Disclaimer: The song that Sirius etc. are singing throughout this ficlet is a song by a Harry Potter rock band I happened across on YouTube called Ministry of Magic and the song is 'Gryffindor Rally Cry'. It's a really awesome song, so go check it out! I have, however, changed a couple of words like Harry to Gryffindor, but that still doesn't make it mine. Oh and yeah, nothing to do with the pups or Hogwarts or anything else is mine either :)

A/N: Boy, I am really on a roll here! Go me for getting out a 8000+ part of a ficlet at the same time as two chapters for my new looooonnng fic, Remus Lupin's Guide to Seduction! In fact, I wouldn't mind a nice pat on the back from you beautiful people :D Bon appetit! Actually, no…no, don't eat this. It'd be hell to digest. No, just enjoy reading this.

Part One: Puddles Don't have Eyes, Right?

"Aw come on, Moooonnnyyyyyy."

"How can you be so sure of victory? The Slytherins have a pretty good team, Sirius."

"Moony!" James cried from across the dormitory in shock. Remus rolled his eyes and sighed.

"Okay, okay. Fine. If Gryffindor wins the Quidditch Cup, I will join in with the party afterwards. If we lose, though, I'm spending my Saturday night reading." Remus sulked, putting his book down on his nightstand with a dreading finality. He could feel it, just as well as the rest of the House could feel it – Gryffindor had this in the bag. And about time, too, since this was their last year at Hogwarts and everyone – including Professor McGonagall – was afraid that Captain James Potter would throw himself off the astronomy tower if he didn't finally win the Cup.

"Right!" Sirius grinned, jumping off Remus' and pulling aforementioned Remus from his own bed, too. He clapped his hands together, smoothing down his Quidditch robes and sending a James a confident nod. Remus chewed his lip, suddenly feeling nervous for them both – Sirius in particular. A heartbroken Sirius was a painful one for Remus.

"Down we go." James said nervously as Remus and Peter went ahead of the chaser and beater to go down to the common room to greet the team – a tradition they had honoured every year since they had first arrived at Hogwarts. The whole of Gryffindor was waiting down in the common room, looking up at the dormitory stairs with mixed apprehension and excitement. Finally, when the team did arrive, a deafening roar went up in the room. James stepped forwards as the captain and lifted his arms to call for silence.

"This year," he said simply, addressing his audience like a king addressing his subjects before riding into war. Which, according to most of the Gryffindor population, they were. "We win!"

James bowed dramatically, Sirius and the rest of the team following suit and the Gryffindors dissolved into cheers and whoops before starting the old Gryffindor Rally Cry, linking arms and swaying together to the nostalgic tune. Even Remus found himself joining in, caught up in the almost tearful moment.

"Today's the big game, the one we've been waiting for,

"We're ready, we'll represent the House Flag of Gryffindor,

"We've gotta win, the Slytherins have got nothing on us,

"We'll defeat them and not even break a sweat."

"Onwards, to victory!" James cried, throwing his arms out and leading the team down from the balcony and out through the portrait hole with the house in tow, the Fat Lady calling out 'good luck' after them. The proud Gryffindors marched through the school to their captain's beat, their voices rising above the jeers of Slytherins going down to the pitch and continuing with their song.

"Now hear me, today we meet our destiny,

"All together, let's do this for Gryffindor!

"So who are we fighting for? Gryffindor!

"Give it all for the red and gold!

"And who're we flying for? Gryffindor!

"This is battle! This is war!"

The stands were packed, every student and every teacher having turned up for the final between the rival houses, a choir of voices rising from the Gryffindor stands and encouraging cheers coming from the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff stands, too, when the Gryffindor team rose up on their brooms, hoping to see Slytherin lose the Cup for once.

"So who are we fighting for? Gryffindor!

"We're a force you can't ignore!

"And who're we flying for? Gryffindor!

"This is battle! This is war!"

The quaffle was tossed into the air and so the action begun. The commentator had a hard time doing his job, what with the pace of the violent game and the screaming of the Gryffindor supporters – and McGonagall shouting down his ear, too, shouting at the ref to open his eyes and see the obvious fouls the Slytherins were pulling.

"Onto the pitch now, onward and upward,

"We're weightless, the sky is our home and they're our invaders,

"Todays is ours, Potter will score and Black will beat,

"They're no match for our scarlet fury!"

"Spinnet has caught the snitch! It's three hundred and seventy points to Slytherin's measly one hundred and ninety – Gryffindor wins the Quidditch Cup!"

"GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR!"

The noise in the stands covered in the house colours of red and gold rose to a tumultuous level as Gryffindor's seeker did a lap of honour around the pitch, narrowly avoiding falling a hundred feet or so when James leapt onto the back of her broom in mid-air to hug her and repeatedly kiss the back of her head to joyous laughs from the crowd. Remus and Peter jumped up and down and Remus even found himself pumping his fist in the air and shouting until he was hoarse.

"GO, GO, GRYFFINDOR!

"THIS IS BATTLE! THIS IS WAR!

"SO WHO ARE WE FIGHTING FOR?

"AND WHO ARE WE FLYING FOR?

"GRYFFINDOR! GRYFFINDOR!"

The team landed, the Slytherins stalking off and throwing their brooms at each other in anger. McGonagall appeared on the pitch, wiping a tear from her eye as she handed the large, gleaming Quidditch Cup to James, who had jumped on Sirius' shoulders in his excitement. Remus felt himself well up slightly, as half of the rest of his house was, too, as James lifted the cup and openly wept as his best mate jumped up and down even with his whole weight on his shoulders.

"Like a girl, Potter!"

