Holy crap you guys.

You guys I just uploaded a story.

Its been YEARS.

I have missed you all.

This is the semi-sequel to Fangirls of Awesomeness, which was the semi-sequel to Fangirls of Doom. Its short, cracky, and doesn't make much sense. There's plot holes and goofiness galore here. But I AM BACK.

I actually had this half-written for AGES and finally forced myself to finish it. Hope its worth reading!

Ratchet was unamused.

Not just because he was walking to their destination when he could be driving, or even that the destination was the Decepticon base of operations.

It was that he, out of all the Autobots, had to carry the infernal metallic feline. And Ravage seemed intent on clawing his face off before the trip was over.

"Why couldn't we just leave it where we found it?" the medic asked, exasperated. A metal paw scratched his face dangerously close to his right optic. "Or at least throw it in Ironhide's cab? I can barely hold on to the slagging thing!"

"What's the matter, Ratch, can't handle a cute little kitty?" Jazz taunted.

"It is our duty to return him to Soundwave. I'm sure he is very worried," Optimus replied heroically, ignoring the saboteur's comment. Sometimes it was best to pretend Jazz didn't exist.

Prime looked back at his CMO, struggling to keep a grip on the small, growling Decepticon. "If you are truly having that much trouble with carrying Ravage, I will take over."

He reached out and gathered the metal feline in his arms, who instantly stopped struggling and snuggled into the larger Autobot's chassis, purring in contentment.

Ratchet's optics narrowed. He was definitely unamused.

Twelve minutes, fourteen seconds, and thirty-nine milliseconds later (not that Ratchet was keeping track), the Autobots reached the secret location of the Decepticon base. Though "secret" might not have been the word the medic would have chosen, considering the large metal sign with the words "Decepticon Secret Base" above a rather large, conspicuous door, even for Cybertronian standards. Megatron truly didn't understand the concept of subtlety. "No wonder those fangirls found this place so easily..."

Optimus knocked at the door. A few moments later, Barricade's voice came over the intercom, heavy with amusement. "...This is the most pathetic tactic to invade our base that I've ever seen, Optimus. You should really leave battle planning to Prowl."

Undeterred, the Prime replied, "We found Ravage wandering around. He seemed lost, so we thought we'd bring him back home."

"Ravage? Hm, I'll go get Soundwave and ask if he's been missing. One moment."

Elevator music played out of the speakers while he went in search of the Communications Officer.

"Well, it turns out Soundwave hasn't seen Ravage for a few days. He said to let you in," Barricade announced a few minutes later, pressing a button. The outside doors opened with a creak. "Go down the hallway and into the third door on your left. Soundwave will be waiting for you there."

Optimus began entering the awaiting corridor, only to be roughly pulled back by Ironhide. Ravage growled at the sudden jolt and glared at the Weapons Specialist. Luckily for him, he was just barely out of reach from the metal feline's claws.

"What do you think you're doing?" the black mech asked angrily.

"I'm bringing Ravage in to Soundwave," Optimus replied, nonplussed. "Is there a problem?"

"It could be a trap! Didn't Prowl teach you anything?!" Ironhide hissed.

"Aw, Prowlie was paranoid about everything. I turn off my audio processors when he goes on his personal safety rants," Jazz interjected, leaping forward into the building. "Onward!"

And without further ado, Optimus, Bumblebee, Sideswipe, Mirage, and Wheeljack marched into their enemy's base.

Ratchet looked over at the stuttering, aghast Ironhide, then to the line of Autobots waltzing into the Decepticon base without a care in the world, and sighed before dragging the Weapons Specialist in with him. Today was going to be a long day.

"Soundwave?" Optimus asked, peeking his helm around the corner of the door Barricade had directed them to. Surprisingly enough, Ratchet thought, the Autobots didn't encounter anything suspicious while walking down the corridor. That, of course, made Ironhide extremely suspicious. Said mech was constantly looking over his shoulder and twitching at the slightest movement.

The Decepticon security officer spun his chair away from the myriad of security video screens to face the Prime. "Optimus," he said with surprise. Or, what the Autobots thought was surprise. It was always so hard to tell with that monotone voice of his. "What are you doing here?"

"Didn't you see us coming down the hallway?" Sideswipe asked, raising an optic ridge.

"Or Barricade tell you we were on our way?" Mirage asked with similar skepticism.

"Weren't you the one who TOLD Barricade to let us in?!" Jazz queried.

"He was probably playing Pong again and wasn't paying attention to Barricade at all," Ratchet mused aloud.

"Curious thing, attention," Wheeljack began. "I've been looking into-"

But before he could finish his sentence, a loud bang somewhere further into the base distracted the scientist. "Oh, an explosion! I simply must go see what's going on!" And with that, Wheeljack took off in search of the source of the commotion.

