A/N: I just had to get to Natalie Rhodes in the Crazy Eyes universe. There are just way too many possibilities from this episode to ignore.

As with the rest of these, please don't read this as anything other than humor. These aren't meant to be serious takes on Castle at all; just Kate letting her inner Nikki Heat out to play.

I don't claim ownership of the characters or show, or anything that could make money from this. The first section in italics is the dialogue between Kate and Natalie from the episode.

This, as the rest, is unbeta'd, so all mistakes are mine. Enjoy!

Crazy Eyes and the Actress

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Sure." Coffee gulp.

"Is Castle gay?"

Spit-take. "I'm sorry, what? No, no."

"Then you two are an item, but you're sworn to secrecy, right?"

"No, we are not an item. Why?"

"Last night I invited him back to my place and he said something I have never heard from a man before.

"What?"

"No."

"No?"

"I don't get it! He's into you, but you're determined not to give into these feelings that you clearly have for him. So, he fantasizes about you through his writing. It's literally verbal masturbation!"

"Nikki, wha - Kate, so what does this have to do with me?"

"I am not wearing this getup for my health. You're Nikki; he's Jameson Rook. I need to sleep with him in the name of character research. Can you talk to him?"

"And say what?"

"I dunno. Give him permission or something?"

Kate fumed internally as she went through an extended routine on the dummy in the precinct's gym. Her ire swelled with every time she remembered the bimbo actress's words. The woman had real balls to question the sexuality of Richard Castle, especially to his muse. And girlfriend, she continued her internal growling. Not revealing their romantic status to the actress was a mutual decision - Castle said he wanted Natalie to see how they interacted as professional partners without the romance since Nikki and Jameson weren't involved early on in the book. Something about genuine character research or some other nonsense, she grumbled. At least he promised her twenty-four clothes-free hours in a hotel when the actress finally left.

Luckily, the whole experiment was over soon and she was going out with the bimbo for post-case drinks. Sort of a Nikki Heat sisterhood solidarity thing, was the schlock Rhodes used to justify it. Kate just went along with it because Castle thought it was a good idea, and when he put his powers to evil use, there wasn't much he couldn't get Kate to do.

That slutty, interfering, airheaded bitch! She punctuated every one of her insults with another blow to the dummy. Insulting her was bad enough, but wondering if Castle was gay out loud to the woman with more firsthand knowledge of his sexual prowess than any other, right after attempting to seduce him in the fucking precinct! was something akin to walking up to a tiger's cage, opening the door, dousing oneself with barbeque sauce, and then making faces at the enraged feline.

Ugh. A whole night with the slut. After she tried to take my man! Wait…a whole night…alone…with her…no Castle, no Lanie, no Esposito or Ryan…ohhhh this could be good…Kate's eye started twitching as she considered the possibilities.

After rolling out of bed and putting clothes on the next morning, Kate and Rick decided to stop for coffee on the way into the precinct. Standing in line at her favorite coffee shop, they were talking about where to go for dinner that evening when he heard the woman in line in front of them say something surprising to someone on her phone.

"Oh, I know!...Yeah, it's so sad…she was my favorite actress too!...no, I don't know what the studio is going to do…really?...I shop there too!...That's so freaky...drugs?...I always thought she was better than that…The police are having a press conference at 10?...You know I'll be watching….I want to know everything they do!"

The woman turned to other topics while the line slowly moved forward. Rick gave Kate a questioning stare while she tried to look anywhere other than his direction. "Ah…Kate? You wouldn't happen to know who that woman was just talking about, do you?"

She did her best to look innocent. She really did, even giving him full-on doe eyes and everything. "Not a clue, Rick. It sounds bad though. Maybe we should text Lanie to see if she was called to the scene?"

He saw right through her. "Kate…?" he asked, dragging her name out in such a way that she knew he was goading her into a confession. He must have gotten some practice on that tone with his daughter before Alexis became the world's most perfect child, she wondered idly.

Not wanting to have this conversation in public, she pantomimed zipping her lips. After the line finally moved enough that they were able to place their orders, he tried again, but Kate shushed him once more. "Not here, Castle! Wait until we're outside and at least semi-private!" she hissed.