James turned to throw a cushion from the sofa at one of the other team members, pouting as Lily laughed and ruffled his hair fondly. Sirius snorted, plucking another bottle of Firewhiskey from the crate a certain group of boys had acquired for the occasion – a party to celebrate Gryffindor's victory and a party that had died down around ten minutes ago with most other students heading up to bed, save the team, James, Sirius, Remus, Lily and Peter – and patted James on the knee.

"He's right, Jamie. You cried like a girl out there. No one will ever forget that."

James slapped Sirius upside the head, pushing him away from where he had been leant back against Lily's knees as the team all stood and excused themselves to bed. Sirius groaned dramatically, sloshing his drink across himself and collapsing across Remus' lap, who was sitting beside the fire. He yelped at the sudden weight of the other boy's weight and toppled backwards, but Sirius grabbed his shirt and yanked him back upright before he could disappear into the fire.

"Merlin's melons, Pads," Remus gasped, hand over his heart, "If you want to kill me, I'd prefer an Avada. Less pain and no burn marks."

"Why would you care if you have burn marks?" Sirius snorted, "You'd be dead."

"I'd want an open casket. Depriving my beauty from the world for any longer than necessary would be a sin." Remus deadpanned. Sirius simply lifted an eyebrow and dissolved into alcohol-induced giggles. "Oh whatever, go ahead. Shove my face in the fire."

"Ah, my dear Moony," Sirius said sadly, reaching over to pinch Remus' cheek, "If you had no face, how would I get my jollies?"

"Your jollies?" Lily asked in a tone that suggested she regretted the question as soon as it had left her mouth.

"Oh yes," Sirius smirked drunkenly, lying back across Remus' legs and grinning up at him, "That mouth of his is very talented."

"I thought I'd told you not to advertise our secret shagging sessions, Padfoot." Remus sighed, shaking his head in mock disappointment. James pretended to wretch and Peter handed him another firewhiskey to console him. Lily snickered, finishing her own bottle.

"I'm sorry, Moonpie, don't leave me for spilling our secret." Sirius begged.

"No, Sirius. First it was the gardener, now this. I'm filing for a divorce."

"Fine!" Sirius cried, "But only if I get the kids!"

"No chance." Remus smirked, "You'd only feed them dog food."

"You two would make a cute couple."

At Lily's words, Remus nearly fell in the fire again and Sirius ended up head-butting his crotch. Remus groaned, doubling up and rolling onto his side and pressing his hands to his throbbing area as Sirius fussed over him, repeating, "Oh, Merlin's mucus, I'm so sorry, Moony! Moony, can you hear me? Don't go into the light!"

"Drink up, mate." James said sympathetically with a pained wince as he watched Remus sit up slowly and uncurl to take the Firewhiskey. Remus glowered between Sirius and Lily as he drained three quarters of his bottle, ignoring the burning sensation in his throat and belly. It didn't take long for the alcohol to kick in and the pain to ebb along with the increase of his intoxication.

"None of this would have happened if I was upstairs reading Sherlock Holmes." The werewolf grumbled. Sirius rolled his eyes, but Lily smirked evilly, leaning forward.

"I'm sure you'd feel differently if Black kissed it better." She said in a sing song voice with the slightest of slurs. Remus' head fell far too close to the open flames of the fireplace for the third time that night and the others, bar Sirius – who was blushing profusely, luckily unnoticed by the others – bellowed with laughter as he righted himself again and downed the rest of his bottle.

"I'm so proud of you, Lily flower," James chuckled, giving his girlfriend a swift kiss on the cheek, "Speaking just like a Marauder and all. Ah, think of the trouble we could cause with an innocent female accomplice."

"A girl can't be a Marauder!" Sirius gasped, affronted as Lily snorted, "That's against the rules!"

"All the teachers love her," Peter put in helpfully, pausing in his search for any abandoned food left over from the party, "No one would suspect."

"No, Peter." Sirius said simply and Peter shrugged. There was a lull in the conversation, during which Remus massaged the back of his head and squirmed uncomfortably under the amused gaze of Lily, Sirius hummed the Gryffindor Rally Cry under his breath and James swayed to the tune with a happy grin plastered across his face.

"Anyone tired?" Lily asked eventually.

"Nope." The Marauders answered promptly, buzzed up on Firewhiskey and victory.

"Me neither." the Headgirl sighed, "And I blame you."

"Who?" James asked with a pout. Lily smiled and kissed him briefly.

"All of you."

"We should play truth or dare."

Remus and Lily turned to glare at Peter, who cowered slightly, while Sirius and James lit up.

"No. No, no, no, no, no." Remus refused, shaking his head back and forth until he was dizzy. Lily sighed, knowing it was a lost cause, and slid to the floor alongside James and Peter to make a circle. Sirius turned and licked Remus from his jaw to his hairline, making him shriek in surprise and (yep, you guessed it), nearly set himself on fire for the fourth time.

"Play." Sirius pouted, folding his arms. Remus gave in and laughed.

"Fine. You're just like a dog, Padfoot."

"Funny, that." Peter mumbled.

"Okay, okay, okay," James said excitedly, reaching for an empty bottle and lying it on its side in the middle of the circle, "I'll spin first…Wormy! Truth or dare?"

"Oh no." Peter sighed, "Truth."

"Ever licked an animal?"

The group laughed as Peter pursed his lips.

"Is that going to come up every time?" he asked tiredly, "I was drunk and Prongs' fur looked like chocolate."

"So you don't have a thing for Prongs, then?" Sirius asked from Remus' lap with an exaggerated wink. Peter flushed and shook his head quickly, making Sirius snicker and James grimace. Peter reached out and spun the bottle, eager to have the attention off him. It landed on Remus and an evil chuckle came from James. Remus sent him a dirty look.

