I'm back.

I started a new t umblr account (username: spinylumpsuckers). If you guys know any good blogs to follow, please tell me!

DISCLAIMER: I OWN NOT SERIES OLYMPIANS AND PERCY JACKSON DOES RICK, RIORDAN.

"Live from Long Island, New York, welcome back to the first annual Demigod Pageant! Sponsored by Amazon dot com, now offering free shipping to all demigods for any purchase exceeding 500 drachmas and with an overall weight of under 225 pounds.

Here are your hosts - Will Solace and Travis Stoll!"

The cheers in the Camp Half-Blood amphitheater reached deafening levels as the two dapper young men lumbered onstage. Obviously enjoying the attention, the two demigods smiled dazzlingly in front of the closed stage curtains. They waved and winked for a good two minutes, causing overwhelmed nymphs to swoon from their boyish charm.

Travis caught a hyacinth thrown by an audience member, chuckling into his microphone. "Wow, if I hadn't known any better, I would've thought y'all haven't seen us in months!"

Smiling, Will shrugged. "That commercial break was really long."

"DOWN WITH CORPORATIONS AND CONSUMERISM!" a spectator yelled.

Will held a hand up defensively. "Hey, don't get your chiton in a twist. For your information, the Demigod Pageant is Olympus-run."

Travis beamed. "Meaning, this whole show does nothing for the U.S. economy!"

"I'M THE PAGEANT'S FINANCIAL MANAGER AND I CAN ATTEST TO THAT!" a half-blood in the audience proudly piped.

"Thank you... random Athena kid." Will turned to the camera right in front of him. "Now it is time to begin the Evening Wear competition. Audience, may I present to you... The contestants of the first annual Demigod Pageant!"

The amphitheater lights dimmed dramatically and a majestic soundtrack started playing. Mystical smoke rose from the floor of the stage, radiating a shimmery, periwinkle glow. Suddenly, there was a bang and a line of silhouettes appeared, posing from behind the stage curtains. In the most extraordinarily epic fashion, the curtains pulled away, revealing the contestants posing in elegant attire.

Spectators stood from their seats, clapping and whooping wildly as the contestants began circling the stage in their evening wear. Looking more glamorous than ever, the demigods strode around in the finest gowns and suits. Each participant wore a typical pageant sash reading out their cabin and its corresponding god or goddess. After circling the stage twice, the competitors strolled off the stage, out of sight.

"Representing Cabin Twenty, here is Jenny ("My name's not Jenny!"), daughter of Hecate!" Travis announced.

The child of Hecate strolled onstage in a dark-purple, high-collared, Gothic Victorian dress of velvet and lace. Atop her head was a matching wide-brimmed hat plumed with wisps of Greek fire.

Reading directly from a cue card, Travis said, "Jenny is a 'Potterhead' and a distinguished member of the International Society of Certified Magicians. She enjoys inventing creative decapitation spells, collecting severed rodent heads for potions, and performing weekly magic shows for terminally ill children at her local hospital."

The audience clapped and murmured approvingly amongst themselves. She voluntarily brings joy to young cancer patients? What a nice girl.

"Next up from Cabin Nineteen, it's Lottie, daughter of Tyche!" Travis exclaimed.

Lottie sashayed her way across the stage in a glittery, strapless gown made of pure gold. An intricate mural crown rested on her enviable honey-blonde hair, which gleamed like a brand-new drachma.

"Lottie is an esteemed coin collector and self-employed businesswoman. In her hometown Las Vegas, she runs a betting establishment called Fortune's Daughter. Lottie plans to expand her business all across the United States so that, ahem, 'everyone will get the chance to win some or lose some'."

Smiling awkwardly, Will looked up from his cue card. "We would like to inform you that the personalized statements in this portion of the pageant were submitted by the contestants themselves. What you hear while the contestants cross the stage does not necessarily reflect upon the opinions of the hosts or pageant organizers."

"The statements do undergo a moderation and editing process done by several members of the Aphrodite cabin," Travis added. "Make of that what you will."

With those pieces of information in their minds, viewers began focusing on the personal statements rather than the contestants' outfits. Soon, the commentary became the highlight of the competition.

There were several instances when it was terribly obvious that the statements were modified by the Cabin Ten moderators.

"Vicky, short for Victoria, is one of the top female long-distance runners in her state," Will read, "Also, she's got, like, really strong eyebrow game. Like Cara Delevingne, Lily Collins strong."

Travis frowned. "What does that even mean?" he asked while Vicky, now an eyebrowless rock, rolled away in an oversized ballgown.

Halfway through the Evening Wear competition, the hosts decided to omit any phrases that were definitely Cabin Ten-esque at first glance.

"Eternally almost sixteen, Thalia is the current Lieutenant of the Hunters of Artemis. She loves thunderstorms, hunting and anything by Green Day or Linkin Park. She's gotta tone down the eyeliner, though."

Thalia, pretending to act delighted in a sleek, long black dress, subtly smacked the back of Travis's head.

"Hey! It's not me; it's the cue card!" the son of Hermes protested. The pageant cut to a short commercial break. After that, there were no more quips about eyebrows or eyeliner during the rest of the evening.