He pursed his lips in frustration, but realized that a sensitive talk like murder should wait until they were away from potential witnesses. Once outside, he not quite dragged her to a somewhat secluded park around the corner, but before he could drag the answer out of her, she held up one finger and fished out her phone. After inputting a number, she put the device to her head. "Daniels? Beckett. You're going to read the statement I gave you, right?...Fuck the department's policy. I was on the scene this morning, I saw what happened, and I wrote the statement. You just have to read it…I don't give a rat's hairy ass, Daniels!...I helped you out when your wife got into trouble that one time with the fireman, the gerbils, and the duct tape, so you owe me! Read the damned statement!...Good…I'll be watching."

She clicked off the call and turned to Castle, who stood with arms folded and an unbelieving, wide-eyed stare as a small ball of dread started forming in his gut. "Ok, now what the hell is going on?"

Kate took a deep breath. She still felt totally justified in her actions, but her boyfriend could be a wimp when it came to her defending her rightful territory. It was actually one of the things that she loved about him; that as jaded as he could be with murder and mayhem from writing it, but he somehow maintained his childlike innocence well into adulthood. He got more than a little freaked out when she took care of a couple of his exes recently, so she wanted to make sure his panties were kept as un-bunched as possible.

"Ok, so here's the thing. The other day in the precinct," Kate started slowly since she didn't have the skill of arranging words as beautifully as he did, "she took me aside and asked if you were gay."

Timing is everything in comedy, as the saying goes, and Kate's delivery was perfect. Castle's spit-take was as good as her own when Rhodes asked her ill-advised question. "She asked what?" he sputtered.

With a small grin, Kate handed him some of the napkins they'd grabbed on their way out of the coffee shop. "Yeah, she said you turned her down when she propositioned you - something for which you're going to be very well rewarded later, I promise - so she wanted to know if that was the reason. When I told her there was no way you were gay, she wondered if we were together, but in secret. I almost spilled the beans then, but I remembered your promise for keeping 'us' quiet to her and I didn't want to lose my prize, so I didn't mention it."

He nodded, scared about the direction this was headed but powerless to turn aside. "Ok, and then?"

"Well, she wanted me to give you permission to sleep with her, so she could get the feel for what it would be like to sleep with Jameson Rook in the movie," Kate replied, her growl increasing as her answer went on.

Castle gaped. Suddenly, his incredibly vivid writer's imagination filled in all the gaps. He saw the scene in the precinct play out exactly as she described, to the point of being able to see the imaginary wheels in her head turning when the actress asked to sleep with her boyfriend, after copying Kate in all other ways right down to her wardrobe and mannerisms. He could see the moment Kate snapped. "Oh, Kate. You didn't!"

Frustrated at his attitude for her actions dealing with an interloper, Kate got defensive. "Really? That's what you're going to give me when that airhead Barbie doll tried to steal you? I saw the two of you kissing in the elevator, Rick! The only reason I let it go is because I know she kissed you and not the other way around."

In the act of forming his retort, he stopped mid-huff. She was right - Natalie did, in fact, kiss him in the elevator as some weird sort of challenge to Kate herself. "Oh dear God," he moaned as he put his head in his hands, "Ok, let's pretend I'm somehow ok with all of this. What exactly happened last night after the two of you left for drinks?"

Kate cocked her head to one side, considering how best to reply. "Why don't we go into work like normal and watch the press conference in the break room? That should answer all of your questions."

The ball of dread in his stomach was approximately the size of a beach ball now, but he allowed himself to be led to the 12th precinct.

9:57 AM.

The sight of Kate and Rick reclining on the chairs in the break room at this time of morning was unusual enough that a crowd had formed behind them. She took Rick's hand in hers and leaned over, whispering so no one else could hear. "No matter what you're about to see, remember that I love you, and nothing on Earth matters more than that."

With a gulp, he nodded.

At precisely 10 AM, the morning news cut to a live shot of the NYPD's spokesman in front of the podium.

