Let Go

Alec Lightwood has never liked crowded places, besides the fact that he preferred quietness; he was almost useless at having an interesting conversation with people he had no previous knowledge of. But due to a certain special someone, that had changed.

The atmosphere he felt was one of the reasons that kept him coming back, the mixed scents of sweat, cheap alcohol and the fog that made the lights hazy and dim was enough for Alec to lose himself and forget everything. His family's problems, the disappointed look on his father's face, ruining the relationship with the person he loved the most in the world.

He needed to forget everything fast. The only way to do it was throwing himself into the crowd of dancing bodies in a room that was probably way over its capacity.

He had learned from his ex-boyfriend what was dubbed hot or not to wear in the club. So dressing the part of dance club goer, Alec donned on a pair of black skinny jeans, with a black studded belt and a navy blue t-shirt along with dark scuffed, boots. The sapphire-eyed Shadowhunter then snuck out of the Institute, and took the subway downtown. Once arriving, habits being hard to resist, Alec kept his eyes open for any demon lurking nearby. He noticed a few inside the club, wearing their glamours, but they seemed to be on their best behavior, wanting to actually fit in and be like the mundanes for the night. Who knew dancing to strange music in almost pitch-black rooms created a type of bridge between the mundanes and the demons? Quite a conundrum.

Alec stealthily made his way through the numerous of dancing teens, easily avoiding running into someone that appeared to be having some sort of seizure with his flailing arms and legs. Mundanes were odd. He would glare at anyone who looked at him with those disturbing, predatory-type leers, he could practically feel their eyes run over his body as they gave him a not so subtle once over. Alec would blush a dark crimson at those who actually had the nerve to raise their eyebrows suggestively at him. If they only new how quick and easy it would be for him to rip out those eyeballs out of their heads, full of perverse thoughts and use them as toys for his cat, Church.

He glanced toward the direction where he could feel people's lingering stares, thinking, 'Maybe this was not the best decision.'

He hated the insecurity he felt and decided best to get rid of it before common sense showed up. Drinking alcohol managed to muffle that pesky voice in his head that was beginning to sound more and more like Magnus.

Alec threw some bills at the bartender before requesting two shots of their strongest liquor. No one bothered to check for ID, which made the place packed with inexperienced teens and the sounds of running footsteps to the restroom a common occurrence.

The Shadowhunter threw his dark head back before taking the shots, a slight grimace on his face at the bitter aftertaste. He absentmindedly wondered what his siblings would say if they saw him, drinking his troubles away. Jace would probably stab his hand with his own stele to make sure he wasn't dreaming or hallucinating the image of his goody two shoes brother taking shots full of liquor, while Isabelle would punch him and call him an idiot. Wonderful siblings, mulled over a slight buzzed Alec. He felt the burning sensation in his throat descent his stomach leaving a warm feel in his gut and a slight buzz to his senses and mind.

Alec gave a two finger, mini salute to the bartender who was busy wiping the table clean with a dirty rag before making his way through the crowd. The music started thumping making his heart pound to the beat and hips move to the rhythm, rocking his body back and forth to the beat.

Yes, he was in his own world, a world full of fog from those tacky smoke machines, and the smell of overly-sweet perfumes and colognes. It was intoxicating, he assumed the others around him thought so too, they were all young and had the sole intention of losing their inhibitions with the cheap alcohol and techno music.

They all came here for the same reason and that was to lose themselves and literally dance their cares away. The one problem that was proving to be quite challenging for the Shadowhunter was that even though there was no one here judging him, no one caring with whom he was with, he felt this ever present gnawing sensation at his heart, that wouldn't leave him. He felt as if something missing. No, not a something, more like someone.

'No', thought Alec, I'm here to get rid of my cares not confront them like a mature person would normally do.'

Alec wondered if that would be the mantra of the night.

He threw his arms in the air, swaying them for a few beats before slowly running them down his body. Feeling confidence pump throughout his body in strong surges, he threw his head back baring his pale neck for the world, his shirt rose up , leaving a thin strip of bare skin visible of his toned abs for hungry lustful eyes as they witnessed the teen lose himself to the music.

