unbeta'd.

Shingeki no Pizza Hut

Chapter One

To Pizza, in 2,000 Years: The Fall of Pizza Hut, Part One

Eren Jaeger had always known that his true destiny lay with pizza. From a young age, he had been fascinated by it's golden crust, it's tangy cheese and it's overwhelming aroma. His friend Armin's parents had owned a small pizza delivery service, and Eren spent a lot of time with Armin, so he practically grew up around pizza. It wasn't, however, until the day that the Arlert's sold their small business to Pizza Hut that Eren truly knew what he was going to do with his life.

He was going to become a pizza delivery boy.

The town he lived in wasn't very big, and so it wasn't unnatural to have small dreams. No one really aspired to do anything great with their lives. Of course, part of that was down to living in the rather poor Maria district of the city of Wallsworth. Maria was known for it's people's bad conduct, for vicious gangs in threatening leather jackets, for dark alleyways and crime. Lots of crime. Fortunately for Eren he lived in the not-so-dank, not-so-dark part of the town. He wasn't quite lucky enough to live in the nice, presentable area, where Armin lived, but at least he didn't live right on the edge, where Mikasa had before what his father liked to call "the Incident".

Mikasa lived with him now. She often acted like she knew exactly what Eren was thinking, and that irritated him, partly because she was often right, partly because who gave her the right to assume she knew what he was thinking? She ganged up against him with his mother, and Eren frequently found himself getting into trouble for things he was fine to do before.

A stick jolted him from his thoughts. "Hey!" he said, dazed, turning to face the dark haired girl who had thrown it at him. "What was that for?"

"You were thinking about working for Pizza Hut again, weren't you?" Mikasa's voice was, as ever, dull and lifeless. Her eyes, funnily enough, were also somewhat dull and lifeless.

Eren sighed, and leant back. The pair of them had been sat in a park, not too far from their home. Some young children were running around on the rundown equipment, and trying to find fun in the rusted old swing and dirty slides. "What's it to you if I was?"

"It's stupid," Mikasa told him, crouching down to his level. "Especially with that new place... Colossal Pizza."

The name had Eren bolt upright once again. His fists clenched, and he spat, through gritted teeth, "Don't you say that again. Don't you ever imply that that... that place will ever be more popular than pizza hut!"

Mikasa didn't seem to read his anger very well, and just turned her head way.

Colossal Pizza was a business Eren loathed. He didn't know when it'd cropped up, but since then everyone had been talking about it. It was cheaper than Pizza Hut, and supposedly nicer than Pizza Hut, though he himself had never fallen in to that mindset. It's specialty was some horrid disgusting thing called "Titan on Stuffed Crust", although Eren had always thought that "some kind of meat on badly baked bread with a tiny bit of cheese in it" was a more fitting name.

Angered by the very thought of Colossal Pizza, Eren rose. "Come on, Mikasa," he began, his voice low. "We should get going now."

She nodded and made a small "hmm" of approval, but Eren had already left. She matched his stride with ease, catching up to him within seconds, and the pair walked in silence. A few members of the RC, one of Maria's most useless gangs, drove past on their motorcycles and hit an old lady while she was hanging out her washing. Her fake arm fell off. She swore at them for a while, shaking her one real fist and vowing that they would regret crossing her.

Such sights were not abnormal in this part of the Maria district. A lot of people thought about moving up in social circles, and maybe making enough money to move into the Rose district of Wallsworth, but the people in Maria lacked both aspiration and talent. That is, everyone but Eren Jaeger did. He knew that, with a little hard work and effort, he could become the greatest pizza delivery boy in the entire world. All he had to do was wait until next year, when he was old enough to begin an apprenticeship there.

The Jaeger house was not very big. It was barely large enough to house it's four inhabitants, but, since Eren's father was often away on business, it wasn't too small or cramped or even that crowded. The house had two floors and a basement. The basement was off-limits. The first floor was practically just a giant dining room. There was a sofa in one corner, and some bookshelves dotted around the room, but the majority of its space was taken by a plain wooden table. What space wasn't taken by the table was taken by various cupboards and counters. This was the kitchen side of the room, and consequently, the reason that Eren opened his front door to warm cooking smells.

"We're back!" he called.

From where she stood over the sink, presumably peeling potatoes, or some other similar vegetable, Eren's mother answered, "Dinner'll be ready in a bit. Did you two have fun?"

Mikasa made a small "hmfph" to show that they did, and Eren plonked himself down in his favourite chair at the head of the table. Settling for the closest chair to that, Mikasa studied him intently. Her gaze made Eren extremely uncomfortable, and he looked away, instead focusing on the back of his mother's head. "What's for dinner?" he asked. "It smells great."

His mother chuckled. "Nothing special. Just some stew. But, tomorrow your father's wages come in, so we'll get take away. Anything in particular the two of you fancy?"

"Pizza." The word was out of Eren's mouth before he could even give it a moment's consideration.

