A/N: I've begun to notice a pattern with stories that involve characters from the real world in fictional ones. It is due to this pattern that I make this announcement: This is NOT a self-insert. I will never, ever do one of those stories! I'm just putting it out there right now.

Chapter 1:
Livin' in the Leaf

At some point during my long-ass fall into complete and utter blackness, I must've blacked out because the next thing I knew I was lying on my back. I could feel warm concrete beneath me and the rays of the sun warming my face. It was so comfortable that I just didn't want to get up. I had same kind of cloth covering my eyes to ensure the light didn't bother me, so I hadn't been expecting the sharp peck to my forehead.

The pain caused me to jerk up into a sitting position. I heard the frantic flapping of a startled bird and I knew it was my "wake-up call."

"Damn bird," I muttered, frustrated that my nap was interrupted.

I figured that, since I was now wide awake, I might as well take a look at my surroundings. I pushed my blindfold up, flinching at the sudden burst of light and waited for my eyes to adjust. The sun was just beginning to set. I found that I was on a rooftop in the middle of a strange, but familiar-looking town. I knew for a fact that I'd seen the town before, but I couldn't quite place it. So, I turned around, hoping to see some kind of landmark to tell me where I was and, sure enough, there was one. It was Hokage Mountain! I was in the Village Hidden in the Leaves! I touched the "blindfold" where it rested on my forehead and felt metal. I quickly untied the knot on the back of my head and pulled it off to find that my blindfold had been a Leaf shinobi headband. I stood up to look at my outfit while I retied the headband. My clothes were different from what they had been. I was now wearing a tight, but not skintight, dark green shirt and long pants with a matching vest and dark blue sandals. Well, at least I wasn't wearing spandex.

Finally, coming to grips with my situation, I asked a very important question, "So what do I do now?"

My answer came in the form of something dropping onto my head.

"Ow! What is it with hitting me on the head!?" I exclaimed irritably.

As I rubbed the injured spot, I picked up the item, a scroll, and found that it was labeled "To Wade." I opened it up and was really glad that I'd learned to read Japanese because the whole thing was written in it.

"Hey, Wade!" it read, "As you've gathered, you're now living in the Naruto universe. I kind of lied about the whole not writing your story, at least at first. I gave you a bit of an introduction, so that you won't have to deal with the whole Q&A session when a man that never existed before today suddenly appears. So, I've made a little backstory for you in this story. Your Naruto-verse memories and experiences should be surfacing in 3…2…1."

Just as I reached that point, there was a massive pain in my head. It felt like I'd been hit in the head with a baseball bat. How do I know what that feels like? Er, it's a long story. Anyway, the sheer pain brought me to my knees as the new memories washed over me. Once they were finally done, I started shifting through the memories. I was part of a clan that was one of the three, rather than two, clans that helped to create the Leaf Village. The reason I have such a strange name when compared to the rest of the people is because my ancestors came from across the ocean to the west, a fact that to this day is a source of derision by some of the clans. One of the sources of pride for my clan is our bloodline trait, which I had, and it is awesome! It's called the Divine Eye and it's kinda like the Sharingan in regards to the copying ability, but the major difference is that my bloodline can copy other bloodline traits as if they occurred naturally, so I could use the copied bloodlines to their fullest extent after some training.

My Naruto-verse parents died defending the Fourth Hokage and Kushina, leaving me the last of my clan. I was a chuunin level shinobi and I'd just arrived from a year-long training sabbatical, so that I could better learn my skills. I apparently learned my elemental affinity, earth. Now the only question was at what point in the Naruto story I was in.

After I finished going through the memories, I turned back to the letter.

"Sorry about the pain," it read, "But it was unavoidable. Oh, and in case you're wondering, which I know that you are, you're actually about a year before the Uchiha massacre. Oh, and your girlfriend should be showing up in 3…2…1."

"Wait, girlfriend? What girlfri-oof!" that was all I managed to get out before I was tackled to the ground, pinned down, and kissed on the lips.

When my "attacker" finally let me come up for air, I was surprised to find that it was the Snake Mistress of the Leaf, Anko freaking Mitarashi! I then remembered via the Naruto-verse memories that we'd met when she had just returned to the village after escaping Orochimaru and I was one of the few people that treated her as something other than Orochimaru's former apprentice, which is how most of the village saw her. The scary thing is that the snake-using, sanguine-philiac kunoici wasn't the craziest woman I ever dated. There was this one girl who-, you know what? Nevermind, you don't need to know that.

Anyway, my girlfriend smiled seductively at me and said, "I've bee waiting to do that for a whole year."

Deciding not to be one-uped by her, I wrapped my right leg around her left and used the leverage to flip her, so that she was the one pinned to the ground. I kissed her in return and, after separating my lips from hers, smiled at her.

"As did I, Anko," I said, "Were you a good girl while I was gone?"

"Nope!" she said with a mischievous grin.

"Good," I said, getting up and helping her up.

"So, you wanna go on that date that you promised me back before you left?" Anko asked, twirling her finger around my chest.

I smirked, "You sure it's just a date that you're hoping for?"

"For a start," she said with a lecherous smile.