"Truth."

"Aw, Mooooonnyyyy." Sirius whined, "Boring!"

"Shut up, Pads. Truth."

"What's your sexual fantasy?" James asked loudly, folding his arms resolutely in a gesture that told Remus he wasn't going to be able get out of this one. Remus bit his lip and thought about something to say that wasn't embarrassing – or something that wouldn't give away the secret fact that a certain raven haired animagus with his head currently in his lap was his fantasy...

"You sure you want to know, Prongs?" Remus asked with a small smile to give himself some more time when even Lily was looking impatient, "You want to hear about a gay fantasy?"

James pulled a face, apparently having forgotten that his friend was, in fact, as gay as the day was long, "Okay, no details. But you're not getting out of it, Moony! You know the forfeit."

"Eugh." Remus grimaced, "Fine. I've always wanted to…to…"

"We're all friends here, Rem." Lily assured him kindly. Well, it might have been kindly if she didn't have that gleam in her eyes; James really was a bad influence on the girl.

"Ivealwayswantedtodoitoutdoors."

The others stared at him after his nervous babble, made ever more incoherent by the alcohol he'd had poured down his throat. Sirius sat up – thank Merlin, things were about to get real awkward if his head had stayed there for much longer – and asked him with a suppressed snort to repeat his answer. Remus sat and flatly refused.

"I said it once, I am not saying that out loud again." He said stubbornly.

"Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony, Moony."

"Sirius, shut up before I shove you in the bloody fire."

"Mooooooooooooooonnnnnnnnnyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy—"

"I WANT TO GET SHAGGED OUTSIDE."

There was a moment of silence before they all burst out laughing and Remus flushed. James managed to lift a hand at point at something behind Remus, who turned with a feeling of dread in the pit of his stomach to see a girl – Mary of the year below come to get a glass of pumpkin juice to take back upstairs – smothering her giggles with her hand. Remus mouthed silently, meaning to apologise, but she backed away to the stairs and shook her head.

"I'm up for it if you are, Lupin!"

The words seemed to linger even after she had disappeared, making James, Peter and Lily laugh even harder. Remus cleared his throat, humiliated, as Sirius chuckled and slung an arm over his shoulders.

"Don't think she understood the 'get shagged' part of that phrase," he laughed, "No one said I want to shag a girl outside."

"Yes, yes, hilarious. Moving on…" Remus grumbled, feeling his face glowing. He reached out to spin the bottle. It landed on James and Peter piped up cheerfully.

"James and Lily swap clothes!"

Sirius groaned and slapped a hand on his face, even as the couple stood up with a shrug and started to strip off. The animagus did, however, look up appreciatively when he saw that Lily was undressing without a qualm and gave a teasing wolf whistle.

"Turn around! Peter, you too!" James snapped. Sirius scowled, but turned and buried his face in Remus' neck anyway, Peter turning away too.

"How come Remus doesn't have to look away?" Sirius muttered.

"Remus likes cock." Lily said simply, making James snicker at his girlfriend's immaturity as they finished the switch. Sirius and Peter looked back and fell about laughing at seeing James in Lily's skirt. Sirius, however, stopped laughing when James sat back down in the least feminine way possible and then he was the one in the fire.

"PRONGS! Where is your underwear?"

James shrugged innocently, "Couldn't find any to change into after the match."

"Lovely, Prongs." Sirius said, wrinkling his nose.

"Mmm, lovely." Remus agreed, waggling his eyebrows at James, who paled as Lily choked with laughter. Sirius snorted, finally straightening up from his position in the fireplace, where his hair had been in serious danger of catching fire.

"Pfft. You ain't seen nothing yet, Lupin."

"Is that a promise, Black?" Remus asked drily, turning to see Sirius' come hither expression before changing his mind, "No, it's too soon after the divorce, Padfoot."

"We don't have to tell the children." Sirius pouted, batting his lashes. Remus rolled his eyes with a small smile and told James to spin the bottle.

"Sirius!" James span when the bottle stopped.

"Dare." Sirius answered with a lazy grin.

"Strip!" Lily cried, throwing her arms up. James glowered at her, but cackled evilly along with her when she added, "And you have to stay naked for a whole week. Lessons and all."

"What?" Sirius shrieked, "How am I supposed to get away with that?"

"A specific repelling charm." Lily shrugged, twirling her wand between her fingers whilst she sent a wink in Remus' direction, who worked his tense jaw and looked away.

"I…"

"Forfeit, mate." James reminded him.

"Okay! Okay! No Snivellus grease, please! Fine, go ahead, Evans."

A simple, wordless charm was cast (so Sirius couldn't guess the counter-charm), and everything Sirius was wearing flew off in a sudden, violent clothes-explosion, splattering fabric around the room. Sirius sat, hands carefully placed in his lap as he glared over at Lily while James brayed loudly. Remus had to force himself to tear his gaze away from the toned muscles and sharp angles that just asked for him to reach out and…well, you get the idea.

"Thanks for shredding my shirt, Evans." Sirius huffed, looking down to check everything was covered by his hands, "You didn't have to destroy my clothes just because you wanted to see what I've got to offer."

"Padfoot." James growled, ruining the effect by hiccupping. Sirius stuck his tongue out and reached forward to spin the bottle, landing it on Peter, who squirmed, obviously hoping that he wasn't about to end up naked. Of course, no one wanted to see that, so Sirius piped up with a smirk.

"Lick James' ear."

Peter pulled a face and shook his head, but James jumped at him, forced his mouth open and then shoving his ear in. Peter yelped and James shouted, falling backwards.

"Don't bite! What the hell, Pete?"