"Ah, good choice," his mother placed down her peeler and washed her hands."Someone was telling me just today Colossal Pizza's added some delightful new-"

"Eren wants it from Pizza Hut." Mikasa's voice was empty, yet harsh, as she cut the woman off.

Her entire body tensed. "That's not true, is it?"

"No. It's true. I want pizza from Pizza Hut," Eren stated.

Within seconds his mother was upon him, gripping his shoulders. "But Eren, what about Colossal Pizza's two-for-one deals on Wednesdays?! Not only is their pizza more affordable, it's also nicer- !"

Eren had jumped from his seat. "How dare you say that?! How could you?! My own mother! And yet, you'd betray me to Colossal Pizza," he spat out the name, "with hardly a second thought!"

"It's cheaper, Eren." His mother was in tears. "It's cheaper and it tastes better. Enough of this Pizza Hut nonsense." She stroked his face, as she had done when he was a child who had fallen and needed comforting. "Please."

"No!" he shrieked. "Pizza Hut is much better than Colossal Pizza and if you can't see that, then what is the point in you being my mother?!"

"Eren, shut up, I can hear you yelling from outside," said his father, opening the front door, finally home from a long day at work. "Carla, what is the meaning- ?"

"Your son thinks Pizza Hut is better than Colossal Pizza!" his wife yelled in response, her face still lined with tears. Mikasa remained in her seat, staring at the table and wondering whether she should regret starting this argument.

"I know it's better!" Eren screamed. "I'm going to work for Pizza Hut one day mother, mark my words!"

His mother let out an inhuman screech. "Eren, please, don't waste your life on a failing business like that-"

Her desperate gaze met that of her son. His expression was wrought with anger, his lips curled, his eyebrows drawn, and his eyes lost, consumed by rage. "If you honestly think that Colossal Pizza is better than Pizza Hut," he snarled, "then you're dead to me."

With that, he pivoted on his heel and pushed past his confused father, and kicked the door open. It closed with a slam after he left. The house fell silent but for his mother's ugly wailing. His father looked up and met Mikasa's gaze, before asking, "Were they honestly arguing about pizza?" She nodded, and Dr. Jaeger (whose degree had probably come from an online university) scratched the back of his head. "Mikasa, will you go find Eren for me?"

Rising from her seat, Mikasa nodded once more, and then she was gone. Dr Jaeger sighed as he wrapped his arms around his sobbing wife's shoulder. Stroking her back, he said only, "Who the fuck gets into an argument this intense about pizza?"

...

Whack. Slam. Thump. The soft sound of a small person colliding with a brick wall. The sharp breaths of a person who's trying not to cry. The ugly laughter of people who find it fun to hit others. There were three of them; three tall, stout boys, dressed in clothes that are too big and in need of a good wash. Their fists, thick and meaty, colliding with the face of a boy who, albeit around the same age of them, was at least two or three heads smaller than them. And why werethey hitting him? Simple. They hit him because he was foolish enough to choose Pizza Hut over Colossal Pizza.

After his parent's sold up, Armin Arlert's grandfather, who had traveled the world learning the great secrets of pizza, stayed in the business, and was eventually promoted to manager of the Maria district's Pizza Hut. His parents left Wallsworth to complete his grandfather's quest to reach spiritual pizza enlightenment, and Armin himself stayed behind with his grandfather, helping out with Pizza Hut and helping fuel his friend Eren's dreams of becoming a pizza delivery boy. Unfortunately, this made him very unpopular with people who weren't Eren.

"Give up, pizza boy!" the loudest of his attackers cried. "We all know Colossal Pizza is better than Pizza Hut!"

Armin considered fighting back for a moment, but it was clear that he wouldn't even get his fist close to his assailant's face, so he fell back on his default plan. If there were two things Armin Arlert was good at, it was making plans and bullshitting his way out of situations he didn't want to be in. His plan this time was to bullshit his way out. "If you know Colossal Pizza is better than Pizza Hut," he began, his voice shrill and panicked, which was bad, because shrill, desperate and panicked was definitely not the dynamic he was going for, "then why do you constantly feel the need to beat me up to validate Colossal Pizza's superiority?"

The boy's glanced at each other confused.

Armin continued; "If anything, it makes it look like Pizza Hut is better, and you have to hit me to belittle both myself and the business my grandfather runs. You choose to pick on me because you are intimidated by Pizza Hut and the threat it poses to Colossal Pizza."

"Uh, actually," one of the boys cut in, "we pick on you because you're easy to hurt and you cry a lot."

"No," Armin shook his head. "It's because you feel you have to-"

"Look man, could you just shut up so we can hit you some more?" the final boy interjected. "Like, I really don't give two shits about pizza, I just think it's funny when you cry."

Damn, Armin thought, my bullshitting isn't getting me anywhere. I'm gonna have to step up my game.

