Chapter One-

She had blown it. She had fucking blown it. The first time in her life that she had ever felt normal, ever felt accepted…and she had walked away from it.

Beca squeezed her eyes shut, forcing herself to stay calm. She was not going to cry. No. Not now. Not when Kimmy Jin could walk back in from whatever Asian thing was going on that night at any minute.

Beca's attempts to hold back tears soon failed and she onto her bed, sobbing.

What did she have to look forward to? The rest of college? A music career that would probably never happen? She just lost all her friends and probably even Chloe…

"I deserve it." Beca whispered, biting her lip. "I'm a terrible person. A fucking deserve all of this…and worse. I deserve pain." She whispered over and over to herself before falling to sleep.

Beca's alarm rang at ten the next morning, but she switched it off the second it beeped. Fuck college. She had only started trying so she could become a DJ, but now that her father was so against it…what was the point?

The Bella's and her dreams were what had kept her going. The Bella's had been like her sisters. But now she had messed up for good and there was no way Aubrey would let her back in.

Beca slept through her first class. Then her second. Around three her cell phone rang. Beca ignored it and fell back asleep until the pain of her memories entered her dreams as well. The disappointment on Chloe's face. The hurt on Jesse's, who has become like to her…all her fault, just like everything else.

Beca sat up and checked the time. 3:30. Kimmy Jin's last class ended at five. She had time.

Beca's cell phone rang again, but she didn't have time to spare. She needed to do something-anything-just to make sure she was still able to feel. Something to make her feel anything other than guilt. She rummaged through her dresser until her hand rest on what she had been looking for.

Beca pulled out the box cutter from when she had moved in.

Beca sat on her bed, staring at the blade. She had met people who had cut before and read about it, but Beca had never really understood what would drive someone to do something like that. Staring at the blade, she felt fear, guilt, confusion…but her focus was stuck on the blade. Could she do it?

Without a second thought, Beca pushed her bracelets up and placed the box cutter about an inch from her wrist.

"No going back now." She muttered to herself and then lowered the blade to her wrist and sliced.