"Then don't shove you ear in my mouth!" Peter squeaked, wiping his tongue on his hand and spinning the bottle with his other hand. It landed on Remus and Peter gave James an evil grin.

"Remus, take off Lily's bra with just your teeth."

"WHAT?"

"Relax, he's gay, remember?" Sirius laughed, even as Lily was pulling off James' shirt and turning her back for Remus, who laughed and shook his head but crawled over anyway. James fell silent, his mouth agape, as Remus promptly fastened his teeth around her black, lacy bra fastening and pulled, undoing it with one yank.

"I feel like that's not the first time you've done that." Sirius said, a strange look on his face. Remus sat back and shrugged sheepishly as James glared across at him jealously, doing his girlfriend's bra back up.

"Okay…" Remus said as the bottle landed on Lily, "Erm…"

"Well, since we're the dirty dares now," Sirius cut in with a wide grin, "Give Prongs a lap dance."

"What?" Lily asked in disbelief, apparently not quite drunk enough to follow such instructions without question. Meanwhile, James was turning pink as he blinked at Sirius.

"No one but me is allowed to see that side of my Lily!" he exclaimed – which was stupid, seeing as his girlfriend had a history of defying his word ever since the first time he had asked her out in second year. At his indignant complaint, lily instantly hitched up the robes that were comically large on her and climbed over to straddle his lap. Sirius hooted and checked his dignity was still safely covered.

"Now it's a party!" Sirius laughed approvingly as James stuttered and flushed, his eyes fixed on Lily, who gyrated and rubbed herself against him. Peter's eyes were popping out as he stared as though to imprint the image on his brain forever, whereas Remus was sitting a still as possible, trying desperately to look as though Sirius' nakedness beside him wasn't bothering him in the slightest. Lily promptly finished with a giggle and shifted back to the floor to spin the bottle.

"Sirius!" Lily sang, whipping out her wand. Sirius flinched and lifted his hands to protect himself.

"Argh!" James spluttered, "Cover yourself, man!"

"Wouldn't have slipped if your girlfriend didn't threaten me." Sirius muttered.

"I'm not." Lily snorted, rolling her eyes. She reached for a bottle of butterbeer and deliberately spilled some on the floor to point her wand at it and turn it into a butterscotch coloured ice cube. "Sirius, you have to keep this balanced on Remus' stomach until it melts."

"Easy." Sirius stated confidently, while Remus gave the Headgirl a suspicious glare.

"Using only your mouth." She finished with a smirk at Remus.

"What?" James asked dumbly, lifting his eyebrows at his chuckling girlfriend. Sirius grinned, stating that he never passed up a challenge as he pushed Remus onto his back with one hand – almost singing his hair.

"Sirius, I don't—" the nervous werewolf tried to protest, fighting to sit up again.

"I refuse to forfeit!" Sirius exclaimed, pushing him down again.

"Mate," James spoke up in a pained voice, "Could you please do this facing us? I really don't want to be staring at your arse the whole time."

"Scared you'll lose control?" Sirius teased, but swung Remus around with his legs and crawled – awkwardly, since his other hand was otherwise occupied – to position himself with his rear end facing the staircases. "Tell me if anyone comes down."

"Not likely." James snickered. Sirius flipped him the bird and signalled for the ice cube. With an evil sparkle in her eyes, Lily levitated the butterbeer ice cube as Sirius pushed Remus back down again and shoved his shirt up to his chin. Remus blushed uncomfortably when his scars gleamed in the firelight, but quickly forgot when the ice cube landed on his midriff. He shifted at the cold sensation and made a small sound of unease, but Sirius slapped his thigh to still him and settled between his legs, his free hand balancing him beside Remus' hip.

"This is so weird." James said mournfully, as Sirius lowered his head to balance the slipping ice cube on Remus' skin, "My girlfriend's a pervert."

Lily hit James, but Remus didn't see – he was far more interested in watching Sirius go at his task, feeling his hair tickling his waist. He squirmed, trying not to react and give himself away, making Sirius grab his hip with his other hand to still him. Oh gods, oh Merlin, oh…Remus glanced down and – yep, definitely not covered anymore. There was something…stimulating about having Sirius naked on top of him with other people watching like there was nothing wrong with it. He hoped to Merlin that Sirius wouldn't notice his appreciation of his anatomy, or there would be trouble afoot.

An eternity seemed to pass before the cube finally melted, most of the sweet liquid already having been lapped up by the animagus before him, but as the remains melted away, Remus felt the tip of Sirius' tongue dip into his navel briefly, making him yelp and sit up. Sirius emitted a pained "oof!" when Remus' knee collided with his chin, but sat up with an amused wink as he covered himself again.

"What?" James asked with a frown. Remus looked over to find Lily stifling laughter with her hand and earning herself a heated glower.

"Sirius is just acting like the mutt he is." Remus said in a calm voice that contradicted the pace of his heart, "Spin the bottle again, Pads."

"Aye, aye, wolf boy." Sirius grinned, chortling when Remus smacked him upside the head, "Peter, my lad. Be it truth or dare?"

"Truth." Peter answered, wrinkling his nose in a rather rat-like manner when Sirius groaned.

"Hmm," James hummed thoughtfully, "If you had to kiss any of the guys here, who would it be?"

"Um Lily?" Peter asked hopefully.

"Boys, Peter." Lily shot him down with a roll of her eyes.

"Erm…" Peter wrung his hands for a moment before blurting out with an air of panic, "Remus!"

"WHAT?" James and Sirius cried simultaneously.

"I thought it would be me!" James sniffed whilst wiping away an imaginary tear.