Alec had never felt in more control of his body as he gyrated to the melody when it began to pick up, all the while trying to ignore the catty calls and wolf whistles coming from a few feet behind him.

'If Magnus were here, thought Alec ruefully, 'he would turn them into chew toys for the Chairmen to rip apart.' If only the warlock was here, he usually was the one that dragged Alec to come to these types of places. Part of him wondered if the reason he came was simply to relive those moments where everything was alright, when they were together.

Alec wanted to move past these feelings that engulfed him, feelings that felt more like bullets piercing his heart every time he encountered a sparkly item or a song that Magnus had claimed would be their song, even though he had claimed a hundred of others before, it would always bring a glitter-covered Warlock to full front of his mind. Alec couldn't just erase Magnus from his life even though the Warlock seemed to be able to do that just fine.

Magnus had made that quite clear after he had called off the relationship. And Alec had begun to ponder on Izzy's suggestion of going out with other people. He started wondering if it would help fill the hole he was feeling within by hooking up with someone, just maybe that would aid in helping him forget the pain gnawing tenaciously at in his heart.

But Alec was scared that even after going out with some stranger, would he continue having those nights where he would lay awake on his bed, and compare those experiences with the ones he had, had with Magnus. That type of thinking would make guilt slowly seep in, then sadness would threaten to overtake him…

Stop thinking. Stop thinking.

Alec had a feeling that it was easier said than done.

The other part of his mind that was shouting at him to fix the only relationship he had ever had with another person was winning his internal struggle. He really wanted to talk to Magnus. Fix the mess he had created. Maybe he would find the warlock around. Then again confronting said warlock would bring those feelings with more potency than before.

'A few more drinks could help drive these pesky thoughts away,' contemplated the desperate teen as he tipped back another glass of a strong, liquor that had a surprisingly fruity after-taste. His eyes fluttered closed as the hazel colorful neon lights began to resemble starbursts

Alec felt himself becoming more and more part of the music, slowing his hips to the sensual parts of the song while thrusting them sexually.

He would jump up in the air with the crowd of people as a powerful part of the song rang through the club. Alec felt alive for the first time in the last few weeks. The neon lights made everything seem more like a haze as he looked up to the ceiling.

Arms held above him, he swayed with the music, feeling the cool sweat run down his back making his shirt stick to him and the beads of perspiration run down his face, smudging the eyeliner he had applied (a certain someone had made it a habit for him in applying light make up, claiming the eyeliner made him look more 'badass'). The humidity in the crowded space made his hair fall from its usual messy, sticking- up- in-different places style to having it straight, the bright lights giving it a mysterious blue hue. The teen ran his hands through his hair as the locks of ebony fell forward covering his eyes. He raised them once more in the air, feeling himself ready to fly.

He didn't care. He was in a daze, trying his hardest to ignore the strange feeling that was beginning to form in the pit of his stomach.

Alec gasped as two warm hands locked themselves with his own that were raised in the air, their long fingers intertwining with his own calloused ones. Glazed sapphire eyes fluttered closed at the familiarity he felt being in their grasp. This stranger sensed this as well.

He was no stranger though; no he was someone who meant more to him than the approval of his father more than what the rest of the Nephilim thought of his sexual orientation. This was the person he dreamt of when sleep would finally take over him.

Their joined hands fell against his chest; they swayed side to side, their hips rolling with the others in perfect sync. Alec gasped breathlessly as he felt the person behind him begin to move against his ass in slow thrusts. Their hands had parted and now the man's strong hands were slowly running themselves up and down his thighs, groping them before teasingly stopping at his semi hard erection. He was turning Alec on with those sinful hips and grinding.

'Two could play at that game,' vengefully thought the Shadowhunter.

Without turning around Alex slowly began running his hands up the muscular arms before finally resting them behind the other's neck.

