Ok so it's 330 in the morning and I'm up having all of the Rookie Blue feelings, and I can't sleep, so I literally just wrote this within the last hour and I'm sure it sucks and I don't know, don't judge too harshly. I just couldn't let 4x05 go without this being addressed.

Andy realizes that she's really bordering on pathetic-teenage-girl point right now, and she hates herself for even thinking this but: she could have died today and her colleague of four years didn't even shoot her a second glance. Ok, so this colleague just so happens to be her ex, and okay, their current situation is a little awkward, but really? It hurts, and she wishes that she could just brush it off, pretend it's fine. She wishes that it didn't bother her, but it does. Just because they aren't on the best terms, doesn't mean he can just rewrite their entire history, pretend that they never mattered to one another.

Andy didn't know how to explain these feelings to Traci without feeling selfish, so when Traci asked if Andy wanted a ride home, she had passed it up, saying she would grab a ride from Nick. But Nick and Gail disappeared quickly (and Gail did not look very happy so Andy was not about to get in the middle of whatever that was) as did Dov and even Chloe.

She supposes that maybe the walk home will do her some good, even if it is raining.

She steps outside and frowns-okay so maybe raining is an understatement. It was more like, uh, torrential downpour. But, it's fine. She survived possible exposure to anthrax today, so, what's a little rain gonna do?

And if she lets a couple of tears fall during the walk home, who's gonna know? It's raining pretty hard. These tears could easily just be the result of standing in the rain.

Andy tries to put herself in Sam's shoes. Tries to understand his point of view. How he could literally stroll right past her and to Marlo (and since when does Sam even do the whole PDA thing, really?) But she can't understand it. She can't.

That's when a blaring horn pulls her from her thoughts, and she squints into the street to see an all too familiar truck stalling before her. Sam rolls down the window and she can't help but remember a similar situation just a couple of years ago. ('Want to try being normal together?')

"Are you crazy?" he calls out. "Get in."

Andy refuses to make eye contact with him. Refuses to look weak. She hopes he can't tell she's been crying. "I'm okay, I need to walk," she says roughly.

"Andy, you're going to get sick, get in," he says, sounding more annoyed than concerned, and Andy scoffs. Yeah, anthrax: no big deal, but heaven forbid she catches a cold.

"Sam," she all but whines, begging him to leave.

"Dammit McNally," he growls out. She finally looks up at him and rolls her eyes. She wants to keep walking. Want to walk until she can't remember why she's so sad. But its cold and she's shivering and his truck has seat warmers so does she really have a choice? She gets in the car, slamming the door shut. "You don't have to take your anger out on my truck," he mutters and Andy turns to look at him, fighting every insult that his words inspired.

She sighs and looks out the window, resting her head on the door. She turns on her seat warmer and hopes that Sam doesn't try to make small talk. But then something catches her eye and she can't keep her mouth shut.

"What the hell is this?" she asks, the words flying out of her mouth before she can stop it. She reaches forward and pulls on the air freshener that was clipped to his vent. She held out the offensive object and examined it as if it was some sort of foreign object.

"It's air freshener, McNally," he says, clearly not trying to hide his irritation with her outburst.

Andy nods slowly, cutting her eyes to Sam, who's eyes were on the road. She lets out a quiet 'hmmmm' before putting it back. She clears her throat. "Where did you get it?" she asks casually.

"Uh, Marlo put it in here," he says cautiously, as if the mere mention of her name would send Andy into some downward spiral, and like, yeah she's upset, but come on. She's not going to enter into a depression because she put air freshener in his car.

It's totally fine. Even though when she and Sam were dating, they went to Walgreens and she put this exact air freshener in the cart, only to have him toss it back on the shelf, claiming that 'he doesn't need this girly shit.'

Yep. It's fine.

"Ah," she says calmly, trying to find some inner strength. Just something to keep her calm for a little longer. Only ten more minutes until they'd be at her apartment.

"Something on your mind, McNally?" he asks after a beat.