"Good morning, members of the press. At approximately 2:30 this morning, the body of Hollywood actress Natalie Rhodes was discovered in her hotel room after another guest reported a gunshot and called 911. When responding officers broke the door down, they discovered the deceased with a single gunshot wound to her head, holding a pistol. There were numerous bruises to her head and upper body that the Medical Examiner attributed to the body's impact on the bed frame immediately postmortem. The gun was one she borrowed from the department during her recent time shadowing one of our Homicide detectives for an upcoming movie role. She was due to return last night before flying back to Los Angeles this morning. In light of the circumstances and the way she was found, the Medical Examiner on scene gave the cause of death as a drug-induced suicide. Our condolences go out to her family, friends, and fans."

Castle's eyes got wide as the floor opened up and reporters jostled to ask their questions.

"What were these circumstances?"

"Miss Rhodes was found on the hotel room floor and fully nude with large amounts of several drugs surrounding her."

"Can you confirm what drugs were in her system?"

"The lab is still analyzing the substances, but early reports back have confirmed marijuana, cocaine, crack, PCP, meth, and heroin. It's the opinion of the Medical Examiner's office that the amount and variety of drugs in her system caused enough of a break with reality to commit suicide."

"Is it known why she still had the department's gun? Why was she armed in the first place?"

"Miss Rhodes was issued a weapon to get a feel for what it was like to carry a gun on calls, but she was not issued any ammunition for both her own safety and the liability of the NYPD. At this time it is unknown where she got the bullet that killed her. We would have sent someone to get the weapon this morning anyway. The NYPD always gets back what belongs to it," came the efficient reply. Kate nodded almost imperceptibly at the final sentence.

"You said she was totally naked. Was there anything else unusual about the scene?"

That flustered the spokesman. Clearly they were about to delve into very uncomfortable waters. "Miss Rhodes was also in possession of numerous…adult pleasure toy…purchased from a shop a few blocks from her hotel. That store's surveillance footage shows a woman matching her description, but with large sunglasses and a hat pulled low over her eyes, likely to hide herself from fans or cameras, making a significant purchase in cash. She was apparently (he gulped)…still in use of…at least three of the items at the time of her death. (Snickers and suppressed chuckles echoed around the precinct break room) We checked her receipt against the items found in the room, and there are at least four items unaccounted."

Castle's eyes got even larger as he turned to look directly at Kate. Her peripheral vision assured her that no one else was looking at her, so she gave him the ghost of a wink.

As the press conference concluded with no further information divulged, the crowd in the break room dispersed slowly, various officers and detectives muttering under their voices in surprise at the events.

Castle made a show of rising to his feet and drawing Kate into a hug, ostensibly consoling her over the death of someone who they'd worked closely with over the last case. What no one else could tell was that they were having a whispered conversation.

"You dressed up like Natalie to buy sex toys?" he almost hissed.

"She dressed up like me. Stole my posture, my gestures, my phrases, and tried to steal my boyfriend! Turnabout is fair play. Plus, I used her cash to buy a few new ones for us, big boy," she shot back.

"Oh dear God. Do I even want to know?" he moaned under his breath, marveling at the new layers jealousy revealed in Kate Beckett.

She had to turn into his neck to hide the lascivious grin spreading across her face. "You'll find out soon enough. Let's just say I may get to fulfill your wish from our first meeting."

He gulped, covering the sound in a shushing noise as he stroked her hair, pretending to comfort a woman who in reality caused the spectacular death they just heard described.

"She tried to take you from me, Rick," Kate whispered in a voice full of sincerity, "and you know I would never allow that to happen. She didn't listen to me when I tried to steer her away from you, so I had to take matters into my own hands."

When it was down to just themselves, Ryan, and Esposito left in the break room, Javier voiced what everyone was thinking but none were brave enough to say.

"Well, I guess she went out with a bang."

A/N: Well, that takes care of everything from the canon episodes through Season 4. There are a couple from Season 5 I have yet to get to, but I need the DVDs before they can happen.

Hope you liked this! Reviews are always appreciated!