I was going to agree, but then I remembered that there was more on the scroll and figured it would be important, so I said, "Uh, maybe later. I've got some things to do first now that I'm back. Sorry."

She looked a little disappointed and sighed, "It's alright. Will it take long?"

"No, I don't think so," I said, being completely honest.

"Okay, I'll see you at home," she said before giving me a small peck on the lips and taking off, as I remembered that she lived with me in the family compound.

Once she was gone, I picked up the scroll where it'd fallen and opened it back up.

"Well, if you're done sucking face with your new girlfriend, we can continue. In addition to what I've already told you, you should know that your mere presence has and will change some of the details from the canon, so don't expect everything to be the same as you remember from the anime! Also, I made it so that polygyny is so uncommon that it is virtually unheard of due to most women not being willing to share their man, though it is allowed, even expected for clan heads, like yourself, whose clans are on the brink of extinction. So, go crazy!" I could practically hear Fortuna's perverted giggling.

'Did the goddess of Fate just suggest for me to be in a polygamous relationship?' I thought to myself. Sure, I'd once been a playboy and had one-time flings with multiple women at once, that was practically a requirement to be called a playboy, but having actual relationships with multiple women? It had never even crossed my mind before. "Wow," I muttered, "the goddess of Fate's a perv."

"I am not a perv!" the next line of the scroll said, "I'm just…a fan of non-traditional romances!"

"Okay, that's just creepy," I said, "How does she kno-"

"Of course I know what you're going to say! I'm writing this part! You don't take over until you reach the end of this letter, which I guess is about now. So, uh, good luck! Hope you don't die!" That last part really filled me with confidence. "Oh, and you may want to look down at the street right about…now."

I did just that and saw, despite the darkness of the sun having set, a familiar head of blond hair running frantically down the street, trying to escape the angry mob chasing after him. They were yelling things like "Get back here, brat!" and "Kill the demon!" and carrying all kinds of weapons from household implements like rakes and brooms to more dangerous weapons like knives. That just made my blood boil. There aren't many things that really piss me off, but hurting a kid is one of the biggies.

I activated my kekkai genkai like I "remembered" doing a thousand times before by yelling, "Divine Eyes!"

My Divine Eyes are kind of like the Byakugan in terms of appearance, but there aren't any of flexed veins and, instead of it looking like the eyes were glazed over, my eyes turned completely white, no veins, no pupils, and no irises are visible. If you've ever seen the show, Supernatural, picture a demon's eyes, only white instead of black.

Once my eyes were activated, I ran along the rooftops to get ahead of Naruto. Once I was, I dropped down from the second floor rooftop and stopped in front of the fleeing blond. He skidded to a stop when he saw his path was now blocked. He was clearly terrified and rightly so, since the mob was quickly closing in.

"Get behind me, kid," I told Naruto, who only hesitated for a moment before doing so.

When the mob got close enough to see Naruto hiding behind me and me not budging, they quickly realized I wouldn't be moving. What I saw clearly for the first time was that they were all civilians.

"Hand over the boy!" one of the ones at the front demanded, being one of the few not unnerved by my eyes.

"Not gonna happen," I said with deadly seriousness.

"Don't you know who that is!? Don't you know what that is!?" another asked.

"Yes, I do," I said, "It's a little kid that is being attacked by a group of adults that should know better! Now, get out of here before I decide to kick all of your asses!"

Most of the mob seemed nervous about the prospect of messing with a ninja, but the two speakers weren't, "We aren't afraid of you! If you're not going to hand over the brat, then we're going to take him!"

"No, you're not," I said before making a flurry of handsigns and yelling, "Earth Style: Stone Shackle jutsu!" before slamming both of my palms to the ground.

The jutsu caused rocks to come out of the ground and attach to each and every one of the mob members' wrists and pull them down to their knees, pinning them in that position.

I then activated another of my jutsu by making more handsigns and shouting, "Earth Style: Stone Prison Jutsu!"

This made rock walls rise out of the ground and surround each of them, so each of the mob members were suddenly stuck in small, square, stone cells that were barely big enough to fit them with walls that were six feet high.

As each of the mob members called out to either beg or demand to be released, I turned to Naruto and knelt down so that I was eye-level with the seven-year-old.

"You alright, Squirt?" I asked.

"Yeah, I'm okay, Thanks!" he said, giving me one of his trademark fox-like smiles, which suddenly fell, "But aren't you going to get into trouble for all of that?"

Honestly, I hadn't thought of that. I mean, I had just taken numerous Leaf civilians into custody against their will. I would probably get in trouble, unless someone high enough on the political food chain stepped in. That made me realize someone who might be able to help: Naruto's surrogate grandfather.

"I've got an idea," I said before turning my back while still kneeling down, "Hop on."

Naruto jumped onto my back and I leapt into the air to head towards the Hokage Mansion. We got inside and headed to the village leader's office. Naruto dropped to his feet. The secretary stopped us from going in.

"I'm sorry, but the Hokage is bus-"

I held up my hand to silence her and leaned close before pointing towards a nearby brick wall, "Do you see that wall there?"

"Uh, yesss?"