"I do worry about you, sometimes." Lily sighed. James pouted and then beamed when he received a quick peck on the cheek. Meanwhile, Remus was giving Sirius a raised-eyebrow look as the other boy flushed a little and stubbornly avoided meeting the werewolf's gaze after his outburst. Remus was about to tell Peter to spin the bottle to dissipate the awkwardness in Sirius' posture, when the portrait hole opened and none other than – oh dear Merlin – Professor McGonagall entered.

"Evening, professor." Lily said in a voice that was too high as she hurriedly waved her wand behind the cover of the sofa to vanish the remaining bottles and food that they weren't exactly supposed to have access to. Remus admired her wordless wandwork even whilst intoxicated and mentally noted to ask her how she managed it. McGonagall approached them, giving them an odd look at them on the floor instead of the perfectly comfortable chairs, before appearing to decide that she didn't want to know.

"I came to check that there weren't celebrations still happening." the professor told Lily, James and Remus – the ones who were supposed to be the responsible ones there, seeing as they were the two Head students and a prefect, "You should be heading up to bed, too. Lessons are still running tomorrow, no matter how many Gryffindor students signed your petition to cancel them to celebrate your victory." She added to James, who closed his mouth with a shrug that read, at least I tried, "I'm glad to see it hasn't been too bad and I must say, I commend you for finally getting rid of that goat, Miss Evans."

"No problem, professor." Lily smiled politely, "It was blocking the chimney."

"Yes, yes. Well, goodnight and again, well done, Potter Black…" the professor trailed off as she finally looked at Black, who lifted one hand to waggle his fingers at her. She mouthed for a moment, looking remarkably like a goldfish as she took in his complete lack of any attire.

"It was quite the game, was it not, Minnie?" Sirius asked cheerfully, obviously enjoying watching their Head of House lost for words. Remus decided to help the situation – since the others were all suppressing laughter – by jumping up and guiding their professor back over to the portrait hole.

"I'll deal with Black and then get everyone up to bed," he assured, hoping she wasn't having a heart attack, "You can go and get some sleep and rest easy knowing we aren't tearing apart the common room."

McGonagall nodded, glancing at the floor as though to gather her wits about her and then made a noise that was something akin to 'argyhlfjakl' which made Remus wonder whether he needed to fetch help from Pomfrey, before he glanced over at his highly unhelpful friends to see them snickering and pointing. Remus looked down to see – why couldn't he just die – a bulge in his trousers, a result he hadn't known he was sporting from Sirius work with the ice cube. Bloody dog.

With a face that was probably as red as the good-turned-evil socks under James' bed – the ones that had an irreversible charm on them to squeeze the life from any feet they came across – Remus quickly ushered McGonagall out of the common room and closed the portrait hole behind her. Checking that his 'problem' had gone down, he turned to face his friends, who immediately stopped snickering and whispering to each other to look over at him solemnly.

"I blame you all for that." He said gravely, unable to stop the grin from cracking through in his alcohol induced state. He went to re-join the circle as Peter yawned. James caught the yawn and his own stretched his mouth wide.

"Looks like we're finally tired." Lily said, muffling her own yawn.

"Yup. Shall we end the game here, then?" Peter asked hopefully.

"No." Sirius said with narrowed eyes, "If I have to be naked all week, then the rest of you lot have to do something for the whole week, too."

"I'll agree to that." James shrugged fairly, "We have to keep doing other dares, too. It'll make lessons interesting."

"N.E.W.T.s are interesting." Remus protested, but without any conviction. He would be dragged into his no matter what, so there wasn't much point in putting up a real fight.

"Soooo," Sirius said ponderously, "I'm going to be naked. By the way, Evans, I wouldn't mind something that I'm allowed to wear – you know to cover the boys when my hands are otherwise occupied.

"Fine." Lily smirked, conjuring – oh, gods. Remus was having an aneurism – a leopard print G-string. Good god, how was anyone going to concentrate with Sirius wearing that in class. It was official – Remus was going to fails his N.E.W.T.s; if any questions came up on the work they would be doing during the following week, all he would be able to write would be: I don't know what the ingredients for Felix Felicis are, because I was too busy staring at my best friend's arse on his way to the storage cupboard. Yeah, that would go down really well.

"Cheers," Sirius thanked her with a barking laugh, "Turn around, you perverts."

Remus turned away with a chuckle along with the others and waited until Sirius told them it was safe .They all turned and James yelped in shock.

"Shit! Black!" he shouted. Sirius turned around from where he had been proudly displaying his buttocks and sat down with a tipsy grin. Remus cleared his throat and looked away, ignoring Lily's snorts of laughter. "Alright, so what should the rest of us have to do for the week?"

"Weeellll…" Sirius grinned impishly. He whipped out his wand and – before anyone could rightfully panic – pointed it at Lily with a quick incantation that none of them caught. A dramatic puff of smoke swallowed her up and they all stared, waiting for it to dissipate. Once had, Sirius howled with laughter and James howled with horror. Lily just stared down at herself with an expression that was a mixture of horror and fascination. Or should it be himself. Yes, that's right – Sirius Black had turned Lily Evans into a seventeen year old boy. A boy with cropped red hair and bright green eyes.

"Amazing!" Lily chirped in a disturbingly low voice that somehow still sounded like her own, "How did you do that?"

"One of my own little spells. I did it, so naturally, it was amazing." Sirius smirked, twirling his wand between his fingers lazily and ignoring James whining that he couldn't shag a guy, "Customised the smoke myself, of course. It needed a little razzle and dazzle."

"That couldn't have sounded more gay, Pads." Remus chuckled. Sirius narrowed his eyes and pointed dramatically at the werewolf, who stiffened. He had had to open his big mouth, hadn't he? Now Sirius was going to turn him into a ferret or something. The over excitable boy had witnessed a seventh year, Alistair Moody, turn a Slytherin into a ferret and the eleven year old child that had been Black had yet to forget about the incident. Ever since, he had been itching to use the spell but the opportunity had never arisen.