She turns off the seat warmer because she's suddenly really warm and she doesn't know if it's because he has the heat running or because she's so angry, but she honestly wishes she were back out in the cold rain. "I'm fine, by the way," she bursts, a little louder than she'd intended.

"What?" he asks, slowing to a stop at a red light. She looks at him to find him looking at her and she can't read his expression, and that bothers her.

But some things never change and maybe she'll never really be able to read him and maybe that's why he's better with miss emotional distance.

The light turns green and he continues to drive. She listens to the rain beat down on the top of his truck as she tries to regain her composure. She doesn't want to do this. She wants to be as cold and stoic as him.

"I could have died today and I know that you like to pretend like our past means nothing and maybe it doesn't to you but you know we dated for a year and you were my partner long before that so just a simple 'you holding up okay?' would have sufficed," she blurts out and rolls her eyes at her inability to hold it in, but damn, it felt good to vent.

"Andy, I-"

"I know you're with Marlo, and I can even respect that, okay? Really. I spent the whole day with her and I get it, okay, she's great. She's smart and calm and well, apparently, perfect for you, and I'm okay with that, I mean, I can be okay with that, eventually. But you walked right past me, Sam. I could understand you going to talk to Marlo first, I can. But to completely ignore me, walk out of the building. It's just, it's so inconsiderate and so unlike the man I've known for four years. I know you tend to compartmentalize, but..." She trails off and all but thanks God that she isn't crying right now. "I would have even settled for a look, you know, just something to let me know you're glad I'm okay, that you were worried."

"Andy," he pauses and she wonders if that's all he has to say for himself. She shakes her head and lets out a cold laugh, because that's all she can do. All she can do is laugh at the conversation she has found herself in.

"I can't," he finally says, and he just barely croaks it out. She refuses to look at him because she can feel his eyes on her but she raises an eyebrow to let him know she's listening. "I was concerned, Andy, of course I was. I was more than concerned. But, I knew you were okay. You know I care," he says, and the way he's speaking, so hushed, it puts her on edge.

"No, I don't know you care, Sam. How would I know?"

He pulls into the parking lot of her apartment complex and puts his truck in park. "I walked Marlo to the locker room. And I was waiting outside, and I watched you. I watched you hug Traci and I watched as you and Nick and Oliver all laughed like idiots about something that probably wasn't all that funny to begin with. I knew you were okay," he says. "That doesn't mean that I was okay with leaving without talking to you, but it was enough for me, okay?"

"Not really," she answers honestly. "It's not really okay."

It's quiet for a long moment, and Andy watches the raindrops racing down the windshield, fiddling with the seatbelt, trying to focus on anything but the feeling of dread in the pit of her stomach.

"I can't go backwards, Andy. I can't take you in my arms whenever you're put in harms way. I can't pretend that things haven't changed. I can't be the person you need me to be, and it wouldn't be fair to you if I pretended that I was," he says, and she can hear sincerity and pain in his voice.

She finally looks over at him and she kind of wishes she could look away because his face, that look. "You don't have to pretend anything, Sam. You know, next time, you can be the decent man I know you are and just... I don't know, check in with me. You don't need to hug me, don't even need to make any physical contact..." she trails off because she feels like she rambling.

"Next time?" he finally asks and she feels the smallest of smiles playing on her lips.

"Yes, next time I get covered in anthrax laced heroin with your girlfriend, please show more concern," she says sarcastically and laughs lightly.

"Andy," he says quietly, and his hand finds its way to her cheek. She leans into his touch just slightly, and it feels so familiar but so foreign all at once. "I'm really glad you're okay," he lets out in a whisper.

She swallows hard and it takes everything in her to pull away, but she does. He clears his throat. "Thanks for the ride, Sam," she says and unbuckles her seatbelt. Before she can hop out of his truck, she glances at the air freshener once more and closes her eyes.

"Good night McNally," he says and she nods, taking in his warm smile, engraving into her memory, wondering if she'll ever see that smile directed towards her again.