as I slammed the door behind me and scurried to my own apartment.

Once I was safe in my haven, I locked the door and pressed my back to it. Taking a deep breath as I went through what just happened. Sheldon gave me a list of reasons why we shouldn't be together, and now I'm trying to prove to him that all of his assumptions are wrong. Oh and holy crap, I flirted with him, again! What the hell is wrong with me? And what the hell got over me when I told him that I'm gonna prove him wrong? I'm with Leonard for christ's sake, I'm not supposed to prove to Sheldon that we can be together! Agh, this is just so confusing! I really am not in my right mind today. But I can't back down from this challenge... I'm not gonna let Sheldon win. I'm not a loser- he's the loser, I'm the winner here.

Yeah, I'm the winner. But how the hell am I gonna win when I don't even know what the challenge is? Oh crap, what the hell have I gotten myself into? Whatever this is, you Sheldon Cooper, are going down.

End scene!

Yes you're right, totally OOC, I know, but I just had to get it out of my system! And yes, it is a one shot. It might get a sequel, who knows, it depends on the response I get and if I'm really up for it. Honestly I had a different thing in mind when I wrote this and I'm a bit satisfied on how it went... though I wasn't happy with it being ending in a cliffhanger.

As much as I'd like to make this into a mult-chapter story, it would take my attention away from writing The Alternate Roommate Paradox and finishing the Baser Urge Manifestation which I still haven't finished. *facepalm* Nonetheless, I will thrive to finish the latter as the former is still fresh in my mind. I'm sorry if this one-shot doesn't seem like a one-shot and is all over the place, but I wanted to get rid of this from my hand so apologies. But like I said, it's my birthday, please me some slack?

And fun fact, the part where Penny says, 'god the things i want to do to him' is based from a tweet my friend made. While I was typing this she had tweeted 'god the things i want to do to you mark' Mark is our friend then she realized how sexual it sounded, and BAM! I was inspired!

So cheers to those who'll like this one-shot and well, to those who don't, sorry.

Happy birthday to me!