"I'll save yours for last." Sirius drawled with a teasing wink that made Remus squirm. Lily hit James upside the head and squealed at her new strength when the chaser groped at her chest with a forlorn expression.

"Hands off, Potter, or I'll make sure you won't be able to sit for a week." Lily threatened. The boys (well, the real boys. Quite down, Pinocchio), looked over at her questioningly – Sirius suggestively, thinking she was referring to some kind of kinky spanking session – until she glanced down at her crotch and then at James pointedly. A moment passed in silence before James yelped and grabbed her hand, apologising profusely for molesting her breastless chest.

"That has got to be one of the most disturbing images I've ever been forced to imagine." Peter stated matter-of-factly. Remus and Sirius glanced at each other and shuddered. Sirius cleared his throat, distracting Lily from her task of jabbing herself curiously in the crotch and wincing repeatedly – which, frankly, made the others flinch with every poke – and asked who was next to receive their week-long dare.

"Me! Me! Me!" James squawked, lifting his hand in the air like Lily in potions class. Remus instantly raised his wand and muttered two separate spells. When he was done, the others minus James dissolved into violent fits of giggles. "What?" the clueless boy begged, "What did he do?"

"Turned you green and gave you an afro." Reus shrugged, "It just came to me."

"WHAT?" James screeched, hands flying to his hair – which was when he noticed his luminous green skin, "I'll never away with this!"

"You giving in?" Sirius asked with an evil grin, "The forfeit is Lily's choice."

Lily gave her boyfriend a wide smile and James shook his head quickly, edging away from her a little. Peter snorted in amusement and James pointed his wand at the rotund boy.

"Think that's funny? How about this, then?" he demanded, flicking his wand. The others watched to see what Peter's dare would be, but were confused when all that happened was that his alarmed self had disappeared. "Err…" James trailed off, staring at the floor where Peter had been. The others looked down too, to see a puddle of bright orange, slimy looking goo in the boy's place.

"Well, I always thought Pete would be the first one to go," Sirius said sadly, "But with more of a bang."

"I can still hear you, Sirius." The goo said irritably. James yelped and jumped back onto Lily's lap – before leaping off again when he realised the danger of the position of his arse, "James, care to explain why I'm bloody goo?"

"No need to panic, Pete." James said quickly, jabbing at the goo, "Where's your mouth…?"

"Stop poking me! And how am I supposed to stop panicking?" the goo demanded shrilly. Something about the image of a glowing green boy prodding at a pile of sludge.

"I…didn't meant for that to happen. Sorry?" James tried with a shrug, "How did you know it was me poking you? Where are your eyes?"

"Don't worry, Wormtail," Remus assured the orange blob soothingly, "There's timing charm we can cast on all of us that will make sure the effects of these spells will only last until this time next week."

"Oh, thank Merlin." The goo muttered sarcastically, "I only have to stay as this nonentity for a week."

"Wormy turns into a carrot slushy and he grows balls." Sirius snorted. He pause, looking thoughtful, "Hey, Wormy…do you have balls?"

"I…" Peter cleared his…throat? Did he have…? Whatever, moving on – Peter made a noise from somewhere within the goo and a smirk spread across his face. "You are not going to check."

"What was supposed to happen, James?" Lily asked, frowning at the Peter-puddle.

"I…hadn't really planned anything." James shrugged. Lily rolled her – his (wow, this is getting confusing, right?) – eyes and shook her head.

"You lot look ridiculous." Remus giggled tipsily, looking around at his mismatched friends. Lily turned her green gaze on him and grinned rather evilly.

"Don't think we've forgotten about you." She smirked, "Hmm…I think you shooooould…" she stroked an imaginary beard (which may not be as imaginary I a few days), "Speak what you're really thinking without being able to stop it or consider whether or not it's rude."

"What? No!" Remus protested in alarm. Sirius perked up and snickered.

"That could be interesting." He considered, glancing at Remus, who have him a heated glare.

"What if I think about the moon?" he asked quickly. Lily shrugged, answering easily that she could create barriers with her spell. Remus cursed under his breath. James frowned.

"He could just cheat by whispering his thoughts," Prongs pointed out to the chagrin of Remus, "Like he does when he swears."

"Fuck you, Potter." Remus snapped, just to prove a point.

"That's easily fixed." Lily shrugged, "We'll transfer Sirius' personality traits to him. He'll speak like him, too."

"Genius!" Sirius crowed with a villain-like cackle, "He'll never shut up!"

"I'll speak like him, too? I don't…oh, fine." Remus sighed, waving a hand at Lily with an air of defeat, "Go ahead. I'm never going to get out of this, so get it over and done with."

Lily giggle, which sounded odd coming from a boy's mouth (let's ignore the fact that Remus has, in fact, already giggled at least once in this fic), and waved her wand between him and Sirius, who squirmed in excitement.

There was an unbearable moment of silence, in which Remus' mind was blissfully blank. And then his mouth was opening and it had all begun. The week in which they were all bound to get expelled from Hogwarts without completing their N.E.W.T.s.

"Doesn't look like your nasty scheming has worked this time, Evans." Remus drawled, leaning back against the side of the fireplace and folded his hands behind his head and making his shirt ride up to show a strip of skin. The others lifted their brows and then spluttered with barely suppressed laughter. Remus thought, oh Merlin, I'm acting like Sirius, this is so humiliating, but what he actually said was, "Well, whoop-de-fucking-doo. Looks like the bint can do something right after all! Make sure you do her good as a reward, Prongsy old boy. When she's got tits again, though…unless you actually want to do it the Gay Way."