The Shadowhunter began to move his body fluidly up and down the suddenly pliant body; he knew the affect he was having on the man. It was quite present when he felt a poke to his back. Feeling a surge of confidence flare up within, Alec smirked to himself before executing a perfect pop and lock (dance lessons had been somewhat a requirement with the parties Magnus threw every week) before slowly bringing himself up to his original position. A low growl was heard from behind him as he began to rotate his ass against the man's straining member. The melody began to slow down, so did their grinding; they were so close to one another, each intake of breath and groan could be heard, only serving to further encourage their sensual movements.

Alec felt hands splay themselves above his midriff; two fingers of each hand tucked themselves into the edge of his pants. He moaned as they ran their sharp blue nails up his abdomen, exposing his pale toned stomach to the residents of club while leaving thin red marks behind in their wake until the soft fabric fell over the wondering hands.

They were suddenly on his hips, their rough grip eliciting a soft moan from the dancing teen. He knew that his pale skin was easily prone to bruising. There was sure to be some finger patterned bruises on his hips tomorrow.

The Shadowhunter gasped brokenly enjoying the touch and the warmth it spread throughout his stomach and lower region.

He shivered at the ghost of warm breath hovering over the wet skin of his pulse point on his neck. It was his weak spot. This was getting to be too much, he wanted to talk, not fool around.

"St-top!"

The warm air fanning his cool wet skin suddenly disappeared but the hands remained in their original position, their grip loosening a bit.

Alec slumped against the taller man; the music was slowing down, the beat of his heart going back to its regular rate.

"Why are you here Alexander?"

Alec sighed, of course being a couple for quite a long period had made them both aware of the best clubs that New York had to offer. This one in particular was the one that Magnus had first taken Alec to let go of the stress that he would internalize and release it while dancing the night away. After coming regularly on the nights they were able to escape responsibilities of being a Shadowhunter or being the High Warlock of Brooklyn, they became quite the power couple and were known to get a bit risqué on the dance floor.

Alec pulled himself away from the slight embrace. He ran a hand through his damp hair, the smell of his sandalwood shampoo filling his nostrils. Resting both hands on his hips, Alec sighed as he took in his ex-lover's appearance.

Magnus was dressed in red skinny jeans and a sheer white and black designer collared shirt with the first 3 bronze buttons undone and tails sticking out fashionably. His hair was spiked up and eyes were intensified with shades of black and red eye shadows, making the look seem almost theatrical with the kohl eyeliner curled intricately on the outside of his eyes. He was gorgeous.

Both of them were in the middle of the dance floor and had been attracting the attention of several dancers, including the DJ who was giving them a shout out.

"I bet these guys will be having some sex on the dance floor tonight perhaps they want someone else to join?"

The intended reaction the DJ was aiming for didn't happen. Everyone's attention spam was shorter than usual because of the alcohol and fog intoxicating their senses.

Alec threw his iciest glare to a pair of boys eyeing them with creepy leers before they quickly took in his 'not-in-the mood-for-your-shit' look and scampered off to find someone else to dance with.

He turned his attention back on the man he loved with so much of his heart. But at the moment the atmosphere between them was nothing like the one they used to share whenever they were together. There was an icy, almost guarded feel between them. The distance between them made Alec want to pull Magnus back in his arms and never let go.

He stuttered, "I- I- I wanted-d to talk...um to you...about us. I thought you would be here."

Magnus scoffed," What, have you been following me now as well? Now I know how Lindsey Lohan feels about the paparazzi."

Alec was tempted to ask who this Lindsey person was, but immediately reconsidered it.

Shaking his hands that had been closed tightly as fists, Alec released a shuddering breath, he said, "I would never do that to you." That was a lie, he would follow the man before him to the ends of the earth. "Look y-you first b-brought me here, for the sole intention of helping me escape the harsh reality of the world but mostly just to get away from my parents and my need to impress them." Alec looked up from his scuffed boots to see the expression on Magnus face. He hoped the Warlock was listening to him because he knew his nerve was about to leave him. He pushed on.

"I enjoyed feeling that rush and freedom but now I realize that the only reason I feel complete happiness and free to be myself is when I'm with you. Now that I'm here by myself, this place means nothing. You see it wasn't this place that made me feel like I could be me, it was you. And not having you be with me is one of the worst feelings I have ever felt." He sighed. "I'm sorry for not trusting you. If I could change time I would and never even give it a fraction of a thought in going to meet her."