"If you say that the Hokage is too busy to see us, then I'm going to send you through it," I said, smiling a dark smile.

Her eyes widened in fear and gulped, "Uh, let me just check to see if he's available."

"Thank you," I said, giving her an actual smile as she ran into the office.

Naruto and I waited a few moments before she came back out, "The Hokage will see you now."

The kid and I went inside and found the old Hokage was working on his endless mountain of paperwork. He looked up when he heard us enter. "Ah, Wade, I heard that you were back and Naruto, glad to see you as well."

"Hey, old man, good to see ya!" Naruto said.

"Thanks, Lord Hokage, but that's not why I'm here. As I'm sure that your ANBU have told you, I kinda captured a bunch of the civilians in the middle of town."

Sarutobi exhaled a breath of smoke, "Yes. I take it you're here to explain yourself?"

"Yeah, something like that. They were planning to hurt Naruto and that was something that I wasn't going to allow."

That part got the Hokage's full attention, "You are not joking, are you?"

"No. No, I'm not," I said, crossing my arms.

"ANBU!" he yelled, making several of the black ops ninja come out of hiding, "Go and take the civilians that Wade captured into custody!" The instant the order was out of Sarutobi's mouth, the ANBU left quickly and the Hokage turned back towards me and Naruto, "Naruto, did those people hurt you?"

"Nah, Wade stopped 'em before they could," Naruto said, smiling at me.

Sarutobi sighed in relief, "That's good. Thank you, Wade. I wish I could say that this was a rare event, but even with the guards I've had protecting, the ones that hate Naruto still find openings to make his life miserable."

Seeing Naruto's downcast eyes, I could tell that the Hokage's description was an accurate one, so I decided that I would figure out a way to end it. But how? Then, I remembered something very important: I was part of a prominent clan, even if my clan's numbers were a little…lacking.

"What if Naruto were to join a prominent ninja clan?" I asked.

Sarutobi leaned back to think about his answer, "Well, then, I suppose anyone trying to hurt him would be seen as trying to hurt that clan and, if the clan is prominent enough, could easily be accused of committing treason against the village at large."

"Would my clan fit that description?" I asked.

Sarutobi smiled, clearly getting was I was hinting at, "Yes, it would."

So, I turned to Naruto, "Well, Naruto? How would you feel about my adopting you?"

Naruto looked at me, clearly shocked by the question, until he suddenly leapt at me to wrap his arms around me and give me a hug. "Yes! That'd be awesome! Believe it, Pops!"

I couldn't help, but smile. Sure, I wasn't entirely certain that I was ready to have a child, but I wasn't going to let him go through the painful life I knew he'd lead if I could prevent it. I might not have experience with being a dad, but I'd be the best I could be.

I picked Naruto up and turned to the Hokage, "Lord Hokage, could you set everything up?"

He nodded, "Yes, I'll make certain that it is done as quickly as possible."

"Thank you, Lord Hokage," I said, bowing my head, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to take Naruto to his new home after we grab his stuff from his apartment."

"Alright," Sarutobi said as Naruto still in my arms and I went to walk out of the office. Suddenly, Sarutobi spoke again, "Oh, and I have to say I'm surprised that Anko agreed to this."

That made me freeze in my tracks. "Heh, uh, funny story about that. I, uh, haven't really told her yet."

"Would you like an ANBU escort for when you do?"

I sighed, "Wouldn't help." With that, I walked out of the office and took Naruto to his apartment to pack up his stuff before we took them to my compound.

Anko was obviously surprised when she saw me enter the large compound with Naruto. I quickly worked to explain how this came to be, describing the mob attack and everything, all the while dodging chic kabob needles that she was throwing at me, due to being angry at her now essentially having to be a mother for her boyfriend's adopted kid (Still not the craziest woman I ever dated, by the way). Once I'd described Naruto's "problems" with the villagers, Anko stopped, an expression of understanding on her face.

"Okay, babe, I'll let this slide, but no more coming home with new kids alright!?" she demanded.

"Yes, dear," I said, more than a little nervous still, which was, in my opinion, completely understandable.

"Good. Also, if I want our private time, Naruto, you'll have to make yourself scarce!" Anko demanded.

"Y-yes, ma'am!" Naruto said, understandably frightened of the woman, even though he hadn't been the target of her short-lived anger.

"Excellent! Now, I'll show you where you can stay," she said, suddenly all cheerful and hospitable, as she led Naruto to his new room. Just as they went out of sight down a hall, Anko leaned back around the corner, "Oh, and Sweetie? You can sleep on the couch tonight."

I sighed, knowing better than to argue with a woman when she says that, especially one with the skills to kick my ass and make it look easy. As I laid down on the couch to close my eyes to go to sleep, I began to wonder just what the hell I'd done. Two of the biggest troublemakers in the village were now living under my roof! Ah well, I'll just have to take it one day at a time.

A/N: And that's the first chapter. Please remember to review with any comments, questions, concerns, or constructive criticism that you might have. Thanks for reading! If the guest reader known as "Just A Question" is reading this, then the answer to your question is on my profile page. Oh, and the Divine Eye is inspired by KyuubiGoku's story "The Ultimate Dojutsu."