"Wheeljack, what do you think you're doing?!" Ironhide yelled after him.

"For science!" was the only response he got, echoing down the hallway.

"We found Ravage," Optimus continued, not bothering to go after his scientist. Nothing, save for Ratchet when he got into one of his moods, could pull him away from an explosion.

The small Decepticon jumped from the Prime's arms and started weaving around his master's legs, purring happily.

"Ravage," Soundwave exclaimed joyfully (again, it was hard to tell), reaching down to scratch the feline's head. "I have not seen him since Starscream left the door open four days ago."

"Typical Starscream, always the one who screws up," Jazz muttered, rolling his optics.

Right on cue, the Dorito-shaped Decepticon (because really, that's what he looks like), appeared in the doorway. "Oh, good, you found Ravage," he said to Soundwave. "See, I told you there was nothing to…what are they doing here?" he hissed, finally noticing the Autobots.

"Fixing your mistakes," Mirage replied.

"As usual," Sideswipe added.

"Starscream, be sure to give the Autobots a tour of our base," Soundwave ordered, lifting Ravage to his lap.

"WHAT?" the fighter jet exclaimed, aghast. "Are you serious? This is the ENEMY! They shouldn't even be here!"

"I never joke," Soundwave replied, "Now give the tour before I tell Lord Megatron who destroyed his favorite painting."

"That wasn't me! You saw the security tapes!"

"Who would Lord Megatron believe, you or me?"

Realizing he wasn't getting out of this, and mentally noting to never get on Soundwave's bad side again, Starscream gave in. "If you would all kindly follow me," he spat to the Autobots, "we will begin our grand tour."

The Decepticon security officer couldn't help but laugh as the Autobots followed the Dorito out.

"Soundwave superior, Starscream inferior."

"And down this hallway is our engineering department," the Decepticon tour leader grumbled. "This is where we develop our superior weapons and technology. Shockwave's lab is just ahead."

Barging in the large door that clearly said "KEEP OUT," the group all shuffled in to the large room.

And Ratchet instantly knew what made the explosion they heard earlier.

The fangirls had found them again.

And Shockwave looked utterly confused (once more, Ratchet couldn't tell for sure because he had a giant eye for a face- seriously, how did he even talk?) as to how the frag the appeared in the middle of his lab.

Starscream, remembering his first encounter with fangirls, instantly transformed and took off through the roof. No fragging way he was going to stick around for this again.

Bumblebee was carried off milliseconds later, to Primus knows where, by his fangirls.

Wheeljack was in the corner, excitedly describing his favorite explosions to his swarm of fangirls, who were eagerly hanging on his every word. No doubt they'd demand a demonstration soon. Better here than in the Autobot base, though.

Seconds later, fangirls swarmed the rest of the new arrivals. "Optimus, get back!" Ironhide shouted, reaching back to protect his leader. "Optimus?"

The flamed mech was nowhere to be seen.

"Where's Optimus?!" the weapons specialist demanded, optics wide and searching the area.

"Can't keep charge of the largest mech in our group? Some bodyguard you are," Jazz quipped before turning to his fangirls. "'Sup guys! How's it crackin'? Wanna go do something awesome?!"

"YEAH!"

And off the saboteur went, followed by his group of fangirls.

"We'll help you find Optimus!" Ironhide's fangirls shouted up to him.

Desperate for the help, since Optimus was prone to getting himself into situations of Doom, the black mech took them up on the offer. "Alright! This way, soldiers!" he ordered, marching out of the room.

Ratchet looked over to Mirage, who was awkwardly standing in the center of a group of…fanboys? They were all looking up at the red Autobot in awe, whispering to each other in reverent tones.

"You are one of the best vehicles we have ever seen," one of them spoke up, eyes wide with amazement. "Simply perfect."

Hearing this, Mirage puffed himself up and struck a pose. "Great. Just what he needs: an even bigger ego," Ratchet thought.

"I bet Sideswipe could beat him in a race!" one of the silver mech's fangirls challenged.

"Yeah, he's damn good!" another added.

"You're on!"

"No way! Mirage is better!"

And so the two groups cleared out, looking for a perfect racing hallway.

That left only Ratchet and Shockwave with their respective fangirls. The latter seemed to grow more and more frustrated as his cannon blasts were making no progress in clearing the fangirls from his laboratory. With a rare show of pity, as Ratchet himself went through the same problem, the medic stepped forward to help.

"Listen up, all of you! Decepticon fangirls: I want this place sparkling clean! Not a single speck of dust on the floor! How is Shockwave supposed to work like this? You're his fangirls, you're supposed to help him! Autobot fangirls, my medbay is in need of a thorough cleaning as well – Jazz and Sideswipe have trashed the place from being in there several times a week."