The last part was said as though it deserved capital letters and Remus felt utterly horrified that such things has come out of his mouth, but instead of an apology, all that left his mouth was a bark-like laugh that sounded scarily like Sirius, who was laughing alongside him heartily.

"You'd better hope that was all Sirius there and not just you." Lily scowled at Remus – who desperately wanted to look contrite, but couldn't due to a very Sirius-like smirk dominating his face – and Sirius, who fluttered his eyelashes innocently. James howled with laughter and the Peter-puddle snickered in amusement.

"Nice." James grinned appreciatively. Lily's scowl turned on him.

"Don't forget I'm strong enough to push you around properly." She/he warned him.

"Ooo, Jamesie's gonna get a spanking!" Sirius sang.

"Lotion up, antler boy, it's gonna be a rough ride." Remus chortled. Sirius held up his hand and, to his utter mortification, high fived him with a self-satisfied snort. Lily seemed to notice some kind of inner turmoil going on behind Remus' self-satisfied grin, because she rolled her eyes at him in exasperation.

"I know you're trying to fight it, Remus," she said with a half-smile that made Remus feel sick, but made his body stretch nonchalantly and morph his face into a cocky grimace, "Once you cast the timing spell, we'll all be stuck like this."

"No point in fighting it." The Peter-puddle muttered bitterly. James threw the goo another apologetic glance that was ruined by a badly suppressed smirk. Remus sighed – a sound that would have been a small, defeat sound had he been able to act normal, but actually came out as a long, dramatically drawn out exhalation, and accepted his fate. The forfeit for refusing to carry out a dare was far too dreadful for him to complain. He may as well just play along and enjoy himself.

"Fine, Red." Remus stated with a flourish of his wand over the group to cast the timing spell, "There we are! Stuck like this 'til Minnie rumbles us and then stuck like this till the end anyway." He tittered to himself and stretched out on the floor, closing his eyes. No one else spoke, so he cracked open one eye to see the others staring at him – well, he assumed Peter was staring at him, anyway. Sirius was staring the hardest, a look of disbelief on his face.

"I know I'm undeniably sexy and that it's hard to control your raging libidos around me, but do you have to stare like that?" Remus asked, fanning his face, "You're making me blush and I don't blush."

Sirius opened his mouth and sat like that for a moment before speaking, "Do I really sound like that?"

"Mmm." Lily hummed in her new broken voice, which attracted James' attention again, who tore his eyes away from Remus to stare at his girlfriend (boyfriend?), again, "It's irritating, isn't it?"

"What?" Sirius asked with a loud laugh, "It's brilliant!"

"Think of all the prank we could get away with if Sirius' Siriusness is joined with Remus' intelligence," James cackled, rubbing his hands together, "We'll be unstoppable!"

Remus, internally unsure of whether he would be able to express his own thoughts through Sirius, or whether Sirius' thoughts would come out of his mouth instead, burst out, "What are you, fucking crazy? Prongs, mate, my brother from another mother, I am not your bitch."

Well, Remus thought with inner relief, at least it's my thoughts. They're just in Sirius' words.

"I agree." Sirius spoke up to everyone's surprise, "We shouldn't use Moony."

Sirius looked around at his friends when no one replied to see James frowning at him suspiciously, Lily smirking at him knowingly and the Peter-puddle had stopped grumbling to itself.

"Err, well, I mean that he'll just hex us to death if it's Moony's temper mixed with my own, so…" Sirius tried helplessly. James was still watching him, his eyes flicking between Sirius and Remus, who was fixing his hair absentmindedly. Lily, apparently – finally – feeling sorry for him, yawned and announced that they should all go to bed and continue the dares in the morning. The others agreed and got to their feet, Sirius and Remus both stretching like cats at the same time.

"That's getting creepy." James commented with a lifted eyebrow as he and Lily went to kiss each other goodnight before pulling away looking confused. They clapped each other on the shoulder instead, Lily chuckling and turning away to head up the girls' staircase – only to have it turn into a slide and have her/him slip backwards and land on the floor with a pained and surprised "oof!"

"Guess it's the boy's dormitory for you, Evans!" Sirius chirped with a wide grin. Lily and James glanced at each other as Remus gave her a hand up and twirled her/him in a circle before shoving her/him at James, who caught her/him gingerly.

"Ah, awkward young love." Remus sighed dreamily, fluttering his lashes at the couple, "Even more awkward when the chick's got a dick, too."

"Shove off, Lupin." Lily muttered, narrowing her/his eyes at him. She turned back to James with imploring eyes that even worked well on her male counterpart, "Can I sleep in your dorm?"

The Headboy ruffled his hair nervously – momentarily getting his hand caught in his afro – and glanced at his friends. Remus and Sirius shrugged carelessly and the goo sighed loudly.

"She can have mine." The Peter-puddle grunted, "S'not like I'm going to need a bed, now anyway."

"Thanks, Peter." Lily grinned, the expression she had picked up from James looking even more scarily like her boyfriend than usual on her temporarily male face. Peter sighed again and they all headed up to the seventh year boys dormitory, the goo somehow sliding its way up the stairs unaided. Upstairs, Lily was staring in horror at Peter's bed. James was standing next to her, his glowing skin lighting up half of the room in which the other seventh year boys were already asleep.

"Peter," Lily hissed the goo, "What the hell is all over your bed?"

"Dunno. It turned purple last week, so I think it's maturing."

"I am not sleeping in that!" Lily complained. James shushed her, glancing at the other boys. Remus rolled his eyes and physically steered her over to his own bed, where the sheets were crisp and clean – and white.

"Sleep in mine." He ordered, "I'll sleep in Padfoot's."