"Oh, I get it now," Armin stated, his voice becoming more confident and less wobbly with every word. "You beat me to make yourselves feel better about the fact you're all pathetic idiots with tiny dicks."

The silence that followed was astounding. Or at least, it would have been, if Armin had actually summoned the courage to say that. What he actually said was, "Please don't hit me again!"

All three of the boys smiled. This was the kid they liked to pick on.

It was at that moment that an angry cry of, "HEY! ASSHOLES!" came echoing down the alley. The three turned to see, surprise surprise, Eren Jaeger, running towards them at full speed.

"Urgh," came the groan of the boy who had been about to hit Armin. "What's that idiot doing?"

"Probably gonna try and save pizza boy again."

"He knows he's just gonna get his ass handed to him, right? There are three of us and one of him, plus he's a major pussy."

"No..." The boy closest to Eren fell silent. "He's got... He's got Mikasa with him."

"Shit!" The leader of this trio, the one who administered the punches, lowered his fist and settled on pushing Armin into the wall. "We'll be back, pizza boy!" he yelled, before turning on his heels and running off down the alley.

It took a while for Eren and Mikasa to actually reach Armin, and during the entire time, he wished he had said that comment about the size of their dicks. Next time, Armin, he promised himself, next time.

"Armin, you okay?" Eren asked, extending an arm towards his small blonde friend. "You could have been in real trouble if I didn't show up and scare those scumbags away."

"Uh," Armin looked away from Eren's hand, getting up on his own. "Actually, it was Mikasa they were running from."

"Don't be stupid!" Eren laughed. "Mikasa isn't even here! I left her at home with my father and my mother's corpse!"

Armin didn't know what to be more confused about; the fact Mikasa was clearly stood next to Eren, or the fact Eren's mother was dead, and he was laughing about it.

"Eren," Mikasa said, quietly, "your father sent me after you. Don't pretend you didn't know I was here." Eren groaned. Mikasa continued with, "And don't say things like that about your mother."

"Wait..." Armin stood on two shaky legs. "I'm confused. Is your mother dead or not?"

"She's dead to me," Eren growled, clenching his fists. At Armin's confused expression, Mikasa sighed.

"Come on," she stated. "We'll go sit by the river; that calms Eren down."

"But I still don't understand!"

Armin began to fear he would never get an explanation, but he followed the two regardless. He had been on his way to visit the pair after all. Why else would he risk leaving the nicer part of Maria, where he was lucky enough to live? When he did, the boys from school found him, and they hit him and damn there was mud all over his clothes, how was he going to explain this to his grandfather?

The river wasn't particularly crowded that day, presumably because the weather was somewhat average. It was sunny, yes, but not warm. There was a brisk chill to the air. Most people were dressed similarly to Mikasa, with light cardigans and scarves. Armin was included in that group, wearing a thin cardigan over his shirt. Honestly, Eren thought, it wasn't hard to tell why people picked on his friend. He himself was wearing a snazzy jacket. He was the definition of swag.

"Why were they picking on you today, Armin?" Mikasa asked. Eren snorted, because it was obvious.

"Same as usual," Armin mumbled. "They wanted... It was just the usual stuff about Colossal Pizza being better than Pizza Hut."

Eren turned to stare at him, his eyes huge orbs of anger. Armin cursed inwardly because he'd missed the opportunity to say his assailants had tiny dicks for the second time that day. "What?!" Eren cried. "That's why they were hitting you?! I thought it was because of your cardigan!"

"What about my cardigan-?" Armin began nervously, but his question was cut off by Eren jumping up and kicking stones into the river.

"Oh man!" he yelled. "I am so angry! What gives them the right to say one pizza business is better than another?! Especially when the business is as lame as Colossal Pizza! Colossal Pizza will never be better than Pizza Hut!"

Mikasa rolled her eyes, and explained to Armin that Eren had practically disowned his own mother because she preferred Colossal Pizza to Pizza Hut. Armin kicked a few stray stones and mumbled, "Oh." He kept his gaze fixed on the floor.

"Armin, is something wrong?" Eren asked, after he had kicked enough stones.

His friend scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. "I thought you knew."

"Knew what?" Eren asked, sitting beside him.

Armin fixed his watery blue gaze on Eren, and barely managed to get the words out. "Eren, Colossal Pizza has taken away practically all of our customers. We're going out of business."

"What?" Eren shook his head. He didn't- no, he couldn't believe what his friend was telling him. "No..."

"Eren, I didn't want to be the one to tell you this but," Armin gulped, licked his dry lips, and blinked. He inhaled deeply, then exhaled. "They're tearing Pizza Hut down."

Author's Note: AU created by tumblr user yaoizowie
I don't know how long this fic will be but I'm hoping considerably long. In case you can't tell, this entire thing is meant to parody the first episode of the snk anime. I don't really know where I was going with it but it was fun to write and hopefully it will be fun to read.
I don't know when the next chapter will be up but even if everyone hates this fic I'm going to carry on updating it because I think it's hilarious.