Ratchet's fangirls gave him a salute and set off for the Autobot secret base, proud to have a mission from their idol, and to get to climb all over his medbay again. Shockwave's fangirls stood motionless, looking towards the large purple mech for guidance. The Autobot CMO nudged him with his elbow. "Say something! They'll do anything if you ask."

"Um…yes. Clean the lab," he ordered awkwardly. His fangirls instantly set to work, clearing up the giant mess. "And I want this place operational in under an hour! I have experiments to run!" he added with more confidence.

Problem solved," Ratchet said, nodding to the Decepticon scientist.

"It is…highly illogical for an Autobot to help a Decepticon," Shockwave replied, regarding the medic with confusion.

"I'll take that as a thank you. Now if you'll excuse me, I should probably find Optimus before he gets into trouble. Primus knows Ironhide's throwing a fit right now."

Having made a wrong turn, Optimus suddenly found himself separated from the rest of his team. Instead of trying to find them again, he simply went on his merry way. It wasn't his job to find everybody. He leads. They follow. It wasn't his fault they lost him. They should really pay more attention to their leader. The red and blue mech made a mental note to bring this up at the next work meeting.

A few minutes later Optimus came across a very large, glass-domed room filled with trees, which struck him as odd since his sensors indicated he was still within the Decepticon base. The flamed mech's confusion was furthered by Megatron's presence in said room. He awkwardly waved at his brother when the silver mech noticed him and approached.

Optimus decided to state the obvious. It was best not to mince his words around his brother. "Megatron, why do you have a forest in your base?"

"It's not a forest!" the mech hissed back at him. "It's an arboretum!"

"…why do you have an arboretum?" Optimus again asked the Decepticon leader, incredulous.

"I…have Starscream run experiments on the trees," the silver mech replied defensively.

The Autobot looked at him doubtfully.

"And I like to reenact the triumphant forest battle we had over the boy."

Optimus crossed his arms and raised an optic ridge at him.

"And sometimes I like to relax and enjoy nature!" he added begrudgingly. "Stop judging me!"

"I wasn't!" the Prime lied quickly.

"Just because I'm a Decepticon doesn't mean I can't enjoy the simpler things in life," Megatron growled. "Why does everyone think evil doesn't appreciate beauty?"

"Ironhide, we found him!" the fangirls shouted from the doorway. "Optimus is in the forest!"

"It's an arboretum," Optimus corrected them.

Not waiting for the doorway to be cleared, Ironhide burst through the wall, cannons primed and ready to fire.

"Optimus, look out! Megatron is here!"

The Autobot leader facepalmed. "I know, Ironhide. I'm looking right at him. Put your cannons away!"

"But he's going to try to kill you! That's what he does in forests!"

"IT'S AN ARBORETUM! HOW HARD IS THAT TO UNDERSTAND?" Megatron shouted angrily. "Seriously, Optimus, you should really hire more intelligent underlings."

His fangirls nodded in agreement.

"Wait a second…what are they doing here again?! STARSCREAM!" the pointy silver mech yelled. He'd pay for this, even if it wasn't his fault. Everything was Starscream's fault in Megatron's mind.

Optimus tried to sneak out the door with his fangirls in tow, knowing he'd be the next one to be blamed. Unfortunately the silver Decepticon noticed.

"They followed you here!" Megatron accused, pointing a claw at his brother. "This is all your fault!"

"Is not!" Optimus defended. "They already knew where your base was, it was only a matter of time before they returned! It is simply a coincidence that they're here at the same time!"

"For Decepticon fangirls, maybe, but what about the Autobot fleshlings? Shouldn't they be at your own base?" the silver mech countered.

"Um..."

Luckily for the Autobot leader, Jazz appeared as if on cue and distracted them both from the impending argument. The saboteur came running down the hallway, wearing fake cat ears attached to his helm and a rainbow cape around his neck. As he ran past, the two commanders heard him sing-chanting the same word over and over.

"Nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan nyan!"

Megatron watched the Autobot spy and his similarly dressed fangirls disappear around the corner. "What's wrong with that mech?" he queried, dumbfounded.

"I ask myself the same question every day," Optimus answered, rubbing his nasal ridge. He commed Ratchet.

/Jazz seems to have some sort of...problem./

The CMO snorted in laughter before replying. /You mean more than usual?/

/I think he's been watching popular human videos again./

Optimus could hear the medic facepalm. /Who's he impersonating this time? It better not be Harry Potter again./ Primus knows they didn't want another international incident.

/No,/ the Prime replied, searching the internet for an answer. /This time it's an entity called... "Nyan Cat."/

A short pause ensued while Ratchet looked up exactly what "Nyan Cat" was. /You've gotta be kidding me./

/I wish I was./

Ratchet let out another long-suffering sigh. /I'll be right there. Try not to let him do anything unusually stupid./

When Ratchet arrived only a few minutes later, he was met with pure chaos.