Magnus settled his catlike gaze on Alec, they held some reservation but at the same time the vulnerability that Alec knew he was the only one allowed to be a witness to.

"That's exactly what you wanted to do Alexander. You wanted to lessen my time on earth so I could be with you."

Alec curled his hands into fists, "It's your life! I know that Magnus! I cannot control it but can you blame me for wanting to be in it?"

Alec spun in a small circle in frustration. Or as Jace would call it emotional twirling. He was never good with words; he somehow managed to make things worse when he opened his mouth.

Magnus had crossed his arms and stood in a defensive stance when Alec had raised his voice.

"No how could I? I have been fighting to be in yours for so long, even when you dismissed our relationship and now that you finally accept who you are, you can't find it in yourself to simply accept me for me! You want to change me simply to suit your own purpose!"

"How can I live and be with you if I have that thought nagging at me in the back of my head reminding me that it will all end with one of us dead and the other alive. I don't care if I die but I do care about what you will think when I'm gone. Will I be the one you think of for a few years or will I be the one always in your heart? Call me a selfish bastard and you have on several occasions but I want you to know that I want you very much in my life."

Alec took a deep breath, "But I realized too late that the time I spend with you, no matter how short or long, would be the best time of my life. Even with death looming above me, my time spend on earth would be the most amazing because I would be with you."

Alec felt the blood pounding in his ears as he took a step forward, he stared into those eyes that he had grown used to seeing every morning he woke up and the last thing before falling asleep.

Magnus cleared his throat, not looking directly at Alec, he said," I have always told you that our relationship was different compared to those in my past. I was telling the truth when I said this but for some reason you could never find comfort in that. You are not trivial; you need to get that through your pretty head first."

Magnus placed a cool hand against his jaw, his thumb stroking the skin there. Alec felt the corner of his mouth quirk a little to the left. He leaned forward a bit as Magnus hand returned his side.

"Alexander you mean so much to me but what you did was because you don't trust me. And it almost felt like betrayal when I found out about you going to Camille to find out about my past. I don't think I can forgive you just yet."

Alec hoped his voice didn't sound too shaky, "You never told me anything about your past only bits and pieces. The second you mentioned something deep and personal you would just close off. Going to her was not right I knew that from the beginning but-"

Magnus interrupted, he sounded so hurt and desperate, "You knew it was wrong from the beginning, why did you do it?"

The Shadowhunter pleaded, "I needed to know more, I felt as if we were getting further and further apart. I thought maybe knowing more about your past would help. Clearly it had the opposite affect."

Magnus's cat eyes narrowed dangerously before accusingly saying, "You keep secrets from me all of the time Alexander, why couldn't you accept the fact that there were some things in the PAST, that I didn't want to share."

Alec bit his bottom lip; the familiar prickly feeling at the corners of his eyes was starting to begin.

'No don't be fall apart, not in front of him.' Another voice in his head was reminding him that Magnus was the only person whom he had actually broken apart in front of and felt secure enough to display that raw vulnerability. It scared him how bad he was going to miss having that person whom putting a brave face wasn't forced.

He had grown used to shedding that concrete wall that all Shadowhunters were born with to keep their emotions at bay. He supposed that his was damaged just like the relationship he had once had.

Alec took a deep breath; it hitched tightly in his throat before he slowly released it.

"Right, you're right I guess I'll just go. There's no point being here if you're not with me. It's not the same. I'm not the same."

Magnus suddenly looked so out of place, the usual cocky face and confidence had gone and was replaced with a soft, melancholy expression.

He looked into stormy grey-blue eyes, before whispering," Take care of yourself, please."

Alec looked up from his gaze on his old boots and wasn't surprised to see the Warlock gone. A faint shimmer of blue floated before him. He held a hand in front him; he must have looked strange to anyone watching him. He didn't care.

Magnus was gone.

ooooh what's Alec going to do? Review and you just might find out. :)