A/N: Random thought/Plot Bunny while reading one of the many Troll Scenes in the Hobbit fics on AO3...

How To Treat A Lady

Briar Baggins had thought that this quest would be worth the uncomfortable trip. That the outcome would make up for the horrible sleeping arrangements, the distinct lack of good food, and the horrible attitude of the King of Brooding otherwise known as Thorin Oakensheild.

It was even worth being saddle-sore and having to ride a pony. Mostly because she found definite amusement in the fact that everyone in the company, including their Wizard, Gandalf, all thought she was a male. It was a prank that would beat out all of her Took cousins pranks, that was for sure, if she could somehow manage to keep it up all the way to Erebor. If not, than she would have to try and keep them from finding out in some horribly embarrassing way.

It did have it's downsides, however. Like Fílí and Kílí being comfortable enough with the thought of her being male, to send her into the camp of three hungry Mountain Trolls, to save the four Company ponies that had been stolen for their meal. Thank goodness she had her mother's pocketknife in her boot! She was not at all comfortable with the idea of trying to steal the youngest Troll's (Tom, was it? Strange name, that...) sword...

Unfortunately, she hadn't accounted for what she would do after stealing back their ponies, nor had she accounted for the rest of the Company to charge in to "rescue" her... Or to be threatened with dismemberment if they didn't immediately surrender.

Now, here they all were, half of the Company trussed up in sacks like particularly rambunctious potatoes, and the rest tied to a stick to be slow roasted. She huffed and struggled a bit, carefully scooting away from Thorin and his poisonous glares, and getting the attentions of Tom Huggins. Immediately, he scooped up her bag by the bottom, making her squeak and struggle, eyes wide.

"Wot abou' this'un, then?" He whined, voice nazily from his cold, to his older brothers, who were slowly turning the stick over the fires.

"Wot abou' it?" Burt, the second-oldest and most belligerent of the three from what Briar had discovered, grunted, scowling at her.

"Can I eat it?!" Tom demanded, hopefully lifting Briar into the air and licking his lips. "It's not tha' big! It won't ruin my dinner or nothin', Bill! Please?" The eldest of the brothers huffed in annoyance, wiping his hands on his dirty and faintly blood-smeared apron, before turning considering eyes on Briar, who gave him a huge, pleading look. He frowned after a moment, and then his beading, greenish-yellow eyes widened.

"PU' 'ER DOWN RIGH' NOW, THOMAS HUGGINS!" He bellowed, lunging forward to catch Briar as Tom immediately obeyed, more out of shock than anything, and then proceeded to laugh as Bill smacked him harshly upside the back of the head. "Mam would 'ave our 'eads, treatin' a proper lady like food! Shame on you, and the res' o' us as well!" He expertly used his filleting knife to cut Briar free, so she was sitting neatly in the palm of his huge, deep gray hand, eyes huge with confused relief. "Terribly sorry 'bout tha', Miss!" Bill apologized anxiously, sending a glare to his still whining younger brother, and another to the scowling form of Burt. "Our Mam taugh' us bett'r'en tha'. Da would've skinned us, too, knowin' 'im," he added, which shut Tom right up. Briar coughed delicately into her hand, a little flustered and relieved like never before for being born female.

"Ah, that, um, that's quite alright, Master Huggins," Briar said, ignoring the disbelieving and horrified looks on the Companies faces as she fixed her mussed clothes. Bill bushed a dark purplish gray and scratched his bald head.

"Ah, none o' tha', now, Miss," he told her, smiling with his gray, tombstone-shaped teeth. "William's fine, or Bill. Tha's wot ev'ry'ne else calls me, a'least." He shrugged uncertainly, and Burt finally gave an irritated snarl at having to turn the Dwarrows himself, lifting the stick from the fire and setting it aside.

"Mayhaps you could talk ta 'er later, Bill," Burt growled at him. "When we've no Dwarves ta cook a'fore dawn comes?! I've naught eaten yet, and neither 'as Tom, or you, I migh' add!" Bill sent his younger brothers a stern look, though sheepishness edged it.

"Ah, aye, Burt, but..." He glanced to the sky, and hesitated, calculating what time he had left.

"Perhaps we could come to an arrangement?" Briar offered; the Huggins Brothers looked at her, Tom and Burt moving slightly closer. "You see, I'm on my way to the Kingdom of Erebor on a request of a dear friend of my departed mother, and the Dwarrows you plan to eat are my guards and companions, due to the highly dangerous nature of our travels," she informed them earnestly, eyes as big and innocent and sincere as she could make them when staring up into the broad, mismatched faces of the Trolls. "As a lady, and such a small one as well, I'm in constant danger of being attacked or worse, and with all the Orcs and Goblins in the Misty Mountains taht would look at me and think to do such awful things, I really do need them all," she told them sorrowfully, playing up to them with her delicate looks and tiny stature, made even worse by the large, round forms of the Trolls. The three of them made sounds of equal distress and indignation, Burt cursing about the disgusting Goblins and Orcs that had often stolen their food.

"Perhaps, if you'd be so kind as to release them, we could spare a pony in exchange, or," she quickly added after a sudden moment of inspiration, "or, the three of you could accompany us through the mountains!" The four of them ignored the shouts and curses of the Dwarrows easily enough, as the Trolls were used to sounds like that from meals, and Briar had more important things to worry about than indignation and denile from the fools who had gotten themselves into this mess, anyways. "I mean, the three of you are fine, strapping young Trolls, already so much bigger and stronger than any Orc or Goblin, I bet you could kill scores of them without even tiring, unlike my Company! And this way I would feel most safe at night, and have someone to talk to when I can't sleep, and the Company would guard me in the day! What do you think, boys? Will you help me?" She asked, unashamedly turning the large, watery puppy-eyes her father and mother had both bemoaned when she was younger, and a skill she had kept thus far in her adulthood. Bill and Tom immediately caved, though Burt took several moments on indecision, before grunting an affirmative. The three Trolls left for their trellwarren, as the sun was getting dangerously high, and told Briar they would see her the next night, and not to worry, they'd be on their best behavior if the Dwarrows were. As soon as they disappeared, Gandalf appeared, smiling at Briar and chuckling.

"Just like your Mother," he told her affectionately. "Making the strangest of friends at the oddest of times, my dear!" He chuckled again, even as Briar gave him an exasperated look while the two of them began to untie the angry Dwarrows.

"Like Wizards who are always late?" she said sarcastically; Gandalf scoffed.

"Wizards are never late, Briar Baggins! We always appear just when we're meant to, and that is all!" Briar huffed and rolled her eyes, before turning to face her Company with a resigned sigh.

So much for her prank, but she supposed it was for the best, really.

Though Thorin trying to demand she be sent home 'to tend her flowers and cleaning like a proper woman' got him a vicious smack across the face and a knee to the groin, which she was allowed to do, now that they wouldn't complain about it if she had been a lad.

It felt very good, as well, even if her knee and palm both ached later as she lay in her bedroll near Gandalf, for the few hours the Company would rest that morning.

They had an adventure to continue, after all, with three new members that would bolster their night-watches much better.

A/N: Will probably continue, maybe, idek yet, muses, you know?

W/E, Review~!