"This is why I never go anywhere with you mechs," he grumbled to himself, looking for Optimus so he could scold the leader. What part of "not letting Jazz do anything unusually stupid" did he not understand?

Because there was no doubt it was Jazz who started all of this.

The medic crossed his arms and watched the scene unfold, scowling at the mess he'd inevitably have to clean up. From what he could gather, Jazz tried to fly like Nyan Cat, epically failed and landed on Ironhide, who immediately started shooting at anything and everything because he thought he was under attack, which caused Sideswipe to swerve wildly and crash into the Decepticon Arboretum (they have an arboretum?!), and get himself stuck in a tree. All of this triggered an episode in Optimus, making him think he was back in Chicago. The Autobot Leader suddenly became Pit-bent on viciously tearing through anything that got in his way. Just as Ratchet was finally making progress with him too. He did not get paid enough for this.

And that was just the Autobots. The Decepticons, "as always", Ratchet thought, made everything worse. Starscream's fangirls found him and dragged him back to the base, much to Megatron's and his fangirls' amusement. Plus Bots vs. Cons skirmishes between the two factions were sparking up all over the place. And everyone in this base had fangirls/boys. The nameless Optimus-Prime-Fodder mechs from the Chicago invasion had fangirls. Even Shockwave's Driller had fangirls. What the frag.

Barricade casually strolled in behind Ratchet, his fangirls suspiciously missing.

"How'd you get rid of yours this time?" the CMO asked, without turning around.

"Told 'em I wanted a full scale sculpture of myself done entirely out of blueberries," he replied smugly, standing next to the medic.

Ratchet raised an optic ridge at the mech. "Blueberries?"

"Figured it'd take them longer to figure out how to do it."

"But eventually you will have a full size sculpture of yourself made out of fruit. Fangirls are dedicated."

"I'll find a way to make it useful." Barricade added, "What about yours? I don't see any fleshlings swarming around you."

"I sent them back to my medbay to do a thorough cleaning."

"Oh. That's boring. You should've had them make a fruit sculpture of you too! We could've had battles and everything!"

"I'd much rather have something useful done instead of wasting time, effort, and organic food on an idiotic quest."

"But it would be fun!"

Ratchet scoffed at him before returning his attention to the situation at hand. In the short time his conversation with Barricade had taken place, the entire situation had worsened exponentially.

Barricade too surveyed the chaos of mechs and humans flying (sometimes literally) about the now relatively-destroyed base. "How're you gonna handle this one, Doc?" he asked, raising an optic ridge at Ratchet.

The CMO was silent for a moment before he uncrossed his arms and walked straight into the eye of the storm, pulling his favorite wrench out of subspace. Without looking back, he replied, "As the humans would say it, 'Like a Boss.'"

And he disappeared into the madness.

For once, the cocky Decepticon was rendered speechless for a moment before uttering one word.

"...Damn."

Back at the Autobot base, Ratchet was cleaning his medical tools and organizing his medbay in peace. After putting Jazz back together, and reconnecting Ironhide's cannons after his forced sedation, pulling Sideswipe out of that tree, spending seventeen hours trying to find where the fangirls hid Bumblebee, peeling Mirage and his giant ego away from his fanboys, stopping Wheeljack from blowing himself up, and having to calm Optimus down using techniques typically found effective for small children and pets, the CMO was intensely enjoying his quiet time. That is, until Jazz shuffle-danced his way in, wearing an oversized pair of sunglasses and a bowtie while his speakers were blasting a strange, apparently South Korean song. The medic's optics narrowed as the silver mech struck a rather peculiar pose and pointed at him.

"Heeeeeeey, Sexy Lady!"

The saboteur ducked just in time as a wrench whizzed past his helm.

BONUS MINI SCENE

"Isn't anyone going to get that?" Ratchet yelled from his medbay. The doorbell had been going off incessantly for the last five minutes.

"Yeah, you are," Sideswipe replied lazily from down the hallway.

The medic scowled in the silver mech's general direction, knowing his excuse of "recovering from the physical and psychological damage" of last week's encounter was complete and utter slag.

Grumbling to himself, Ratchet stomped over to the main door and wrenched it open.

"What do you-" he started, before noticing what it was in front of him.

It was a full scale replica of himself, made entirely out of pineapples.

And Real Ratchet could hear Barricade giggling from behind Pineapple Ratchet.

"Hi. I'm Ratchet, and I hate fruit and fun and I wish everything would die so I could live in peace!" the Decepticon police car snorted out before falling over in laughter.

"I hope you die a horrific, excruciatingly painful death," the CMO replied flatly before slamming the door shut.

...So there you have it! The first bit of Clumsy Peg Writing that's been published in years. Maybe I'll finally get back into the swing of things and start publishing more frequently. We can only hope!