"And where's Padfoot supposed to sleep?" James asked in confusion, standing in the middle of their beds to provide them with green tinted light. Remus rolled his eyes.

"In his bed too, Prongs. That afro sucked up all your brain power?"

"We did it all the time in first year," Sirius said, waving Remus over to his bed, "It's fine."

"Scared I'll ruin your little dog by ploughing him into the mattress?" Remus asked with a sassy wink at James, who paled slightly (if paling was the green getting a little lighter in shade), "Don't worry, he'll still be able to play fetch once I'm done with him."

"Dear Merlin," James snorted as Lily muffled her laughter behind a hand, "A straight and a gay Sirius. No one in the world will ever be safe again."

"We'll be unstoppable," Sirius grinned, puffing his chest out, "Like Manbat and Bird."

Lily and Remus glanced at each other before falling about laughing. Sirus scowled, hands on hips as he waited for them to calm down. Once they had, he demanded, "What?"

"It's Batman and Robin." Lily corrected with a masculine giggle. Sirius stuck his tongue out and started to undress for bed. Remus, who slept usually in pyjamas, had a feeling that he would be copying Sirius tonight and spending the night in his boxers. Sure enough, he sat on the edge of the bed beside Sirius, who had already climbed under the covers and lifted an eyebrow at Lily, who was dithering and fingering the hem of James' robes. Meanwhile, James was glowing even more, having stripped out of Lily's skirt and too-tight shirt and the Peter-puddle had disappeared under its bed.

"Scared to look down and see no tits?" Remus asked in amusement. Lily glared at him, "Just get undressed, you'll still have nipples for Merlin's sake."

"Sirius! I mean, uh, Remus!" James stumbled, confused as he turned to face Remus, who grinned and shrugged innocently. He came closer to talk and Remus flinched inwardly as his green glow highlighted the map of scars over his uncovered body. He stilled defensively as Lily stopped shrugging her robes off to stare in shock. It was, at least, reassuring that Sirius felt as defensive as Remus did about his lycanthropy, so he was free to act as he usually would about it. With a few Sirius twists, anyway.

"You'll lose those bogey coloured eyes if you don't stop bloody staring." Remus snapped. He felt Sirius' hand on his back to calm him. Even James didn't butt in and defend her, just as protective of Remus' furry little problem, as Lily looked away, abashed, apologising profusely and saying in a small voice that she's just never seen them before. Remus forgave her haughtily and Lily nodded – which was when she realised that she was currently standing around with three seriously underdressed boys. She squeaked suddenly, sounding like a girl again, her eyes darting between James (whose good looks were not dimmed much by his greenness and his afro-ness), Sirius and Remus before muttering something unintelligible and darting into the bathroom, slamming the door closed. Frank murmured in his sleep as the three boys glanced at each other with varying degrees of amusement. Meaning that James was panicking about whether he'd done something to upset his girlfriend – boyfriend – girlfriend…whichever.

"I doubt it, Jamie boy," Sirius grinned, stretching out on his bed and waggling his eyebrows suggestively, "Looked to me like she was overwhelmed by our joint, naked sexiness and ran off to have a quick wank."

"What?" James squeaked, sounding remarkably like Lily, "No!"

"Girls get horny, too, y'know." Remus provided helpfully.

"Yeah. It'll just feel a little different this time." Sirius snickered. James clapped his hands over his ear and hummed in a slightly maniacal fashion as Sirius continued to provide details as to what his girlfriend was now doing in their bathroom. Lily saved the poor boy after a while by emerging and explaining that she had needed the bathroom and panicked when she realised that she couldn't ask any of them for help, lest she have the piss taken out of her. James looked ridiculously relieved and Sirius and Remus fell about laughing.

"Shut up." Peter's voice groaned from under his bed. Lily put her fingers to her lips and climbed onto Remus' bed. With a brisk and disturbingly excited goodnight, she yanked the hangings closed and no more sound could be heard.

"Bet she's cast a silencing charm," Sirius grinned.

"And you know the only reason we do it on the beds." Remus finished with a Sirius-like waggle of his eyebrows.

"See?" Sirius asked innocently when no indignant response came from behind the closed hangings. James smacked Remus and told him to pass it on for him. The chortling werewolf obliged and Sirius gasped with mock offence, grabbing Remus by the arms and pulling him down onto the bed.

"Traitor!" Sirius cried, earning himself a joint "sshh!" from the other occupants of the dorm. Sirius grinned and poked Remus in the ribs.

"His fault, not mine." Remus called to the others.

"No promises that you're not going to hear any more strange noises tonight." Sirius added with a wink at Remus, who waggled is eyebrows and stuck his tongue out. "Gods, this is gonna be hilarious."

"Go to sleep." James ordered, climbing into his own bed, "Gotta get my beauty sleep for Minnie in the morning."

"It's me she wants, Prongs, butt out of my affair with McGonagoogly eyes." Remus sniffed with mock outrage, "Mind you, if she's wearing that hat – you know, that new one with the feather – I may have to break it off. Then you can have her."

"Agreed. I like the feather." James grinned, his green teeth glinting in the darkness, "I can't believe you have all of these jokes and comments locked away in your head, Moony. I'm impressed."

"Seriously, shut up." One of the other boys snapped, "Is that…? What's green over there?"

James dived under his covers to snorts of laughter from Remus and Sirius, before they all fell asleep, dreaming of the chaos of the next day. Well, James, Sirius, the Peter-puddle and even Lily were. Remus, on the other hand, was trying to ignore the fact that Sirius was only wearing that thong and desperately concentrated on going to sleep before his impure thoughts made his impulsive body do something he was going to regret.

So what did you think? Bit random, but hey. R&R! :D