Cold War Time
resolute hallway
just after lunchtime

/begin fanfic/

"Oh, Amerika!"

Russia was acting really, really freaky right now. Well, he was always freaky. But right now, he was acting freakier than normally. And it was really a creeped-out thorn in America's side that afternoon. I mean, here he was, pinned against the wall by disgusting Communist hands, right in the middle of a beam of sunlight, the one pinning him mistaking his sweating for being nervous.

And it was freaky about the entire scenario was that Russia was smiling like some kind of fucking Communist piece-of-shit pedophile.

And it scared America a lot.

"What do you want, bastard?" America snapped, feeling a bead of sweat roll down his temple. Jackets plus sunshine did not equal comfy, he could tell you first-hand. "It's hot where I'm standing, so if you're going to do this freaky thing, then please - mmph!"

'Mmph!' was not a word America said on a daily basis. It wasn't a word anyone said, really. More of a surprised noise from the deepness of the throat, but it wasn't truly a word in any actual language; and that included stupid Communist Russian. But why America groaned this particular sound...

...was because he was stunned that Russia, that stupid Commie bastard with all of his stupid, totally-not-working psyche mind-fuck tricks, leaning down the few inches that separated the top of their heads and pressed his cold fucking lips to America's.

Now, America has been kissed before. Not necessarily on the lips, except that one time by some chick he was trying to escape because she was a total creeping stalker while he was in stupid human university one year and he was the totally handsome hero and she was average for an American human but not his type. By England, France, Canada... but that was his family, and besides, Italy totally didn't count because that guy kissed everyone! But to be kissed, totally being forced to kiss back, by Russia...?

Well...

...he didn't really know what to do.

America squeezed his eyes shut; ew, he just didn't even want to see that cocky bastard's stupid face while his heroic lips of liberty and freedom were violated by this... Communist's disgusting Communist lips! America lifted up his arms, wiggling his hands between Russia's (he wasn't homo, so get your mind out of the gutter! Perverts...) totally not muscle-y chest and pushed with all of his strength, which was a hell lot. Damn, the Commie must be stronger than anyone thought, because no matter how hard America shoved, Russia wouldn't budge a millimeter!; but really, who uses millimeters anyway, Cana-what's-his-face? Russia only pressed closer, but luckily, America managed to worm his hands free from the evil clutches of Communism. With a moan (of total heroic frustration, that is!), America's hands fluttered as Russia, the evil bastard, put his stupid large hands on his hips, still kissing him somehow. Jeez, how big was this guy's lungs, the size of Texas? America felt his stomach churn as Russia opened his mouth, running his evil Commie tongue along America's lips - eeeeeeew, is that how Russians kiss? That's totally gross, yo!

America felt his head whirl as he furiously tried to scavenge up something to say to this evil bastard who was pulling some wicked cruel Communist mind-controlling manipulation shit on him! The hero can't fall for this bull crap! America felt rebellion well up in his chest, and as words built up on his tongue, sharp from years of debate against the evils of Communism, America opened his mouth to say some pretty nasty things to Russia.

When the bastard stuck his tongue in America's patriotic mouth of heroic-ness.

Oh ew.

Ew, oh ew, oh

ew ew ew ew EW.

As Russia's disgusting tongue-thing probed his mouth like Tony, his righteous (totally real!) alien buddy, did with that cow he abducted that one time, America felt his chest constrict with something he dubbed 'totally crazy-mad anger.' America reached up, clenching his fist into Russia's hair before giving a harsh pull. Russia didn't even react! Like, his head didn't even move! With a groan of totally understandable frustration, America pulled harder. What kind of conditioner does this guy use...? America thought abruptly, after he realized he wasn't wearing gloves, they were in a ball in his pocket, and Russia's hair was really freakin' soft.

Like, REALLY freakin' soft, man.

Even if it was Communist hair.

It was still.

Really. Freakin'. Soft.

Too bad this beautiful moment that he would never totally admit was beautiful because it involved a Commie - Russia, to be more specific - when aforementioned Commie moaned.

Moaned.

No, let me say that again:

moaned, moaned his name.

His beautiful, totally amazingly heroic name, was being butchered by Russia. "Amerika," and yes, he actually moaned. Russia's stupid arms moved around his waist, pulling America even closer to the Communist bastard! The sack on this guy, am I right? Honestly, America could swear to God at that very moment that he was about to like, die without oxygen. Even HE knew that he needed to breathe; duh, it's first grade! So, America finally managed to break out of Russia's stupid manipulative hold. "You...!" America screamed. (It came out as more of a breathless, gasping pant-thing, but YOU DON'T HAVE PROOF OF ANYTHING!) "Stop playing your stupid mind-probe things on me! My brain is up here, not in here!" America tapped the side of his head with a finger, glaring up at Russia before flicking the stupid Commie in the nose. "Hey, I'm talking to you!"

"Amerika," Russia sighed dreamily. Yes, sighed dreamily, like some fifteen-year-old fangirl fawning over some... I dunno, pop boy band or something. (Weren't all the girls doing The Twist nowadays? Oh, America could pull off a mean twist!) It really unnerving to America, and he was thrown off guard as the stupid Communist leaned down and tried to suck the information out of his totally heroic brain through his mouth. It was obvious! America knew what was going down; he saw the movies! So, he figured, why not try the same thing?

Bracing himself for having all of his awesome secrets unearthed and discovered, America squeezed his eyes closed and opened his mouth again, like he was going to talk like the first time, but instead of Russia shoving his stupid tongue into his mouth, America dominated! Like in the awesome wicked space race, he totally won the Battle Versus Communist Tongue, haha! Dammit, Russia was trying to wimp out; no bother, because if that rat-bastard tried sucking out his brain before, America was sure he got to have a slice of whatever pie the Commie bastard was eating off of! America locked his arms around Russia's neck and (damn stupid Russia and the stupid two inches) pulled him down more, copying Russia's weird tongue-sucking thing with his awesome heroic skills! America refused to let Russia go now, and he let out a victorious laugh of awesomely awesome triumph. It may have sounded like a moan, but whatever! Russia would losing!

And if Russia was losing, Communism was losing!

And if Communism was losing, then Capitalism was winning!

Oh fuck yeah! Capitalism! Freedom! AMERICA!

"AMERICA!"

Oh wait. That wasn't just the patriotic voice in America's head screaming the name of the best country in the world; that was Britain. Well shit. His focus was ruined. "Great, Britain," he groaned, shoving the clueless Commie away from him. "Good job! I was gathering secret information for the fight against Communism, and then you show up and ruin it! THANKS, AMERICA WON'T BE ABLE TO HEROICALLY SAVE YOU FROM EVIL COMMUNISM NOW BECAUSE YOU RUINED MY FOCUS. IT'S GONNA MELT YOUR INTESTINES OUT FROM ITS ACIDIC CLUTCHES, AND IT'LL ALL BE YOUR FAULT, WOW, THANKS."

And as America stormed away, leaving Britain (and several other nations very, very confused by the westerner's monologuing in an unintelligible gasp) and the Commie bastard in his dust, America ditched that meeting like a bag of dog shit on the stoop of a house!

Because

America.

Fuck yeah.

/end fanfic/

THIS MESSAGE HAS BEEN DISAPPROVED BY THE GREATEST GODDAMN COUNTRY IN THE WORLD, THE EVIL NOT-SO-EVIL-NOW-I-GUESS RUSSIA, EYEBROWS, AND EVERYONE ELSE.

Oh, and Cana-what's-his-name.

You can't forget Cana-what's-his-name!

~The United States of America,
THE GREATEST GODDAMN COUNTRY ON EARTH.

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fin