Some of the statements were downright weird.

"Briar Rose's favourite things to do include napping, thinking about napping, and taking long, romantic sleep-walks by the beach."

"Nyssa aspires to be like the characters her favourite actress Michelle Rodriguez plays - tough, independent, action women. Though she could do without the always-getting-killed-off part."

"Someday, Connor would like to pull off the Ultimate Prank, with a capital U and P. This prank will be colossal, gargantuan, enormous, Brobdingnagian and all those other big words about bigness. Its impact on society will be linger for centuries to come - perhaps even millenia - and will alter the standards of pranking, inspiring the mischievous young demigods and automatons of tomorrow. But he can't tell you the prank right now 'cause that'll ruin the surprise."

Every now and then, statements included cheesy inspirational clichés that every pageant was bound to have.

"Like his mother Iris, Roy is a vegan and a proud supporter of LGBTQ rights. His number one wish... is world peace."

"If Katie, quote unquote, 'lives long enough', she would like to, again quote unquote, 'become the next David Attenborough of the botany world.' Through televised documentaries, she hopes to someday educate the children of America for they are the future."

"Wow, I am really not getting these references," Travis commented, "Are those people celebrities or something?"

Katie, dressed in a backless gown of green silk, rolled her eyes.

There were a few gems that induced "awws" from the audience.

"Pollux dreams of owning his own vineyard one day, a lifelong dream that he shared with his late twin brother Castor."

"Tyson is the general of the underseas army's Twenty-Second Regiment, also known as Poseidon's Cyclops Army. He likes peanut butter, hippocampi and tinkering. He doesn't like sphinxes, bullies and, er, Canadians. In the future, Tyson would like to start a campaign battling homelessness among mythical youth in big cities."

However, the clear majority of the statements were quite boastful.

"Nico shares a world record with his sister Bianca for The Longest Documented Stay At The Lotus Hotel And Casino. His other accomplishments include achieving a Grandmaster status in Mythomagic and being possibly the youngest person to visit all seven continents alone."

"Drew is the cheerleading captain and unarguably the most popular student of the Brooklyn Academy of the Gifted. She has modeled for several magazines and retail chains such as Hollister, Aeropostale and Seventeen Magazine. One day, Drew would like to become a Victoria's Secret Angel, or grace the cover of Vogue Magazine, or both."

"You may have seen Calli Rae before on shows like The X Factor, America's Got Talent, The Voice..."

"At sixteen years old, Annabeth is the youngest ever Chief Architect of Olympus. She has designed buildings for many immortal VIPs, such as Zeus, Apollo..."

Looking breathtaking in a violet gossamer gown, Annabeth had to walk around the stage twice before the list ended. Once she entered the green room, she stumbled into Percy and kicked off her stiletto heels.

"Gods," she groaned, "Remind me to never wear anything higher than six inches ever again."

There was only one time when the contestant completely outshone the personal statement.

"From Cabin Five, here is Clarisse, daughter of Ares!"

Jaws dropped everywhere when Clarisse entered the stage. She was utterly unrecognizable in a floor-length satin crimson gown with a plunging neckline that showcased her voluptuous figure, which was usually hidden underneath baggy shirts or layers of armour. Her dirty-blonde hair cascaded down her shoulders in soft waves, stylishly concealing one eye à la Jessica Rabbit.

Meanwhile, members of the crew gawked at the numerous screens mounted around the backstage area.

Jake Mason let out a low, appreciative whistle.

"I can't believe it," Jake said to Malcolm the backstage manager, "Clarisse is a total babe."

Malcolm made a face. "I never thought I'd ever hear the words 'Clarisse' and 'babe' in the same sentence."

Back onstage, Will Solace managed to regain his composure while Travis gaped in disbelief.

The son of Apollo cleared his throat. "Clarisse is known for her successful quest to retrieve the Golden Fleece as well as her solo, armourless slaying of the Drakon during the Titan War. She enjoys impaling monsters with her electric spear and chilling with her, um, 'hot' boyfriend."

Travis, now over his initial shock, smiled awkwardly. "Remember - not necessarily our opinion."

Once the last contestant gave one last Cyclops wink to the crowd and left the stage, Travis clapped his hands together. "And that concludes the Evening Wear competition! Everyone, give it up for our contestants!"

Viewers everywhere applauded from their seats, shouting words of encouragement to their favourite contestants.

"Nico should definitely win!"*

"TYSON!"**

"NYSSA! RAINBOWS ARE THE BEST!"***

Will laughed good-naturedly. "Coming up right after the break, our judges are going to grill our contestants with the toughest questions from Olympus in the final contest of the pageant, the Interview competition! Stay tuned!"

From user reviews:

*Avengingdemigods

**iRead-iShip-iFangirl

***Periwinkle. Roses

Keep those Audience Choice votes coming! May I remind you that your votes do not necessarily determine the winner of the pageant. However, if you provide explanations on why a certain contestant should win... Well you MIGHT just influence my judgment ;)

If you have any questions for the contestants, please tell me in the reviews! I'd love to hear any questions, whether they're silly, completely random, philosophical, or addressing issues relevant to today.

-Spec