Kenny's Kissing Lessons
Zarah McQuade

Chapter One: Unexpected Customer

Kenny sat impatiently, rubbing his palms repeatedly over his orange jeans, the rough fabric calming him slightly. He didn't want to get worked into a frenzy right before his very first customer.

When he and Cartman had first put up the flyers, Kenny hadn't thought anything would come out of it. None of the girls in this town were, shall we say, inexperienced anyway. No-one needed lessons.

But Cartman was adamant. Right now he was sitting in his basement (Sorry, office), waiting for Kenny to call after his lesson ended.

It all started with a list. The girls got together and compiled a list of the top five best kissers in all of South Park, and guess which lucky son of a gun ranked number one? That's right, one Mr. Kenny McCormick. And Cartman snapped that up, insisting Kenny should offer his services to those less fortunate in his area of expertise. And Kenny, being the pervert he was, accepted in the hopes some cute girls would come along.

He bit his lips to surpress a girlish squeal when there was a knock on the door. He stood, checking himself in the mirror over the fireplace. Messy hair, cheeky grin, just the way they liked it. He hopped over and opened the door with a flourish.

Huge blue eyes stared up at him, full of apparent fear. "H-Hey, Kenny."

"Oh, hi Butters." Kenny dropped the flirtatious manner quickly and stepped aside so Butters could come in. He hoped whatever his little friend wanted wouldn't take long, because his 'client' was due in...He glanced at the clock on the mantelpiece. Now. His client was due now.

He looked at Butters with new panic on his face.

"So, uh..." Butters grinned sheepishly at Kenny up through his eyelashes. "What do you want me to d-do?"

Kenny gaped, doing his best impression of a startled fish, and held up a single finger.

"Sit down." He offered. "I'll be right back."

Butters lowered himself onto the couch and clasped his hands on his knees. Kenny walked into the kitchen and leaned against the counter heavily. Rolling his head back to examine the cracks in the ceiling, Kenny blew out his breath and muttered "Shit...".

Pulling his cell phone from his back pocket, he turned and slid his elbows along the counter, bringing it to his ear.

"Yes?" Came Cartman's cold, snide voice from the reciever.

"Butters?" Kenny questioned. This was their friendship in a nutshell. No 'hello's, no 'how are you's. Straight to the point, bitingly dry, and with quite cruel undertones. "Really, Eric?"

"What about him?" Cartman asked innocently, making Kenny's blood boil.

"I can't do this!" He hissed, lowing his face towards the counter. He hoped Butters couldn't hear this. "Butters is, no matter how much he looks otherwise, a guy!"

"Ay!" Cartman yelled warningly. Kenny could almost see him beating the table with his index finger. "He is a paying customer and you will teach that little pussy virgin to kiss, so help me God!"

And the phone went dead.

Kenny growled under his breath, pushing violently off the counter and stomping back to the living room. He leaned on the left side of the doorframe, surveying Butters with weary eyes. Butters continued to grin dumbly. Poor kid probably didn't even know what Kenny was going to do.

Kenny eventually broke the silence by sighing heavily and moving to sit beside Butters.

"Okay...Why do you want to do this?" Kenny began, leaning his head in his hand and deciding it was best to just get it over with.

"Well...Well, I don't know, Ken. I've only ever kissed a girl for like a second before, and I-I heard there was a lot more to it than that."

Kenny suppressed a laugh, holding back enough that he only smiled. Butters smiled back.

"Well, you got that right, buddy!" Kenny patted Butters' back companionably.

"And I h-heard you were the best!" Butters laughed. "So I figured..." He trailed off.

"Yeah, I get it." Kenny looked at his scuffed shoes and chewed the inside of his cheek, feeling awkward. He searched his mind for anything he'd been planning on saying to the girls before jumping on them. "So, is there anyone in particular you were thinking of...yeah? Girls, boys, Craig, Bebe, Wendy?"

Butters cheeks had flushed pink on the word 'boys' and this made Kenny a little more uncomfortable. "Well, there is someone but...I don't really want to..." Butters fidgeted, obviously distressed. Kenny took his clenched fists and advised him it would be better to calm down. He got Butters' breathing in order before continuing.

"You don't have to tell me, Butters." Kenny smiled. "Okay, uh...Close your eyes."

Butters' breathing began to flutter around a little as his lids gently closed. Kenny lifted his hand, only to pause, unsure of where to put it. Shoulder would be awkward, hand too loving, waist too personal. After waving his hand around Butters for a moment, he laid it on his chest. He felt the smaller boy's heartbeat, frantic beneath the baby blue of his thin T-shirt.

"Relax..." Kenny breathed, leaning forward until their lips were almost together. "Are you paying attention or just enjoying the moment?" He laughed lightly. Butters squirmed.

"Uh, buh...I..." He searched for words, keeping his eyes closed. Kenny chuckled and pressed their lips together. Butters melted into the arm of the couch, and Kenny followed him down, pressing him into the couch a little. He didn't move his mouth yet, just allowing Butters to become accustomed to his lips.

After a few more seconds, he freed Butters and allowed him up for air. Butters' cheeks were stained red and his hands shook where he placed them on his lap. Kenny looked at him. His tufty blonde hair was mussed up and sexy, his huge blue eyes pooling with knowledge and thoughts Kenny couldn't alight upon for even a second. And his lips. Butters' lips. They were, Kenny knew now, soft and full. They were pink, and they were parted ever so slightly as Butters stared at Kenny almost sadly.

"Mmm! Butters!" Kenny smacked his lips in an attempt to make Butters laugh. "You taste damn fine!"

Butters blushed deeper, but smiled coyly. "Want more?"

"Huh?" Kenny asked, eyes widening. Butters put his hands to his cheeks and smiled wider. "Nothin'. Ignore me, Kenny, I'm a little weird sometimes."

Kenny noticed Butters' lack of a stammer and leaned away slightly. "Okay...Shall we move on?"

"Let's."

Kenny decided to start instructing to be sure Butters didn't get the wrong idea. Although, now he'd had them once, Kenny couldn't wait to get his mouth hooked onto those amazing lips once more. But he contained his perverted thoughts and asked Butters to imagine he, Kenny, was the person of his dreams.

"Okay." Butters replied curtly, without hesitation. As if the task were easy for him. Kenny expected a little squint, as would be Butters' character, but nothing of the sort happened. Butters simply sat and waited for his next instruction.

"And lay one on me. But follow my lead."

Kenny was not expecting what happened next, which was that Butters crawled between Kenny's legs seductively and placed a cool hand on his cheek. The nervousness had completely gone, and instead he seemed to have bedroom eyes, which drew Kenny in directly. Kenny's lids felt heavy as Butters pressed his lips to is own. For a moment he forgot he was supposed to be teaching Butters to kiss, and just kissed him for the fun of it, pulling Butters' small form down on top of him and running his hands down his back to the seat of his pants. Butters broke away, panting, and held himself in an awkward hug.

"I have to go." He breathed raggedly, and shot from the room and out of the house.

"Fuck!" Kenny growled, jumping into a sitting position and slapping his palms to his forehead. "Fuck, fuck, fuck! Fuck, Kenny, you are not-I repeat: NOT, gay!"

His cell phone began to ring and he moved to answer it dejectedly.

"Hey." He greeted weakly.

"How was it?" Cartman sneered.

"Super." Kenny replied sarcastically. "Thanks for asking."